Disengaged - but a dilemma with birthday!
I am pretty much disengaged from my SO's adult 26D. But here's my current dilemma which some of you practicing disengagement might be able to help with.
My SO's birthday is coming up within the next 10 days. More than a week ago, and then again a few days ago, I asked if there were any special plans he had for his birthday. (I did not ask if he had heard from SD and if she wanted to see him on his birthday, because it's not my business.) But I figured I would at least ask, as a courtesy, in case he had heard from SD25. I also wanted to give him the chance to reach out to HER if he wanted to.
He said he had no plans or special desires. I asked if he would like to go out for a nice dinner (my treat) to one of his favorite restaurants which is not cheap. He seemed good about it and said sure, but I could also see in his eyes a bit of trepidation - probably wondering when he would hear from his princess. But he did not say anything other than, "Sure!"
A couple we are friends with know it's SO's birthday and I am thinking of inviting them to join us. Since I am extending an invite to them, and since it's part of my gift to SO, I intend to pick up the tab. I need to make reservations now as it's a popular place.
The dilemma comes in if SD finally contacts SO a day or so before his birthday as she usually does. I am afraid he may want to try and include her and her current gold digger boyfriend. Obviously, I will only have a reservation for four. He will probably say something like, "SD25 sent me a text and wants to see me for my birthday."
How do you handle situations like that when you are disengaged? Is a simple, "Oh I'm so sorry she didn't contact you earlier. The reservation is only for four. And since I invited (couple) as our guests, I intend to pay the tab. I wasn't counting on SD and her BF. Maybe you can arrange to see SD on another night."
I know this is purely speculative at this point but want to have my prospective disengaged ducks in a row.
Thoughts?
****THIS****
****THIS****
Will he not just tell his
Will he not just tell his daughter that he has plans?
I think what you said above as your example is perfect, but I would stop after, "The reservation is only for four." Whether you are paying or not, SD and her BF were not invited and he knows that.
Now, if he were to push the issue, hoping to call the restaurant and change the reservation, then I would tell him no, because you are paying.
Frankly, it would irritate the hell out of me for him to even think it would be okay to invite them, especially at the last minute. It's his birthday but this dinner if from you.
I am just thinking about DH's reaction if my SD24 were to say she wanted to see him on his birthday. He would laugh his ass off, as she has NEVER made an effort to see him on his birthday. Or even call, usually.
I continually have the same
I continually have the same type of concerns and sometimes these things actually arise. The Skids know then can call and parent may drop everything to be with them. i used to jump through hoops to accommodate DO NOT CAVE in! You will be setting a precedent and also if you are trying to disengage it sends another signal. Now I pre-empt and ask DH "are you okay with just the 4 of us because there are others involved, if not please let me know and make arrangements to see your daughter". I feel what you are going through--it is always tricky and difficult. Good luck.
No problem. You can do
No problem. You can do whatever SD has planned.
Couple and I will toast you in absentia.
Something like this happened
Something like this happened to me exactly one time. DH decided that pissing off his wife by being untrustworthy was a dickhead move.
Thanks for your input,
Thanks for your input, everyone! I do think that part of disengagement is to NOT let any skid issues or opinions cloud whatever plans you make it life - whether it be a birthday dinner or where to move upon retirement. Disengagement does indeed take practice and guidance from others like all of you :-), in order for it to work. And I agree - caving in to skids should NOT be an option!
I agree with the majority,
I agree with the majority, make the plans, let him know all the details and if SD tries to pull something and DH chooses her over you then just go to dinner with your friends and have a good time without him! Even if it pisses him off...oh well...that will teach him to choose his brat over his wife. NEVER let skids or an idiot skid-loving DH ruin ANYTHING...DO YOU!!!
I would tell DH as soon as
I would tell DH as soon as you make the reservations, your plans; if SD calls or comes up with a spoiler, just ask DH if he can do it the day or evening before; can he do it the day or evening after; because you have invited guests and it would be rude to cancel. If you decide to just do DH and you, I would still stick to your plans, let them set a different date and time for their celebration.
If your DH decides to go with SD and ruin your dinner; just go with your friends anyway, no explanation needed, except the truth (DH has decided to spend the evening with his daughter). Then let it go and move forward.
