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I'm back and mad a hell

weekendwidow's picture

So...for a long time I had trouble with my "adult" step children because my DH was a doormat. We went to counseling and I put my foot down on certain issues and things got to be pretty darned good. DH understands that I will never keep him from his crotch droppings, but in return to stop asking and expecting me to be present when he does see them. He can see them anywhere but our home. This is my sanctuary and if anyone tells me to go F**K myself, they are no longer welcomed in my sanctuary. He gets its...most of the time.

His son has been (19 and knows everything) is a liar and a thief. He dropped out of college w/o telling the wallet (my DH) and lied about it when confronted. He ignores DH until he needs money. Anyway, just giving some background info.

Since April, my DH and I have been renovating his 113 year old family lake cottage. Every other weekend we spend fixing that place up - electric, plumbing, painting, flooring everything! It's brand new and looks fantastic.

So tonight at dinner he springs on me that he is going up there for a father/son weekend with SS19 on the same weekend my BD19 goes back to college. BD19 lives with us, adores her step dad and goes out of her way to make him know he's not the ass his kids say he is. She is devoted to him. He knows this.

So, I work my freaking ass off to make the cottage habitable and DH wants to take his asshole son up there for a father/son retreat on the same weekend BD leaves for college. He's ditching his SD who adores him for his asshole son who uses and ignores him. I am beyond livid and my daughter is so hurt. His son has blown him off for an ENTIRE YEAR and never had the time of day for his dad. Now, suddenly he wants to spend time with dad?? I know he wants something, i.e money.

I am so pissed off at my husband for rewarding my hard work on his cottage by leaving me to take my daughter to college and spend the rest of the weekend alone and sad, while his asshole, piece of shit son gets to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I am seeing red and feel like I'm going to vomit. My daughter is upstairs in her room, crying.

Thanks for letting me rant. I am so pissed.

weekendwidow's picture

This is the only weekend his son can get off work and No, he adores my daughter. Introduces her as "his" all of the time.

Blended_Spectrum's picture

So you're saying just because SD isnt biological theres no obligation to her? If they're married and have this life together why isnt any of this suppose to matter?

Blended_Spectrum's picture

If he wants to be in the Bkids life, then why marry him? They are still going to be around even after CS is done.

weekendwidow's picture

Didn't ask for your opinion. Just venting. Don't know why you feel the need to kick someone when they're down. If you read my history with my steps, I think you may have been a little kinder to me. No worries. We all have bad days.

notsobad's picture

I'd be angry too.
I'd also be worried that SS will break in and live there or steal things once he knows where it is and when it will be empty.

notsobad's picture

Come on guys.

The OP said the SS is a liar and a thief. He goes up there with Dad and sees all the work done, sees the new things there and now the old 113 year old cabin is shiny and new. A place he rarely thought about is now in the forefront of his mind.

I'd be worried that he would go up there and either camp out when no one is there and steal something.

twoviewpoints's picture

" And if she went up there and worked and SS didn't, that is on DH for not making his son help out.."

You're kidding, right? No way does or would OP allow this kid around her EOWE , even to do manual labor. What has her knickers in a knot is that the kid is going to cottage, period. I don't think it occurred to her that her DH's family cottage wasn't going to be an extension of her home and be considered skid free and off limits. Just another sanctuary for her.

Never fails to amaze me to see a SM with bio-children of her own start degrading a skid as a c-drop. Seriously. The woman has a c-drop herself and hers' isn't as important to Dad than his own.

Blended_Spectrum's picture

Maybe your DH just feels guilty, and takes whatever he can get from his kids, which sucks, but theyre still his kids. Like what River said does he know that its the same weekend? Is there a possibility to move either event?

Blended_Spectrum's picture

Wow, angry much?

All I asked was why you dont feel like OPs BD matters, according to you she shouldnt even be considered SD.She's still part of his family, Even though not biologically his, he made a choice to be in her life when he decided to marry OP.

Why are you even bringing my situation into this, You know basically nothing about me? No I don't live with my SD so what? I still do things I dont really want to do, because shes still part of my life, and will continue to do so, even if she hates me and thinks Im step monster in the future, because thats what I signed up for when I married him, and he knows that he has to go to my BD events because thats what families do.

Indigo's picture

"Fathers just want the call. It doesn't matter WHY they call. They WANT the interaction with their kids no matter ..." and "Moreover, fathers WANT to be able to provide for their children. So to them, any excuse is an opportunity." -- Sueu2

You nailed a very important point. Spot on!

WalkOnBy's picture

I have done it three (physically twice) times. I wasn't emotional, I didn't want my husband along for support, I wanted him around to do the (literal) heavy lifting. But then again, I am a parent who doesn't cling to my kids and who was fully prepared for them to launch Smile

DH and I moved DD25 to her dorm, I moved Thing1 to his dorm and my DH moved Thing2 to his dorm his second year in because I had an important work thing that I couldn't get out of. I had ZERO problems with DH offering to do it for me and would have made alternate arrangements for someone to help Thing2 if he wasn't available.

