Feedback appreciated
You know the drill....in stepmother land, everything I do I seem to question whether how Im feeling, doing, acting like is the right thing to do as they arent my kids and nor did I raise them. Backstory: SS16 was moved out of living FT with his father by a manipulative BM...not so he lives with her, so he can live in a flat on his own and share it with a friend!!!!! SS16 has tried to commit suicide twice; the last time (and nearly succeeded) the other month. At least now the authorities have diagnosed SS16 has a Borderline Personality Disorder (and I believe BM is diagnosed) although he refuses to live with one of his parents as he wants to do his own thing. I suspected his diagnosis for a while now, so Im relieved that at least there's a reason for his destructive behavior. Other than that, when SS16 is lucid, we get along fine. He is however ignoring me atm...thats ok..Im not of any value to him so until he needs something, he will continue to ignore me. Ive stopped reaching out.
SD19 and SD22 are dead to me now. Their manipulative behavior over the years has been appalling, and DH has NEVER held them accountable for their behavior, but instead insists that I am held accountable for what i say and do. typical! We separated after only 6 months of being married as a result, and he and SS16 moved out to live in a rental. We have since reconciled and SS16 now lives independently thanks to BM.
So I shut my mouth now. 110%!! I dont ask about his kids, I dont mention their names, I dont ask what they are up to...to try and get rid of the negative energy in our home. DH and his kids are pretty enmeshed though with all three working for him at times (he owns his own business), his eldest daughter is the director of his company and the middle daughter just seems to help herself to "our" assets like the camper van to stay in and use for extended lengths of time (she surfs).....
So now because of my disengagement, DH doesnt tell me anything nor will he keep me informed about whats happening in his life which involve his kids which is a big part of his life. For example I noticed the camper van parked outside BM's house the other day as the first time I realized SD19 has the van. DH didnt inform me. He just gives it to her indefinitely. I was upset as now it means we cant go camping as I was hoping we could on our first free weekend..and DH is now likely to say he cant because of xyz...as he dosnet want to argue about his preference going to his daughter. So I miss out. and i hate him not letting me know. we are supposed to be married. Its like Im this secret hidden mistress that he comes home to everyday, but his real life and activities are with his kids. We dont do anything. and when I suggest something to do, hes got a reason not to do it (well we cant because his kids have the camper van)...it shit me too as SD19 expects to have every time shes down too and this time (because of SS16's suicide attempt) it looks like she s staying in town indefinitely. so she needs to be catered for and lord knows how she is supporting herself as she would only be working in dribs and drabs when DH can give her a shit. I am kept separate from his company and am not involved in even helping him out anymore (I used to help out all the time)....
Am I right to feel pissed off at the way he seems to favour his kids and not even consider my feelings about the matter? Ha! Ive just re read what Ive typed. Of course he doesnt care and just hopes I dont rock the boat as he likes it the way it is (where he can be the hero to his kids and come home to some booty from me). He didnt care before when he threw me under the bus and supported SD22's feelings over his own wife's (after she accused me of harassing her and I could prove that I wasnt with my text I sent...(when I sent an inquiry about when she was planning to pay me the $1K she owed me)...but he didnt want to see my text but instead ran to defend his princess' feelings as she was upset I had to nerve to ask about the money she owed me (it was 4 weeks overdue and I had bills to pay too)...I was livid and we ended up breaking up over it. I was just hoping he would finally be considering my needs as his wife first?? But clearly he still feels responsible to provide for his adult children and tough if I would like the same privilege. His enmeshment in his kids lives is getting to me and I find im emotionally pulling away (because when I try and explain how I feel..he thinks im jealous of them). My three daughters do not treat my DH like this (and I wouldn't allow it anyway) and nor are our lives enmeshed in anyway. They are all independent and would rather starve than ask me for a handout.
We have separate bank accounts and we both contribute equally into a household account even though he makes more than me. He has refused to "support me financially" when I wanted to drop to three days a week instead of FT (Im a teacher) so I can go back and do some more study. He said I need to get a second job then to support myself instead. ok. now i know where I stand with him. But Ive challenged him when he pays for SD22's rent (and now I no longer have access to his accounts). Sigh. This isnt the marriage I signed up for and feel lead on by him that things would change.
I would leave. Go re read
I would leave. Go re read what you wrote, especially about the sepearate accounts and how you support yourself. Go support yourself and live a peaceful life. And, stop giving him booty.
See this is the thing that
See this is the thing that confuses me here on Steptalk....as most people seem to advocate having separate "everything".....so to be clear then...you're saying its not a good thing?
I am all for seperate
I am all for seperate accounts. I am also for loving, supportive marriages with shared goals.
You wrote this 'We have separate bank accounts and we both contribute equally into a household account even though he makes more than me. He has refused to "support me financially" when I wanted to drop to three days a week instead of FT (Im a teacher) so I can go back and do some more study. He said I need to get a second job then to support myself instead. ok. now i know where I stand with him. But Ive challenged him when he pays for SD22's rent (and now I no longer have access to his accounts)."
