Not my business, but geesh ...
I disengaged from SS 24 some time ago, and have been greatly relieved with that particular burr out from under my saddle. But I happened to be a close witness to this little drama yesterday, and it kind of encapsulates what's wrong with the relationship between DH and SS and why I disengaged.
SS has a really good job and, two years out of a university program, earns at least twice what DH earns, right now being paid a higher wage than DH ever has been paid in his life. DH was looking over his bills the other day, and realized that because of the way their accounts are set up, he has been paying $80/month toward SS's luxury cell phone for several years, including these past two when SS has been earning the bucks. Now, if that were my kid, I'd say something like, "Hey, have you noticed how tiny your cell phone bill is? [Of course you have you little jerk.] Well, in 48 hours it's going to go up." And the change would be made timely, believe me.
Seriously, that's what I'd do and I probably would display some irritation over their failing to mention that I've been paying the lion's share of a phone account I almost never use. But I'm just a big, tactless ol' meanie. DH plans to spend several weeks and much diplomacy informing SS that in a couple of months he'll be cast to the wolves, cell phone-wise. DH plans to break this big news while they're on a father-son camping trip in a couple of weeks.
SS is an Aspie (undiagnosed except by me), and as such has problems with change. But seriously? Is this tiptoeing around really necessary?
Ick. I'm so glad I'm out of this.
UGH, he is really going to
UGH, he is really going to tiptoe around the fact that his son, who is graduated from college AND earning more than he does, has to pay his own phone bill??? OH GEEZ is right.
I do not understand this kind of parenting AT ALL.. :? :?
Yes. Yes he is. I don't
Yes. Yes he is.
I don't understand it, either. I keep repeating, It's not my business, it's not my business, never miss a good chance to keep your mouth shut, keep your mouth shut, it's not my business.
I am so grateful he hasn't got a daughter.
I need to repeat that to
I need to repeat that to myself more.. I just get so worked up sometimes I cannot keep it in. But I'm working on it.
And you should be thankful your step is a boy, I raised a boy and it was a breeze, so this whole SD thing is baffling and aggravating to me.
In a way it is your business.
In a way it is your business. The money he has been shelling out for his ds are date nights out for both of you, or gift from dh to you. You have every right to be angry. I am angry for you. Disengagement does not mean that you have no feelings. You were exposed to the scenario of the cell phone and you have every right to feel what you feel. That wonderful thing to this is that you took a breath to decide what action you wanted to take. Instead of reacting, you stopped, thought about it, still thinking about it. To me you sound like a woman who is in control of "YOU". Way to go!!!!!
It wasn't easy to overlook
It wasn't easy to overlook this, especially since he asked me to find a good, cheap cell phone plan for him and then when I showed him what I'd come up with, he said he would have to ease into it over a couple of months because of ... something something ... can't suddenly pull the plug on SS and his creepy, furtive little texting and snapchatting and god knows what. I let loose a burst of irritation and then tuned him out. He can find his own damned cell phone plan.
I try not to get too wound up about how he spends his money. It does make for interesting conversation when I talk to my lawyer about our pre-nup, though. }:)
It makes me wonder if I'm doing something DH hates and is trying to diplomatically ease me out of. And again, I just cringe when I think what it would have been like if SS had a sister.
No, I do not think "DH...is
No, I do not think "DH...is trying to diplomatically ease me out of." I do think your dh is trying to ease you out. He has a shit son!!!
What I meant to say "I do NOT
What I meant to say "I do NOT think your dh". How can his ds raise his head knowing his df was paying his phone bill. Ds has no integrity!!
And now that I think about
And now that I think about it, if my BS21 had been doing that and I found out, he would expect me to change it over asap. And if he knew about it and didn't tell me (which he wouldn't have done to begin with) he would offer to reimburse me or help out or something. My head is shaking from this nonsense of doing it slowly :?
I agree, and if DH and I
I agree, and if DH and I shared a cell phone account this would not have happened. But DH is a bit of a Disney Dad, sorry to say, and he can't risk hurting SS's feefees, now, can he?
Yes, this fully grown and
Yes, this fully grown and gainfully employed man should be paying or he OWN phone now.
Your DH is fastf! It took my
Your DH is fastf! It took my DH about 3 years after we got married to make ss31 pay his own bill. All together Dh had been paying ss's phone bill for 10 years.
Crap like this is really the
Crap like this is really the Disney Dad's problem at least as much as it is the SS/SD problem. In the case described, I expect SS to say, "What? Huh? OK, whatever." He's probably sincerely unaware of what he's been costing his father. He won't volunteer to pay DH back, because he's that kind of POS and because he's that unaware that eighty bucks a month means something to some people. But it really will mean nothing to SS, whereas to DH this is emotionally a big deal and in practical terms is costing him kind of a lot of money. This is in some ways his last tie to SS and cutting him off the cell phone plan is a big deal to DH, but again to SS it will mean nothing.
For whatever reason, men like my sweet DH have a lot of trouble saying NO to their offspring. We can mentally masturbate about it/pressure/threaten/analyze it all we want, I guess, but in the end the solution is for the Disney parent to cut the cord. It will hurt them, but I have noticed that few aspects of proper parenting are not painful.
I've been trying not to get
I've been trying not to get too Mean Girls about this, but after having SS shoved down my throat more times than I can count ... well, I just gotta say ...
The father/son experience DH had in mind, where he was going to have some one-on-one bonding time with SS and while bonding break it oh-so-gently that SS will have to make his own cell phone arrangements--this plan has been getting trashed by the hour. It's now morphed into a motorcycle road trip in heavy traffic and 100-degree heat with SS and three of SS's closest buddies. The bros have been changing lodging plans and dates without consulting DH. He suggested and planned this trip and in the face of its ruin still seems not to see that SS believes it's all about him and what he wants. Yeah, that should be fun, a 60-year-old bald guy and a bunch of 20-something bros hitting the road on their hogs Labor Day weekend.
So glad I've kept my mouth shut the whole time.
DH: Now we're going to stay blah blah and I have to leave on Friday instead and there goes my vacation and blah blah but at least it should be fun blah blah ...
Me: Yeah, the bros are gonna love having SS's daddy along. No, I didn't really say that. I actually said: That's nice. Say, do you hear the sprinkler running? I think I forgot to turn it off.
Don't you wish you were a fly
Don't you wish you were a fly in dh pocket on this trip. What is dh going to do when they are trying to pick up women, pass around that special cigarette, or stay up later than 10:00pm when you dh would rather be in front of the tv? No bonding is going to occur on that trip as your dh will be a wet log to the younger men and dh will have no say in the activities for the group. It will be a trip that will allow your dh to understand that he has gotten older and what he wants the most is to be comfortable with a dw who will really pay attention to him, no one will really be paying attention to him on his bonding trip.
Haha, yeah. I said in another
Haha, yeah. I said in another thread, DH needs to bow out of this trip but he won't have the guts. I'd urge him to do what he now obviously wants to do, but I'd rather not leave any possibility he can blame me for being the bad guy and putting the kibosh on his trip with SS. I will be really, really nice to him when he gets home, exhausted and frustrated and longing to finally relax. Later this year I'll die on the hill of what will inevitably become SS's plans to crash with us over the Christmas holiday. Meantime, have fun, boys!
Snickering into my sleeve.