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More exclusion from OSD

Disillusioned's picture

OSD just sold her home and bought a new one...funny timing to start because DH & I just sold our home, and moved to a new home in a much smaller town, something we have wanted to do for a while

But the funny thing is, while we kept everyone informed (and are holding a big housewarming party with all of our friends and family invited) OSD doesn't say a word to DH and of course me, about her news

DH finds out second-hand today from FIL that last week OSD & SSIL sold their house and bought the new one

DH mentions it to me and I say, wow that's nice, BUT, I'm thinking that if that were my adult brat that couldn't so much as pick up the phone and tell her father & SM what's going on, but deliberately instead tells it to FIL because she knows DH will hear about it that way (and of course realize another important thing happened in her life that she excluded him from)

It's the games with her that are so immature

YSD would have been on the phone, telling us both excitedly, asking for advise, sending pictures etc...you know, behaving in a normal fashion

OSD uses it as another opportunity to exclude us, insure DH understands he's missing out on everything going on in her life, and embarrass him by having to learn it from other members of his own family that are aware because she has told them, but not him

Personally, if she would my adult brat, when someone mentioned to me that she had sold her home and bought a new one last week I would have said "wow, how nice" and that would be it. I would not call her and kiss her ass like DH is about it, as it just encourages her to continue to do that

Then again, the only time DH ever talks on the phone with her is when he calls her. Maybe she was just waiting for the usual phone call every week or month or so from DH...I don't know, I just don't get her

MollyBrown's picture

Yawn. Always the same from you. God forbid if anyone tries to present the other side and try to get self intersection going. It is a valuable asset that I appreciate was done to me. It's like you like posters to conjure to remain in unhappy situations.

MollyBrown's picture

See? You are trying to discredit my post by changing the topic to Tommer. The post has valid points.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I usually agree to disagree when I read tommar's responses (not that they're wrong but that we just have different POVs) but in this case, I have to say for the OP and her DH to do some self reflection first before judging the SD for wanting to be secretive. I don't doubt it is most likely on purpose that she is excluding the OP and her DH from knowing about her personal life--because my DH and myself are at that point with my MIL.

(I will preface this by saying I don't know much about OP and her DH's relationship with the SD, so I'm only going by what's on the original post.)

We don't tell her anything that's going on in our lives because she always has a goddamn opinion about it or wants to be involved. If the OP can honestly say her and her DH have been nothing but supportive and kind when it comes to the SD's business, then I can see how it can be hurtful.

But as a family on the side of actively trying to exclude my MIL from our lives because she doesn't know what's appropriate or inappropriate to say, nor does she know that her opinion is not needed on everything we do, nor does her pushiness for things to be done "her way" when she is not entitled to such in our lives is the reason we don't tell her anything at all. If it happens to slip out when we're around her, whatever, but otherwise we would not call/proactively inform her.

This is a huge difference in how we approach with my parents (so DH's MIL and FIL)--we love to tell them what we are doing because they are always excited for us, and always let us know we can count on them for anything without telling us how it should be done--just "here are the resources we can provide you, ask us if you need them and we will happily give them." They don't try to make the things we do or things that happen to us about THEM.

Case in point: I had a miscarriage last July. When I told my mom, she was worried and asked if we needed some extra help while we were going through it. We declined and she let us know she is available at all times if anything came up.

When we told MIL, she made it about, "Why is this happening to me? First my sister passes away, now this." (Seriously, this is verbatim.) In that moment, we knew there was only her own pity for herself.

So, not saying this is the way OP and OP's DH are, but that before writing off the SD just being disinterested or selfish, to check their own reactions to when she does bring news. Secrecy is sometimes done out of necessity, and yes, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't sometimes done as a fuck you, if you can't act appropriately, you don't get to know what's going on in our lives to MIL.

Of course, if the SD has always just been a rude brat, then whatever. Who cares if she wants to include her father in her life or not--be glad she isn't asking him to fund it!

notsobad's picture

When we told MIL, she made it about, "Why is this happening to me? First my sister passes away, now this."

Completely off topic and I don't want to hijack the thread but this is BM!!!!

She told SD(26) that she should freeze her eggs because she (BM) wanted to be a grandma soon.
SD said OMG, I'm 26 not 46! And I'm not sure I even want to have kids.
BM told her she was being selfish and that she (BM) deserved to have a grandchild from her!!!

No matter what happens BM makes it about her.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Then ten years down the line, BM will wonder why her daughter never tells her anything. And her possible son-in-law will more than dread any interaction he has with her.

Reminds me of the time MIL was ranting to me about how she "has a right to have her grandson" because BM won't let MIL watch the kid. BM may be crazy, but at least here she has the right idea. I was like, MIL is off her rocker if she thinks she has a "right" to anyone else's child, a grandkid or not.

LOL sorry I guess this is unraveling off topic.

notsobad's picture

I think SD will always talk to her. While they fight and don't agree on everything anymore, SD is still very enmeshed with BM.

It's SS's and his wife I wonder about. He's not married but will be engaged soon and she wants to have 6 kids.
He doesn't tell BM anything anymore because he doesn't want to listen to her cry and complain.

