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Behind my Back

memyselfandi's picture

I have always gone out of my way to treat my step kids better than they'd ever expect a stepmom to..and thus my 14 year old told me that I'm the best stepmom she could ever ask for, that she loves spending time with me. Asks me to go bra shopping with her because her mom avoids it and she hates going with Grandma..and that I'm actually pretty cool...sort of like a teenager..just older..lol!!

However, I stumbled upon my husbands FB messenger one day when he left it up, and out of curiosity, I looked at what he and his daughter talked about..never EVER expecting to find the things I did.

With that said, they had a conversation about me on FB, her telling him that she thought I always think she should just have "junk"; meaning that she shouldn't get all the expensive things she wants; yet rather the least expensive things we can find.

I've always thought that "treasure hunting" for the deals at nice places such as Aeropostale, Maurices, and Rue21 is what her and I enjoyed doing..and thus getting big bargains along with bagfulls of goodies that cost less was so much more fun than wasting the money we had to spend on full price items.

She went on to say that I didn't buy her things unless I liked them too (THIS..after I bought her five bras at Victoria's Secret during their Semi-Annual Sale a few weeks earlier..costing us close to $150!! She couldn't thank me enough..at THAT time. How soon she forgets!!) Well yeah, of course when it's OUR money I'm spending that's part of it, mostly because when she walks into Hot Topic and wants us to spend $25.00 for the first t-shirt; and then the second one is 30% off.

Just my opinion, but the place is a complete rip off for band t-shirts made in China that are crap to begin with...and of course I'm going to tell her, "No..that's waay too expensive. Maybe for Christmas??"

Of course no teenager wants to hear that, but once it's HER money that she's spending..it's a different story.

Of course she had to call Disney Daddy and ask HIM after I told her no..and of couse he said that she could IF she paid him back. She had $50 sitting at home (so she said) and would pay him back. We both knew we'd never see it, but he told her to go ahead anyway.

She picked out three t-shirts and I told her nicely that I thought she was a bit over the $50 limit, but as she stood there and did the math, she figured she was correct with the total price being under that. I wasn't going to argue with her math skills at that point and just paid for them. $67 some dollars later..we walked out of the store with three expensive t-shirts that I'm certain will shrink to high heaven.

I just shut up after that.

After a week of spending time together just hanging out, having lunch at her favorite places and doing some really fun shopping; finding some really great deals (she'd gotten three dresses along with a bunch of other things, putting us waay over our budget..me getting my rear chewed out by my hubby, etc.), she decided she wanted a manicure.

I told her no..that we'd spent enough, yet she kept insisting; so I finally told her to call her Dad and see what his thoughts were. She told him that she'd pay him back (and of course, again, we'll never see it), so he said she could. Having been in the Cosmetology business at one time, I wanted to take her to a place I knew was clean; yet she insisted on going to a much cheaper place as she was paying for it (yeah right!!). I knew the place to be filthy and full of germs as they don't clean their utensils AT ALL!! This I know from an experience, as I myself had gone there. The cuticle nippers had dried cuticles on them from a previous client for one, and when I said something about it to the individual doing my pedicure, they pretended not to understand as they didn't speak clear English. In addition, the cuticle nippers were so dull that they were actually ripping on my cuticles rather than cutting them and eventually drew blood. Rather than stop what they were doing with the filthy cuticle nippers, they kept right on going with them.

A friend of mine had gone there and ended up with a nasty fungus infection that was so bad she needed to see her doctor; so of course I wasn't a fan of taking my stepdaughter there.

I know the State laws well and rather than argue with the individual, I just added them to a place I'd never visit again; and one I wasn't going to take my stepdaughter to either.

This I explained to her but she insisted on going to the cheaper place, so I then kept my mouth shut.

This she went on about to Disney Daddy also. That I wanted her to spend more money at "my expensive place" (actually it was the same price to be honest since both places are run by the same family..one is just much cleaner than the other), and I told her that. Went in one ear and out the other.

Then she went on to tell Disney Daddy how I didn't want to take her to her expensive yogurt place (where they charge by the ounce..and a simple yogurt sundae usually costs in the area of over $6.00)!! I wouldn't have blinked an eye had we not spent a ton already on things that she wanted.

