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Help! Is the relationship between DH and SD normal?

ConfusedGF's picture

My SO and I have been together for a year and have been living together the whole time. We have a wonderful relationship and hardly ever have problems. My only issue is when his daughter (age 3 soon to be 4) comes one week out of every month. I really like her and I think she is a great kid but it's when they are together that drives me crazy. I get this sick jealous feeling when they do certain things. I've been researching for months until I finally came across this forum.

So here are some examples. My first issue I remember having was that he wouldn't make her go to bed at bedtime. We would put her down and she would get back up several times and come give him hugs. He would act as if it made him happy. I was obviously annoyed because I wanted alone time together at night. Then she would start coming into our room in the middle of the night or early mornings and he would pull her in bed with us and cuddle her. He would turn his back to me completely. I would end up getting no sleep because I was anxious and irritated. I finally spoke to him and told him I don't want kids in our bed with us so that has stopped...except he still tries to do it for like 10 mins before he just gets up with her instead.

When we leave the room we always kiss each other or say we love each other. It's just something cute we have always done. I have come to realize that he does this with her too. It's "I love you" every two seconds. He uses the same pet names for us like "baby" and "sunshine". Sometimes I get confused as to which one of us he is talking to. This hurts my feelings because that was our thing.

One time she was giving him kisses and she was lingering so long that he even told her to stop. It was so weird. They are so overly lovey dovey that she was probably confused as to why she couldn't do that. It all just makes me feel sick and then I fee terrible about myself. As if I shouldn't be feeling this way.

A few other examples would be... She will be peacefully playing or watching a movie and he will look for attention from her. Ask her to come sit in his lap or start a conversation about nothing.

He also has a habit of not listening to me talk to say something silly to his daughter. One weekend we were all at the park and l I was taking about an ultrasound appointment we had coming up. I had just received a phone call confirming the time. I was super excited about it. He didn't even reply he just started talking to his daughter. I then tried to talk about it again 10 mins later and he interrupted me again to play with her. It made me just want to withdrawl.

This past weekend he even cut me off mid sentence to ask his daughter something. As if he was just so excited to say it I didn't matter. It was about a card game so nothing too important to ask her.

I have gotten the impression that it's guilt. That maybe he feels guilty for not being around all the time. He chose to not be with her mother after 4 years. They were never married and only lived together for one year when his daughter was a baby. He says he does not feel any guilt though.

Is this normal? I end up locking myself in the bedroom most of the week when she is here to avoid feeling like crap. I can't stand the constant "I love you" " no I love you" "no I love you" game they like to play. I feel depressed. I actually told him how I felt for the first time last night and he said he was sorry and that things would change. I honestly think he thinks I need more attention though. But it's not that..it's that they make me uncomfortable.

ConfusedGF's picture

Yes, I actually had him 7 weeks ago. I have felt that he goes out of his way to seem "fair". He will post pictures of the new baby on Facebook but he brings up his daughter when it's totally unrelated. As if someone online is going to think he is playing favoritism for posting a picture of his new baby. For example "he is cuddling with his daddy the way his sissy used to cuddle, I love my babies". I told him he is aloud to have special moments with his son sometimes. He doesn't have to always mention them both.

ConfusedGF's picture

Yes, I actually had him 7 weeks ago. I have felt that he goes out of his way to seem "fair". He will post pictures of the new baby on Facebook but he brings up his daughter when it's totally unrelated. As if someone online is going to think he is playing favoritism for posting a picture of his new baby. For example "he is cuddling with his daddy the way his sissy used to cuddle, I love my babies". I told him he is aloud to have special moments with his son sometimes. He doesn't have to always mention them both.

ConfusedGF's picture

Yes, I actually had him 7 weeks ago. I have felt that he goes out of his way to seem "fair". He will post pictures of the new baby on Facebook but he brings up his daughter when it's totally unrelated. As if someone online is going to think he is playing favoritism for posting a picture of his new baby. For example "he is cuddling with his daddy the way his sissy used to cuddle, I love my babies". I told him he is aloud to have special moments with his son sometimes. He doesn't have to always mention them both.

notsobad's picture

So interesting that you bring up narcissists, I thought the same thing when I read her descriptions of their interaction.

I read on another form (about narcissists) about a father who would toss peanuts or something at his child when she was sitting with her mother. Mother and daughter would tell him to stop and he would just laugh. As soon as the daughter moved away from Mom and sat with Dad he stopped the pestering.
He also wouldn't listen to Mom and would pay all his attention to the daughter. If the daughter said hey Mom is talking to you, he would punish the daughter by not speaking to her the rest of the day. If she asked what was wrong he told her he thought she didn't want him to talk to her because when he was earlier she'd told him to stop and talk to Mom.

