My 26 y/0 SD is moving back into our home and my DH didn't even ask me how I felt. Sounds like she is going to be here for while. Has anyone else experienced this and how did you handle this terrible situation
I almost experienced it. Declining almost cost my marriage. Letting her in would absolutely have cost my marriage. Pay for an apartment. For a finite, agreed upon period of time. Especially if there is a mini-wife situation going on. Find a good counselor.
^^Same. It was several months of ss30 trying to skid home. "Oh I'm homeless and have nowhere to stay. Can I just sleep here for the night?" DH of course said yes. One night turned into 2 weeks then he'd sleep on friends couches then come back. Pot smoking, sleeping all day, video games all night, no drive to get another job. It was constant fighting between DH and I. DH didn't want to "throw ss out in the street." ss was causing major issues between DH and I and ss expecting me to clean up after him, shop for and cater to him. Un freaking real. I told DH that I married him and not his son! More fights major boundaries and guilt $$$ from DH, but ss went and lived w/mommy instead of us.
If you can't head it off at least have an end date...a light at the end of the tunnel.
I moved back home from 21-24, then again at 36... granted the second time was for 6mos while our house was being completed.
I think it all depends on the relationships and circumstances involved.
My parents keep pinging us about retiring early and moving in with them. They have a big house (6br/4ba/3car - 5000sq/ft). Conceptually DW and I have no problem with it but neither of us feels right about any possibility that we would be a burden on my mom and dad. Mom and dad (71 & 73) are very fit, healthy, and active. That is why they want us to retire now so we can all do stuff together. It would likely work okay for the four of us since they like my wife more than they like me.
They broached the same subject with my brother and his wife but my SIL would not hear of it. She lives a life of revolving guilt about her poor relationship with her own mother and goes into periods of withdrawal from my family because she feels guilty that she is not as close to her own. My brother wouldn't do it either. He is Mr. COO and on track for a very comfortable retirement and breaking stride on that early is not something he would do. |To reach his cushy retirement goal will take him about 14more years.
Our retirement investments are pretty decent right now but we plan on working another 10-ish years +/- which would get us to our goal with a retirement much like my mom and dad have. If we take mom and dad's offer... we could go any time. .... Hmmmmmm?
Looks like Rags might be moving home again after all!!!!!! }:)
My Skid's SpermIdiot lives rent free in a home the SpermGrandParents own and has for more than 20 years. The SpermGrandParents also pay their waste of skin POS idiot breeder son’s CS obligation on the eldest two of his four all out of wedlock spawn by 3 different baby mamas.
Yes, we take exception to it because while he is regularly buying expensive entertainment systems, upgrading his lowrider, buying new cars, etc… he also presents himself to the courts as a low income single dad struggling to make ends meet. What we finally had to do to scare the shit out of the SpermClan was to submit a motion to the court requesting that SpermGrandHag’s and SpermGrandPa’s incomes be added to the SpermIdiots for CS calculations purposes due to their significant contribution to his income. That was some fun. They about shit elephants over that move. }:)
It was even more fun when they denied that they subsidized their idiot breeder son in any way and demanded that the Judge throw that request out and the Judge refused and stated that she would consider it since the SpermClan has repeatedly over the years demanded that my income be considered so that their CS would go down.
When Her Honor made that comment SpermGrandHag lost the plot, stood up, and yelled “What difference does it matter who pays for those things?” We immediately commented “Hmm, I thought you said you do not subsidize your son and grandchildren?”. The Judge agreed with us.
Ultimately the Judge did not order in support of our motion but just watching the SpermClan get all balled up over it was classic and oh so much fun.
I do think it all matters. A married couple are a union of equity life partners. They and their marriage come before any spawn regardless of spawn biology. Were I the OP I would be engaging massive legal repreentation and start knocking away at this situation and I would not stop until I go what I felt was right or had run out of options. Hey, if DH wants to play hid the assets then he can be on the hook for the legal bills required to tear down this crappy facade. I am fine with leaving idiots in the opposition bleeding, whinning, and financially destitute in my debris path even if it costs me.
Not really. Skid moves in, OP moves out. These grown skids hate her and they've been encouraged to do so... by her husband. Why she even agreed to live in the home after marriage instead of her/DH purchasing a small new 'together' home is beyond me.
