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Adult stepchildren and addiction.

Dharmalynn's picture

I have 4 adult stepsons ages 29, 30, 32 and 35. I have been married to their father 7 years. All of them are addicted to drugs or alcohol and one has severe alcoholism. He shows up at family events either drunk or severely hungover and then drama follows. The youngest 29 smokes pot all day every day. The oldest smokes pot every day. They all live paycheck to paycheck with the expectation that Dad will come to the rescue should they not be able to pay their bills or their beater cars break down. One of the 4 actually runs a successful business but he also smokes pot and dabbles in benzos. He likes to gamble also. Big stakes. He's been lucky so far but that won't last. Last year the holidays were completely ruined. Only one has a relationship with me. I've cut ties with the severe alcoholic. His brother is still enabling him. My husband has done so also. Sadly my husband is where they learned it. He has a beer every night and takes Ambien for sleep for over 12 years. He doesn't get drunk but never goes without his nightcap. He's a very kind man but has enabled all 4 boys to the point they are not fully functional adults. There were never any boundaries until I established them. When they visit I require they stay in a hotel as they keep late hours and use drugs. When they visit during the day I am basically excluded while they bond with their Dad which means sitting on the couch blasting violent movies on tv. I'm forced to hide out in my bedroom. I told my husband I'm not participating in holidays anymore but he is free to go spend it with them. My husband accepted this and sad he would do that and not force me to do anything I don't want. Can our marriage survive this or is this the beginning of the end? All 4 stepsons are narcissists to some degree and do not see a problem with their behavior. None have a meaningful relationship with a woman. They do not respect boundaries.

hereiam's picture

My DH would never spend the holidays with a bunch of addicts over me, even if they were his kids.

I think resentment is bound to set in, sooner or later.

Your DH needs to realize that the best thing he can do for his sons, is to stop enabling them and condoning their behavior.

notasm3's picture

My SS30 is an alcoholic (self professed even). I have nothing to do with him. I've seen him twice for a total of less than 15 minutes in the past 3 years. I am civil and courteous when our paths cross - but try to avoid him for the most part.

My DH sees him on a regular basis - but without me. I'm perfectly okay with that. I was out of town last week and DH had him over for dinner. No problem. I didn't check if our liquor cabinet has been deplenished as I honestly don't have a clue what is in there as my DH and I rarely drink any of it.

DH asked if SS could come for Christmas last year, and I said no. He pouted for a few days, but he got over it. We have Christmas at noon so I am dead by evening. DH went to see his son about 9 o'clock. SS either spends the day with his mother or his GF's mother. Works for us.

I do not think your DH having a beer as a nightcap is any excuse for his sons being alcoholic druggies. I quite regularly do so myself although I often go weeks without doing that.

The success of your marriage ultimately relies in great part on your DH's character. Does he have enough of a spine to protect you from these horrid men? Of course he loves his sons - but he should not inflict them on you.

Dharmalynn's picture

Thank you everyone. I am at point where I am opting not to see them. My husband allows the 3 that are not fall down alcoholics to visit during the daytime. All but 1 live 5 hours away thankfully. The alcoholic knows he's not welcome and I have blocked all communication with him. The problem is my husband would always drink with them in the past and bury his head in the sand when all the manipulation and lies were taking place. He won't drink in front of the alcoholic now but the damage was done a long time ago when no rules were set when they most needed them. The younger two have a horrible sense of entitlement. They use the divorce that happened 14 years ago as an excuse for all their behavior . Dad felt guilty and indulged them way too much. He has been very codependent and enabling. The last year he has improved on this but now the oldest brother is enabling the alcoholic. He's regretting it now and wants him out of his apartment. When he got a dui last year his other brother bailed him out and paid his legal fees. More enabling. And so it goes. My husband is actually a very kind person but that is the problem he has let himself be manipulated and lied to. He has also been an amazing stepdad to my children ages 14 and 22. They love him. My kids are well mannered and respectful. No drugs. My daughter is about to apply to Graduate school to get her PHd. My son is starting high school and wants to play football and eventually become a Dr. So you see my dilemma. My husband has very good qualities but he has been to weak when it came to disciplining his sons and now it's too late. The youngest son once told me " you walked in during the middle of a soap opera". A lot of truth in that comment. I love my husband and hate to think of his sons breaking up our marriage.

Merry's picture

As long as your DH respects your boundaries and doesn't try to force you to have a relationship with his kids, then your marriage will not suffer.

My DH has a son who struggles with addiction. He is currently clean and working one, maybe two, jobs. And continuing to stay connected with his recovery program. During the last round of addiction, DH did bail him out financially, we paid his cell phone bill, DH sent him money, etc. I couldn't deal with that, and DH understood and the money stopped, or at least slowed. Now that SS is working, it's not an issue.

There is nothing you can do to make an addict change, so you and your DH take care of each other. As long as that happens, you'll be fine.

Thumper's picture

NOT ANYMORE IN MY HOUSE.

I wouldn't put up with it from my own bio's to start. Thank God my husband and I both loath behaviors like this.

Go get yourself clean and sober for 2 years or more THEN give me a call and depending on your actions THAT will dictate if your invited in my life. I DECIDE not you.

Putting these boundaries around your home, heart and check book is NOT unchristian or what ever religion you may be affiliated with IF at all. But some 'church's' may tell you otherwise that we should NOT judge anyone, and open your house to all.

THAT IS BS by the way.

Merry's picture

I don't really judge my SS, as in I don't judge him as a terrible failure of a person. Addiction is SO complicated: environmental, biological, genetic, who knows. We need WAY more research on causes and treatments. I, and especially his DH, still love him. We just don't allow his behaviors to take us down the rat hole with him.

