I do not want to admit it but I am starting to hate my stepson....
Hello, I am a father of 2 boys, one who is my own and is 3 years old and my stepson who is 10 years old. First a little back ground I guess. I met my wife about 10 years ago and we have been married for 3 years now. When we first met her son was about 10 months old. I have always liked kids and looked forward to being a father. the first 8 years where great for the most part. The usual ups and downs with any family but we took them in stride. My SS always seen me as dad. The second word out of his mouth was dad (right after mom). Even when his bio father came back in the picture he still considers me dad. He does see his bio dad in Calgary every other holiday and for a couple weeks at Christmas and summer break. The Bio dad only came into the picture about 5 years ago when he seen that my wife was prob going to marry me in the long run. But that's another story... The last 2 years have been progressively getting worst with my SS. We don't run what you would consider a tight ship but he do set firm ground rules. The thing is he seems to fight us at every turn now. He will not listen to what we say, will not do his 3 chores with out us asking him every day and even then its a fight. Most of the time he will not clean up after himself, and this is after we tell him every day the same things, "take your dishes to the sink", "don't leave your shoes at the front door", " if you take something out put it back after" and etc. The worst part is he acts totally different for both my wife and me. For me usually I have to ask him to do these things every day and he will, but for his mother he will fight to the death over everything she ask of him. Almost to the point of her having a nervous breakdown due to the stress of constant battling. Almost every day after work I come home and she is almost in tears over the way he treats her. This is getting so bad that my 3 years old is starting to give her heck as well. She has even called me crying saying that she thinks the kids hate her and she doesn't know what to do. I am a very patient person but this is taking me to the breaking point. Seriously every day we fight for over a hour with my SS to do his 3 chores that will only take 10 mins to do if he just did them instead of fighting, or having to go to the bathroom right at the time do to the dishes and so forth. I am at the point where I feel like I hate him, which is extremely hard to say.... The way he lies to me, doesn't listen, starts crying at the drop of a hat and tell US that we hate him but soon as we start to feel sorry he takes advantage of us and then just seems to do what ever he wants no matter what the punishment. Long story short it was bad enough today that I searched the web looking for a site like this to ask advice and to vent a little..... Well that's the short compressed version of the story, if anyone has advice I would greatly appreciate it.
Second this. This is the only
Second this. This is the only way.
Also, not saying that OP does these things, or his wife does these things, but children mimic. If they see one (or both) of the parents always contradicting the other when asked to do things, they will follow.
I'm sorry for your wife, it sounds like she was/is not equipped to handle her children as far as methods of dealing with discipline. Kids can smell weakness and fear and doubt, and unfortunately it looks like your wife has all three, so the kid is taking advantage of it. Calling you on the phone, crying? Thinking her kids hate her? It sounds like she has anxiety issued of her own and would do well to look up some methods of dealing with defiant children and firmly stick to them or they would have no effect (and possibly, a worse effect.)
"Kids can smell weakness and
"Kids can smell weakness and fear and doubt, and unfortunately it looks like your wife has all three, so the kid is taking advantage of it."
I think this is very true. My brother's wife is like this. My brother can get his 3yo son to do most anything but when my SIL tries to do the same thing, it takes FOR.EVER.
Just her getting the kid dressed to go out the door is a struggle for her. my brother has started to lose his patience that his wife can't get her act together and that she is getting angry and losing her cool with the boy. In your case, you are resenting the boy (who isn't your bio) for causing the stress in the home. The fact of the matter is that your wife's parenting style is what is most likely causing the issues and why it is starting to bleed over to your younger son.
I think that the suggestion to remove privileges is a good one. You need to help your wife understand that only by you both being 100% consistent and presenting a united front will it work. As for him needing to go to the bathroom when it's dish time, no problem, dishes can wait for him to get out:)
I don't think this issue is too much because he is not your bio kid. In fact, given the fact that you were his only father figure for much of his life and he only has limited contact with his BD even now, you are most likely who he sees as his primary father figure.
I don't think what you are seeing is all that unusual in his behavior. Even my 18 yo stepdaughter still needs to be reminded (repeatedly..lol) to do certain things.