Along with this, she mentioned that she also needed a pair of gloves for Color Guard (at the cost of $25+ dollars). I'd already bought her a pair of sunglasses that she said she needed along with a case for them. We'd found a really nice pair of Lucky Brand for $10 bucks along with a great case for $5.99; but it's never enough as she then told me that we should probably start looking for school supplies as she'd need those also.

For the love of Pete..it just never ends with her. She starts out being appreciative and then the more I spend, when the money runs out, she just wants more and more.

I explained nicely to her that her dad and I had bills to pay also such as needing to put a new roof on our home, that I had school expenses myself, etc., and that maybe some of these things her Mom would could maybe pick up.

I guess that didn't go over well since she texted Disney Daddy about how "cheap" I was being; that her mom worked F bomb hard and yeah, she bought them things too. How dare I say that her mom didn't pay for things and how F bomb mad it made her at me for accusing her mom of not using the child support for that.

I never said that.

It is what it is though and my hubby pays more than his share. Yet I get my rear chewed by him every single time I take HIS daughter shopping for things she needs; I have to put a limit on things. She can't always have everything she wants.

That being said, Disney Daddy played the wild card and sided with his daughter when she complained up and down about what a cheap ass I was saying no to a manicure; no to a $25 glove for Color Guard, etc., and that her mom and stepdad needed to kick in just a little bit also.

She has the idea that her dad is rich beyond rich and as they discussed the fact that I wasn't working, yet going to school and running up more bills, Disney Daddy made the comment that I had no business going to school and my main concern should be finding a job and just plain working.

Nice!! As he has told me to continue with my education and finding a job would come soon enough. No worries he's told me.

I felt pretty good about things until I read all the things they were saying about me behind my back.

As my stepdaughter continued, she said she hates staying at our house because I make them pick up after themselves, and thus they stay at Grandma's since she doesn't complain about that stuff. Her thoughts were that they were all on vacation and how much effort does it take for me to take out the overloaded garbage, pick up the messy bathroom after they're finished, etc., instead of complaining about the mess they leave. I'm not working, what else do I have to do anyways; but instead I go up to mine and my husband's bedroom and watch TV up there after supper, ignoring the fact that there are dishes to be done; and that I don't even sweep the floor or vacuum when they're here. She said that I let the house get to be a pigsty and that they run out of clean jeans and underwear because I won't even do laundry.

I've done ALL that; picked up after them, made their beds every morning, picked up and folded all the clothes they'd left all over the floor; did countless loads of laundry etc., while they sat at the kitchen table and WATCHED me bring the loads up the basement stairs; through the kitchen; and up the stairs to their bedrooms. Folded them all and placed them nicely on their beds.

Made me sick when I'd see the clean clothes I'd washed and folded for them all over their bedroom floor again.

I grocery shopped with the list they'd sent me, often spending over $200 while it all sat in the fridge because they wanted fast food instead. I quit that in a hurry after I bought everything they'd asked for and my stepson opened the fridge and found generics rather than name brand. As he slammed the fridge door, he said it was all "jail food" and there was no way he was eating that "crap".

Okie dokies...never did THAT again either.

I guess maybe I was out of line reading what I did as it WAS a private conversation. I was just surprised to read what I did, but it WILL make me smarter in the future. How much smarter, I don't know. However, I still refuse to "mollycoddle" my stepkids and if they choose to run to Disney Daddy with their issues regarding my not spoiling them to pieces with everything they want, so be it.

It was nice to know that my husband doesn't always back me the way he says he does. That I've learned through reading that conversation. Maybe I'm wrong in going back to school while trying to find a full time job. Maybe I'm better off just plain working rather than bettering my skills at the age of 53 and running up tons of further education bills when instead that money could be spent on a new roof on the house, etc.

However, it still doesn't make me feel any better with some of the things he said. In one part of the conversation when his daughter was complaining about certain things regarding how I manage money, my husband said, "Try being married to her..I work hard for my money and she questions every dime I spend."

That couldn't be more untrue as I encourage him to spend money on himself. He's commented often about me being the only person in his life who HASN'T questioned him when he's spent more than a few hundred dollars on something he wanted.

How soon they all forget though. Sometimes I feel like the nicer I am, the more they take me for granted.

That's not the greatest feeling either, as having no children of my own..he gets away with that. If I did have children of my own..he never would as they'd be all over him in a heartbeat.

Again..it's my own fault for reading a private conversation. I'll know better next time...

CANYOUHELP's picture

I agree with Sanecatlady. But I would add another layer, I would take a photo of this conversation on my phone or something, to later show and reference as needed.

