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My husband treats my son differently

Pam012's picture

Hi I'm new here. I am looking for advice as I don't speak about this to people. My husband of 9 years has never really excepted my son ( from a previous relationships) who is now 13. We have two children together and he also has a son age 11. There is so much to tell, I want to know if this is common? Or is my husband just a bully and I need to leave my marriage. I'm not sure how much more I can take. Advise needed please or similar circumstances shared please

BethAnne's picture

It is normal for a step parent to feel differently about thier step child as they do about thier biological child. Some choose and are able to treat both the same. Others choose to or are not able to treat both sets of children the same. Treating the children differently is not in itself bullying and can be done in a respectful and often loving way.

If however you truly feel that your husband is bullying your son then of course that is not acceptable and needs addressing.

Pam012's picture

It started when he was 4. Our first day in our own home together. My husband came home from work and kicked my sons shoes across the floor turned off children's TV program he was watching. I thought something awful had happened at work but no.. My son is not fat but always a little cuddly looking, husband has an issue with this always saying he has to lose weight.. Still does it now and he's 13. I can't buy sweets, take him to get a burger etc .

Pam012's picture

I adore his son. We have a great relationship. His son knows what his dad is like and doesn't really enjoy staying with us much anymore. Examples of bullying...
Very rarely is my son allowed treats sweets. When my son goes to his dad's our two kids are spoilt.
I gave kids an ice cream once and they took into garden. My husband came in and shouting at me for doing so. Said to me my sons a fat C word!
If he finds a used tissue or a piece of rubbish in his room he will go mad at him! Or punish him buy not allowing him to watch to that night
Makes my son go out after school for a walk on his own to be active
Has made him use running machine since he was 7 as he thinks he needs to lose weight if my son didn't he will punish by not allowing TV or Xbox that night
Watches my son eat at dinner time and accuses him of eating too fast
Friends don't come round for sleep overs as my husband will be so moody all night and create atmosphere
There's so much but we can't just relax in our home he's always onto him bout something

Monchichi's picture

Is your son obese? Despite that I think you already know the answer if you're objective enough. This is not a life for a child, with or without weight problems. Shaming the kid will only make it worse.

Pam012's picture

he is over weight but not obese. He is 13 and 5ft tall. He's only a stone over weight. He's started going out with friends and the weight is slowly going down as he's getting older. My husband has an issue not my son and I'm not just saying that cause he's my son his weight really isn't an issue at all. My husband will find everything to pick at when it comes to my son

Pam012's picture

Really am so mentally exhausted. And my poor son. His attitude toward me is bad which I prob do deserve. I never have money in my purse as my husband is pretty controlling over that. Don't get me wrong I use my bank card at the shop for bits and bobs but if I were to want to buy a new top I'd have to ask first. It's always been that way gradually taking away my freedom. He's obsessed with house work too! I could clean all day and he'd get in and say " what is it you do all day? Never tells me I look nice, never cuddles or is affectionate. I used to randomly cuddle him in the kitchen for instance and he's stand there with his arms at his side while I hugged him. Heydays that's just the way he is. The only time he's affectionate is when he "wants something!" Recently I have just not wanted to do that with him and that's not going down well at all. He'll get the hump, ask what my problem is and say I'm a granny

Disneyfan's picture

Your son is going to hate you. You have allowed your son to be treated like crap for 9 years. Where is his father? I'm wondering why your ex hasn't given you and your husband pure hell for the way that child is being treated.

Pam012's picture

I just want advice and wanted to see if anyone else is going through similar situations, there are good times and not always bad. He just makes life really difficult a lot of time. Such a shame cause everything would be great if he would let it

Willow2010's picture

I just want advice and wanted to see if anyone else is going through similar situations
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Sorry but you won’t find many women that are going through this situation. They won’t let people treat their kids the way your DH treats your kid. You know the answer to this question. And your son deserves better than what you have given him. 9 year of abuse. Oh boy.