A step parent does NOT have an obligation to a step kid. Period. Dot.

twoviewpoints's picture

Precious might have to load, unload and carry all her stuff without big strong SF (who she adores *bats eyelashes*) to do it for her. Wink

enuf's picture

Its a problem when dh always feels guilty. I agree the least he could had done is wait for you and him to go and enjoy the cabin without having to work on it first. I would have been pissed off too. Unfortunately, these type of things happen frequently because of the guilt and the kids know how to pull the strings.

I remember my first Thanksgiving with my ex. His ds is coming over for dinner and my ds is also joining us. His ds walks in grunts at me, never says hello, always say hey and then turns away. He turns on the t.v. and ex feels he has to entertain by watching the game with him. I am cooking, my ds is helping, we get the food on the table. Dh tells his ds to turn of the tv. Ss sits down and proceeds to wolf down his food in 5 minutes gets up to watch tv again. Dh feels he has to keep his ds entertain gets up to watch tv with him. Dinner is over in a matter of minutes. I was livid. My dh argues that his ds is a guest and if he wants to watch 6 hours of tv for Thanksgiving that is what will be done. The following Thanksgiving I flew across the country and spent it with people who cared. He was livid.

The purpose of the story is to suggest that the following weekend after your dh and ss enjoy the cabin, invite a friend to go to the cabin with you, without your dh. If necessary do it two weekends in a row. If dh complains, tell him you just figured that he did not want to enjoy it with you because as soon as the cabin was ready he took someone else.

Boy, am I glad that my interactions with ss are finally over. What a difference in my life. I no longer have ss. Yay!!!

still learning's picture

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MineAndYours's picture

I would be pissed too..
He has an obligation to you... his wife. Your DD going off to college is a stressful time for you and he should be there to support you...regardless of his obligations to his son or your daughter! Both kids are not babies..so should be able to reason which life event should be most important..going to college or a weekend at a cottage. You should be your DH priority...simple

CANYOUHELP's picture

It appears you have no say so about events and visitation in your marriage, as you are told by the husband. Then, I would have no say so...nor would he. I would disengage from that house and let it be ALL his, go get all your stuff out, if you contributed, and tell him to enjoy the house with his kids. It is his and his alone, you want nothing to do with it. You want nothing to do with any of it!

There is a difference between telling you and discussing it with you and making plans together, regardless of who has kids by whom. Yes, of course you should be upset..this is 101 Communication between a husband and wife. And, the daughter does matter if he adores her, as you say--his or not.

You are his wife and he needs to act accordingly. He cannot decide you can be a wife to fix up his house and then ignore your feelings, when more convenient.

I like being considered, consulted--not being TOLD. I'd be furious, but one thing I would never do--is have anything else to do with HIS house, ever....

CANYOUHELP's picture

Thank you, I just hate it for her that she put her money and time in HIS house, given this royal treatment by him. If my name was not listed on the title, I would never set foot in the place--- even if it was the Taj Mahal.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Given a divorce, she could claim one-half (before and after marriage) "appreciation" of this/HIS house. He has the value of the house before marriage automatically awarded, given a divorce.She does have the burden of proof to show value of the home before and after (sometimes the tax records are all you need). But even if her name is not on the title and if she is legally married, she is entitled to "appreciation" one-half, unless she signed a prenup giving away her rights to all beforehand.

So, not withstanding a prenuptial agreement, considerate hubbie might wish to consult her if it means thousands out of his pocket, possibly.

Just saying....:-), no so silly....

CANYOUHELP's picture

Appreciation value is still a right if it can be proven, it may be depending on state possibly: I cannot speak to every state law.

Here, it is possible.

I think it would be wise for her to not put another dime in the place- period. I would never go back inside, if this is his attitude and how he plans to address it. If the man would make his kids respect her, from what I am reading, they would be allowed in their primary home--and, until you'e lived with a doormat for a husband---it is hard to understand how one would arrive at..I am done. Clearly, using her is not a problem, should you agree?

Nobody likes being used, this could have been talked out, had he tried beforehand with her.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Yes, I get it...she decided to help him out, like wives naturally do. I imagine that she thought her consideration might be reciprocated at the very least by having a thoughtful discussion-- beforehand.

Even if he did not use her, (and, I believe he did), she feels used and not valuable enough to have been taken into consideration by him. To me, it would have been worth his time and emotion to have a discussion with her, instead of telling her. All this emotion was not necessary.

I realize there are two sides to every story, but I applaud her for reaching out for our support.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Cannot tell you what she did, or didn't do... but from what I am reading she appears to be asking/needing more communication, at the very least.