Disengagement for me is stick to your boundaries and taking it one event at a time; being true to yourself and no games or lies.
Good Luck
This disengagement is a good deal of maintenance. :O
Yep! The man in this couple
Yep! The man in this couple had a previous relationship which he ended because the woman would constantly change plans, cut him out, etc. based on the whims of her two ADULT, MARRIED children. He would certainly understand without any further explanation from me!
When my DH turned 60 I
When my DH turned 60 I planned a very expensive dinner (chef's table) at a great 5 star restaurant. SS was not included under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Although he would have loved to have been there.
I do not give a sh*t what SS wants to intrude upon. And fortunately my DH does not put any stupid demands on me either. DH would LOVE for me to include SS in our lives. But he is fully cognizant of SS's many flaws so he does not push it.
I still maintain that 90% of the problems with skids are due to their parents.
At least your DH recognizes
At least your DH recognizes his kid is flawed. Most do not - thus your statement that 90 percent of problems are due to parents, is spot-on.
This is all just so weird to
This is all just so weird to me, as my DH would never let his daughter intrude upon or change any plans we have.
Neither would my dad hesitate to tell me that he has plans with his wife, if I called him up to do something. He wouldn't feel obligated to invite me and I sure wouldn't expect him to.
And I have a pretty dysfunctional family! I guess not as dysfunctional as some. Who woulda thunk?
LOL Yes, in my family we all
LOL Yes, in my family we all readily admit we're a bunch of nutty dysfunctionals! The fact that we admit it somehow makes us more "normal" than those that try to hide it!
Update: Tonight at dinner, I remind SO that per our earlier discussion, I've made the dinner reservations. He has that "look" in his eyes again. So I prod him, "Is that OK? That is where you wanted to go to dinner, right?" Well, yes ... he says. I prod him again, "It looks like you may not be so certain; you don't seem enthusiastic?" Here's the kicker (and one we all knew was coming...
"Well, I just don't know yet if SD will be wanting to come over or not. She may not know if she will have to work." So I asked him, "Have you heard from her?" No, he said. (It's less than a week away at this point.) "Have you reached out to her?" No, he said again. I know he won't because she drives the train. Always. Waiting for her to get her work schedule is a classic BS excuse. She uses it all the time. Caught her before when she's said she had to work, then she slips up and says she was at a party or other event with her friends.
Yes, folks, same old crap. Needless to say, I didn't say another word. As far as I'm concerned, the reservations stand. I am going to follow the advice of everyone here. If he doesn't want to go to the birthday dinner I've already planned with friends, then I will go with them alone and enjoy myself immensely.
He can see her on another
He can see her on another day. Life will go on if he doesn't spend his actual birthday with his grown ass daughter.
I would also go with the friends alone and enjoy myself immensely, but boy, would I be one pissed off bitch the next day (and maybe many days). And next year, I would plan nothing.
Yes indeed, and if it happens
Yes indeed, and if it happens that I go alone, well the delicious cocktails will be flowing!
Yum! Now, I want to go with
Yum! Now, I want to go with you!
Keep in mind, this won't be
Keep in mind, this won't be easy, but stick to your plans and never mention to DH your good time. It will drive him crazy, if you just mention "It was a nice dinner", and drop it.
My DH will never give me an answer for all the same reasons....SD's plans. I never leave the house, that I don't invite him to go with me. For the past two years, I go ahead with my plans and mostly have had to travel, to a neighboring State, to spend time with my family, alone. I was so hurt and lonely, but I appreciate the independent, peaceful time alone. It's not fair; but come to find out my DH is sitting home alone waiting for SD to come by or call. He might see her one hour out of three days, that I'm away; when he could have spent three days relaxing with me. He likes my family, there is no problem there. I almost hope he doesn't go now, I get some down time from the stress that DH and SD create; but again, I always invite him.
Keep us posted on how your dinner went.
I just cannot believe how
I just cannot believe how ridiculous these men get over their friggin kids...it is insane the amount of power and control these men allow their kids to have in their daily lives...thankfully my DH told his spawn that he and I always celebrate our birthdays together, alone! I told my DH that I wanted to spend his birthday, my birthday weekend and our anniversary weekend SKID free...he agreed w no prodding or fighting...I suppose if I have to be stuck with a skid I loathe eowe I will take what I can get...