If it makes you feel any better, my husband has definitely talked about me behind my back with his grown one. That is how he ruined our relationship and, I will likely never fully trust him again--though, I think he may have stopped. How am I supposed to know for certain? Your HB has no idea what permanent damage he is doing to himself, in the end.

Stop everything, do nothing, tell lying HB off and leave this selfish kid to fend for herself. You have been very thoughtful and kind, this is what happens when you really try, unfortunately, sometimes.

He is a horrible model for his daughter. She will mirror his actions as she grows up--it will get worse.

I would make certain I saved all documentation of his lies, and bs-- in a safe place. You never know when you may need it again....lol...

SM12's picture

First off, there would be NO More shopping trips with SD. I wouldn't take her anywhere ever again.
Secondly, You should never have had her call DH to ask him opinion. Your NO should have been enough but you told her to call DH and he totally threw you under the bus.
Third, I would call SD out on her talking crap about you. Let her know that because she has said those hurtful things about you, that you will no longer be doing her laundry, or taking her shopping or buying her favorite food.
You are trying too hard to please these children and they are taking you for granted. The more they complain, the harder you try. They see that they have that control over you.
And the FIRST time your DH got upset with you for not catering to the spawn I would have unloaded on his A$$ and told him that HE can do it all for them.
Next time they are at your house, leave and go treat yourself to a manicure without her.
Go shopping alone. Don't buy her anything.
You are clearly being ran over. And stop feeling guilty for reading the messages. Clearly they cannot be trusted.
And when DH starts asking why you are avoiding his children, tell him exactly why.

Aeron's picture

Wow. So yeah... Disengage or hell, I'd be talking to an attorney about separation or divorce.

That is just so incredibly out of line - discussing adult relationship dynamics with a young teen, bashing and allowing the child to bash a spouse, not having your back, lying, holy crap, I would lose it.

I don't know what the visitation schedule is, but dad should be finding himself way more available. No more taking her shopping for anything - you get bitten on both ends anyway and feel bad that she not appreciative, so just say no, it's not like the fall out is going to be any worse. H is already ticked at you for spending too much, SD is ticked for you spending too little.... So spend nothing. Tell H that he bites your head off every time, so obviously he thinks you're doing it wrong and he should just take over since SD is so upset.

Stop trying to win the approval of a couple bratty teenagers. She already thinks you do nothing, so do nothing. Need clean clothes? You're 14, go wash them yourself. Hungry? Go ask dad. Displeased with the general state of cleanliness - cleaning supplies are right over there. All your stuff that was lying around in the common rooms? Huh, gee, no idea where that's gone. And wow when husband asked for any sack time I'd have a really hard time not telling him to go ask his mistress.

Rags's picture

She manipulates you and you buy it hook line and sinker then you get mad about it. So STOP!!! YOU are the adult. Quit letting yourself get played buy this manipulative scheming little shit!

"NO! We will do XYZLMNOP because abc-def. If you want what you want then you pay for it. And I don't mean call daddy to tell him you will pay him back which you never do. If he wants to do that then you and he can come back later."

Learn it, live it, love it.

There is nothing wrong with FB-ing. I often get on the computer to look at FB and find my bride's account is the one that is logged into. I usually don't stay in her account but I have on occassion read the active thread if it was interest to me. Write this off to interesting information and don't sweat it beyond that. Take care of you.

Investment in qualifications, slills, and education is never a bad thing. I would do both. Find a job, go back to school. That gives you the hight ground in the whole situation. And..... if you are working and going to school you will have far less time to take the SD's shopping. }:) BONUS!!!

IMHO of course.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Like a lot of us, you got sucked into playing Happy Family. You fell for the manipulation and pretense that often accompanies steplife. You thought you were bonding with your SD, while she merely saw you as a resource to be tapped.

The truth is, your efforts will not be appreciated by either your spouse or his kids. Your SD is using manipulation and triangulating in order to get what she wants, and her father is falling for it, big time.

It is all a game you cannot win, so why keep playing? Catering to those brats is getting you nowhere. I think I'd quietly start distancing myself from them. No more shopping trips or other treats, be civil but no more, and make "Ask your dad." your go-to response. I'd also step up the job hunting efforts. You should always have your own money, especially since your H has shown you that he is also capable of being less than loyal.

