You are here

HELP!! My step daughter hates me!

stepmomtoluna's picture

My husband has been the sole caretaker of his now 2.5-year-old daughter since she was just a few weeks old. Her biological mother is not in the picture at all.

When we met, his daughter was a year old. He's an amazing father, which is one of the things that made me fall in love with him. The only problem is, she had NO discipline. He allowed her to act however she wanted with no consequences. Any time she had a tantrum, he frantically tried to find the magic cure, by offering her anything he could think of to stop her crying. Despite being spoiled, she has always been the sweetest little girl.

We got along very well from the beginning. Shortly after us moving in together (it's been 7 months now) she started calling me momma on her own, and we formed a tight relationship. I taught her things, we had games we played together, songs we'd sing, etc.

My husband knew she needed to have structure and discipline, and together we came up with routines and things to help give those to her. He no longer gives in to her tantrums, she has consequences (mostly just time out because she's only 2.5) and every day no longer revolves around making sure she's happy every second of the day. It was an adjustment, but I feel she's done very well throughout the ordeal. She's very smart and just all around a good hearted kid. Of course, she still has typical toddler tantrums, but not the monstrous fits she had before because she's no longer used to getting her way by doing so. All in all, she's a well behaved little girl.

The problem is, she now hates me. All of the changes I've mentioned so far happened months ago (I still mentioned them to give a clear picture of the situation) but about two weeks ago, she all of a sudden developed this hatred for me. It used to be no big deal if her dad went to the store and left her home with me. We would play and have "girl" time together. She would be happy to see him when he was home, but she wasn't upset while he was gone. Now, he can't even leave her in the same room as me without her having a melt down. She just cries uncontrollably until he returns.

I've tried calling her down by talking to her, "Luna, it's okay. Daddy just went to get a drink. He'll be right back." and she cries harder. I tried in a firmer voice "okay that's enough, there's no reason to cry" and got the same response. If I ignore her, she just gets louder and louder and gets closer and closer to me, until she's literally screaming in my face. As soon as he's back home or in the room, the tears dry and she's back to laughing and having fun.

When the three of us are together, she still laughs and plays with him but barely talks to me any more. It's almost like she's pretending I'm not even there. I can no longer do simple things like taking her out of her car seat or bathing her any more without a melt down. Sometimes, she'll act the way she used to act with me for a short time. Then, it's like she remembers that she's supposed to hate me and goes back to crying.

We've tried to pinpoint an event that started this, but we've been unable to do so. I love this little girl so, so much. I miss her, and I don't want things to continue this way. Any advice would be so appreciated!

stepmomtoluna's picture

I say she hates me because of how she reacts any time we're alone together. The look on her face and her body language show that she just can't stand being around me. She only has these crying fits when she's with me. No one else.

I'm not sure why you made the comment that I need to remember I'm not her biological mother. I never claimed to be, or acted like I am. What I am is someone who loves her unconditionally and wants to do anything I can to make her life as good as it possibly can be. We do plan for me to adopt her, probably within the next year or so. I don't understand how that is relevant to the situation though.

I'm asking for advice, not criticism or insults. Thanks for the reply though.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

My daughter did/does it to me too. Cries bloody murder when DH takes a different car than us but has no response when I am the one who is taking the different one. DH teases me about this and tells me he's her favorite.

On eggshells's picture

I believe you! My SO has a daughter that's almost 3 and she very clearly hates me too! I don't know what to do either! Her mom is still in the picture, but I've known this child since she was 7 mo old and for most of that time we had 50/50 custody with no problem. This all just started in the last 6 months!

Even when her dad is there, she still acts strange. She will refuse to answer simple yes/no questions if I ask, but will answer him. Even if he TELLS her to answer me, she still won't. This girl would rather go all day long without a drink (or whatever) rather than ask me for anything!

stepmomtoluna's picture

Thanks for the suggestion. I looked for books to read a while back (before this behavior started, so it wasn't specifically about this) but I was kind of overwhelmed at the amount of parenting books out there. Are there any you suggest?