This *ss she married has treated her poorly since their beginning. She's just short of 55, was 50 when she first came here to voice her unhappiness. Why she didn't up and leave this mess with still plenty of time to live many more years of happiness and perhaps a different gentleman, I don't know. She , unfortunately, just settled.
Whatever DH gave away and keep separate as pre-marital is one thing, he can't shield after marriage earnings/assets. A good lawyer will dig thru all that to be sure there may not be wiggle room in that process for OP. At 55 I'd take my division of the last appro. sixteen years divorce settlement, invest in a small comfortable retirement condominium and never look back before adult skids who hated me moved into home... whether legally my home or not. The lady has ten or twelve more 'working' years plus her share of divorce settlement of which a good lawyer will help her get everything she's entitled to.
I'd rather downsize my lifestyle than live with an *ss and his hating children.
Both of my skids are giant moochers as well. Neither has stepped out and made it on their own in the world. ss31 and gf live w/mommy and ss26 and wife/2 kids live w/her parents. All live rent and virtually bill free besides the cars, toys and tattoos they've purchased. A friend of mine has a 32 yr old son (COD) she is coddling in her basement...sick if you ask me.
The shoe fits in many cases of skids I've seen. My own adult son is almost 20 and exH is coddling him. I'm going to visit this weekend and will be dragging him out of bed early to fill out job apps all over town. Higher rate COD's and entitlement in this generation for sure.
Wow, I feel like maybe the OP's SO should have at least spoken to her about it.... no matter who's name the house is in. Wouldn't that have been the nice thing to do? Discuss these things with your partner? I know she couldn't exactly refuse it (since it appears the house is in the skids name as well as his), but even so, having a discussion and talking about the length of time, the reason it's happening, what responsibilities SD would have would seem like part of a normal discussion that someone would have with their parter in this situation.
Maybe the marriage just doesn't lend itself to these kinds of discussions. If that's the case, then the OP should consider this to be a symptom of something bigger that's going on that she already knows about.
When you move in with someone in a romantic kind of way, both parties know who is working, who's not, who will be paying the bills, etc. Of course these things can change over time, and discussions and decisions are made along the way. But I feel like the OP's SO invited her to come live there and all this time he has been primarily responsible for paying mortgage and bills and stuff, because he wants her there and she was invited, because they are partners...then she is not exactly a "freeloader".
Even a landlord (not family) would not just allow someone else to move in to a single family dwelling without informing the tenant that already lives there.
I agree that you should have been asked if it was OK with you before your DH allowed SD to move in. You may not own the house but it IS the home you have shared with your DH for at least 15 years.
In 2013 you wrote that the house was in the skid's names. Does this mean they own it now? Or are they inheriting it? Big difference.
I hope, since you post in 2013 that you have had the opportunity to save money for a possible exit.
I don't care who's name title of a home is in, a husband has a moral obligation to take care of his wife, end of story !
As for the SD moving back home, at 26 the only way I would even contemplate this is if it was short term, there needs to be a plan and a time frame and all of you need to be on the same page here.
Adult children should be out of home and living their own lives. We should be enjoying this phase of our life and not having the burden of supporting adult children who are quite capable of taking care of themselves. Honestly, they have to grow up, and anyone who enables adult children deserves the crap that comes along with it. It is one thing to give support when there is a real necessity to do so, it's totally unacceptable when adult children are simply taking the piss !
Ás I said I don't care what name is on the title, they are often in a Trust and these arrangements are purely for asset protection, to protect the asset from claims in a business, or and protection from income tested subsidies such as rest homes, nursing care etc as we get older. It doesn't change the fact that the home is the husbands and his wife's and while they are living in it, it is their home.
Still the same
Still the same
Regular house guess I will be
Regular house guess I will be spending g a lot of time in my bedroom!
There would have to be some
There would have to be some major extenuating circumstances for me to put up with that situation.
Did you even get any input into this, or it was just sprung on you
It was a surprise
It was a surprise
I almost experienced it.
I almost experienced it. Declining almost cost my marriage. Letting her in would absolutely have cost my marriage. Pay for an apartment. For a finite, agreed upon period of time. Especially if there is a mini-wife situation going on. Find a good counselor.