BM complains to SD all the time about how SS is under GFs thumb, doesn't think for himself anymore and only does what GF wants. I can only see that escalating when they get married and have kids.

So sorry about your miscarriage by the way. It's a very hard thing to lose a child, even one you haven't met yet.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Thank you for your kindness. It was hard and DH and I got into a really rough patch after (I like to talk things through when I grieve, he retreats and closes up so while I ended up feeling alone, he felt overwhelmed which is a terrible combo. Marriage counseling helped tremendously when we were on the verge of divorce) and now I'm pregnant again (6 months). Had a bad bleeding scare at like 3 months in but it looks like all is well.

Oh yeah, of course, blame the GF/wife. MIL probably does since she complains her sons never tell her anything anymore when the truth is, her son will have found something more important to protect from BM's crazy--his family.

notsobad's picture

Congratulations! I'm glad you were able to work it out.
Everyone grieves differently and there is no wrong way. I'm happy you found a counsellor who could help you through it.

I think in our case BM taught SS to listen to and make happy the most important woman in his life. BM thought it would always be her but now it's the GF. It's funny she thought she was teaching the skids one thing but in reality they learned something completely different.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

She just doesn't care about you or DH - disengage and stop caring about what OSD is doing. This cannot be good for you to agonize over her behaviour and how she treats your DH.

Disillusioned's picture

Tommar, not true about her not being interested in a relationship with DH, she is spitefully and willfully withholding one - there is a difference.

And as usual, you are assuming a lot, and making lots of false accusations once again.

You don't know a thing about her, clearly, and her only motive is to hurt DH and get a reaction from me

The only reason she isn't close to her Dad is she is jealous bitter person who is a sore loser

But thanks for your consistently rude and completely inaccurate comments LOL

ESMOD's picture

"she is jealous bitter person who is a sore loser"

I don't get the last part. What is she a sore loser about?

Quite frankly, from her actions it seems like she feels like you DH abandoned her and she resents him for that. The little girl in her still wants her daddy's attention but the adult feels that she was given the short end of the stick due to her parents' split and she resents that. Whether it is all true in reality that she has reason to feel that way, from your post, I have a feeling that there is some basis for her resentment due to what appears to be a pretty negative attitude towards her by you.

Yes, her dad still wants to have a relationship with her and make up for all the bad times. It's that bit of unconditional love between a bio and their child. Sometimes it gets all mucked up in a lot of crap but basically, he does want to have a good relationship with her, but since she feels (rightly or wrongly) slighted, her pride won't allow her to reciprocate.

She may not have said anything about the house because she assumed she would get a bad reaction from him/you. She may/may not have been copying you. It might just be that it was a good time for her and her dh? Sometimes it's not so much copying either but when one person buys a new car, it makes the other people look at their own car and think... "hey, I could use a new one too".

The girl has a DH right? Maybe he is a strong opinionated person and he didn't want input from other people and that's why she didn't make the advice call.

I think the bottom line is what a lot of other people have stated. She is taking up too much room in your head. Until she is actually IMPACTING your life, ignore her.

Disillusioned's picture

Yes Lucy91, tommar is actually comical in her continuously antagonist comments. Usually I ignore, but I'm in a humorous mood today!

Disillusioned's picture

Molly, presenting another side is great. Making rude and untrue comments is not. People do not come on this site to put up with that. If there were a way to block specific posters like that I would, the ones that I know never have anything constructive or of value to add.

Disillusioned's picture

Wow you never stop with your lies and bullying do you tommar? Just total crap from you always. If you have an opinion that's one thing, making up crap and adding to it to stir the pot is so pathetic. I seriously feel sorry for you

Willow2010's picture

It is getting extremely old that soooo many blogs are just turned into bash, belittle, name call and humiliate the OP.

And once it starts it just gets worse. If you try to take up for yourself you get REALLY knocked down and your words twisted. If you ignore, then you get belittled. Losing battle and it needs to be cut down some. It has just gotten out of hand. IMHO.

AlreadyGone's picture

I think it makes the entire site and every member of it look bad. If I joined today, and was watching this $hitstorm happening. I wouldn't feel comfortable posting anything. I understand that as individuals we all have differing opinions, and that debate can be a healthy thing but, all of this just doesn't seem necessary. JMHO. It's not the only thread dragging this site down today either.

Disillusioned's picture

That's exactly it wickedsm...I do feel bad for my DH though

Disillusioned's picture

ESMOD you are partly correct in that SD feels abandoned by DH, and it's 100% not the case at all.

And for my part, I went into this relationship with DH wanting very much to have a good relationship with his daughter, and worked very hard at it, only for her to throw a "jealous temper tantrum" - DH's words. And then she gave DH an ultimatum: it was her or me

I say she is a sore loser because DH refused to be bullied into dumping his girlfriend (now wife) because his teenage daughter was jealous of the relationship.

The distaste I have for her now, well she earned that. I've seen how low she can sink and have years of experience dealing with her verbal and emotional abuse of DH and myself

She was apparently a problem child even before her parents ever divorced, and she has progressively become nastier as an adult.