The result was a wedge between mother and daughter and the narcissist got to enjoy the conflict he'd created.

ConfusedGF's picture

I would like to clarify that I don't blame his daughter at all. I didn't mean for it to sound that way. if these things were their thing before me that doesn't mean it will always be that way. He has a SO now and I think affection should be shown differently and appropriately to us both I suppose. And honestly I would be just as bothered if he did these things with the new child. He is a baby at the moment but when he is older I still want affection to be appropriate. Do you think I should get out of the situation? There's no way I can continue like this if we get married like we plan to. It just hurts my feelings too much.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I agree pretty much with everything sueu2 says about this situation. It may be blunt but it is what it is. I can tell you that my DH (and we are an INTACT family) does the very same things your SO does with his daughter, with our 3 year old daughter. I guess because I'm our daughter's bio mother, I don't see anything wrong with it except occasionally I will tell him to leave her alone and stop bothering her for a conversation when she's obviously engrossed in whatever she's doing--mainly because I want her to be able to concentrate on tasks instead of ending up developing something like ADD because she never learned the skill of concentration.

The other thing is though, that you don't have the luxury of, it's easier for me to berate my husband for his actions with our daughter because it can never be misconstrued as jealousy, since I've seen how much he loves her develop from infancy.

Just this morning, around 6am, our daughter had a nightmare and came standing next to our bed and asked if she could "cuddle." For whatever reason, she didn't want to cuddle with me, but wanted DH, so she cuddled next to him on his other side while he was turned to her, with his back facing me until we all woke up around 8. I had no problem with it other than I wanted a turn at cuddling her too because she was just too adorable. So what is okay in an intact family is not going to be okay in a blended situation because the partner will never have the security of knowing for certain whether or not the relationship is normal if it takes time away from the partner. This is also a hard truth to swallow.

However, some things can get super annoying, EVEN THOUGH she is our shared daughter. For example, he'll ask her what her favorite color is and she'll (also, for some odd reason) say it's "Daddy" or "Mommy" and she'll ask him what his favorite color is and he'll say, it's "BD." They can go on with this 20 times and it can grate on even MY NERVES because I can only hear the same thing over and over again before I'll go crazy. I can tell them to stop because I can't take it anymore, but it's hard for a GF to without being thought of as "jealous."

ConfusedGF's picture

I wouldn't describe him as narcissistic at all. So I don't think it's that. It's more like it makes him feel good to make her feel special and he seeks that feeling?? I just don't understand the "want" to be so lovey dovey like that. I mean me and him are lovey dovey in that way. I'm not like that with my own child. I dont think how to go about fixing this without sounding like I'm trying to come between them. I want to be a happy family and all do things together but I can't stand to be with them both at the same time.

ConfusedGF's picture

So maybe I should suggest counseling? I don't want us to end up getting married without fully working through this. We did talk last night...but I think he thinks giving me more attention will fix the problem. The things is he already gives me attention. I don't want him to do more or less with either of us. I just don't want to be treated exactly the same. It makes me feel awkward. She is still young and now after reading forums here I'm terrified of what it will turn into. She doesn't try to come between us on purpose yet...it's really all him. But I definitely couldn't handle it if it was on purpose and he allowed it.

ConfusedGF's picture

I am and have been for months. That is how I found this site, through trying to find solutions. We did get pregnant pretty early in the relationship. I had only met his daughter one time and there were no problems. She lived 5 hours away at the time. I didn't try to become pregnant to gain some sort of leg up on the situation. Although it was kind of irresponsible but I can't change that part now.

ConfusedGF's picture

I already have a 6 year old and we don't do these things. I wasn't raised that way either so maybe that has something to do with it?

ConfusedGF's picture

I mean we hug and say I love you when we leave the house or at the end of a phone call. She doesn't try to crawl into bed with me and I don't sleep well that way.

oneoffour's picture

OK so now you have a 6 yr old and a newborn. You moved in with this guy and got pregnant inside a few months. You had only met his daughter 1 time before. And somehow the fact that he sees his daughter 1 week a month didn't raise any red flags as to how a toddler deals with only seeing her daddy for one week a month and misses her mommy when she is there?. In that 1 week he has this one opportunity to make up for the 3 weeks he isn't there to tell her he loves her etc.

