Pulling an all-nighter...really need to talk
I know what everyone's going to tell me...disengage, disengage, disengage. Which is way easier said than done. I really honestly tried.
So, I wasn't very sleepy to begin with. It's pushing 5am, and I'm still not out. At bedtime, DH comes upstairs to tell me he just can't take care of SS13 and keep his job. It's too taxing. He already lost a job over the amound of time off he was taking responding to SS13's suicide threats. SS13 is too draining with his mental issues (diagnosed ADHD and moderate depressive disorder), and using them as a manipulative means to get his way. I listened patiently, and asked him if he thinks he should contact our single point of access case manager to discuss this. He said "You think I should do that?" I said "yeah, probably. That's partly what he's there for." And that was the end of the conversation. He's been trying to get SS13 to sleep in his room, where he keeps an airsoft rifle, which I'm not at all comfortable with considering his mental issues. Not that he'll do anything dangerous, but I'm uncomfortable with the fact that it's practice, it's snuck in my home and hidden from me, I've seen him aiming it out of his bedroom window, and all I can think about is that kid who eventually walked into Sandy Hook elementary.
After tossing and turning until about 1am, I decide to go hang out with SS13 in the smelly basement and see what he's up to. Xbox. I sit down and say nothing. He says "I'm going up as soon as I finish this game." He gave DH a full on crying tantrum over this earlier, but is totally compliant with me. I decided to camp out downstairs, 1st floor and see if I could nod off. I did, SS13 snuck down, took the door knob off the basement door and locked himself down there. I tried changing the wifi password, but I don't have the info, and I refuse to bother DH when SS13 has been banging our door down every night with anxiety for the past 72 hours. So I went to the door and told him to unlock the door. He didn't respond. While I was waiting, I decided to relieve him of his airsoft rifle and all it's accessories, cleaning out his room, and leaving all his shit on his bed. I went back to the basement and said "There is no way this door is not coming off the hinges and staying off permanently if you do not come and open this door immediately. He listened, came up, and shut the door behind him. I unlocked it, took the Xbox, his laptop and hid them. Everything is hidden, separately. Some of it I intend to remove from the house completely, at a reasonable hour.
I told DH over the past several weeks that he really needs to step up the parenting. He tried, and SS13 won't let him sleep. So now he wants to get rid of him. SS13 removed himself from his mother's care because she's emotionally abusive to him. We've dealt with her, and that one isn't hard to believe. The law guardian advised that we hold going back to his mom over his head. This is not something DH seems interested in doing considering that will make his mental issues worse.
So now that it's 5am, any advice on what I should do? I have friends that work with mentally ill teens and they say "positive reinforcement works best" but it's really hard when there's NOTHING the kid does that's positive. I don't ever yell at him. I'm just very clear about what the consequences of his poor choices will be and that's it. He's pretty compliant and mild with me...for now. I'm sure I'm going to receive a whole wrath of fury once all the shit of what I've done hits the fan and his majesty has lost all his favorite possessions.
On top of all this, I have my own kids to care for.
Oh, and I also took the case
Oh, and I also took the case of mountain dew he was hoarding down there and just shook all the cans because I didn't feel like hiding those as well. Just feeling a little evil on top of all this }:)
I just sent DH an lengthy
I just sent DH an lengthy email about what transpired last night. I told him there's no way we'll survive this unless completely united. I referred him to an email our case manager sent us about expectations and what's going on with SS13 and how to deal with him. It's impossible to not give consequences for bad behaviors, we just have to do it in a matter of fact, calm way. And when he acts out, tantrums and threatens to harm himself or suicide, we simply tell him since he's threatening self-harm, we need to check him for that every day now, and beyond that, when he decides to end his tantrum, he can come talk to us calmly.
I wish that would work! We've
I wish that would work! We've taken him to the hospital a few times. He was admitted once. The other kids in there just laughed and joked about the different hospitals they'd been in and out of, and how much like "camp" it was. There's a really great program but required co-parenting with BM to get him in (a nearly impossible task). We did do all the paperwork for it, and he ended up on a waiting list, which got him hospitalized in the interim.
OP, please do not 'call his
OP, please do not 'call his bluff' on suicide. It is great this worked for Sally and I am thrilled it did, and maybe in her situation there was enough knowledge and insight into her own kid to know it would (that it was pure manipulation with no real intent) but in many teens with suicidal ideation this will be the permission they need. Steps 1-4, definitely do that. You can be your dh's support and the two of you discuss things but let him take the lead. I get that he is exhausted and you are trying to support, continue to do that emotionally and practically to the degree you can. Such a hard situation. Sometimes it actually does get better with time and age as the hormones calm down too.
