I admitted my resentment, and now he's pissed!
We have been together for nearly 3 years. He lives with me and my 2 children. His 2 (16 & 21-who is in college) live with their mom and visit, or he visits them too. I made a huge statement to my kids by having him live with us, and its been some adjustments of course, but we have gotten through it. But when he goes and visits his kids and I'm not able to go, he won't call or text me when they are around. He will wait until he gets back to where he is staying, etc.
When his teen daughter visits, she is very nice, and I feel terrible for feeling this way, but it irritates me how affectionate they are! She literally will jump on his back, or reach her leg out and rub his arm with her toes. It makes me very uncomfortable!
So this weekend, he went to visit them, and I could not go. He did what I mentioned above...won't text/can when they are around. When he got home today I tried to calmly tell him, that I know he was trying g to spend quality time, but it made me feel like an outsider that he couldn't contact me when they were around, and that it caused me to resent him being there. I was CALM!
He then started raising his voice telling me he will not feel bad for being with them, and that he wishes I would just be happy for them spending time together. Of course I'm happy they did! I was talking about me and him. How he made me feel. Now I wish I didn't say anything. I feel terrible that I feel this way...he lives with me and my kids and is wonderful.
I didn't say my feelings were
I didn't say my feelings were "right"...I said I hated how they made me feel..but I felt them. I also didn't say HE MADE me feel that way, I said "it" (the situation) did.
I don't expect everything to conform to me! J just hated feeling the way I did.
I wanted to share with him how I felt..wrong or right..which partners should do. He has had similar feelings when he doesn't get invited to my sons event WTC.
Wow...didn't realize people would be so harsh here!
"How he made me feel." From
"How he made me feel." From your initial post. I noticed it jumping right out there, just as Sue did.
Sure, it may not have been what you meant, but there's also the chance he took it as literally as two readers here did.
Not every thought needs to be
Not every thought needs to be shared and not all feelings need to be voiced to your SO, esp when it concerns skids.
I speak very little about skids unless it's necessary. I'll listen for a bit if DH wants to talk or vent but will change the subject if he starts "dumping" on me about them.
You have to remember that your guy is not a woman. He does not need to be in constant contact w/you every second of the day. Let him have a block of uninterrupted time w/his kids. He calls you when he gets back to his place, great. Give him some space and vent your feelings here.
I agree that he shouldn't
I agree that he shouldn't have gone off on you for expressing your feelings, which are completely understandable and natural. Of course you feel left out and excluded when he leaves and has family time without you. You should be able to discuss things like this with your DH freely and respectfully.
If I were you, though, I'd try to enjoy my free time. If my DH went off with his kids instead of bringing them here once in a while, I'd be elated. In fact, I try to encourage it. Try not to think of it as being an outsider...but of being privileged and protected from unpleasant stuff. Do you want your DH to call you when he's in the middle of a work meeting? Does it make you feel like an outsider that he doesn't? Probably not...because you understand that his work is something he does without you. Maybe he tells you about it after, but he probably doesn't tell you about it as it's happening. Try to think of this in the same light. This is another "job" he does (Dad) that doesn't really involve you...and that's OK. I know it's harder because it's kids and his ex and all the baggage all that entails...but I think if you look at it this way it could help.
No, he is really great. Its a
No, he is really great. Its a important time, because its been a few years and we have been talking more and more about the fact that he hates the separation. Of course there wil be times when everyone can't be in the same place...but there is a definite separation that we both acknowledge. I think that's why this weekend bothered me so much. He said he was gonna a talk with them, and it seems it didn't happen.
So...It made it EXTRA hard not hearing from him..
I have never regretted
I have never regretted keeping my mouth shut though on the opposite tack I have regretted on several occasions verbalizing some things that I should have just kept to myself.
He is walking a very thin line in trying to keep you happy and content while having a quality relationship with is children. It sounds over all that the kids are respectful and that your SO is keeping things between the lines for the most part.
There are some things better left unsaid. It will take a while for you to put this genie back in the bottle.
Deep breaths, and good luck.
3 years in you should be
3 years in you should be comfortable enough in your relationship to not need a call or text multiple times during the day to reinforce that your SO loves you. Let him spend time with his kids. Then, when he is back to his hotel (or wherever he stays) and he isn't out doing stuff with his kids, he can call you and focus solely on talking to you for a bit. You will drive a wedge between you and your SO if you continue to be so needy. Do you have the same expectation of him on other days, or only on days when he is with his kids?
As far as the affection goes--some folks are more touchy feely than others. We aren't a real touchy feely bunch here, but what you described seems pretty normal to me...horseplay isn't the same as "Daddy hold my hand". The toes on the arm would bother me, but only because feet aren't usually the cleanest part of the body...and on the arm? Ick
I understand. I would hurt
I understand. I would hurt the same way. My spouse had 50/50 physical custody, and for a couple of years while we were dating he would never contact me in their presence. Moreover he had no pictures of me in his home. It made me feel invisible, and if I somehow was not worthy of occupying the same space as his children. It was always hard. Even after years of marriage and sharing a home he never says my name even in passing when speaking on the phone to them (they are college age now.) If he does call me when they are present he does not sound like himself. I think on some level he needs to feel as if they know that when he is with them, they have his undivided attention. It is more his issue than theirs. They are polite or a bit friendly towards me, and they passed the age of being disruptive when we try to speak. It just hurts to feel invisible. To this day, I still pause before calling if I know he is with them. I worry he will be tense or that I will hear that fake tone in his voice that is so utterly unlike him that I regret calling. I don't write because I have the solution, I just write because I know how you feel, and wanted to send support.