They are an affectionate family. They hug and kiss. This is the way they are. Now you are in this relationship you have to accept it for what it is. OK, so you hug and kiss when you leave the room. His daughter is just copying what you are doing. She thinks this is OK because a) her dad is affectionate and b) you and he do this ritual when you part from each other. She is only 3. You are projecting your jealousy onto a little girl who only sees her father 1 week a month. And what happens when she is in school? He will see her less. Then there is the adjustment into a running household.

I would start with the pet names. Ask him for something else to call you and ONLY you. The morning cuddles? Limit it to 10 minutes. This is time he doesn't get for the next 21 days whereas you get to cuddle your kids every single day. And yes, she is his eldest child. She is special. And he misses her like crazy when she is not around. If your 6 yr old was away 21 days a month how would you feel if you saw him for only 7 days on, 21 days off? Would you miss him and want to hug and spend every waking moment with him? Reverse the situation and see how you would behave.

ConfusedGF's picture

Actually my 6 year old doesn't live with me and lives 13 hours away. When she visits I treat her the same as I always have. I don't amp it up just to make up for lost time. That doesn't make sense to me. I only see her every other Holliday and the summer. Also he moved in with me since I had my own home and he was living with his grandmother. Also it's not the child that initiates it...it's him. She is not copying what we do he just does it. She loves me to death and doesn't act threatened or jealous at all. That's not the issue. I just get uncomfortable when the affection gets too much.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I think every family is different in terms of how much affection they show. Some more than others. Nothing this guy does strikes me as "creepy" mainly because my DH is the same way with our daughter, who is 3. My own experiences growing up was the polar opposite--my dad as hands off as could possibly be without disappearing altogether. Another one of my friends had a dad much like my DH. We both turned out emotionally normal (with high achieving careers) and both love our parents. Oddly, we always thought my DH and her dad should have been the stay at home parents while myself and her mom went out to be the sole breadwinners, because they are very "motherly" while we're kind of manly.

However, I think both men and women should be prepared to make some compromises and changes when they are with new partners. What was acceptable when they were with the other bio--like interrupting your partner because your child did something cute or says something--is now rude, mainly because the new partner will never share emotionally in the joy of those little moments because they don't have the bond with the child that the bioparents do. When this happens, the new partner will feel that void very starkly.

If this is the kind of dad he is, and you don't agree with this parenting style--because I guarantee he's going to do the same with your new baby together--you should probably get out now.

As I am typing this in BD's bedroom, DH and BD are cuddling in the master bedroom (me and her trade places in the morning), and I'm just freakin' glad she's not in here bouncing off the walls so I can have some peace and quiet before the day starts and it's "mommy? Mommy? Mommy?" I don't feel like I was pushed away or replaced, but once again, this is because I'm the bioparent and I see my loinfruit so much I actually enjoy being isolated.

Would you feel better if your SO left the room in the morning to spend time with his daughter in her room, and tucked her in and spent time with her at night in her room?

And if he didn't interrupt you for her?

The problem of your SO not having realized things needed to change once he had a new partner will breed jealousy on both sides--from his daughter who can only understand that daddy is witholding attention because of this new person, and the new SO because she doesn't love the fact that he shows so much affection for his daughter that she feels pushed to the side.

I have even cautioned my DH that if we divorced, he's going to have to change his behavior towards our kids because no normal woman who is not their biomom would be okay with it and they will think he's creepy. He simply came too the conclusion that he would not be dating material then and would not even try dating until the kids were much older because he could never give this up. So either your SO makes compromises or he should reconsider whether or not he should even be dating people.

ConfusedGF's picture

Yes now he gets up and goes in the living room in the mornings with her instead of pulling her into bed with us. That or we both get up. Also he doesn't interrupt me bc she started speaking or whatever...he would interrupt me to initiate a conversation with her. That was what hurt my feelings so bad.

I'm getting so many different responses to this post I still don't know how to go about working it out.

I've decided to be more involved with her and play more and that helps and fees better than hiding away...it's not until he does something that makes me I guess feel uncomfortable that I shut down.

Like last night we were sitting on a double recliner and I was holding the baby and she was sitting with him. I felt fine for a while until they started just being lovey dovey...it's not pervy...I just feel like "okay we get it, you love each other". Like it's just over the line of being too much. Once I reached that level of irritated I think he noticed my expression and decided to put her down for bedtime.

I also want to barf when he calls her baby. I can't help but to associate it as something for adults and tiny babies...that are actually babies. I get confused as to who he is talking to sometimes. He calls us both baby.