Is his bio dad around? If you don’t divorce this asshole then please let your son go live with his dad so your husband does not destroy your son even more.

Pam012's picture

Although your comments are harsh.... This really is helping. " I cannot let my fear for the future rule my present" that hit me cause I actually do. And for the first time in months my son has just come up to me an cuddled me!!!!! Where did that come from???? I'm so lucky to have three beautiful children and " a person" is stopping us from living our lives... I've never spoke out like this before in 9 years

Pam012's picture

Is my situation really abusive? I should of got out years ago! There's so many other little things ... The time I gave my son more ketchup and husband almost left me over it... The time I went to his mums for lunch and she did a bloody buffet lol. Told my husband it was just a light lunch cause I knew he'd kick off if I said it was big! Then he found out and rang me and said in an angry voice down phone " I don't like being lied to!" Went to my mums a couple days ago for only two nights... Husband texts and says " your quiet" are you sure your at your mums????? I'm sorry to off load all this but I've kept it all bottled up so long

Is_What_It_Is's picture

Yes, your situation is abusive. An abusive relationship does not always show physical bruises.

My ex was an abuser and it took me a while to see it. He was controlling, manipulative, condescending - that results in emotional and mental abuse. It has taken me YEARS to undo all the stinking-thinking that he had me believing. I still have some issues with self-esteem that stems back to the time I was with him - I left him 13 years ago and have never looked back.

Pam012's picture

What will I do? Where will I go? Could I survive? My confidence is zero!!!! I don't work as little man is two. As soon s I can I want to return to work! Don't want to live with mum as I'll go mad lol! How can I save up to move??? I have nothing ... He checks my bank every few days to see what's in there. He says it's cause he wants to know we have funds ready to pay bills etc. I get that but he also sees what I spent and where.... I literally spend around £10 per week on bits and bobs... Top up on milk, bread, ham, normal stuff.

Monchichi's picture

Go to a woman's shelter. Just pack up, draw your money out your account all on the same day and leave with your child.

Pam012's picture

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Pam012's picture

Every single person who has commented on this I thank you!! I'd love to put my pic on here but self esteem is sooooo low. Ugly useless bitch who deserves Shit. Plus it's now hitting home how I've stuck here with my kids and put them through this hell bless them I love them so much. Sally.... DH = dick head I loved that

uofarkchick's picture

I've been where you are. How can I work when I don't even have the money to put gas in the car? How am I going to afford to feed us until government assistance kicks in? What if he finds us? The questions are enough to drive you crazy. So start small. Box up things that are important like birth certificates and sentimental items and store them at your mom's house. Start getting some extra clothes for all of you and hide them at a friend's. Start secretly recording his fits of rage and his abusive outbursts. Store them in a cloud. Start getting cash back when he gives you his card to buy groceries and stick it in a secret account. Keep the gas tank in the car full at all times. Never let it go beneath 3/4 tank. You call a women's domestic violence shelter and get put on their wait list. They will call you when a spot is ready. They will have food, clothes, diapers, and basic necessities for you when you get there. They will help you get a protection order (use those recordings!). Make sure you are clearing your browser history and call logs every few hours. You do not want him to catch wind of anything.
Sweetie, there is life on the other side. And it is so damn beautiful.

Pam012's picture

I have thought about recording his hissy fits but never done it. are you guys fron GB? Xx

Pam012's picture

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Pam012's picture

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Pam012's picture

Just wanted to post an update... I booked a doctors appointment and been referred to a counsellor. I've got all passports , birth certificates and medical papers in one safe place. Small steps forward. Thank you all for comments and your help xx

Rags's picture

This is not unusual at all.

That does not make it right but it is not unusual.

After reading your several responses to questions and hearing how much of an asshole your DH is... take all of your kids, nail this abusive POS to the wall for piles of CS, and have the locks rekeyed putting this POS on the street. Get a good divorce attorney and own his abusive ass.

As a responsible parent you need to limit how much any of your children are exposed to this asshole.

Take care of you.