As long as I've known DH (three years after he and BM split) she has always been manipulative including willfully excluding DH (but insuring he hears about every single thing going on in her life through his own family)

I used to feel sorry for her, now, I just feel bad for my DH and all he has had to endure at his unstable daughter's moods

Disillusioned's picture

Well said and great advice StepAside. I totally agree with you! Thanks Smile

And have as good a time as possible out east!

Bethany's picture

Unfortunately, you DID and DO want DH to have a relationship with SD. But, SDs, even as adults, unconsciously or not, are quite nasty to SMs. Disengage. Tell husband to visit SD and her family whenever he wants. But, for your part, just disengage and you will find peace. I've tried for years and finally decided I don't deserve the disrepect and hurt.

We are purposefully forgotten on birthdays, Christmas...anytime. We have NEVER been invited for a dinner in many, many years---ever. It's like we do not exist. So, you can do the same thing. Enjoy YOUR life and forget about her.

sandye21's picture

Disillusioned, I was where you are when I began the disengagement program with SD over 5 years ago. At first I was really frustrated that SD was so self-centered and that DH did not see the obvious. I was only hurting myself by rehashing all of it so I stopped. It takes a bit of self-control but I quit talking to DH about SD - period. I quit asking questions. If he talked about her I just said, "Hmm" and went on my way. Pretty soon he got the message. As time went on, she became an unpleasant, distant memory. She never calls our home, never acknowledges her Dad on Birthdays or holidays. I think it's sad but have allowed DH to handle it on his own. If he chooses to kiss her butt, let him - as long as he does not have the same expectations for me.

It appears your SD has already disengaged from both you and your DH so why not reciprocate, respect her wishes. Allow DH to disengage at his own pace - or not, but stop allowing her to have emotional space in your head. She's not worth it.

sammigirl's picture

I also began my disengagement over 5 years ago. This is FINALLY where I am now. It took mountains of self discipline; but I feel so good about myself and so free of the stress and my mind is clear. There are days, when I don't even think or remember my SD. She lives just up the street and I can't even tell you where, what, or when she is going or coming; she has to drive by our home every day to go to shop, etc. I haven't seen or heard from her in months.

XXXX your fingers my disengagement stays in tact. Don't even know if or when DH talks to or sees her. Don't care either any more.

My SD never stops trying to annoy me with words or actions; I stay away from her and her family. DH does as he pleases.

Sandye21: You and this site have been very helpful to me, so that I can work much more positively on my total disengagement. It takes maintenance, but is going well for the past year, especially.

Good advice here; it does work!

sandye21's picture

Thank you Sammi, but I have to tell you that YOU have been one of the 'gurus' on this site who have helped me to remain disengaged. It IS maintenance but it is well worth it.

JLRB's picture

Sandye21, your words ring so true for me. I have the re-hashing problem too. It's hard to forget her behavior when we told her we were getting married. She was the only guest at our wedding that didn't say a word of congratulations to us! It's hard to forget the stories my husband has told me of how she sided with her mother during her parents divorce and sent her father "hate mail". It's hard to forget how me and her father were the only ones not invited to her baby shower that was held at her house and attended by other mail relatives. It's hard to forget her indifference towards me when both my dad and grandmother died last year.

She's sporadic in her attention to her father. She'll either text him about nothing for days in a row, or ignore him for weeks. She'll text her father pictures of her two year old and God forbid if he doesn't respond with some sort of comment right away. Last year on Father's Day, she planned to come by and we had food ready. She texted an hour after she was supposed to be there saying her daughter was sick and they weren't coming. He was hurt of course. But then she sends him lovey dovey Daddy cards on Valentine's Day signed by just her (she doesn't include her husband or daughter on any card she sends to her father).

Even though my husband says he sees her for what she is, it's still hard to see him kiss her butt from time to time, still trying to seek her attention. I only see her a few times a year, which is fine with me!

sandye21's picture

As Sammigirl wrote, it takes a lot of self control but it is really worth it. When your DH handles it on his own it makes it a lot easier on you. Good luck.

Disillusioned's picture

not2sure, believe me, my DH & I have been nothing but supportive to OSD and she as always been a manipulative brat

We have recently discovered that the real reason she pulled this, this time round, is she is fuming. Why is fuming? We believe because YSD sent me a huge, beautiful bouquet of flowers on Mother's Day, which I posted a picture of on Facebook to my family and friends, and well, guess that ticked OSD off... (not that we are friends on FB, but YSD and I are)

It truly never ends with OSD!

twoviewpoints's picture

How is OSD handling YSD's upcoming wedding and all the light shone on the younger sister the last few months? I half expect OSD to pull a stunt the day of the wedding.

Disillusioned's picture

twoviewpoints funny you ask that, DH I believe is dreading a little the same thing.

Would not put it past OSD one bit to make a big scene, accusing DH and I of all sorts of crap.

And DH is already feeling a little guilty about all the drama and attention focused on YSD, I'm sure he will go overboard trying to make it up to OSD