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Disengagement

Ava64's picture

Hello Everybody,
I have spent hours reading this forum, crying constantly at the similarity of having adult SK who are rude, disrespectful and constantly telling DH what we (he and I) should and shouldn't do.
My Dh is a wonderful man but doesn't like conflict so just puts up with anything they do and makes excuses and after excuses after excuses. He hates to upset them even though deep down he knows there games (telling all family and friends he doesn't love them anymore as he has a new wife etc). They are 34 and 31!!
I have spent years of stomach churning, trying herbal remedies to sleep, am a tiny part of what I used to be. My stomach churns every time he tells me how they are sorry (AGAIN) and didn't mean it etc etc.
I have read a lot of you have disengaged and that has been the only way to keep your sanity (I do feel sometimes like it's just me in the world who is going through this). He texts them secretly (when he is on the bathroom!), he calls them when he is at work, which doesn't bother me but I don't understand why it is secret.
Since I tried to disengage, he has accused me of not being forgiving to their mistakes, to being awkward for not wanting to go and visit them, for making it more difficult for him, he now says 'you never liked them anyway' which is simply not true (but they have convinced him of it). We married 6 years ago and things are no better and I wish I hadn't married onto a stepfamily. If I knew then what I know now ...... that my life would be forever dictated by 2 grown adults who have tantrums whenever they feel like it, that they rule our lives and make me feel like a spare part, I wouldn't have entered into it. After years of being a doormat, I now just sit and cry because I am so worn down by it all.
How can you disengage without being accused of not being understanding to the Sk?

Amcc13's picture

So as far as I see you have a few options
The first is you write out a list of all the stuff they have done. Next time he gives out you say Hun I have tried. You have told me sorry over and over and how things will change and they haven't. It's obvious you can't handle it and it's killing me slowly. Because of this I have taken a step back because I need protection for myself. You are more than welcome to see them as you like just not inside this house

You could also try counselling to help him work on boundaries and not attacking you for his shite childrent

The final option is divorce and I think your getting close to this. Like he believes these brats over you even knowing what they are like. He is a wuss who doesn't deserve a good kind woman.

Personally I would kick is ass to the curb

sickofevilspawn's picture

I agree with everything you said. I am to the point of not caring because of 33 SD and a DH who just wants everyone to get along. She wants nothing more than to use her father for everything from $$ to fixing her life....the life she created. That is why I named her evilspawn

sammigirl's picture

It makes me feel a bit more at home to know that I'm not the only bitch.

Seven years ago I began my disengagement from SD and SGD, as you know. I was nice and took it slow; but guess what, now I'm with you Sally. They can't take a hint, so I lay it on the line, bluntly.

It's not "lady like", but DH made the mistake, one day, of calling me a bitch in regards to his DD. My reply, "from now on, you are about to meet one and you won't like it". He doesn't, but there is more peace in our home than 7 years ago.

hereiam's picture

Why have you put up with it for 6 years?

Sorry, but your husband is not so wonderful if he lets his adult kids rule his life and his marriage.

ItsGrowingOld's picture

My answer to your husband would be.... If your adult daughters are truly sorry, they would change their actions and attitude towards me. Sorry doesn't cut if not followed up by action.

Set your boundaries and be firm. Seek counseling to help you straighten things up in your own mind. You sound really depressed Sad

Journey Perez's picture

Just like a Disney dad to turn it around on you and deflect. Your husband is the one that has the power here to set up healthy boundaries and take a stance with his kids that involves him having a backbone and you not being a doormat.

Its easier for him to blame you for everything instead of looking at his own part in all of this. You are going to have to disengage hun. Seriously. I wouldn't give 2 sh*ts about how my husband feels about my disengagement for the simple fact that he didn't care about your feelings this whole time being treated like a doormat.

Afterall, what is he going to do? leave you? Over his adult children? YEAH RIGHT! If he wants to allow them to manipulate him than that's solely on him, you don't have to buy into that.

sandye21's picture

I agree - don't announce your disengagement, just do it. Also wondering why he tells you the skids are sorry - why can't they speak for themselves? If he gives you the B.S. about not liking his kids tell him you don't like them and it is obvious they don't like you. I did and it was VERY liberating. No more games.

sammigirl's picture

I was also wondering why skids didn't say sorry to you, instead of going thru their Dad.

My SD will never say she is sorry, but DH doesn't do it for her either.

Ava64's picture

You're right Stepaside, I talked too much about it which made it open to discussion.

