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Unemployed Spouse - And SS Kid's Bills

pinkb's picture

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I'd like to gut feel reactions on this...

I make a lot more money than my husband. Totally okay with that from start. I make more money, he's got a kid who doesn't appreciate me at all (I have paid for him to live for years and have never received a single birthday card. The deal was that "Sure, you make more money... I'

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Snowflake's picture

Wow it seems that men do this all the time. But women just can't.

My gut feelings are to say stop subsidizing and your dh may resent you, because it will make him feel you are to exert control. And men hate that, sad but very true.

Or keep subsidizing and you may really resent your dh and skid. And women let that stuff build up and then blow, sad but very true.

CANYOUHELP's picture

I agree the OP needs to finish this thought; we're already having to work to read minds here lol...

hereiam's picture

NO!

Glassslipper's picture

I'm missing this, need more info
Sorry, my crystal ball is broke. Sad
Are we to finish the sentence? Ok
I...do more of the housework
I...maintain the cars
I...will pleasure you in the bedroom
I...will take out the trash on Tuesdays
I don't know, lost

hereiam's picture

Okay, I'll play.

"Sure, you make more money... I'

I'm a beast in the sack so that makes up for it.

I'm a freeloader, deal with it.

I'm an awesome cook so that makes up for it.

I'm using you and I don't feel bad about it.

I'm cute so that makes up for it.

OP, your DH was unemployed when you wrote your 2011 blog and there were money issues then, before you even married him. Seems nothing has changed, so maybe it's time for you to make a change.

pinkb's picture

Dear hereiam,

You are absolutely right. I keep believing the promises. I know deep down it's baloney.
Thank you so much for listening.

This big of a change is SO hard.

Pink

hereiam's picture

I know it's hard. (((hugs))

But eventually, it will be hard to look in the mirror, you won't even recognize yourself or your life and you will feel too defeated to make that change, to even try. Don't let them drive you to that point. Give yourself something to look forward to - your life, on your terms.

pinkb's picture

WOW! I love you guys... I saved my DRAFT when the oven timer went off and evidently it published. Sorry, for the confusion!

I'll post from the (intended) start... here we go!

*****

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I'd like to gut feel reactions on this...

I make a lot more money than my husband. Totally okay with that from start. I make more money, he's got a kid who doesn't appreciate me at all (I have paid for him (actually them... kid and Dad) to live for years and though husband finds Hallmark sometimes have never received a single birthday card from the kid.

Husband says that "Sure, you make more money... I have a pretty good job but I love to cook, clean, work around the house, etc." Awesome! I hate that stuff. So, I would work, make 2/3 (at least) of the income and most of the laundry would be done, he would live in the geography where he grew up and his (now college age) son wanted to live. No problem.

It's been 3 1/2 years since we moved. My husband and I shared a car the first year after we moved (son had to have his OWN car because who could REALLY take the school bus!?!?!) though I agreed transferring senior year would suck. Daddy "gifted" his (pre-marriage) car to the kid without a discussion (it had previously been discussed it would be sold to buy a newer car after I paid for the house and the move) and added him to our household car insurance and cell phone plan.

*** Many of you have read this far in other threads ***

Husband lost his job again 11 days ago (4 times in 4 1/2 years) but this time (and the last) has no unemployment insurance. So, as of a week ago Friday he has $0 income. ZERO.

As of this evening... while trying to figure out how to pay all our bills with my income alone, I am a bitch because, though the kid has his own $25/h job ($25/h more than Dad) he thinks we (Oh, wait, that means ME) should continue to pay kid's cell phone bill. We already pay car insurance and Daddy gave him a car.

SPECIAL NOTE: I am a tough cookie... but this is getting a little out of line. Daddy has to request money to buy gas but let's not let sonny dearest go without an unlimited cell phone plan.

Comments, please... I'll take happy, nasty, anything... Is this shit for real!?!?!

hereiam's picture

SS has a $25/h job? Time to cut him off and let him pay his own bills.

I am a bitch. There is ABSOLUTELY no way I would be paying for ANYTHING for the SS.

Why does your DH keep losing jobs? Gets laid off, fired, quits, what? He needs to at least get to a temp agency, or something, pronto.

I get it, shit happens. My DH has been laid off (no fault of his own, the place closed) and he has also quit on his own (an absolutely miserable environment, that caused him A LOT of stress and a heart attack) but NEVER did he expect me to pay his bills or pay for crap for his kid. He had savings and busted his ass to get another job.

Put your foot down. Hard.

pinkb's picture

Hi hereiam,

Thank you so much... I am working really hard on a reality check.

There are a few things in play...
1) He's a sales trainer. If you are a GOOD sales trainer (he is), you train and then the sales guys no longer need you to train them. AWESOME! You're great at your job! And you work yourself out of a job. Job hunting again!
2) "But I love that job... that's what I like to do!" (Great... I would like to eat bon bons all day and be a swimsuit model in sports illustrated. I'm not ugly but THAT is never going to happen.
3) "I'm worth more than what they are paying..." (<= debatable) <= Hey, jerk, you need a JOB!

I have more power than ever this time because he's not eligible for unemployment. He claims he's told his son that kid needs to pay for his own phone, car, etc. I said "Awesome! So nice of him. I will send him a note telling how much I appreciate his attention to "our" situation. Then Dad said, "Wait, WHAT!?!?!" (READ: I didn't say anything to mooching kid).

I'm sorry for the rants, all. Love just freaking sucks.

Pink

hereiam's picture

He may love the job but if it's not steady enough for him to live up to his responsibilities, he needs to do something else. How would he live if he was on his own and did not have you to pick up his slack? And not just his slack, but pay his son's bills, also? I just can't get over that he thinks this is okay.

So, he's lying to you, too (about telling his son to pay his own bills).

Love only goes so far, girl. What did I just read on another blog tonight? Oh yeah, never love someone else more than you love yourself.

notsobad's picture

Stop paying skids insurance and phone. Right now, today call and cancel the payment.

Tell skid that he is going to have to start paying rent and if DH and skid don't like it they can move out and figure out how to live on skids $25/h job.

And then actually do it! That's the thing. It's easy to talk about it but when it comes right down to it nobody wants to be the Bad Guy.

ntm's picture

So if he's Mr. mom, why did you have to leave your draft to tend to the cooking?

It's not clear if SS has graduated high school, but paying car insurance and cell phone bills are not parental responsibilities. If your UEH wants to have a say, he needs to be putting money into the pot.

The end.

twoviewpoints's picture

Can SS get his father a job?

No phone plan or car insurance for what should be a self supporting adult. I was reading a few of your previous post. You've given and given to both these men (husband included) far too much now. What would either one have ever done without your generous wallet?