Literally just now he asked her to lay and cuddle with him on the floor....god I feel sick. Why would he rather cuddle with her than with me? She isn't even tired...she was happily playing.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

If you don't ask him to cuddle you, how is he supposed to know you want to cuddle with him? I feel like you're setting up private "tests" for your SO that he has no idea he is a part of (I used to do this, which is very unhealthy behavior and only makes it worse.)

One of the things in marriage counseling that myself and DH goes to is that we cannot expect the other person to read our minds. IF you had asked him to cuddle you and he declined and THEN asked his daughter to cuddle him, then yeah, that's a HUGE problem.

But if he asked his daughter to cuddle first, and then you realized you wanted to be cuddled too, and now you're pissed because he asked her first--I'm sorry, but that's not really reasonable in my eyes. What we get out of being affectionate with our children is very different than what we get our of being affectionate with our partners. Sometimes we crave the nurturing bond with our children, sometimes we crave the romantic bond with our partners. To say that when he's craving a nurturing bond with his child is wrong and it he should instead be craving the romantic bond with you as his partner is trying to force him to feel something at a moment he does not feel. You can't switch the two types of bonds--emotions don't work that way.

ConfusedGF's picture

if it is jealousy then what should I do? Should I still suggest counseling for us maybe?

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I think first you need to talk to your OBGYN to rule out post partum depression and a hormone imbalance.

Then if it still doesn't help, yes, counseling. But you have to be willing to hear what the counselor says too. They may offer advice you don't like, including that it's normal for your DH to show the kinds of affection you are describing to his daughter. Your DH also has to listen to the counselor that he can't make you feel isolated when his daughter is here, and if the counselor is good, he/she will give your advice and "homework" and ways to make sure everyone is happy with the compromise.

ConfusedGF's picture

How would you suggest bringing up that I need help? I don't want it to sound like I am placing blame.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

"I think we have some things that might be helpful to talk out at a counseling session because I'm feeling a bit funky and I don't want it to blow up into something huge. Would you be willing to come with me to a couple's counselor and figure out how we can make everyone happy?"

But like I said, you should also talk to your OBGYN at the same time about PPD. It's a whole other animal and not a nice one at that, and every woman will suffer from it to some degree.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I get some people are with men who are not affectionate with their kids or who are not physically affectionate with their own kids but to think it's not normal when there does not seem to be any sexual undertones, nor does he with-hold his affection from her when his daughter is there so there should be no issue of competition... that's a bit strange to me, and I've been on this board for a while.

And I grew up with a dad who was the epitome of non-affection. I could have squeezed more cuddling out of a rock than my own father (I love him to death but all the affection came from my mom.)

To feel that any time anyone wants to be affectionate with anyone or anything, that "first in line" should be the partner is a bit self-centered. After all, there are definitely times when I feel like cuddling and I choose MY CATS over DH. As long as I don't deny DH affection and then only give affection to the cats, there really isn't an issue, and she admits herself that her SO doesn't with-hold his affection from her.

ConfusedGF's picture

I wouldn't describe it as creepy either. I just feel uncomfortable and that's the only way I know how to describe it.

ConfusedGF's picture

My 6 year old is actually moving back here this summer:) her dad is in the military and is stationed in another state but finally transferring back here.

ConfusedGF's picture

So are you saying he is doing these things to fill his own needs and not to make her feel special or important or something? I am always trying to come up with explanations.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Most likely. Everyone does it to some extent. You want him to cuddle you to fulfill a need, he wants to cuddle his daughter to fulfill a need.

Sometimes I want to cuddle my daughter and not my DH to fulfill a need, sometimes my DH wants to cuddle our daughter but not me to fulfill a need, and sometimes me and DH want to cuddle each other and not our daughter to fulfill a need, and sometimes we all pile on top of each other and cuddle as a family to fulfill a need.

Sometimes my DH will ask our daughter for a hug and a kiss when she's doing something (I usually stop him though, since I think it's doing her a disservice in the development of her concentration skill) and DH's not at all narcissistic, as far as I know.

Does he not cuddle you AT ALL when his daughter is around? Does he cuddle the new baby the way he cuddles his daughter? If he doesn't, then THAT definitely is a problem.

