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How do I address this?

loveandfitness's picture

I've already had a discussion with DH about how I do not want SS11 in our bedroom.
He's a hormonal, curious 11 yo. Not only do I usually have some clothes and underwear around sometimes along with other personal items... but it's MY space.
He's like a stranger every time he comes. Keeps to himself, and RARELY speaks to me unless told to by DH. I barely know him, AND I DON'T TRUST HIM. He steals and lies as often as he breathes.

This is the second time this week that I have come home and as I walk through the door DH is rushing SS out of my bedroom where he has been watching tv... laying on my bed and probably unwashed.
So I walked in today and as he ushered him out of the room, DH looked at me and almost daring me to say something about it and say's "How was your morning?" "Fine". "Are you mad at me?" "I've already told you I don't want him in our room." "Well what am I supposed to do?! DS5 was on the game station and theres only one remote."
Because that's a good excuse in his mind?? I got the feeling that he intended for him to be out before I got home so I wouldn't even know, because he rushed him out pretty quickly.

So... how do I address this a second time to get it through to him that IT IS NOT OKAY with me that he is in my bedroom.

EDIT: DH just blew up at me over it. He said I "can't pull this personal space crap on him" because he has no personal space either because we have a dog and a cat who sleep in the room at night. He also told me I'm only being biased cuz I "have something against SS". He got redfaced and stormed away. Not that he can storm far, we live in a tiny apartment. He's right, we have no "personal space"... EXCEPT OUR BEDROOM.

Comments

Icansorelate's picture

so SS is laying on the bed where you have sex? Simple no more sex in the bed you share with SS.

CricketinTexas's picture

Get a lock and lock the bedroom door when you leave and don't give your DH a key.

notsobad's picture

Buy a big dildo, butt plug and lube.
Leave them on the bed, in front of the TV or with the remote. }:) }:)

loveandfitness's picture

Both, when SS is here. However, I've never had to address the issue before because DS5 never tries to come in anyway unless everyone is in bed and he needs something.

thinkthrice's picture

Classic Disneyfan Line (TM)

**the implication that only skid is being discriminated against.

How silly.

Disneyfan's picture

How dare I think there may be a set of rules for one kid but not the other. We all know that NEVER occurs in step situations. :sick: :sick:

TwoOfUs's picture

lol.

It's not that you think it or suggest it occasionally. EVERY time a SM has a problem with a skid, you automatically assume that the problem is likely her or her kid. I've never seen you "think" that it could anything else. So you sarcastically say that we all know inequality "NEVER occurs in step situations" while essentially arguing that it ALWAYS does. Don't you see how one-sided and hypocritical that is?

Disneyfan's picture

Really???

You have NEVER read a post by me blaming the fathers? I NEVER point out that the husband is the problem in a situation.???? I NEVER encourage SMs to speak up, to put rude/disrespectful kids and crazy BMs in their place.???? I NEVER encourage SMs to stand up to and walk away from husbands/SOs who abuse, disrespect and treat them like garbage.????

OK

TwoOfUs's picture

Very rarely.

I have read you tell SM's whose kids threatened, punched, screamed at, or otherwise hurt her bios (or pets) that her bios probably "provoked" it or lied about it...on multiple occasions. So, apparently skids aren't capable of lying, manipulating, or being mean. Only bios are.

TwoOfUs's picture

I'm not saying it's always the skids. When have I said that? And I'm not talking about occasions when SMs are complaining about things that are clearly just normal kid behavior, which I do agree happens here. Though, again, I don't tend to jump down their throats about it, because even normal kid behavior can be quite aggravating when they aren't your kids.

What I'm talking about is posts like this one. Where a SM writes about a problem, about her boundaries being crossed, and the response is...you probably have double standards. It's just assumed. I don't see how that's helpful.

Disneyfan's picture

When have I said that?? :?

I have told SMs to have their kids fight back. I have told SMs to check SKs that are disrespectful to them or hurt their kids.

I have disagreed with those who told SMs to take the passive-aggressive approach when dealing with SKs or to only check them when dad isn't around. I think SKs and dads need to know that you are not afraid to call them on their crap.

I have called out awful SKs and awful bios. Bad kids come in all forms. I have never beleven one is better behaved than the other.

ALL kids do dumb shit from time to time. I have said countless times here, that many of the things posted about seem like normal kid stuff.

ESMOD's picture

Parental Bedroom is not where kids (step or otherwise) should be entertaining themselves.

The solution is to buy a 2nd TV for the kid's room or kitchen, or somewhere else in the apartment where the kid can watch TV if the other child is gaming on the other set.

Believe me TV's are pretty reasonable these days and you can get a decent size one for under 200 dollars.