^^Same. It was several months
^^Same. It was several months of ss30 trying to skid home. "Oh I'm homeless and have nowhere to stay. Can I just sleep here for the night?" DH of course said yes. One night turned into 2 weeks then he'd sleep on friends couches then come back. Pot smoking, sleeping all day, video games all night, no drive to get another job. It was constant fighting between DH and I. DH didn't want to "throw ss out in the street." ss was causing major issues between DH and I and ss expecting me to clean up after him, shop for and cater to him. Un freaking real. I told DH that I married him and not his son! More fights major boundaries and guilt $$$ from DH, but ss went and lived w/mommy instead of us.
If you can't head it off at least have an end date...a light at the end of the tunnel.
Extended stay hotel style
Extended stay hotel style apartments work great for this kind of thing. No lease, reasonable rates, wifi for job searches, etc....
I moved back home from 21-24,
I moved back home from 21-24, then again at 36... granted the second time was for 6mos while our house was being completed.
I think it all depends on the relationships and circumstances involved.
My parents keep pinging us about retiring early and moving in with them. They have a big house (6br/4ba/3car - 5000sq/ft). Conceptually DW and I have no problem with it but neither of us feels right about any possibility that we would be a burden on my mom and dad. Mom and dad (71 & 73) are very fit, healthy, and active. That is why they want us to retire now so we can all do stuff together. It would likely work okay for the four of us since they like my wife more than they like me.
They broached the same subject with my brother and his wife but my SIL would not hear of it. She lives a life of revolving guilt about her poor relationship with her own mother and goes into periods of withdrawal from my family because she feels guilty that she is not as close to her own. My brother wouldn't do it either. He is Mr. COO and on track for a very comfortable retirement and breaking stride on that early is not something he would do. |To reach his cushy retirement goal will take him about 14more years.
Our retirement investments are pretty decent right now but we plan on working another 10-ish years +/- which would get us to our goal with a retirement much like my mom and dad have. If we take mom and dad's offer... we could go any time. .... Hmmmmmm?
Looks like Rags might be moving home again after all!!!!!! }:)
My Skid's SpermIdiot lives
My Skid's SpermIdiot lives rent free in a home the SpermGrandParents own and has for more than 20 years. The SpermGrandParents also pay their waste of skin POS idiot breeder son’s CS obligation on the eldest two of his four all out of wedlock spawn by 3 different baby mamas.
Yes, we take exception to it because while he is regularly buying expensive entertainment systems, upgrading his lowrider, buying new cars, etc… he also presents himself to the courts as a low income single dad struggling to make ends meet. What we finally had to do to scare the shit out of the SpermClan was to submit a motion to the court requesting that SpermGrandHag’s and SpermGrandPa’s incomes be added to the SpermIdiots for CS calculations purposes due to their significant contribution to his income. That was some fun. They about shit elephants over that move. }:)
It was even more fun when they denied that they subsidized their idiot breeder son in any way and demanded that the Judge throw that request out and the Judge refused and stated that she would consider it since the SpermClan has repeatedly over the years demanded that my income be considered so that their CS would go down.
When Her Honor made that comment SpermGrandHag lost the plot, stood up, and yelled “What difference does it matter who pays for those things?” We immediately commented “Hmm, I thought you said you do not subsidize your son and grandchildren?”. The Judge agreed with us.
Ultimately the Judge did not order in support of our motion but just watching the SpermClan get all balled up over it was classic and oh so much fun.
I do think it all matters. A married couple are a union of equity life partners. They and their marriage come before any spawn regardless of spawn biology. Were I the OP I would be engaging massive legal repreentation and start knocking away at this situation and I would not stop until I go what I felt was right or had run out of options. Hey, if DH wants to play hid the assets then he can be on the hook for the legal bills required to tear down this crappy facade. I am fine with leaving idiots in the opposition bleeding, whinning, and financially destitute in my debris path even if it costs me.
That's what I worry about
That's what I worry about being put out on my butt!!
Correct!!
Correct!!
Not really. Skid moves in, OP
Not really. Skid moves in, OP moves out. These grown skids hate her and they've been encouraged to do so... by her husband. Why she even agreed to live in the home after marriage instead of her/DH purchasing a small new 'together' home is beyond me.
This *ss she married has treated her poorly since their beginning. She's just short of 55, was 50 when she first came here to voice her unhappiness. Why she didn't up and leave this mess with still plenty of time to live many more years of happiness and perhaps a different gentleman, I don't know. She , unfortunately, just settled.