SweetMom's picture

It doesn't matter if she isn't working. Her husbands money is her money. Child support should be enough. Anything extra is going out of the way unless it's court ordered to do so such as school clothing if it's in the divorce degree then you buy her whatever you feel that will fit her. Finances is a team play between husband and wife. If you both decided you go to school and not work then that's none of a kids business or any one elses.

robin333's picture

Absolutely no more shopping trips or mani/pedis with SD. You can't be the scapegoat for both of them if you are elsewhere studying.

Stop doing laundry. It's amazing how habits change when kids have to do their own laundry. No more folded clothes on the floor. I know from personal experience and laundry is a life skill everyone needs.

I agree with the other posters - get a job and go to school part-time.

As far as what your husband said about being married to you, that was cruel and so inappropriate.

ESMOD's picture

Ughhhh Teenage shopping years.

My OSD was more like your SD. She felt that she HAD to have the latest, greatest, exact item that everyone else had. I remember one particular trip with her, her dad and I to find her a pair of shoes.

Mind you, she was a challenge in that area with size 10 shoes. She had to have a particular brand, model AND color of shoes. Nothing else would do and they were like 90 dollar shoes. Shoot, I will buy that brand but only when I can get them for about 40-50. But to have that popular style/color and at her bigfoot size, there were few options. We finally ordered her some online but she was so frustrating.

I remember another shopping trip on a vacation to FL. Black Fleece Northface jacket was the only suitable thing. We stopped at a store and they had a very pretty blue northface fleece but only black would do for the princess. We were in that store with her, her sister, grandparents, DH and myself for over an hour as she agonized over the thought of paying 100 dollars for a jacket with her Christmas money. I secretly believe she hoped one of us would pony up and buy it for her but none of us did. We left the store without the jacket. She was pissed and ended up getting her grandparents to drive them back home early because she was in a mood.

Sorry cupcake. In the future, she was given a set amount of money to do her school shopping. Spend it on one pricey item or 10 reasonable items, your choice honey.

twoviewpoints's picture

I just read your "selfish husband " forum post you put up in June. :jawdrop:

That husband of your (*SMH*), your SD is the least of your problems. How much longer do you have yet to go before you finish your school? If a short time (a year?) you might finish so you'd reach your goal. If much longer than that I'd think about part time school part time work, hoarding every dime for an exit plan. Unless, of course, this is the horse's *ss you want and intend to ride out the rest of your years with.

All I'm saying is you're still fairly young, have a good another 15-17yrs before retirement and if you're thinking of moving on? Do it soon. You've got at least 30 years left that could be spent living life the way you deserve and a chance for true happiness... I don't see that for you married to this guy.

enuf's picture

Wow, I would certainly feel a sense of betrayal in what your dh is communicating to a child. Mini-wife comes to mind! Clearly, you need to stop doing for them as it will never be good enough. My stomach got sick for your situation. Yes, it was a private conversation, and you did snoop. However, now you know where you stand and that your dh is not supportive of you at all. In fact, it sounds like he resents the fact that he is supporting you, while you are just sitting around, reading, and writing papers, just using your mind while he is bringing in the big bucks and not being able to spend it all on his dc or on himself.

Stop it with taking the mini-wife shopping. Stop doing for these feral ingrates who think of themselves as royalty in your home. Let dh do it. Disengage from them. Personally, your dh is a jerk!! He through you under the bus because your sd complained that you were not spending enough money on her and cleaning up after her.

TwoOfUs's picture

I agree that she should get a part-time job for her own sake and her own security...but there's no reason she should have to pick up after a 14-year-old. She's in school to better her earning potential for the whole household...not sitting around eating bon-bons and doing nothing. The teen princess can do her own dishes and pick her clothes up off the floor. I can't imagine expecting my own MOTHER to do that for me at that age...and she was a SAHM.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Your SD needs the curse put on her, that's for sure. I hear by curse memyselfandI's stepdaughter. May she one day become a stepmother herself to bratty, entitled teenage girls with a guilty Disney daddy and for good measure, let their mother be a high conflict GUBM of the worst sort . There.

So_Annoyed's picture

I think this happens more than we talk about. And I think your DH and his precious baby girl :sick: are asses. She is playing you both, and disneydaddy is falling for it. Again, not surprising.