She might have handled it better with the DD, (not certain how that went down, either), but I know I cannot carry a 100 lb. micro fridge up 16 flights of stairs a mile away alone, forced parking of the car for unloading. I wish moving in my daughter in had been as simple as just moving clothes, bedding, etc. Sometimes you can get assistance from other helpful students, but nobody has to help you move very heavy items. She and I were good with everything but the micro fridge.... And, yes, we moved that thing in and out for several years...ughhhh....

Maybe he is the only support person--they have, not certain; but if so, I do recommend finding a more reliable source, a better back up plan, since it appears he'll only be around when his son "is working."

Maybe the son can provide her with his work schedule in advance, lol...

CANYOUHELP's picture

I agree with you that kid's Dad SHOULD help. But, some are NO help when it comes to doing the real work it takes to raise a child through adulthood. Hopefully, she explored this alternative, she certainly will need to, if not. Being self-sufficient is a good thing for all kids, I agree.

Not to debate the weight of micro fridge (which is different from a mini fridge)... ours had a microwave attached at the top of a refrigerator/freezer; ( thus, called a micro-fridge), and every child had somebody helping them lift these huge things (each student moving in had one and none are small).

I admit I have spoiled my daughter a bit, but I would have carried the thing myself, if it killed me, rather than telling her if you can't carry it, you cannot have it, especially when every student had their own. That would be ridiculous.

In fact, it was a dorm requirement! If you did not bring your own you were forced to rent one by the college, regardless. For one semester the rental was twice the price of the one you could purchase. Thus, you lugged it back and forth and, no one person could lift it. She and I were able to find another student to help us, fortunately.

2Tired4Drama's picture

After counseling, you said "DH understands that I will never keep him from his crotch droppings, but in return to stop asking and expecting me to be present when he does see them. He can see them anywhere but our home."

Sounds to me like he is doing just that.

I do wholeheartedly agree with all the practical/tough-love opinions others have given you, regarding your DH putting his own son first - no matter how bad the kid has acted in his life. I also agree that even though you may have helped renovate the cabin, your DH does not consider that you have any right to how it is used. Hard lesson learned - so don't help with any of DH's family property anymore, since the SS will undoubtedly be able to use it.

Parenthood is a powerful connection, and ultimately won't trump other people who may be "nice" or "supportive" or "loving" ... including your daughter. Keep in mind there are tens of thousands of "kids" in jail, some for pretty horrific crimes but most of their parents will still declare their love and support them.

But I do understand how upset you are since you've witnessed the dismissiveness and bad behavior from SS towards your DH. It's very hard for a SM/F to forget or disconnect emotionally from the pain they see a bad skid heap upon their spouse. I feel the same way - I see how badly his kids hurt my SO but I have disengaged and don't comment. It's still hard to watch, though.

Just remember that your DH is following your agreement made during counseling.

It's OK to be mad as hell - but keep it to yourself, don't express it to your DH and don't drag your DD into it.

Venting here is supposed to be OK, even if what you want isn't realistic. I get that.

sammigirl's picture

This is difficult for you after your SS has treated you so badly in your own home; been there too. SS sounds like he likes drama, as my SD56 loves drama.

I would take you daughter to college and make plans to get a room and spend the weekend there helping her get settled in. I would enjoy my weekend away from home, returning home after DH gets home. I wouldn't call DH or text him; if you hear from him, just answer with a positive short answer and try to relax.

Let DH and SS do their thing for the weekend. Separate you SS and DD out of your marriage. I spent last Christmas with my 100 yr. young Father, because I don't know how many more Christmas's I'm going to have him. My DH didn't want to go with me, which was very hurtful. I put plan B into effect. I suggested that DH go to SD's house Christmas Day (up the street), while I go to my Father's (neighboring State, long drive) Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, returning home Christmas Day to celebrate DH and my Christmas that evening, in our own home. It was very emotional and lonesome for me; but I did not want to go to SD's for more disrespect and DH wanted to spend Christmas with his kids (SS & family traveled long distance too). This is probably the biggest step I will have to take in disengagement from my SD. Holidays are extremely difficult; with that said, that comes with disengagement.

Skids and bios can cause so much stress and hurt in a marriage. It took me years to realize my SD wanted nothing more than for me to leave; she even said so in an email, because she didn't have the guts to come visit with me face to face and still will not do so. If SD would have sat down and discussed our differences with me, we would not be at this point. She hates me, has always been jealous, has been blatantly disrespectful for 36 years. So I finally let it all go and am concentrating on my marriage.

Your cottage is a material thing and you have put lots of labor of love into it, I understand. But is it worth the fight for DH and SS to visit for the weekend? Be thankful you don't have to put up with it and enjoy your time with your DD. As for DD being disappointed; she will be ok and life isn't always going to be the way she wants it; she is learning this already.