In hindsight, I would have started our marriage with the idea that I do not try and point out to him all the manipulative lies, the attention seeking behaviour, the marriage splitting behaviour and the disrespectful attitude towards both of us. They now give him fathers day cards without dad on, their way of saying they no longer see him as a proper dad now that he isn't giving his wallet and because he is with me (they are 34 and 31 and don't live at home).

But after 6 years of this misery, I can start now and stop their behaviours from affecting me as much as I have. I suppose deep down I was so looking forward to being the perfect family and didn't think for a minute that it wouldn't work out. Now I realise only I can change things as DH just runs after them every time they have a tantrum which encourages them to behave like spoilt brats.

I love him but I also have to love myself and protect myself. Wink Smile

enuf's picture

I got the right post this time! Smile

I am one of those women on this forum where I did not learn to disengage and my dh divorced me to teach me a lesson regarding his ds. What is funny now that I am divorced guess what, I could care less about ss. Why could I have not done that sooner? I suffered mightily for not doing so. My health and emotional state were severely compromised and it sounds that you are there or very close to it. Think about it, if you divorce you will not ever think twice about your skids and they will not impact you that way they are doing now. Disengage now! Let your DH deal with them. If your dh does not want to understand you. Start making excuses for not being around when they are around. If necessary just tell them you have a headache and lock yourself in the bedroom, have a court date, a manicure date, whatever and leave while they are there. Leave the room if he is talking to them. If necessary tell him you have to go to the bathroom. These options are under your control. Separate yourself from them because as I said, if you divorce it is going to happen anyway. Just do it now!
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CANYOUHELP's picture

Good advise....It is easy to see why you did not do it sooner. It is not easy to do. I believe women are nurturers by DNA and throwing in the towel; well, it does not come naturally. Even when you do it--it is not easy to do. But, in some cases, like mine; unfortunately, it is the only thing to do.

Quite honestly, you are in the best position, of all. You can start over and be more selective now--if that is what you desire. In retrospect, had I known, you can bet I would have never gone down this path. Everybody tries harder initially, they put on their best face-- but then reality sets in and initial picture was a delusion.

You are right, if I stayed around them, (with him as freaky as he acts), that would be the end of us too.

Ava64's picture

Exactly how I feel. I am a nurturer, caring person (a nurse) and I try and fix things! But now I have to fix myself by distancing myself from poisonous situations.
My DH is oblivious most of the times to the subtleties of SD behaviours cos she is sneeky. She could get an oscar for her acting scenes.

She once apologised to me, 3 months after we were married and then texted him to say "hope you're happy now I did the tokensistic apology to her!!!!"

Time to set some boundaries even though it will be hard at first, it is for a better future. x

still learning's picture

I can relate and say an "AMEN" to almost all of the above posts! I'm a wimp because I got burned out after just 2 years of the drama coming from mainly 1 adult skid. It all came to a head after my father died, I went to counseling because I felt overwhelmed by my own grief, bio family implosion and relentless emotional/verbal abuse from ss31. With the help of my counselor I went Trump and built a wall to keep ss31 and crazy family out while I was in mourning. After that I quietly disengaged from ss31. No more fighting about DH needing to "protect" an adult man from me, no more discussions about poor almost homeless SS, he no longer rented space in my head and DH got to fully deal with HIS creation.

SS31 continued to visit but I made myself scare and often had some urgent errand that needed to get done. StepAside is right, the ss's didn't want a SM. They were getting a great deal with 2 guilty parents who were shelling out extortion money and extending their childhoods by opening their homes as flop pads. I came in and threw a wrench into everyone's plans.

Disengagement has been a challenge at times and often I want to jump right back in and show DH how much I support him by doing things for his spawn and grandspawn. I constantly remind myself how anything I do is not acknowledged, unappreciated and often rejected. I'm done. Over it.

sammigirl's picture

I am also at this stage of my disengagement (7 years). I sometimes, not often, feel bad for DH's treatment from his kids. But I remind myself it would go right back to what was going on before my disengagement.

Grown Skids tend to not call or put any effort into contact with DH. I know this is not because of myself, because they have always been this way. Before my disengagement, I kept their contact much more often with holiday dinners, BBQ's, campouts, you name it. When I disengaged from SD56, over the past 7 years, she has put an effort into keeping her brothers, grandkids, other family members away from DH. I guess she thinks she is punishing me; she is actually hurting her Dad.