Just more info: SS13 takes an
Just more info: SS13 takes an anti-psychotic, an antidepressant and amphetamine for his ADHD. He was hospitalized for 6 days back in February for cutting himself. He refuses to wear short sleeve shirts because he's embarrassed of the scars, and won't wear shorts because he's embarrassed of his legs. He has a therapist that he should be seeing weekly, and is better when he does, but it's been on and off since the summer began. His case manager sent us a great resource on Borderline Personality disorder, which he believes SS13 is showing many traits for. It could be on its way, and honestly, I think will only get worse with the continued appeasement of him. I believe DH has been appeasing him in order to keep him quiet for my sake, since I'm the one with him all day, every day. I told him it's not okay with me. I expect him to lay down the law, and tell his son he needs to follow his rules, and be respectful of me. DH is concerned about me and my kids being exposed to his tantrums while he's at work. He tried sending SS13 to my in-laws so we could have a pleasant family vacation, but that ended when my mother-in-law had a heart attack, and DH had to rush home....still not sure if that's the whole truth or not, and not sure if it wasn't a huge manipulation to get DH back here.
DH came downstairs this morning and kissed me. He said "you sleep. Call me when you're awake." So I came upstairs to rest some more, but I wanted to check for some responses. And I completely agree, DH has got to be the one to lay down the law. But I'm not divulging one iota of the hidden items until he has a real plan cemented in place that I will be able to "back up" while he's at work. He knows I fully intend to separate myself and my children from this is he doesn't do something to put a stop to it. He's made it clear he doesn't want that to happen. Part of the support system we have in place is to prevent just that from happening, because they're very aware this type of stuff does pull families apart, does cause separation and divorce of the strongest marriages. I just don't think they're aware of where DH and I are at at this point.
BM emotionally abuses her
BM emotionally abuses her kids. We have been in and out of court with her since 2010. She punched in my front door, punched DH in the mouth, ran into my house and tried to get her kids out of my house when it wasn't her custodial time. She punched me several times, in front my son who was 2 at the time. We called the police, she put on a wonderful show for them, which made them say if we were pressing charges against her, they would arrest both of us for assaulting her as well...completely untrue. We have tons of documentation, video, audio or her swearing at DH in front of the kids and having fits in front of them. She would tell the kids 'DH steals my money!" she would only allow them to refer to DH by his first name. She would accuse DH of molesting the kids. They would come back to us angry, weepy and withdrawn. We spent over $50K over the years trying to get full custody. We still have the case pending, but we're just tapped out of money, trying to pay off this debt. SS behaves exactly like her. In fact, it was BM who called DH and said she couldn't deal with him any more. That was the only reason DH obtained full custody to begin with.
In the meantime, BM's step son has also refused to live in that house with her and her effed up husband as of this past March. We've actually had to set up visitation for my stepkids with HIS BM, because his father refuses to see or speak to him. I still have one SS left in that house, with the child they have together. He's about to start middle school, so we're thinking it's only a matter of time before he'll want to leave too.
Thanks <3
Thanks <3
My SS12 is also suicidal and
My SS12 is also suicidal and depressive with a history of violent tantrums, diagnosed ADHD and just had a psych evaluation to see if he is on the autism spectrum. Since I have known him (over 5 years) his primary mode is emotional manipulation to get what he wants. It has caused immense turmoil for us, especially since SS12 falsely accuses DH of abuse. In the last instance, he claimed he was suicidal, spent over a week in a mental institution where he said DH hit him (never happened), and requested to move in with his mom. Since all the doctors and case workers thought this was best because of his accusations (additionally I had gotten tired of the mess and also wanted BM to take more responsibility over him), DH also agreed.
Now, he has nearly had CPS called on BM as well. When he is at my house, I lock away all the knives. He regularly threatens suicide when he get things taken away from him or if he feels in any way slighted. I refuse to be alone with SS, but he keeps getting sent home for suicidal thoughts and since BM and DH aren't around during the day, I feel obligated to be there for him. Luckily DH has a flexible job, so he doesn't leave it all to me, but BM never handles any issues. It's a huge drain on our marriage.
If your DH no longer feels he can handle it and if he's losing his jobs over it, that's a huge problem, but in my opinion, it's DH's issue. You need to protect yourself and your kids. I am close to the point where DH and I may live in separate households while he raises SS if he takes him back full-time and DH knows this.
Sorry you are going through
Sorry you are going through this. The best thing you can do is be a support for your husband at this point. Has the child been put on a behavior plan yet? Has medication been tried? Is he getting talk therapy? Consider NO xbox for a month, not as a punishment but to see if it changes anything in his thought process.
