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Malificent's picture

Hi, Stumbled across this forum whilst desperately searching on line for the cure to my Step Parent woes. Looks like I am in good company!
Long story, short: I have 2 step daughters aged 11 and 14. I met their dad after he had been separated from their mom for a year, at the time they were 2 and 5, very young. I'll admit I had no kids of my own at the time and was blissfully naive as to what I was getting myself into. I love their dad ( my now husband) and hadn't really given much thought or consideration as to how they would factor into our relationship. As time went on I soon began to realize! The younger one has always been more pleasant than the older one. Unfortunatley the eldest one has been a carbon copy of her mom from a young age, that is opinionated, rude and outspoken. They were visiting us on alternate weekends which was getting more and more unbearable for me as time went on. I was able to make myself scarce in the earlier days bt as the years passed DH and I had 2 kids of our own ( now aged 3 and 4). It would simply take too long to list the issues that have occurred over the year but it's fair to say there is a great deal of disrespect from them. For me I have tried my hardest, be the adult, rise above it but I finally reached the end of the line, I'm done!
We moved to another country a couple of years back thru DHs job. Amen! I was finally able to escape alternate weekends of torture with the SDs. This has helped for sure, only problem is they come to visit for 3 weeks at a time! I suck up the fact we have to pay thousands of $s to bing them over for the fact that DH likes to see his daughters. Fact is I'm still mentally scarred from the last visit and am dreading the next in 6 weeks time. I've become so anxious about it that I think I may need a mild prescription of Xanax to cope.. no joke! Last visit was intolerable rudeness and disrespect from headlice infestations (which Im sure the evil mother leaves for us to clear up on purpose which spread to me and my young boys) to shit wiped all over the bathroom wall. Yes shit!
In some ways I'm sorry to see so many other people suffer from the same issues but in other ways I m relieved as I'm not alone. It doesn't seem to be an acceptable thing to say 'I hate my stepkids!' out loud.

oneoffour's picture

I would take photos of the crap (Literally) they do and tell them "On my phone I have your bad behaviour. If you don't want me to tag your mother and your father and your friends with these photos this place gets straightened up in the next hour. Otherwise the world will see what you do in other peoples homes." Boom! Done!

My mother did the same thing pre internet. My sister would leave her underwear in a pile in her room. Mum got sick of it and said she would hang it from the front hedge with a big sign on it about my sister and her slovenly ways. It worked like a charm. Although I always wondered whose hedge mum was talking about because we didn't have one!

The other option is to take your children away for a break and tell DH you will be organising a cleaning service for the day after they leave and the day before you get back. No arguments. He will not stop the disrespect and you don't have time to deal with it.

Amcc13's picture

I like the idea of the photos - nothing make kids squirm like social media these days and I would say it is a definite form of currency.
On the other hand I don't think you should be cleaning up after them. Leave everything for dh.
There is an essay on here about disengaging and I think you should read it. Do not cook clean or whatever for these children. They need anything- they need to wait and ask dad.
And next time there is pooh on walls he needs to clear it up.
He needs to step up and parent and take back control

Kinder1's picture

You are not alone! Much of your story is mirrors mine and many others as you will see through this fabulous support site. I was close to a breakdown, no joke, tow years ago and I am normally a strong, level headed professional woman. I worked in education for over 30 years with struggling teens, no less. Nothing prepared me for the 3 Skids and their issues and treatment of me. Anyhow, that is my story. I'd like to speak as a professional about the pooh on the walls. That is beyond childish antics and cleaning it up is not the main issue. In a school they would not only be suspended, they would likely be assessed by a counselor. Here is where you can instill a fear factor and probably nip it while also taking adult responsibility. If they do something like that again or something equally as demented, take photos and tell them with the father present that you are in contact with a child dr. to access this kind of "abnormal behavior". Tell them as an adult you have a responsibility to have them checked out for illness and discuss appointments. Trust me, they will go nuts and beg that they will not do it again. Make them bust and beg. Then say you will write up a list of chores and house rules that you will all sign. See how it goes. If they revert back, then truly make a drs. appt. Good luck.

SouthernBelle1908's picture

They are that old and doing that sort of thing? They must really not like being there to cause that kind of confusion. I

I agree with the others...let DH handle their messes. Or if they are in your care and are messing up your space, take pics for DH and make them clean up their messes.

Don't feel bad...I'm not a fan of my SD. She's also rude and disrespectful. Hating her takes too much energy, though. I try to devote that energy to other things and people that I value.

newlyblendedandtrying's picture

what about if their dad visits them for a couple weeks? He absolutely should see his children but if he flies out that way it could save you a ton of money and headches