ConfusedGF's picture

Well it's impossible to cuddle a baby the same way I think. And he doesn't avoid being affectionate to me when she is around or anything. I have a hard time understanding the need to ask for affection from her when she is playing fine. I don't understand the want to cuddle her instead of me if she comes into our bed. I literally feel nauseous when it happens. If she comes up and wants a hug or whatever, I feel that is different and totally normal. Not all affection makes me feel this way, just the affection that is the same as our affection. Either way, wrong or normal...I need help with this situation. I don't know how to handle it. I feel sick like my heart is broken and I know I can't live my life having and stuffing down these feelings. I would rather leave the relationship, as perfect as it is in other areas. If I am in the wrong, I still can't handle this feeling. If it is just jealousy I need advice on how to fix it. I was totally convinced it was jealousy until I found this site...now I'm just even more confused. I was originally just searching for a reason why I felt this jealous feeling.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Then myself and my DH would be flipping out at each other constantly for showing affection of the same variety with our daughter and between ourselves (for example, I call my daughter baby, so does he, but we also call eachother baby. Same with sweetheart. Maybe not honey... or sexy... or hot thing, for obvious reasons.) Sexual affection is very, very different from familial affection.

Some things are reserved for just us as a couple--sex, making out, groping, dirty talk, sweet talk. But everything else, from chaste kisses to hugs to cuddling to conversations about each other's day are shared between all of us.

I think you might be suffering from a bit of postpartum depression and maybe mention it to your OBGYN when you go for a check up. I know I was hypersensitive after giving birth to our daughter so a lot of the things DH did pissed me off when it normally wouldn't have. Small things he said or did I tended to blow out of proportion and read into it. Him sighing when I asked him to do something turned into "You don't care about me and you don't love me and I don't even know why I'm in a relationship with you." So just be aware it's very possible your hormones are also messing with you.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Oh. Did it get worse after having the baby?

Welp, then all I got is couple's counseling.

Helpmegod's picture

I feel exactly the same. Feel ignored when his kids are here he's overly affectionate to them in front of me when he's the least affectionate man I've ever met , I really hate watching them snuggling up together I too leave the room I feel like a stranger in my own home

Helpmegod's picture

I feel exactly the same. Feel ignored when his kids are here he's overly affectionate to them in front of me when he's the least affectionate man I've ever met , I really hate watching them snuggling up together I too leave the room I feel like a stranger in my own home

ConfusedGF's picture

And he knows I crave cuddling with him especially since the new baby arrived. We have not had very much alone time. Well the baby was napping in his pack n play. So it would have been a perfect opportunity to lay together on the floor in the living room.

ConfusedGF's picture

I feel like crying so bad right now. She ended up not taking a nap with him on the floor but I still dismissed myself and the baby to the bedroom bc I feel hurt. I wanted to say "is there a reason you want to cuddle with her and not me?"..."even though she was playing and not looking for attention?"....but I just kept my mouth shut. I guess I'm waiting for something to really throw me over the edge so I can finally speak my mind. I'm so indecisive about how to approach it.

ConfusedGF's picture

So do you think I should remove myself from the relationship? If it is jealousy then I will just end up with a lot of guilt if he makes changes. I'm not trying to come between them. I just want harmony. I don't want to feel this way.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Your resentment about his parenting style is eating you up. Does he discipline his daughter when she misbehaves? When she throws a tantrum? When she's disrespectful? (These are all things that OFTEN OFTEN happen with toddlers and younger children.) If he does but balances it out with a lot of affection, then you might have to wonder why you have a problem with it other than you feel some sort of competition with the little girl.

When he eventually starts giving this kind of affection and attention to the baby (especially when the baby becomes interactive), are you going to also be jealous of your own child? That's something you have to think deeply about because it will come sooner or later.

This relationship is obviously something you ran into without fully knowing the situation, and then brought another kid into it, which makes it excessively difficult for you to leave. If you exhaust all your other ideas, including checking hormone levels and couple's counseling, then perhaps you guys are just not compatible. However, remember that if you separate, the child between you will also receive this kind of love from his/her dad, and if he gets a new GF who doesn't like it either, then what would you feel for your child who is so used to a loving father?

ConfusedGF's picture

Your questions are very helpful by the way. I really am trying to sort this out in my head. Yes I would feel the same way over our child together if he preferred cuddling with him over me. Especially when I am laying right there. I get if there is a nightmare or sickness, but if in general I felt he would RATHER cuddle with one of our children than me then it would hurt me. For example, our son is 7 weeks and cosleeps because I breastfeed. I love his cuddles but I would LOVE to roll over and cuddle my SO instead. The baby tends to wake up if I move it seems though. So I guess I just don't understand why he feels that way.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

That's actually very interesting that you would feel the same way if it was your child together. This may be some sort of other issue. I would do some search then on parents who get jealous of the attention their kids get from their partners (who are also the bioparents) and see what that's like. I can say with this new piece of information then this is less about it being a step issue than it is about an adult who has competition tendencies with children.