Thank you. I am trying to be
Thank you. I am trying to be supportive of him. I've tried to give him the reigns. But he has no idea how to handle this without turning into a blubbering mess in front of his son. He seriously needs coaching. We have taken the Xbox away, and the minute he gave it back to him, I was so pissed, I was like "I wash my hands of this. Eff this. If you don't fix this yourself, I'm out!" Last summer we had him on a behavior plan. We listed our daily expectations of him, and in return he'd earn his Xbox time. It was starting to work, when BM decided during a visitation session with his counselor that SS was returning to 50/50 custody and going home with her. She called the cops on him to force him to go. DH was diagnosed with cancer not a week before this happened, so we didn't really fight her on it. We stayed with 50/50 for another 3 months, during which his school sent him to a specialized program, in another school, out of district because of his offensive outbursts. It was at this time that he went to the law guardian and absolutely refused to return to her.
I think we just need to really reinforce what we were doing last year that was working so well. Now that we have documentation, BM can't force SS back to her house.
If this kid is a suicide and
If this kid is a suicide and sniper risk then he needs to be in a place where he can get the help and oversight he needs to not be a danger to himself or anyone else. It may be time for DH to consider having him made a ward of the state. I have a very good childhood friend who is schizophrenic and whose parents petitioned the courts to make him a ward of the state while they maintained physical custody of him. This allowed his parents to get him the help he needed, keep him in the home and family, but also leveraged the authority of the state to force treatment and therapy as my friend moved into adulthood.
He is now in his early 50s, lives with his dad (mom passed away) in a separate apartment on the property and takes care of the pool, yard, etc….. A couple of times a year he meets with his Psych team at the state hospital and they adjust his therapy and meds as needed. He has been institutionalized a few times over the years for reasonably short periods for some serious disconnects and manic episodes but has always transitioned back to his family home.
This has allowed his family to maintain their ability to function as a family, provide for their own and his best interests, and protect themselves and their assets from any physical and financial dangers he represents.
It worked well for them. Rather than check out on working and supporting himself and his family I think your DH should look into any and all options that may be available.
Good luck. And don't forget to take care of you in all of this.
Thanks Rags. I think this is
Thanks Rags. I think this is exactly what DH was trying to express to me last night. The SPOA case manager is the place to begin asking these questions, and luckily we already have that in place. I think he'll be relieved at your suggestion, as I'm sure it's not an easy conclusion to come to.
Just some things I picked out
Just some things I picked out of your post....
A true cutter does not cut where you can see. It's usually high on the arms and legs so that it is not noticeable. If he's doing it low like that, it's probably for attention or because the other EMO kids are doing it too.
If you do not have the WiFi router password, then unplug it. There is a factory reset button on it. Usually you need to stick a pen in the hole to press it. Call your cable/internet provider and they will walk you through it. Set a new password, write it down, and stick it in your wallet.
If your husband has lost a job over this drama and is in danger of losing another one, then it's time for a Come to Jesus meeting. Install a new lock on the basement door. It's easy to do and you can buy the knob at Wal-Mart. Put an alarm on the door (there are super cheap $3 ones that go off when the piece on the door separates from the piece on the wall). Since you are concerned for his safety (whether sincerely or not), take everything out of his room except a mattress and a few changes of clothes. That means taking the door, the furniture, clothes, books, pillows, TV, and knick-knacks. Lock all of those things in the basement. He can earn them back once he starts showing emotional health. Until then, why risk it? If he threatens suicide, call the police. Narcissists that use suicide as a threat are terrified of police involvement. You will want the police involved for a couple of reasons... One, you may get CPS breathing down your necks if he said he was suicidal and you did nothing. If he were to tell his teacher that you didn't get help for him, they will involve the state. By having a police record of the incident, you will protect yourself from any potential charges or accusations of neglect. I am not kidding, this kind of thing happens. Two, it's a WIN-WIN. If he is faking then he will be scared to death to threaten this crap again. If he really is suicidal then he will get help. Daddy may not like it but it will save his job and your sanity if you quit babysitting and placating and actually take steps to save him. My money is on that he's faking but you never know.
Honey, you are a good woman for trying to take care of this troubled teen but it's time to lay this burden down. You know how they tell you on airplanes to put on your own air mask before you help your child? This is the same principle. Get some sleep and take care of you. If that means refusing to watch someone else's emotionally disturbed child, then so be it. If that means that Daddy loses his job because he just can't bear to call the cops on his snowflake, then so be it. I don't know if you work or not, but it might be time to think about living apart until daddy and snowflake get some help. As long as you're around to do all the babysitting, daddy won't. In the end, what you're doing now isn't really going to help anyone. Daddy will not learn to step up, stepson will not get the help (or punishment) that he needs, and you will be a train wreck. I say this with love, STOP IT.