New here. A little help?
Sorry if I do not know any of the lingo here yet. Just stumbled on this page the other night. I Thought it would be nice to have a place to get things out. Maybe even get some advice here and there. There is a LOT of back story, so I am sorry if you feel like you got thrown into the middle of a storm, but I don't know where to start other than right here and right now.
Lately I feel like I am becoming resentful. I feel like I want to pick fights with my other half. One of the big ones is that I feel like he treats my daughter (4) different than his two kids. The other is that I feel like none of them want her around. For example, my stepson (18) and I were talking, and I said "wow, it is going to be 3 weeks before K get to see you!" Him and Stepdaughter (16) are both like "well... we have been seeing a lot of her these days. It might be kinda nice." and a ton of little things. Ugh I wish I didn't let it bother me so much. I always hate feeling resentful, or angry because they really are good kids and I know they all lover her. I feel so petty. Should I let it bother me or am I just biased????
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You gave an example of the
You gave an example of the two teens, but nothing on your SO (significant other).
How does he treat your daughter that you feel is different and/or unfair?
The example you gave makes it
The example you gave makes it sound like you are over-reacting. What teenager doesn't want a getaway from their little kid sister. My SS is four and he's with me 24/7 (then away 27/7) during the Summer and I can tell you there are times when I'm glad it's pick up day and I don't have to answer a hundred "why's." During the school year he lives with us primarily and visits BM on the weekends so I spend a lot of time with him, he acts like me, talks like me and I've been with him for as long as he can remember so I do understand your tenderness towards your own four year old but even you have to admit the teens have a point--it would be nice for a break.
Teens don't want to be around
Teens don't want to be around a "little kid" all the time. It's normal. Even if they were full siblings they wouldn't want to be around your kid all the time. Why would they? What do an 18yo and a 4yo have in common??
Your daughter is 4 and your
Your daughter is 4 and your step kids are teenagers. As long as they are not being mean to her, you are ahead of the game, I'm not sure what more you expect.
As far as your other half, how is he treating her different than his own? Again, your daughter is 4 and his kids are teenagers, they are going to be treated differently and plus, she is not his.
Is your daughter also his
Is your daughter also his daughter? Or is she his step-daughter?
If she's his SD, you simply can't expect him to have the same kinds of feelings for her as he has for his own kids. He may love her a lot...or he may grow to love her over time and think of her like a daughter, but you shouldn't feel entitled to fatherly love toward a kid that's not his, especially not right away. As long as he's polite / kind to her and there's no sort of mistreatment going on, it's fine. If she is also his daughter, then you need to have a frank discussion with him. We see a lot of stuff on this board where first family children get treated better and get more financial support from their father than the new couple's children. That isn't right and needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP if that's what's going on.
As for the teens being brats...just let it go.
Your teen skids don't want to
Your teen skids don't want to spend all the time in the world with your 4 year old? Um, that's NORMAL. If she were their sister, not their step sister they STILL wouldn't want to be around her much! I'd be wondering wtf was wrong with them if they wanted to spend all their time with a 4 year old.
Alright, lets see if I can
Alright, lets see if I can get all the questions answered here. I guess a couple of the bigger things that my SO does to make me feel he treats her different, is one, his kids could get away with almost any attitude they want. The 18yo always has something snarky or disrespectful to say to me, will "pick" on me about anything he can, does the bare minimum around the house etc. The 16yo is usually a really well mannered kid. Every now and again she will join in with her brother. I kind of write it off because they are teenagers and I get that. If my 4yo wakes up crabby, gets a little whiny (usually after no nap), or gives anyone a "face", my SO and SK's jump on her faster than I can even blink. I would like to think that they could take into consideration that she is only 4 (like i take into consideration that his kids are teenagers) and know that that will be normal for a 3 or 4 year old to do. SO can't seem to remember when his kids were that little (he admits all the time that he cant remember that age at all.) The other bigger one is that his kids get ANYTHING they ask for and then some. Which is awesome. I love that he wants to give his kids the world. I feel that he would love to give 4yo the world too, but only on his terms. Not hers, and not mine. I get that we have an old farm house. There isn't a ton of space. But he despises anything I get for 4yo. He doesn't like plastic toys like play kitchens, doll houses, etc. We don't have a swing set because it "wouldn't fit in", no toys on the main floor period. But when SO runs into something that he thinks one of his kids would like, size doesn't matter etc. He also frowns upon me stopping what I'm doing to take time to sit down and play with 4yo. Says his kids just did what he was doing (yard work or whatever) or went and played by themselves. I don't believe that 100% but ok. When his kids went to "play by themselves" they really went to play with each other. She has no one. I totally get that she is no SO's kid and things will be different. But that shouldn't mean that as her mom, I have to raise her different. Ok they won't bond like her and i do, and he may not get excited every time she learns something new, but that shouldn't have to affect the way her and I interact.
As far as SK's wanting to be away from 4yo, I would understand that if they were always around her. We have SK's Tues 4-7, All day Wednesdays (only in summer) and every other weekend. 4yo is at her dads on Tuesdays so they don't see her then. For the first 2.5 years, my mom would watch 4yo on the weekends we had SK's and had plans. We dirt bike, snowmobile, hunt, water ski, etc. Well the time has come where we can start including her in on a lot of these things. So now she comes with on some of those weekends. So really what I am saying, is that on average they see her 2-8 days a month. Is that really that bad? I would like to think that she at least deserves to have a home that she feels welcome in. They are definitely not "around her all the time."
What does any of this say about how I am raising my daughter? She has great manners. Even the SK's make fun of each other because they never had those manners. What do you mean by bothering? Making noise? Asking questions? What? I pay attention to my daughter. She shouldn't have to be dead silent because she is mine either. She shouldn't have to be a statue because they are not my kids. She shouldn't be bothered because they are there, if they shouldn't be bothered because she is.
It sounds like your SO is
It sounds like your SO is impatient and a little selfish. Perhaps he shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who has a toddler (or a child, at all, for that matter). It's not fair for your little one to be treated badly.
He despises anything you buy for your child or that you spend time playing with her? Sorry, but I couldn't be with a man like that. Basically, he despises that you have a child.