This is not an indication of a loving, supportive marriage.
Your own words make your marriage seem like you are just there for sex while supporting yourself, while he does what he wants.
Wow, just wow! My DH also
Wow, just wow! My DH also continues to support adult skids. He has put us in financial messes because of giving them our bill money or by taking out loans for them. He has also borrowed from his retirement for the oldest one's wedding. We met with a financial advisor a month ago and he was told how far behind he is with his retirement funds-duh!
Sometimes it helps to hear it from a professional and not your wife.
Most recently we were out of town for ten days and he gave the 20 year old his brand new leased car. He is not on the insurance and does not live with us. We are paying his bills and DH and I had a big fight over that one. There was no reason for him to give him the car to use as he has a car and if there was an accident we would be responsible. I worried the entire trip over the car! I have tried not to ask about them or what is going on but if I don't keep things in check on this end we would be in the poor house. DH feels that he must "help his kids". Listen we all want to help our kids but there comes a time when you have to say No, I can't, I just don't have it. So I have taken over the finances. I took all of the credit cards. My DH is on a weekly budget and what he chooses to do with that money is on him. If he wants to give his "allowance" to his adult kids go for it. He knows that I am working on getting out of the financial mess that he created by "helping" them. I told him that if he would say no once in a while that they would stop asking. Trust me BM is behind a lot of the financial requests. I have no problem helping out when we can but we are still paying for debts from when they were in high school.
DH has also learned recently that if he is not the one reaching out that they don't reach out to him unless they want something.
I am cordial to them but I will not allow myself to be hurt by the skids any longer. I keep them at an arms length.
I encourage my DH to have a relationship with them. I encourage him to call them. But then I will also say "why don't you not call them and see how long it takes for them to call you".
I love my husband and I love our life. I buy the skids Christmas and birthday gifts. I am cordial. I no longer strive for that big happy family...it isn't going to happen. I don't call them. I acknowledge special occasions in their lives with a card and if called for a gift but I do not attend any functions as I truly know that I am not wanted and why should I be uncomfortable. As soon as I hear the upcoming date I make plans to go out of town. No one has ever been the wiser.
The only time that DH and I ever fight is about his ex or the skids. And 9 times out of 10 it is because of money that he is giving to them.
One of the other things that I have found helpful is to make plans for just the two of us. I plan weekend trips away. I plan day trips away. It's never anything that costs very much but we have time together and away from the stress of the skids, the finances and his ex. I don't have any words of wisdom. Somehow you and DH need to become a team again. You should have access to his bank account, you are his wife after all. Start talking about the future with him and make sure that you are on the same page and have the same goals. I would really be upset that he is not willing to support you returning to school. I would want to have a serious discussion about that one. However I will say that my adult daughter is taking on line classes, working full time and raising three little ones pretty much by herself. Maybe you could do the online courses or attend classes over the summer when you are not teaching (if you have the summer's off). You can't change the skids they are who they are. Will they change as they get older? My oldest skid did not change. I know that she hates me and she pretends to like me. She is two faced to everyone. So, I pretend to like her too. Not all actresses are in Hollywood! The middle skid once she got away from her older sister she seems to be genuine. Arms length on this one. I could get sucked in and there has been enough hurt in the past by them. The youngest is 20 and we say hello and goodbye and that is about it. If I had more than a two minute conversation it would be a lot. Don't know what this one thinks of me nor do I care. DH asked the other day if something would happen to him would I stay in touch with the skids. Hate to hurt his feelings but no. I am not in touch with them now. LOL.
I cannot believe you took him
I cannot believe you took him back. The guy continues to disrespect you and for some reason you seem to think you deserve to be treated that way. He is showing you by his actions where you fit in his life - and it is after his kids.
He is never going to put you first. Think about it - he wasn't willing to contribute more to the household so you could cut back your hours and return to school - but he is more than happy to financially support his adult children. That is completely backwards.
You deserve so much more than he is willing to give you. Dump the guy for good and get on with your life.
I was surprised, Stormy, to
I was surprised, Stormy, to see you back in this family dynamic. I thought you had left the craziness. Guess I missed a few posts.
They have a family. You are a satellite.
AND, that group is still a bunch of friggin' selfish nutjobs. DH's comments about 'getting a second job' rather than temporarily change, tells you everything you need to know. He's done. D-O-N-E. You are relagated more in the roommate with benefits role than beloved, cherished wife role.
Sometimes, we keep returning to a situation even when we know it's silly because we haven't quite got that lesson down yet. Girl, get gone.
I think you need to go back
I think you need to go back and read your last few post over the last year.
You come full circle and nothing changed he still treating like muck on his show, putting his brats first.
He still using you for meeting his needs (which his children can't meet) while all the time doing nothing for you.
Do you really want to spend the next 20 plus years like this or do you want to do what you want, your schooling, your work like reduction to make you happy.