Also, it might not work with
Also, it might not work with your older one, (or maybe it would too, who knows) I read an awesome parenting tip that if you find a child seemingly ignoring you when you ask them to do something, instead of losing your cool, you say the words, "Look at me" or "Pay attention to me" and then repeat what you said when they have their eyes on you.
I can't tell you how often it has saved us from disciplining our BD (who is 3) for not "listening" to us when the truth is, she was so engrossed in whatever she was doing that she didn't "hear" us. No yelling, no crying, no confusion for the kid as to why all of a sudden mommy and daddy are mad when they didn't give any indication before. For some reason, the words "Look at me" and "Pay attention to me" coming out of a parents mouth strikes something deep within children. It's REALLY weird. Even when calling her name doesn't work, this will.
My MIL is like your brother's wife. The worst part is, after a visit with MIL, BD will be defiant to us for a little bit after (like half a day) and we have to "reprogram" her. DH is starting to lose his cool with his mom because she also can't get her shit together. Not only that, she thinks her way is the "right" way because she wants BD to love her the most. Drives us crazy.
The thing that sucks is that
The thing that sucks is that growing up my dad had a fairly bad temper and would erupt over the smallest things at times. I remember one time coming home from seeing a movie with my mom and dad. My mom had stopped at McDonald's and bought him (dad)a Big Mac meal on the way home. He became so enraged that I remember my brother and I crying in the car with my mom as my dad smashed the burger on the window of the car while he was yelling at her. So, my brother is really sensitive to kids being exposed to "rage". He wants to raise his kid in a loving environment without the conflict we had growing up.
So, when the SIL looses her cool and yells at the child for not doing what she wants, he gets mad at her. The kid has his mom's number and can make her loose it intentionally. He is a smart kid and they know when they can push buttons.
Everyone loses their cool
Everyone loses their cool sometimes. I know I get pissed at DH when he gets louder at BD but saying the same thing. I wasn't raised in a family of yellers, so I know it's not necessary to yell to get someone to do what you need to do.
Yeah, so your nephew will make his mom yell to take the heat off of his behavior. Man, kids are really something else. BD is just starting to get to that age where, if I or DH say no, she'll come and ask the other parent. We always have to remember to check with each other to be a united front or else this can spell disaster in a few years.
I call it Opinion Shopping
I call it Opinion Shopping and my younger SD18 is great at it. She will come to me and ask for permission. I will tell her she needs to ask her grandmother who she is currently living with if it is ok for her to stay somewhere overnight for example. She will then call her grandmother and ask her and say she already spoke to me about it.. sortof implying that I was ok with it. Dad works out of town where he doesn't have phone or email access (literally none at times) so generally it is up to us. She also will sometimes do the quadfecta (instead of trifecta) of shopping her BM, Granny, DH and me. She knows that we won't talk to the BM..lol. so she has pretty good odds of getting the answer she wants by division.
I call her on it now when she does it. She is 18 now and can make her own decisions within reason, but is currently living at the grandparent's house (proximity to her job) so I have told her she needs to follow their rules in their home and be aware of their feelings and that they deserve to know where she is.
I LOVE that! Opinion
I LOVE that! Opinion shopping, that's exactly what it is.
Sorry to hear this. Am kind
Sorry to hear this. Am kind of in the same situation but have been involved since SS was 6. He calls me dad and all but I feel your pain and share your feelings. He is 21 now and it hasn't gotten any better. Good luck with it as the teen years are going to be awful with him.
I'm going to start using
I'm going to start using this, "Never pass a good opportunity to shut up."
If it was me and I had a DS who said that, I'd probably start counting out loud. And when he asks me what I'm doing, I will say, for every time you smart mouth back to me, that's an extra day you lose your privileges. Want to keep talking? I do that for DH sometimes because he also often doesn't know when you shut his yap and not be annoying for the sake of being annoying.
Of course, his privileges means I don't cook and no sex.
As Jasper mentioned too. He
As Jasper mentioned too. He has to have structure and you have to be consistent anytime. We couldn't ever give SS an inch as he would take a foot. Get your wife on side and set a game plan that has no room for maneuvering and stay the course. This should help out until the teen years at least.