Disengaged from SD but seem to always get put on the spot

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So I have been slowly but surely disengaging from SD26 for about a year now. She was a mini wife when I came on the scene about 4 years ago. DH and I worked through a lot of issues surrounding her, we managed to get her into her own place approx. 18 months ago. As my DH said early in our relationship "we are going to have to give her a push". I was very fortunate that DH whilst he loves her very much, was not blinded to her faults.

DH was not initially aware of my disengagement but a few months ago I filled him in when she was blatantly rude to me . He is absolutely aware where I stand right now which is:
1. I will not be inviting her to our home, cooking her dinners or doing any entertaining of any sorts for her or her boyfriend.
2. I will not be attending social events with her (she has often set things up so she can come to social events like sports games and concerts with us).
3. I encourage him to continue having a relationship with his daughter on his own, I do not need to be involved.

Most of time this works well, however SD has a way of putting herself in my space, she arranges with SS25 to come watch sports games with him at our home, often these are when we are entertaining, she knows friends of ours and invites herself along to concerts and shows that we are going to with them. As these friends are not aware of my disengagement I suppose they have no idea of the dynamics this causes, I think 4 of us are going to such and such and then find out SD26 is also coming :sick:

How do I stop this !

This would bug the heck out

This would bug the heck out of me. Why is SS still living with you? Maybe tell SS when you are entertaining friends he go visit his sister. Let it be known to SD if you are entertaining your friends she is not welcome to come over and crash it.

SS has not "launched" yet as

SS has not "launched" yet as he was studying for a long time, think he would have continued being a full student if he'd had his way. We pushed him into work about 12 months ago but it is low paid. We do have a plan and regularly talk with him about getting his own place, currently he has been told he has 12 months to get this sorted.

I agree we need to talk with him and set some boundaries around when we are entertaining at home. His sister does not have cable for all the live sports hence why she comes to our place and watches it with her brother

There are three ways to

There are three ways to handle this.

Your DH can sit his kid down and have a little meeting. Explain he prefers to keep his adult social life separate from his time with his kids. Unless she is specifically invited by him, she must stop inviting herself along to his social gatherings.

Side note: This will not be possible when she shows up with her brother. You're not going to get around that one.

Or when you set up an event with your friends, explain to your friends you're looking forward to an evening with only the four of you. Tell them you and your H are trying to encourage your SD to create her own social circle.

Or you make new friends with whom she has no connection and start spending time with them so you have SD free evenings.

Honestly, she sounds as though she has some serious social insecurities that need to be addressed. She may not be able to make her own friends. Which is why she's attaching herself to family and family friends.

Some very sensible advice

Some very sensible advice here Shaman thank you. I have been loathe to talk to friends about SD but I just may have to.I like your suggestion " Tell them you and your H are trying to encourage your SD to create her own social circle"..that is excellent

I don't ever invite SD to our

I don't ever invite SD to our home, SS lives with us and she arranges it with him. I absolutely agree they both should be hanging with their friends, how we are going to make this a reality is the issue.

She doesn't talk to me, but

She doesn't talk to me, but recently she manages hi and bye. I think she only does that because DH has pulled her up on it when she hasn't !

Yes SS lives with us and they

Yes SS lives with us and they organise it together, we often have friends over for a dinner party and to watch a game, DH and I are very social and do a lot of entertaining at home. So the issue for me is, they shouldn't be there all the time enjoying our gourmet cooked dinners, our alcohol, our friends, they should be out with their own friends..extremely frustrating.

I also did all of your 3 step

I also did all of your 3 step disengagement, when I decided I wanted to get SD56 and SGD31 (Mom/daughter) out of my life. They are miserable toxic women and make every social event a gossip/attack event.

Every time I turned around SD was inviting herself into our home at meal time and then telling SIL (her DH) to stop by also, when he got off work. Our relationship had gotten so uncomfortable, I finally told DH to tell SD and SGD that they were allowed to stop in to see and visit DH anytime, "as long as I was not home". I told DH, I didn't want to put him in the middle, but I felt it would come better from him; I'm guessing he did so, SD, nor any of her immediate family, come to our home while I'm home. I am away for a few days, each month, to spend time with my family in the neighboring State. So this situation should work with not further problem; I don't care how much time DH spends with his grown kids and grandkids, as long as I don't have to be pressured to participate.

Another time, when DH's family visited, from far away, last Fall, SD still invited herself and family to dinner, "so they could visit". SD lives less than one block away. I told SD, face to face, "no need to come for dinner, I'm not cooking anything you would like", which was true. They still showed up, SD wouldn't eat. Now this is extremely rude and abrasive in my social book. Doubt I will have to worry about that happening again; SD knows she is not allowed in our home, when I am home.

I think being honest with your SD and SS, face to face, is the best way to handle your situation (no social media). Take it one occasion at a time, stay civil; just tell SD and SS, "please do not invite yourself, or anyone else, into our home, we will do the inviting, when we entertain. Thank you for respecting my wishes." Take the opportunity to say it in front of your DH.

With that said, if your DH doesn't want to help out here, I would not put him in the middle. Putting him in the middle, against his wishes, will make it tough for your marriage; I know I did that before and it didn't work. Fathers hate being the bad buy to their kids, as we all know. On the other hand, telling them in front of your DH solves all the blaming; this is how I handle it now.

My DH surprised me, when he finally stepped in and let my SD know that she was no longer welcome around me. One other caution; always be honest with SD, with someone present. Example; when I told SD not to come to dinner, DH was sitting right there. DH never said a word (caught him off guard), but it let him off the hook, and SD knew where she stood, when I called her bluff in front of her Dad. My SD has a habit of twisting what is said, so I never say anything, unless there is a trusted witness.

You do not have to be disrespected, especially in your own home. I would set some boundaries and stick to them; not easy.