But that doesn't mean that whatever he does is ok with me. And I do not open my home to addicts who lie, cheat, and steal.

still learning's picture

@ Goodluck, and many of those "christian" churches won't allow a drunk or a homeless person to wander into their church. I went to a function at a church located in a downtown area (whose denomination shall remain unnamed) Where security was placed at the front door to keep the homeless and other riff raff out. Can't have them sullying the Lord's bathroom now can we.

You can't judge or have boundaries unless you're actually at a church }:)

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Addiction is a family disease. You married an addict whose kids are also addicts. I wonder what lies in your own past that drew you towards this man?

I suggest you join Al Anon, and learn everything you can about addiction, codependancy,and enabling. Draw clear boundaries with your DH, and hold to them. Getting yourself and your DH some counselling with an addiction specialist would be great, too. You don't have to associate with his kids or allow them in your home, especially with minors present.

The road ahead is bound to be bumpy, with heartache and drama. That care of yourself, and always have an exit strategy.

Dharmalynn's picture

I have been to Alanon and my husband has gone with me too. He goes from being strong for a while to getting weak. He wants to believe the lies his son tells him. It's hard when it's your bio child and you have guilt because of a bad divorce. Not an excuse by any means. My kids have been through a divorce and don't behave this way. They are amazing kids and even my husband their step dad agrees. They get along amazingly well. There has been way too much drama in the past and I'm done with it. If it's brought into our home again I'm out. My husband knows this. When the youngest two were still living in our home I told my husband either they go or I do. They both moved out and have not been home since. It's been 2 years. They are 29 and 30 now. The 30 year old got a Dui last November and is on probation now. No drivers license.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Yes, this is a hopeless situation, and as much as you try, it never improves. You cannot win, so disengage; it is a waste of energy and emotion. You can only change yourself and it is time for you --to protect you. Being disrespected in your own home, is a clear indicator -- you need to disengage.

Dharmalynn's picture

Thanks for all the replies and good advice. I've talked to my therapist about all of it and she thinks as long as my husband agrees we can keep our relationship separate from his relationship with his sons. My boundaries need to be respected and protected. My husband is planning a trip to see his mother in another state in Oct and I heard him inviting all the boys, so when he asked me I said nope I'm in the drama free zone, but I support you going on the trip. I also have told him that I am not doing family holidays as that's always a reason for drug and alcohol use and more drama. I'm so done with it. He says he accepts my decisions and will travel without me when it involves his sons. So that's where we stand. I'm not sure if it can work or not, but I'm willing to try.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Congratulations, you have taken back control over your own life...You will be much happier now. It is not easy all the time, but it is much easier than what you did in the past.

dadsnewwife's picture

Your situation sounds almost worse than mine! I, too, married a man 5 years ago with 3 adult addict sons. The oldest, SS34, is mentally ill and a non-rehabilitative alcoholic and drug user. His problems started at age 12 and escalated from there. SS33 suffered PTSD and was a pathological liar and drug user for 6 years. The youngest, SS23, started his drug journey at age 17. Their mother is mentally ill like the oldest which is why my dh divorced her in 1997 and was awarded full custody of his sons. Dh also is an alcoholic who no longer drinks as, due to chronic pain, he, too takes Ambien to sleep and had 2 incidents when he did drink...which almost ended our marriage. I told him heeither quit drinking or I was gone. He quit.

If I had it to do over, I wouldn't have married my dh knowing what I know now. Dealing with SS23 the last 6 years...rehab...living with us...I almost moved out due to dh's enabling...buying his son groceries when he fell short...giving him rides to work (he totaled the car dh had given him in high school when he was high). I had fallen in love with a man who I saw make hard decisions in regards to his kids and then watching him enable his youngest (who was living with us) was too much for me.

My dh also has totally disengaged from his oldest and only allows him to come to our house on Christmas day for a few hours. SS33 is doing well thanks to the VA...is on partial military disability for PTSD and working, however, his past cost him his marriage. SS23 ended up back in rehab in March, and, without discussing it with me, dh let him live back with us as long as he attended AA meetings regularly, got a part-time job and took a trade program at our local community college so he can get a job which will actually support him decently. Yes...it has cost us...we bought him a used car and have paid for everything, but I am happy to say, he's done everything we expected finally. I honestly never thought I'd see the day and had disengaged from him 2 years ago. Dh would meet with him outside our home and never asked me to go with him. When it comes to addicts, I have little patience or respect. Dh didn't like my disengaging and would say every now and then, "You hate my son." I don't hate him...I hated what he was doing and refused to be around him.

As for holidays, I, too, prefer not to hang around dh and his sons. SS33 also has an 8 year old son as well so, after raising 4 girls of my own, I am anything but comfortable around dh's sons...all whom have done things that are unimaginable to me. My 4 daughters are college graduates and all but one lives in other states. A blended family we are not. Even when our kids HAVE been together, dh's sons have disappeared to the basement...embarrassed at what they've done. My kids prefer their father's home where they can enjoy a cocktail at he holidays. That will never happen at my house and yes...I resent it. Like your 4 stepsons, none of mine have girlfriends or wives and their mother lives out of state, so dh is all they have. The co-dependency I've seen between him and his sons is sickening. I just want them to go get their own lives as mine did and just come to visit, not live with us! I already look forward to next summer when SS23 should be done with school and move out. The damage he did to our marriage is going to take years to get over.

I commend you for disengaging and setting boundaries. You have to in order to stay sane and keep your marriage intact. As I said, if I had it to do over, I would never have married into this mentally ill family. Luckily, in my case, things do seem to be improving.

Thanks for posting, Dharma. I didn't think there was anyone else like me.