Whatever DH gave away and keep separate as pre-marital is one thing, he can't shield after marriage earnings/assets. A good lawyer will dig thru all that to be sure there may not be wiggle room in that process for OP. At 55 I'd take my division of the last appro. sixteen years divorce settlement, invest in a small comfortable retirement condominium and never look back before adult skids who hated me moved into home... whether legally my home or not. The lady has ten or twelve more 'working' years plus her share of divorce settlement of which a good lawyer will help her get everything she's entitled to.
I'd rather downsize my lifestyle than live with an *ss and his hating children.
So true!!
So true!!
Both of my skids are giant
Both of my skids are giant moochers as well. Neither has stepped out and made it on their own in the world. ss31 and gf live w/mommy and ss26 and wife/2 kids live w/her parents. All live rent and virtually bill free besides the cars, toys and tattoos they've purchased. A friend of mine has a 32 yr old son (COD) she is coddling in her basement...sick if you ask me.
The shoe fits in many cases of skids I've seen. My own adult son is almost 20 and exH is coddling him. I'm going to visit this weekend and will be dragging him out of bed early to fill out job apps all over town. Higher rate COD's and entitlement in this generation for sure.
School teacher, I think.
School teacher, I think.
Wow, I feel like maybe the
Wow, I feel like maybe the OP's SO should have at least spoken to her about it.... no matter who's name the house is in. Wouldn't that have been the nice thing to do? Discuss these things with your partner? I know she couldn't exactly refuse it (since it appears the house is in the skids name as well as his), but even so, having a discussion and talking about the length of time, the reason it's happening, what responsibilities SD would have would seem like part of a normal discussion that someone would have with their parter in this situation.
Maybe the marriage just doesn't lend itself to these kinds of discussions. If that's the case, then the OP should consider this to be a symptom of something bigger that's going on that she already knows about.
When you move in with someone in a romantic kind of way, both parties know who is working, who's not, who will be paying the bills, etc. Of course these things can change over time, and discussions and decisions are made along the way. But I feel like the OP's SO invited her to come live there and all this time he has been primarily responsible for paying mortgage and bills and stuff, because he wants her there and she was invited, because they are partners...then she is not exactly a "freeloader".
Even a landlord (not family) would not just allow someone else to move in to a single family dwelling without informing the tenant that already lives there.
Man, you appear to have big
Man, you appear to have big set of kahuna's!
I agree that you should have
I agree that you should have been asked if it was OK with you before your DH allowed SD to move in. You may not own the house but it IS the home you have shared with your DH for at least 15 years.
In 2013 you wrote that the house was in the skid's names. Does this mean they own it now? Or are they inheriting it? Big difference.
I hope, since you post in 2013 that you have had the opportunity to save money for a possible exit.
The OP has not specified
The OP has not specified whether the house is NOW in their names or if they were left the house in the will. Please let her reply and clarify.
Inheriting everything! My SS
Inheriting everything! My SS asked me in around about way about DH money. I told him don't worry I will die first and he seemed relieved.
Sorry just got online, thank
Sorry just got online, thank you so much for your advice you will never know how much it means to me.
Yes I did very interesting!
Yes I did very interesting!
I don't care who's name title
I don't care who's name title of a home is in, a husband has a moral obligation to take care of his wife, end of story !
As for the SD moving back home, at 26 the only way I would even contemplate this is if it was short term, there needs to be a plan and a time frame and all of you need to be on the same page here.
Adult children should be out of home and living their own lives. We should be enjoying this phase of our life and not having the burden of supporting adult children who are quite capable of taking care of themselves. Honestly, they have to grow up, and anyone who enables adult children deserves the crap that comes along with it. It is one thing to give support when there is a real necessity to do so, it's totally unacceptable when adult children are simply taking the piss !
I like the way you think my
I like the way you think my friend
Ás I said I don't care what
Ás I said I don't care what name is on the title, they are often in a Trust and these arrangements are purely for asset protection, to protect the asset from claims in a business, or and protection from income tested subsidies such as rest homes, nursing care etc as we get older. It doesn't change the fact that the home is the husbands and his wife's and while they are living in it, it is their home.
OP wrote, "Inheriting
OP wrote, "Inheriting everything!" This does not mean they own the house now.
I asked for a clarification
I asked for a clarification and she answered that they were inheriting it.