Of course it's all my fault for marrying DH 36 years ago. All of the good times never existed.

enuf's picture

It is so sad all the way around. Moreover, it is something that is carried on through life. Although we let go, the feeling of loss never goes away. My heart aches and I go through my thoughts to see what I could have done differently. Now I realize that I was fighting a losing battle from the onset. The issue was really between ex and his ss, I was just the scapegoat. I wish I had just step back and let the pieces fall where they may instead of trying to fix the situation. I was so idealistic never realizing that it was something that could not be fixed. It was just a sick situation and I was absorbed into it.

CANYOUHELP's picture

I agree, in the beginning stages of this I thought they really cared for me and I did them, as well. I was excited to have additional family members, as I do not have a large family. But, the fact they never sent one card, etc., after we were married should have told me something. Still, I did not pick up on this--until things became more and more obvious. The noticeable point was was as soon as we bought a house together. For the first year he lived in my house and we got along wonderfully, or at least I thought. As soon as we bought a joint house, everything changed and serious insulting and manipulation ensued. By the third year in this house, they were insulting me to my face in my house, writing how much they dreaded coming to my house at Christmas on FB and my daughter sharing it with us in disbelief herself, insulting my daughter who apparently couldn't babysit correctly for one of them (and I only allowed her to go to be nice).This list goes on and on and on....and, gets more egregious. But, I will not bore you here....It is Saturday!

They have ran so many others of in his life, they still believe they can do the same with me. Another wrote on FB, "you can be smart and doomed all the same.," regarding me and then told my husband that was the name of a book she was reading! I am certain he did not believe her, but still acted like he did to me--to minimize my reaction.

But, staying away reduces their ability to put me in yet another compromising position--they seriously hate me not around. Husband will never admit how horrible they are, but he gets the picture, but he is a super doormat to all. They will never give up trying, so it is me that has....no more misery. I feel so much better taking back control of my own life. I have blocked all forms of communication with them as texting doesn't even work out positively.

It is hopeless and I have finally accepted it, so the recovery is all in my hands now and how effectively I stick to my disengagement.

sammigirl's picture

I could not have expressed this more accurately then you did. "you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink". This is what it comes down to and we must move forward.

Sticking to disengagement is like setting goals and sticking to your long term goals. I am determined also. Thank you for refreshing the bottom line.

enuf's picture

Yes, good for you! It hurts because your dh is putting their emotional needs first at your expense. Pretending not to notice really demeans your feelings and really is a form of gaslighting and it is very passive aggressive. They figure if they close their eyes and pretend not to listen the abuse is not happening, and for what, so skids can boost up their egos. What a sacrifice dh is making, his life and his marriage. He just does not get the impact this is having and you are right only you can stop the madness. Just pull away from the situation. Stay away from stepkids until you feel balanced. When I went away from my dh and ss my nerves just settled without any effort on my part. It is amazing what an environment of cruel people do to you and guess what it is not necessary. Give yourself permission to focus on your needs first. Your soul deserves it and you need to heal.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Hi Enuf,

So true, I used to get sick to my stomach a week before for whatever occasion I was be be with them. I was close to having a panic attack and even took a nerve pill in the car on the way. (Kept another one-half in my pocket--just in case it went over 4 hours). No other time have I ever felt that way!

Yes, he sits there saying absolutely nothing, not replying to insults about him, me, my/our daughter and/or our possessions...I am not sitting there with him/them to witness that sick interaction again. I am tired of being their target. They know he will say nothing back, that is why it has continued and escalated throughout the years.

It is not just me, he has given up bio children and a wife before me--as they treated all of them the same way.

Nerves do crazy things, but the nerve pill gave me the courage to answer back at the last birthday bash--for the first time. I didn't miss a rude comment either; wish I had recorded it. I was fed up and ready for them for a change. It was the first time I stood up for my husband and myself, and then I thought--how ridiculous and juvenile this whole mess was...I am done, even done with him, if I have to go back.

I am glad you found some peace too. I finally learned (and admittedly I was a slow learner on this one), that I can still be very much present with them and completely, fully excluded. I am around to insult, other than that I am invisible. So why go around this any more? "I" have to break this insane, childish cycle.

I learned on this site there are other men who are cowardly like him,and the wives with any peace do have to pull back as you stated.

Thank you for your kind words, affirmation and guidance. This site and posters like you, opened my eyes and helped me know I was on the right track.

Enjoy your weekend!