No, not living with him. I was just surprised that he blamed me for him divorcing me. I think you are right though he is seeing himself and his ds as victims. Now that I think about it it is rather typical as he has never accepted blame for anything or apologized for anything. He is also quite good at gas lighting. When I was married to him I probably would have been defensive and would try to explain myself. When he made that comment I did not respond to it. But why would he continue it now that we are divorced?

Boy, him divorcing me was a miracle for me. To bad he did not do it sooner.

Exjulie I think you hit the nail on the head. I never knew about a narcissist, however about a week ago I came across an article and sure enough he had about 90% of the characteristics. Since then I have read a book on it and it fits him especially the techniques he has used on me such as gas lightening. I did not think he was a liar, I did not realize how blatant he was about. How could I have been so gullible not to realize how he lied about things in order to shift the blame to me.

He does see his ds as an extension of himself. The enmeshment is so unbelievable. It was quite difficult to come to terms that his ds came first. I could see if I had been mean and uncivil to his ds. But that was never the case. His ds just resented me from the get go and no matter how much I tried he continued to be rude. My ex just ignored it and would get quite angry at me if I mentioned anything. It really was a horrible way to live.

I was always so nervous about dh wanting to divorce me and I really let it affect my emotions. This last time was the third time he filed and it was always over his ds, due to me feeling frustrated over his behavior towards me. All he had to do was put some boundaries and he refused. Strangely because I was always afraid of him divorcing me I thought I would be devastated over him actually divorcing me. Honestly, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted and I am not devastated. I am quite surprised by my reaction of the divorce. I think that going to motor vehicle was a much worse ordeal than my divorce. I am sure ex is also surprised at my reaction as he would always dangle "divorce" over me as a form of control.

He controlled everything. One time I planted flowers and because I did not get permission he was quite angry and gave me the silent treatment for about a week. After the week he told me that he would take care of the flowers, watering them etc. He took care of them by spraying them with weed killer. Mind you there are 4 acres of land, and the flower plot was about 3 feet by 6 feet. I also bought some flowers in a pot to put on the deck, nope, not that either when I was not paying attention he took them an planted them elsewhere, out of sight. He would also throw away a lot of my things. Like my sheepskin car seat covers, special pots I had, cookbooks, which was sad, as one was inherited from the 1800's. The strange thing was that I kept the cook books out of sight, so I do not understand what the big deal was. He complained of the things I had in curio cabinets to the point that I finally removed the things in them. The next day he put all his special things in them. Isn't that weird!

I was just so committed to my marriage and now I am so glad it is over and that my douche bag ss is completely out of my life. He was also horrific. Why I put up with everything, I do not know, however now I am exploring that issue. Codependency is the first thing that came to mind. But I really tried, by going to therapy and she never mentioned anything. Other than to say that my ss and dh were the same.

I feel sorry for my ex in that he thinks that he has to devote his life to his ds. I have finally come to the realization that my ss probably behaved this way with all of ex's prior relationships with women. I could not understand why my ex was a bachelor for 20 years before me. Now I do, it was because of his ds. I am no longer taking what happen personally, it really is a sickness and obsession between ex and ss. It does make me a little sick to my stomach when I think of the degree of enmeshment that is going on. I hope my ex learns to eventually not cater to his ds as he does not have many years left on this earth. What a burden it has been and will continue to be. I find it completely silly and sickening that being his ds hang out buddy is more important than being in a relationship with woman. Especially since they are so opposite. My ex is intelligent, accomplished, educated Ph.d. Ss did not graduate high school, cannot carry a normal conversation, very emotional, short tempered.

I am so grateful that I am no longer in the triangulation. I was always to blame for what was wrong in their relationship. I was the scapegoat. I look back and I cannot believe that I tolerated what I did. I allowed my self esteem to be chipped away to satisfy their egos and I lost so many years of happiness.

Continue to be strong and say no when your dh insists that you also cater to their skids. It then puts him in the position to have to choose. It really is better knowing where you stand right now, instead of wasting years only to find out that you are second to skid who is a parasite.

Rags, I do realize that is what happened. He believes in following through on his threats. The normal dance was that I usually was the one to approach him and try to make things better after he threaten me with it. This time was different, when he typed the words "divorce" and sent it by email, a vision came to me, of me letting him go through with his plans. We would be headed there again, as I was sure there would be next time of such threats if it did not happen this time. He felt as if he was in total control. But the important question is "in total control of what?" A middle aged ds48,that cannot function in the world without first talking to daddy and getting his approval. One friend whom by my ex's definition is a cranky racist.

I am sure he thought that I would be revengeful, angry, spiteful for what he did to me. The truth is that the word PITY came immediately to mind. He always wanted everything to be his. The only things I took from the house after all these years were my clothing and two pictures. That is all I wanted, I can get everything else, probably even better items than what is in the house. He was also so protective of his money and came across that is what I was after. Nope, not that either. He now knows that he gave up a person who just loved him for himself and now he realizes that I wanted nothing from him other than his love.

He had all these stereotypes about me to the point of having me sign all these legal documents, post-nup, doc that I would not contest his will, doc that all household possessions were to be his and so on, only to realize none of it mattered. I can get new ones.

I refused to let his actions to further impact me. That was a conscious decision on my part. He can no longer affect me the way he did. He no longer controls me. True liberation! He is floundering like a fish regarding his emotions of what has transpired.

Not caring is the best revenge!!!