BTW, pets aren't "people" and their presence doesn't normally convey an invasion of privacy. Tell your DH that in a small apartment, that it makes it even MORE important for your bedroom to be sacred adult ground. As long as you are consistent with treatment of both kids, I don't see a problem.

kathc's picture

As long as you're not letting your BS jump into your bed but telling him his kid can't come in there, it's fair and it's normal. Children shouldn't be in their parents beds. Your DH is an idiot if he thinks it's OK for his son to be sneaking into your room and trying to do it behind your back.

moeilijk's picture

He can't have any personal space because he shares his home with a dog, a cat, his wife, and his two children. And since you aren't related to one of the children, both you and that child need to have space. That's why SS has his room and you have... oh, wait.

Ugh. I guess you can just try talking to him, but he seems intent on making this a powerplay with you rather than setting a boundary for SS. Like... why not bring BS into your room instead if the remote was really such an issue? Since you don't want either kid in your room, but if the situation is so desperate I'm guessing BS being in there is less confrontational for you.

kathc's picture

I like this idea but go one further...tell him his son and he can share the bedroom and you take over his son's bedroom.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

I am not sure what is the bigger problem: that he lets your kid in your room or that he sneaks around behind your back to do it. That is sending the wrong message to SS. He is teaching him that it is okay to do something against the rules as long as you don't get caught. And, he is undermining you in front of him as well.

I agree that no kids in the bedroom is a good rule. Does the kid have to watch TV when his brother is playing on the console? Doesn't he have toys or games to play with? The two kids need to share the TV so they both get time. When one is on the TV, the other should be playing. It is not an excuse to have him in your room, laying in your bed. I'd address this again with DH. He wasn't mad that you don't want SS in the bedroom. He is mad that he got caught sneaking behind your back.

thinkthrice's picture

H IS the problem. He 's a classic disney/guilty daddy by pulling the patented "You hate my kid" line. He'd rather tell you "no" than his kid "no."

He is showing his kid that daddykins is the "good guy" and SM is the classic "meanie" and if it were "just you and me buddy, then I would be your BFF and not your parent; which eeeeeeeeeeevil SM is forcing me to be." (TM)

twoviewpoints's picture

So it's the stupid TV in your bedroom that causes DH and SS to flip you off?

""I've already told you I don't want him in our room." "Well what am I supposed to do?! DS5 was on the game station and theres only one remote."
Because that's a good excuse in his mind?? I got the feeling that he intended for him to be out before I got home so I wouldn't even know, because he rushed him out pretty quickly."

I don't know how much longer you have for SS's visitation, but insist Dad go this morning and buy a second remote. He's then to go to the TV section and buy a small television (even if he has to set it up on floor in corner of LR). If truly no space for TV (which can be removed and stored when kid not there) than he buys a portable DVC player and goes to library and checks out half a dozen movies for viewing.

I don't care if Dad has to sit it all up under the kitchen/dining table with a frick'in king size blanket over the table to make the kid a cave aka personal space... whatever it takes get and keep SS out of your bedroom happens and happens now.

Of course any cost comes out of Dad's personal pocket.

On eggshells's picture

His comment about the pets is ridiculous. Like a dog and a cat have anything to "say" about your undies or get some kind of thrill out of seeing them. How LAME is that???

Also, I agree with "completelypuzzled" above. He IS showing this kid that it's ok to break rules, as long as you don't get caught.

I would be staking out some other space to call my own in the house if he has no respect for the space you two share. He can share a room with his son, then, if it's that important to him to have him in that room.

notasm3's picture

That manboy (your lying ass DH) needs his ass kicked with pointy toed boots.

Who wants a male old enough to get a hard on IN YOUR BED?

I'd go bat guano crazy on BOTH their asses. More for the LIES than even for the bed violation.

Your DH has proven to you that he will lie about who is in bed with him. This time it's his son. Next time - who knows???

iluvcheese's picture

Get a lock. Use it. Doesn't your man understand you're uncomfortable in your HOME & there is something he can do about it? In a step parenting situation, it is VERY important for you to have a space that is safe & private. In an apartment, having a room all to yourself probably isn't likely. The bedroom becomes the most likely space. Your guy needs to understand how uncomfortable it is to have other people's children in your bed & room. How would he feel if his sons friends came over & we're all snuggling in the adult bed? Would that be appropriate? Because it's the same thing. It's one thing to have a biokid in your bed, but a step kid does not belong in a step parents bed or bedroom. Asking for a bit of private space, when you have to share everything else with a kid that isn't yours, isn't asking a whole lot. Put your foot down, because you deserve to be happy & comfortable in your bedroom & home.