I have seen my own SD13 do this, and I decided that I wanted no part.
A few years back we had some huge struggles happening with her, and at one point I looked at her FB on her laptop, and DH and I saw that she had been badmouthing me to everyone that listened. We were Completely shocked, because she and I had seemingly gotten on very well up until then. DH played it off, oh she's a kid she doesn't realize what she's doing. Yeah, whatever.

So my eyes were opened to her two-faced ways and I simply backed off, I don't do for her, I don't buy for her, nothing. DH doesn't get it, he blames me for being distant, and not trying. All I can say is once you reveal yourself, you have lost my trust.

2Tired4Drama's picture

OK memyself, here's my take:

Agree with others: Disengage with this kid - it's a losing proposition. Don't do anything for her again. Period. Don't be lulled into thinking it's OK if she starts wheedling and kissing up to you again. Disengage, disengage, disengage. Be civil to her but that's it. Avoid her at all costs. She is a ingrate, a backstabber, and a sh!t-stirrer.

Here's some hard truth: At the age of 53, you will get limited return on investment with any education you are currently pursuing. Sorry, but that's the cold hard truth. The job market is NOT designed to support middle-aged women, especially if they are just starting off in a new career. If you have skills, go out and get a job NOW and start stockpiling as much money as you can, as fast as you can. You will need it (and the social security input) for your retirement.

Here's some more hard truth: Your DH has betrayed you and has made allegiance AGAINST you with his daughter. That does not bode well. I suspect he is not pleased with your marriage and may be contemplating divorce, which is identified in this statement:

"Try being married to her..I work hard for my money and she questions every dime I spend."

Read that again. "Try being married to her..." That encapsulates a lot and speaks volumes - mostly that he is unhappy, too.

And then hold a mirror up for the second part "...she questions every dime I spend." That's his perspective, and to be honest, there may be some truth in that. Based on your posting above look at how much of what your wrote is about cost comparisons, how much you spent on this or that, etc.

While you say you encourage him to spend on himself, I am doubtful about that. I think some people are natural "cash registers" and you may be one of them. Not necessarily a bad thing, as it is an indicator of the capability of fiscal evaluation. But if you are a cash register, and he doesn't ring up things the same way you do, the two of you are bound to have conflict.

If you are not currently working and contributing to the pot, he may be feeling irked about that. On top of it, footing bills for schooling he is not supportive of may be causing resentment.

Even if you disengage with your SD, I would still encourage you and your DH to go to a counselor and figure out a way to deal with your finances and expectations for the future.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think the conversation between your DH and SD was right in any way. All you can do at this point is change your own behavior, get a job, and open up a better dialogue with your husband. If that doesn't work, well, at least you will have a nest egg to start over with.

still learning's picture

SD14 was a complete ungrateful brat, and I can tell you that this greedy ingratitude is common/almost normal in most teens bio or step. My own teen daughter was the spawn of Satan from age 12 to 19, only in the last two years have the hormones settled and she's acting human again. The thing that is not at all acceptable is that DH stooped to SD's level and joined in on the jr. high gossip, when what he should have done was immediately shut it down. He's her parent but he took on the role of friend instead of father to her and husband to you.

I agree with others to get a job, full or part time, so that you are no longer at the beck and call of SD.

SweetMom's picture

Don't take the bitch shopping anymore! Continue to buy the genetics and you tell that little bastard that he better not break your fridge by slamming it. If your dh decides to side with his kids taking to their defense, You don't sleep In Same bed and when he wants sex you tell him maybe he can find it somewhere else and someone else to cuddle because you don't feel loved.

Is_What_It_Is's picture

Your DH is making you the bad guy by siding with his daughter. And there is no way an "adult" parent should be entertaining a conversation as such with a child. He has just reinforced her whole view no matter how distorted it may be. You cannot talk to a 14 year old about those things and then "agree" with anything - he validated every gripe she has!

If I were you, I'd get a part-time job at least and save every cent just in case you may need it later. I'd also cut out anything extra for the skids - no shopping trips, no special groceries, and absolutely NOT do their laundry. They are plenty old enough to do their own - no clean jeans or underwear, too bad! They should have washed it themselves!

It would be really hard for me to not say anything about what you read - but you CANNOT share what you read. Even though it was hurtful and eye-opening, you cannot let on like you know. You read something that was private - and we have all done that too! Bide your time, it will come out eventually. But make changes now keeping in mind with what you read.

DH will either get a clue about the girl and change - or you may need to start planning an exit strategy if this continues. Either way, get a job so you can get your own money. (((hugs)))