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I should print this out and post it on my fridge. It's hilarious and true and I think my mom would get a laugh out of it as well! 25 was definitely the time I started returning to the foundation and wanting that closeness with my parents.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

She's 2.5... I remember this age... my daughter just passed it. I feel for you. As a warning... I hear 3 is worse (we're about to hit that mark.) I never thought I'd stare into the depths of hell until I watched her melt down so hard I swear I could see her esophagus.

Like everyone else said, a 2.5 year old can't "hate", they don't have that capacity. They can develop fears and phobias at this age but to hate someone is beyond them. Stop thinking of it as hate and realize it could be just a phase. You're connecting two things (you coming into the picture and establishing routine and discipline with her dad) with an age that's just pretty difficult all around--they can't really be reasoned with (god knows I've tried) or yet truly have a concept of "future." Think, a puppy/dog will always wonder when you step out the door whether this is the last time they will see you, and always greet you with the same insane enthusiasm when you get back as if they thought they'd never see you again.

This was the age when our daughter would FREAK OUT and cry the whole way home if my husband took his car instead of us all driving together (had we taken two cars) and no amount of "Daddy's right there! Right behind/next/in front of us!" could console her--so I'd have to sit, gritting my teeth, as she howled in the background. I don't know why she attached to her dad so hard (What am I, chopped liver? I am the main caretaker, damnit!) and she's just starting to grow out of it--it happens still maybe 1/3rd of the time, the rest of the time she stares at me skeptically when I tell her we'll see him once we get home/to the place we're going. She's starting to connect my words (i.e. promises) with the future tense. Since she's starting to verbally develop (she's 3), she'll ask over, and over, and over "We will see daddy?" and I just keep saying yes (even though inside I'm like, I ALREADY SAID YES, STOP ASKING.)

Our therapist says it's completely normal that they keep on asking the same question--they are trying to confirm things that are constant in the world, and one way to do that is to receive the same answer and consequence over and over and over again.

One thing that helped was having her watch Daniel The Tiger's episode on grown ups come back--it's designed for separation anxiety. I just sing the jingle when I notice she's a little worried.

Other than that, read the links above and find some resources on separation anxiety. I mean, I'm my daughter's BIOLOGICAL mother and when I leave, she doesn't even cry for me the way she cries for her dad. It's easy to think she prefers him over me.

Monchichi's picture

This is the separation anxiety and attachment age, throw in some night terrors and it's all fun and games. HORRIBLE time.

Monchichi's picture

LOL, no Sal that would get you a "Sally, no you don't cwy. I cwy" then she would laugh at you. Ignore it. The tantrum age is only made worse by engaging with the terrorists.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Ugh, lucky. I tried a few times. She only cried harder and seemed to get scared. Wish she got embarrassed instead--would have been a much easier currency to deal with.

Monchichi's picture

Hahahaha good luck using that on mine. She'd hiss back/ whack you on the head with a pan/ toy/ ironing board then say "norty gwirl, I don like".

Monchichi's picture

Fruit Blum 3 I love her 60% of the time. The other 40 is touch and go. Ignoring however works like a charm on both my girls. If I don't like the behaviour I actually give them the cold shoulder. Devastates them and I never see a repeat of it.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Okay, but what if they literally cry and scream and chase after you just to make sure you "hear" them. I mean it's a great strategy that EVENTUALLY worked but I swear, when you're being chased down by a 2 year old who insists you sit through her entire tantrum through the house, you're like "PLEASE KILL ME NOW."

I would lock myself in the bathroom and my daughter would scream at the door for a solid 10 minutes until she'd "switch" it off all of a sudden, and then ask, calm as a cucumber, "Can I come in?"

OMG. Those were the moments when I'd be like, "This child is smarter than me."

Monchichi's picture

I have mastered the art of switching off their shrieks and carrying on regardless. If I didn't I'd have eaten one of them by now.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

LMFAO.

Sometimes I look at BD when she's being an absolute monster and I'll say, ...I totally understand why some mammals eat their young.

If they weren't so darn cute when they're not being bad.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Probably would have solved a lot of issues for me.

I remember the first time BD (2 at the time) hit me out of anger--we NEVER spanked or anything so I think it was the first time she's ever "tried" that method of expressing her displeasure.

