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YSD wants DH and BM to speak at her Wedding

Disillusioned's picture

Yesterday evening DH & I were on the phone with YSD

She wants me to host a bridal party dinner (that's a whole other post) but in the meantime, we were talking about the wedding - how excited we are etc.. and I joke with her that DH is nervous about walking her down the aisle and so on, and then she says "Oh, I do have something else for Dad to do"

DH had wandered out of the living room so I said "hold on, I'll take the phone to your Dad so you can ask him"

DH takes the phone (it's on speaker) and she asks him if he is going to speak at her wedding.

I was a little surprised and hurt that this request was directed only at DH

I say that because this is the SD who claims to love me so much, refers to me has her 'other mother' sent me huge bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day and just finished requesting I hold a bridal party dinner for her

Not that I had planned to speak at her wedding, nor felt it was my place, but I guess it was just the way she automatically asked DH only I initially felt hurt

Just as I was just brushing that off and telling myself I'm being too sensitive and what's the big deal is she only wants DH to speak, she then add's "Just wasn't sure if you were planning to speak alone Dad, or with Disillusioned, but Mom wants to speak too...." and so on

I got the distinct impression she wanted DH & BM to go up together to speak, and only them

Again, I told myself that is her right and it's not necessarily a put-down to me, she simply wants her parents to speak on her wedding day. What's wrong with that?

Anyway, DH confirmed he was definitely speaking but was humming and hawing about whether with me or not so SD says that if he is going up alone BM will and if he's going up with me then BM will go up with SF, so she needs to know

DH says he will probably go up alone but what is my opinion

So, I said it's really what SD wants. If she wants her parents to go up separately that's fine, if she would like to include the step-parents that's great too, and even if she wants her parents only and to go up together well, it's her day and about her and I think basically that everyone needs to suck it up

DH immediately said there was no way he was getting up to speak with BM, and that he would let YSD know

Although I said what I said (which I think was too much as it is - but DH did ask!) and tried to mean it and think of things from YSD's perspective, I still have to admit I feel hurt. I know that's unreasonable and YSD probably meant no harm, but for some reason it still upset me

And, just the thought of DH and BM getting up to speak together (and thinking BM may well have been behind this one just like some of the other incidents so far this year) just makes me cringe

What do you ladies think?

sandye21's picture

The fact that she said, "Just wasn't sure if you were planning to speak alone Dad, or with Disillusioned,---" tells me she is open to having you go up and speak with DH. Disillusioned, you seem like a very sensitive, caring person, but like me, you might have a tendency to overthink things when the old fear of rejection demon plays with your mind. Accept that you are lucky, your SD obviously loves you. Your DH will inform SD that he will not speak with his ex at his side. It will then be his decision whether he wants to speak with you or not. Maybe you could tell him you want to be there, speaking with him.

WalkOnBy's picture

I think you might be overreacting. Traditionally, the father of the bride gives a toast at the reception. Is that what she's talking about?

At DD25's wedding, Asshat walked her down the aisle, DD25's MIL and I did the readings during the ceremony, Money-Ka did nothing and DD25's FIL also gave a toast at the wedding.

Her MIL and FIL hosted the rehearsal dinner, as is also tradition.

Is it possible that she is just following tradition???

ETA: my DH did nothing formal at the ceremony, but DD25 DID dance with him during the father-daughter dance. She started with Asshat and then came over to get DH. He had no idea it was coming. I did Smile

Disillusioned's picture

No tommar, they get up together on stage/at head table, and do a speech together...

Disillusioned's picture

Thanks StepAside for putting that into perspective

And yes I've been telling myself I'm being unreasonable, yet still was feeling hurt. I feel better reading your comments - although sad for you because I don't think you have ever deserved your SD's treatment of you

I have one SD that treats me like yours does so I know it sucks, but, the funny thing is with her I don't get hurt. In her case, I know 100% how she feels and have zero expectations, so if she were to do that I wouldn't think twice about it.

And funnily enough, the other SD who is the exact opposite of her and has been so great, I tend to get hurt by her actions from time to time....and mostly because with her I think my expectations are higher - yes too high

Good advice, thank you

Disillusioned's picture

That's funny wickedsm, that's what I was thinking too.

Father of the bride usually make a speech, Mom's not so much. And yet YSD was making it clear that whatever DH did BM was going to do as well....she didn't speak at OSD's wedding, so not sure why it's so important now. Unless she knew then there was no way I would be getting up to say anything at OSD's wedding, but now thinks in the event I just might at YSD's, she will get up too...?

twoviewpoints's picture

This daughter is very different than OSD.

She seems to be trying very hard to be considerate of both parents and her stepparents. I believe she genuinely cares about all of you.

GottaLaugh's picture

Your SD sounds extremely considerate, almost overly so and is trying her best to please everyone. Let DH sort the speeches with his daughter, you stay out of it other than host the bridal shower and have a fantastic day at the wedding. Wished I had such a considerate SD.

Disillusioned's picture

Thanks for the good feedback everyone, I think I most definitely may be over-reacting, especially after reading your comments. Feeling much better now!

enuf's picture

Good! You are very fortunate to have a Dh that is supportive of your feelings and a SD that does not shun you or take every opportunity she can to make your life miserable because she wants Daddy to herself. Lucky, Lucky, You!

Disillusioned's picture

It is all rather odd beaaccountable

BM didn't speak at OSD's wedding, just DH did, but now at YSD's wedding whatever DH does BM must do....not sure if this is coming from BM or YSD but whatever

And as for the 'bridal dinner' originally it was supposed to be a shower for my family, along with friends of DH & I (ones that wouldn't necessarily come to the wedding - just due to sheer number of people LOL) Future SSIL's mother hosted a bridal shower for her friends and family and friends which was nice, but did not include the bridal party or any friends of YSD's....next thing I know YSD is asking me instead of a weekend bridal shower, could I hold a bridal dinner, and hold it the evening before the wedding

I will do this for YSD, but I agree, the whole thing is sort of different LOL