I have actually read a lot of cases of mothers (and fathers) especially being possessive of the attention their partners give their children (their own flesh and blood) and it does mess the child up. Most of the things you read will go into the extreme where the mother/father starts withholding their affection and love towards their own children because they feel a competition, and occasionally become mentally/physically abusive.

I'm just glad you are looking for help, but yes, counseling is definitely needed in this case. You don't want to be another statistic in that group above where your own child feels like he is competing with you for his father's attention. Then the problems REALLY start.

Edited to add: Why do you view him cuddling someone else first, in this case his daughter, as him "preferring" to cuddle her? I ask this because you know how sometimes you want a burger but sometimes you might want pasta? Sometimes you crave something sweet and sometimes you crave something salty? It's not that you prefer one taste over another, it's just in that moment, it's what you want.

Does he sometimes be affectionate with you first over his daughter too? If he did that, and his daughter felt jealous because now she's not "first", wouldn't you think that's unreasonable?

ConfusedGF's picture

I feel that they shouldn't be doing it at all. I don't feel comfortable being loved in the same way. So I feel there shouldn't be a 1sr or 2nd because it should automatically be different. She should have a different pet name. She should be kissed differently. They should cuddle differently.

ConfusedGF's picture

The replies are so different on this thread I don't know what to think! Some think it's normal and others do not.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

When you say differently... does he make out with his daughter on the lips or something (that would definitely be creepy--but if he just kisses her on the cheek then I don't see an issue)? Does he cuddle her sexually? I mean... when you say cuddle... is she near his crotch? Because when I say my DH (or myself) cuddles with our daughter, her head is on his arm facing either away from him or toward him so the entire length of her body is on his torso. She can be either between us or on his other side or on my other side if I'm doing the cuddling.

If I'm being cuddled, my butt is against DH's crotch and his hands are either on my boob or around my waist. That's definitely entirely different.

On the pet name issue... sorry, in my family we use the same pet names with each other but that should be something that can be easily compromised between you and him--she can be sweetheart and you can be baby or something like that.

Also, this behavior gets slowly weaned off as our daughter gets older, this is something we both agreed and talked about, so we're nowhere near as "cuddly" with her as when she was 2. Then that was no holding back, we kissed and cuddled the crap out of her SO MUCH. There will be even less and eventually none of the type of kissing and cuddling we're doing now once she hits 4-5-6-7. If you don't see it weaning off--then yeah, there's going to be a problem.

ConfusedGF's picture

They kiss on the lips but do not make out. Except for when she tried that one time. She asked for a kiss over and over and kept lingering until he made her stop.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I need to leave. I don't need to make him feel like he's doing something wrong if the majority here thinks everything seems normal. I don't want him to grow to hate me over it. He tends to shut down and totally blame himself if I point out a problem, so talking about it would probably make it worse.

Why do you say you are weaning the cuddles and kisses? Is it because it becomes inappropriate? She will be 4 very soon and maybe he just still sees her as a small baby... Idk I keep making excuses and rationalizing.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

If you don't even give him a chance to compromise by talking about it in counseling, then you're kind of not being fair. Now his new baby will grow up in a broken home too.

To let you know my reference point: DH's dad kissed him on the lips until he was 6, DH's mom never kissed him on the lips, my mom kissed me on the lips until I was in 11. My dad never kissed us more than a peck on the cheek (and even that was pulling teeth). Stopping was initiated by us kids, not by the parents, because we got embarrassed in front of our friends. So yes, some parents always see their kids as their "babies" almost forever if you let them. The reason why we're weaning off of it is more because we don't want BD to be embarrassed in front of her friends nor develop too much of an emotional dependency on us--but trust me, if we could continue with these cuddles and kisses forever and ever with impunity, we probably would.

Also, given the hyper vigilance of America about creepy/pedophilic behavior, we don't really want any of us to be accused of such. Since at 4-5-6, our daughter's verbal skills and comprehension will be improved to the point where we could explain and tell her how much we love her, we could do that instead of physically show her. As a baby with no verbal communication skills nor the ability to comprehend our words, physical affection is one of the only ways to communicate our bond. For the same reason why pointing to something they want is okay for an infant but not for a 5 year old.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Oh great. Is this another troll? You know I was off this site for like 6 months and when I came back it seemed like there was a new one every day.