36 year old who continues to try to get pregnant
A little more background. Years ago, she was given 75,000 as an inheritance. Blew it within 2 years. DH paid for rent, food, whatever while in school as she had no money left. Became a nurse and started working. DH co-signed a car loan which she pays late much of the time. He also paid the car down payment, Gets FURIOUS when DH expresses his anger with late payments. Now, calling us "bullies" as we told her we do NOT support ANOTHER pregnancy. Her current boyfirend is unemployed, has a toddler for which he does not pay, and JUST had ANOTHER baby in February(and he left that mother and child). Got SD pregnant soon after. She fortunately miscarried.However, boyfriend and she stated they "will try again"! She has a young son and never went after his father for child support as she wants to "be friends" with him. She no longer speaks to us, but we don't want grandson to get upset. DH said this time, if she does get pregnant, she is on her own. We are now in therapy. My concern is, if her car breaks down for instance, she won't be able to get to work and he will say: we HAVE to fix the car. Do you see where I'm going? Any thoughts?
Therapy, therapy, and more
Therapy, therapy, and more therapy. Try for twice a week.
Your husband is absolutely crippling his daughter, and of course she's going to use every weapon in her arsenal to manipulate him. Have you asked him to envision what will happen to her and gkids when he's passed on? I have a SIL who's in her fifties and can't take care of herself because daaaady enabled her her whole life. Both of her adult kids are addicts and they are all up sh!t creek without a paddle now that FIL has died.
Two books I've found helpful were Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend and Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. You might also research enmeshment.
If your DH wants to fix the car, see if you can agree to table the matter until it can be discussed in therapy. I think I'd also write out my concerns and goals for therapy, and give that letter to your therapist.
YOU are the one that needs to
YOU are the one that needs to seek private counselling.
This is not your mess. Why is your finite time and energy going into this situation? You are probably too nice. But you didn't do anything to land yourself in this mess. So get yourself out!
But it's not easy, which is why I suggested you will benefit from therapy yourself.
She has called here
She has called here screaming, at the top of her lungs, that he doesn't love her when she can't pay for something. I am always to blame. She and her mother blame me for having her first child. She had asked us what she should do...I told her it was not my decision to make.
Every year, EVERY year, she and her child, come on vacation with us. Of course, she is too poor to pay for anything. She tells everyone I am cheap. I am actually a very generous person. But, I am drawing the line. Her son will often say to us, if we take him out to eat, I'll have two entrees, in case I don't like the first one. I tell him no---and, she and the rest of her family call me cheap. LOL!
I'm at the point where I realize the grandchild has been poisoned against me, so I'm about ready to just call it quits. Only problem is--I worry about the child.
...she's... 36 years old? I'm
...she's... 36 years old?
I'm sorry, I got nothing except this is what I imagine the stereotypical results of Disney Parenting would look like personified in a fully fledged adult.
I hate to say it, but I'll
I hate to say it, but I'll say it anyway. Your DH is not a good father:-( Allowing an adult that is fully capable of supporting herself to use him financially and use you indirectly, is wrong on so many levels. I would surmise he lives in fear of his daughter and has a hard time saying NO!??
Your husband needs to man up and set firm boundaries with his adult daughter.
We are in therapy together.
We are in therapy together. Husband has firmly stated he is DONE! SD no longer speaks to us (this has happened time and time again). But, as I pointed out, I am GONE if he doesn't hold firm this time. I know, ANY day now, she will call with a crisis or to tell him she is pregnant and expect him to congratulate her and the unemployed boyfriend (who JUST had another baby, by another woman,he now has a toddler and a 3 month old!) Therapist suggestd husband write a letter telling SD it's over. He has agreed. He will show it to me before he sends it.
In the letter, he will tell her she blew though 75,000 that was HANDED to her, used us for rent payment for over a YEAR while she was in school, used us for a car downpayment, and used us to co-sign a loan---which she oftn pays LATE. She gets angry when we get upset at paying the loan late? I did not know he co-signed the loan. He did that behind my back.
This is the last straw. Not one penny, no more summer vacations with us, NOTHING. I have diengaged. Told him he can visit her at her house as I do not want to come between them. But, I am no longer going ot be associated with a Jerry Springer person.
That is great that you are
That is great that you are both in therapy. My ex of 3 weeks, gave his ds $250,000 over the years to put into a retirement account. SS48 blew through it a couple of years ago do to alcoholism. He said he has been sober 1 year and my ex gave him a credit card to start using and is thinking of getting him a new car as his dh has been complaining that he does not like his car. The pattern of enabling and taking care of his ds48 continues and it has never wavered. I wonder how many of us here have been successful in putting a stop to the enabling? I lost to my ss. It would be interesting to take a poll as to how many have been successful.
Your dh has been acting like a husband to his dd, he has continued to take care of her financial and emotional needs for a long time that is why she does need a real husband to have the responsibilities of providing for her child and that is why she wants to have another child with a loser. She knows that your husband will take care of her. You sense that he will not be able to say "no". What can you do to ensure that your finances are protected so that he can no longer use them to act like a husband his daughter? Also, look out for his emotional enabling of his dd. It sounds like she knows how to manipulate your dh. The grandson is being used as tool to get what she wants.