I hit her right back (not hard, but enough to shock). That was my most brilliant move to date.

The look on her face was PRICELESS. Like, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?!?!

I then apologized and made her apologize and told her hitting was bad and if she didn't like it done to her, she shouldn't do it to anyone else. She never hit anyone ever again.

Thinking back, that might have been the only time I got a victory in...

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I would add to this and say that after the calms down, however long it takes in her room, you reward her with hugs and kisses and then a short explanation like, "Thank you for not crying. Let's go do fillintheblank (something fun)."

moeilijk's picture

Um. Ok, a great father would be all over discipline, because kids need discipline to teach them right from wrong, and that's what great fathers want to do for their kids.

I highly doubt it's separation anxiety. That's almost always with new people - like when I switched daycare centres, and when the babysitter at the gym was sick and they had a replacement.

And she doesn't hate you. She's just figured out how to get a whole lot of attention from you, and she'll take any kind. It's your job (to preserve your sanity) to stick with positive attention or no attention, because negative attention still gives her a bang for her buck.

1. Prepare kid. "Daddy's going to leave for a few minutes and he'll be back soon. Hugs kisses bye!"
2. Explain again. "Yep, Daddy's gone. He'll be back later. You miss him? Me too, Daddy's great, isn't he!"
3. Offer a distraction. "So now it's time to do some painting/make something with playdoh/decorate this butterfly. I need someone who can do a good job putting glue over here. Can you help?"
4. Set limits. "Yep, Daddy's gone. But I can't understand you when you're yelling like that. I know you're a big girl and you can calm down. When you calm down, you can try again. I'll still be here ready to listen."
5. Walk away. You've explained the situation and what behaviour you will accept. So go get a cup of tea and wait it out.

Ok, I went back and read your OP. I see at the bottom that every activity with you is now plagued by tears and that she ignores you when all three of you are together.

Here's how I'd address that.
1. The crying around car seats, bathtime, etc etc. Just ignore. Do not continue the activity until she stops if you can. Tell her, "Luna, I can see you're upset because you're crying. It's time to put shoes on to go to xyz. You can have a hug now and we can work together on putting your shoes on, or I will carry you with no shoes on to the car." You can give her a choice, but do NOT let it drag out. Show her that what she says has power - she says NO to a hug, ok, walk away. Things have to happen, she's been asked to cooperate and refuses, then they happen anyway and you carry her. She's only 2.5, you can pick her up without doing any harm. (Best not wear dangly earrings yourself though, lol!)

2. Ignoring you when you are all together.
I'd do a lot of pretend-play with her, even get DH involved or have him do it on his own a few times as well. But do it yourself too. A couple of her dolls are playing jumping on the bed, and another one wants to play but the first two ignore her. The 3rd dolly starts to cry. Or the 3rd dolly jumps by herself. Or the 3rd dolly goes to do something else. Or the 3rd dolly finds a 4th dolly to jump with, or do something else with. Present all kinds of options, see how Luna reacts. Do some modelling, "I don't want to play with you if you hit me," says one dolly to another, for example, but keep it light. You can do this every day for years, so no one time of playing is very important for teaching the lesson(s).

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

She's 2.5. She doesn't get to make decisions. If she has a tantrum when he leaves, one or both of you pick her up, put her in time out, tell her she can come out when she's calm and then don't let her out until she's calm. Make sure the bathroom or whatever room you have for time outs does not have anything around that she could hurt herself with on accident. The end. Also, check out the Love and Logic parenting book series.

Rags's picture

This crap is what a crib, a closed bedroom door, and a killer stereo is for. Dump her in her crib, close the door, and crank up the tunes until she either passes out or daddy gets home.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Kids get no say. They do what they are told when they told to do it or they suffer the consequences.

If there is no illness, pain, physical discomfort, etc.. then this is just toddler manipulation and there is no reason to tolerate it other than to make sure the kid is safe, fed, and cared for when these meltdowns occur.

Update you play list, practice your crib dumping move, and let the kid cry it out in isolation.

If this crap continues to happen then I suggest DUCT TAPE! It seals whailing little lips very well. Just kidding of course. }:)