I understand your concerns, but you have to set some boundaries for yourself and move forward in your life. If it helps, I still get "mad as hell", but have learned to distract myself. You are the one setting the pace for your DD also. Chin up and have fun!

sandye21's picture

^^^THIS!!!^^^ You have to ask yourself if this is a hill worth climbing. I would ask DH what his vision is for the cabin: Is it to be a retreat for the two of you or a place his family can congregate? Or maybe both? His answer will determine just how much money and energy you will be contributing.

This can be a plus for you. You can use it as retreat with your DH, let him have weekends with SS, and then you have a super weekend with DD and leave DH at home. You could collaborate with DH to develop rules for the cabin.

I agree - "As for DD being disappointed; she will be ok and life isn't always going to be the way she wants it; she is learning this already." Another hill to consider if it is worth climbing.

sammigirl's picture

Quote: "This is my sanctuary and if anyone tells me to go F**K myself, they are no longer welcomed in my sanctuary." I took it to be said in her home; maybe not.

We took our son to college, got a nice hotel room, ran some errands for him, met up later and took him to dinner; spent the night, due to the distance to travel and never did "hang around him". We took in some sight seeing, without him, and made it a weekend for us. He knew we were in the area, if he needed anything. Enjoyed our weekend and we didn't intrude on his dorm. Lol....

I still say DH can spend time at the cottage with SS and she shouldn't stress over it; just find something to do while he's enjoying father/son time. I didn't debate the ownership of the cottage; doesn't seem that is the issue. Spending time with the SS without her seems to be the issue here. This is what I do, while my DH spends time with his kids, I have plenty to do and enjoy the break from DH.

Not giving advice, just suggestions.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Right again Sammi...that is exactly what she said SS stated to her in her original post. And, regardless of location, these comments/language directed toward her-- speaks volumes about her SS.

still learning's picture

Absolutely agree with Sammi. Use this weekend to bond w/DD and have a great time sending her off. Obviously there was a communication gap and lots of assumptions were made on both sides. Just wondering where Bio dad or other family from your/her side is? Is there any way that anyone else could help/contribute in sending DD off? Uncle? Grandpa?

I'm about to go through this w/#3 child and I'm enlisting exH to take him around to visit colleges so I can stay home with bs14. exH will also contribute to the launch either financially or physically; there's no way I'm going to do it all alone.

DH was inconsiderate in not consulting you first. Some people's husbands...sheesh!

tuffcookie's picture

:jawdrop:

New to this site. This was the first topic I read. I must say some of you are pretty harsh. When you get married all family member's should join as one, but we all know this is very difficult. I personally Have tried very hard at doing this. But know more I will not kiss any adult kid's ass just to pacify my husband. I have adult kids that are kid's from hell. I don't give a rat's ass if they come around or not.
Yes I think your so called husband should have went and seen his daughter off...(yes your thinking stepdaughter) well I'm not. Her husband's son sound's like a real looser and need's to grow the hell up. Another daddy with his head in the sand. Correct me if I am wrong this page is suppose to be a support group where we do expect you to be honest with us.BUT you don't have to be CRUEL. ......................HRYNC...have noticed a lot of your comment's. You must be trying to be the perfect little advisor ...Well I will say , you seem to think you are a know it all. Try being a little more understanding.

Dunwiththem's picture

Tuffcookie. It doesn't matter if you've been here 10 years or 10 minutes - you're entitled to your opinion which is just as valid as anyone's.
Time on a forum does not equal time life served.

enuf's picture

Sometimes what is written on this site can be quite harsh and to the point with absolutely no fluff to soften the blow. Having been through what I have I can tell you that comments that fall under that category are sometimes necessary. It is important to see both sides of the coin. It gets me to see beyond my nose that there are other ways of looking at things. I do appreciate the sometimes blunt statements.

sandye21's picture

I agree that it is sometimes necessary to be blunt because often we need a bit of 'shaking' for us to take action. Also, more options for dealing with a problem. This can be accomplished by using constructive criticism and tact. Name calling and bullying are not necessary to get an opposing view across. So of the posts seem to be focused more on shock and ridicule than actually helping anyone. I've been through enough negativity in my life and will not respond to comments that are meant to put me down.

sammigirl's picture

This is true to the point. I try to not take any comments personally; again we here do not know all the facts, only what we are being told. With that said, common sense and reading between the lines, to understand both sides can be very constructive.

I have learned strength I thought I would never be able to obtain, from this site and the great support I and others here have received. I am always open to constructive criticism and I also do not respond to comments that are meant to undermine or put me down. I do have to say, I've not received any comments of such and if I did, they did not offend me.

I come to this site to read and learn, more than to vent; but when I need to vent, I always receive good advice.

notasm3's picture

As in real life there are aholes that exist. When they go off on people it is time to "IGNORE THE WHORE".