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My Stepson Touched My Daughter

stimpe's picture

Let me start from the beginning. My SS has been a little 'strange' his whole life. He's struggled with ADHD and sensory processing disorder (I think that's what it's called) and even as little one was apparently very difficult to handle. When he was 8, I was helping him find a nice outfit to wear for a holiday. He had come into his room after taking a shower, wrapped in a towel and I was going through his closet looking for an outfit. I turned around to put the clothes on his bed, and he was masturbating in front of me, and didn't stop when I told him he couldn't do things like that in front of other people. His reasoning was that he "didn't like it soft." I told DH and he dismissed it as typical boy behavior. He's now almost 13, and about a year ago he was accused by his (then) 7 year old stepbrother (his mother's stepson) of making him pull down his pants so he could "put his mouth on his pee-pee." DH and BM each talked to my SS separately, and then a third time together. SS vehemently denied this. This past Christmas, one of our young nephews came to me and said that my SS had started to unzip his pants in front of them. I took him aside and told him that this behavior was completely unacceptable, as did DH. Now we're up to the present. Ever since the accusations of his stepbrother, I have been extremely careful about not allowing my SS13 and DD7 in the same room alone together (they are step-siblings).

A few days ago, I had told my DD to do her homework. I heard the two of them giggling, and went upstairs to separate and check on them. My SS was on her bed with her, lying down, and DD was sitting up with her homework in her lap. I told SS to leave the room so she could do her homework. He got up off the bed, and I immediately noticed a massive erection. I sent him to his room, and briefly went to my bedroom to collect my thoughts. I called DD to my bedroom, and asked her what happened. She explained that he touched her privates with his finger on top of her clothes. I asked her to show me on a doll, and she mimicked what she had told me. DH came home right around this time so we told him what happened. DH spoke with SS, who denied anything at first. DH told him it was imperative that he be 100% honest. He admitted to touching DD. DH asked him about his stepbrother's previous accusation, and he admitted that it also did happen. DH immediately took SS to his BM's home, as obviously the two children need to be separated.

I called CPS the following morning, and they visited our home and did a "forensic interview" with my daughter in their facility this morning. They are doing a wonderful job addressing the issue and working toward getting both children the help that they need. They have reiterated to myself and DH that we are doing everything right, and that we are not at fault.

Here's where my biggest struggle is. I get sick to my stomach at the thought of SS. I don't want him around my child, ever again. The idea of being anywhere near him absolutely disgusts me. I don't want to feel that way, but I do. His feelings are not worth my DD's safety. DH is making arrangements to visit SS, in an effort to prevent him from feeling "left behind" because there is a possibility that he has been a victim of someone else. Rationally, I completely understand everything DH says. Emotionally, I feel resentment when DH mentions his name, goes to see him, or wonders out loud what is going to happen to him. I want to scream, "What about what is going to happen to DD and how this is going to affect her entire life???" Part of me blames DH and BM for not taking action when the stepbrother's accusations first came into light. I don't want to blame him. He is doing everything he can do to ensure that both children feel loved, not abandoned, and that they get help. He's also being pulled in every direction, by DD, SS, me and BM. DD is highly intelligent and gifted, but at her age still isn't fully aware of what actually happened. I try to keep her from seeing me upset, but to say I am devastated is an understatement. I don't have anyone to talk to, and I don't know what to do. And I feel so guilty for hating a child that was likely a victim too.

stimpe's picture

The difference is he knew his actions were wrong. He actually asked my husband to keep it secret from his mother. A year ago he forced his much younger stepbrother to allow him to do something unspeakable. This is not the curiosity of an innocent child. This is behavior that could lead to criminal charges as an adult. So, no, I am definitely not overreacting. Like others have said, he's twice her age.

z3girl's picture

I also disagree.

13 is way too old. My DH lost his virginity at 13, and I know many other people who also said they had sex at that age as well.

I think OP should feel lucky that she caught this when she did (clothes on) but definitely no more contact with SS and her DD.

Maybe OP and her DH should try counseling to work through these feelings. It does sound normal to have these feelings after an incident like this.

Willow2010's picture

He is almost 13. Not a small child. He molested a small child. If he was 7 and touching and being touched by a 7 year old or 13 and being touched and touching a 13 year old...that would be curiosity. But a 13 year old touching a 7 year old privates is molestation any way you look at it.

OP you are not over reacting. I would be done at this point with SS. At least until he was much older. DH can still have a relationship (and you will have to deal with that). But I would not let him hurt my kid again.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

What does CPS say? You need to protect your DD. SS should not be allowed in the home if DD is there - PERIOD.

This is not the first time something like this happened and it won't be the last.

stimpe's picture

CPS has suggested keeping them separated at least until the investigation is over and he is receiving proper help. I don't even want him in my home if a therapist clears him to be here. The problem is that I'm sure BM will raise Hell if he's "cleared" and I still refuse, not that I care what she has to say about it.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Let her raise hell. Oh well. Your duty as a mother to your daughter trump any and everything she could possibly say.

robin333's picture

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I would not be able to have SS around my DD ever. Sexual predators don't stop. I would not take that chance regardless of how muchI love DH. And your DH needs to be doing everything to help SS.

I'm so sorry for your situation, I have no advice of overcoming the feelings you have. Please protect your DD.

stimpe's picture

I honestly don't think leaving my husband will make the situation better, especially since he has done everything in his power to protect my daughter, and to get his son the help he needs. SS will not be allowed in our home anymore, we have both agreed to that. He may not be her BF, but he is her daddy and ripping her away from him will do more harm than good. If he were to refuse to respect the situation and demand I allow SS to come back, that would be a completely different story...

And that doesn't diminish the love I have for my daughter, either.

robin333's picture

It's not so much about ending your marriage to punish DH or DD but protecting your DD. I don't think you can 100% guarantee that SS will never be around DD.

stimpe's picture

CPS was informed by me the day after the incident with my daughter. There is an open investigation and they are getting my daughter help as well as getting SS every bit of help he needs. Myself, DH, BM and her husband are all on the same page as far as keeping the kids separated and getting them both proper treatment. SS swears no one has touched him, which I'm sure a lot of victims do. Or it could be possible that he has blocked out the trauma or doesn't remember. I'm not sure what will come to light when he begins treatment, but no matter what, he will not be allowed near my child ever again.

Disneyfan's picture

If you think that man is going to keep his son out of his home FOREVER for sake of his stepkid, you're kidding yourself. He's saying what you want to hear right now because he's hurt and in shock.

You had THREE cases over the years of this kid acting out with you and two other kids. Why didn't call CPS when the other kids were touched?
What happens if mom dies or can't have the kid in her home?

stimpe's picture

FIRST of all, you're ASSUMING that he considers my daughter to be his stepchild. He's been in her life since she was a baby. He considers her HIS child, just as much as he does his biological children. He is in the process of legally adopting her. Human beings are capable of loving children that are not their blood, just as much as a child who is blood. Second of all, he was 8 when he acted out with me. He was very little still. I addressed it the best I knew how. As far as his stepbrother goes, I spoke my peace and made clear how I felt about him being alone with my child. It took 30 seconds for it to happen.

IF my husband was refusing to keep the two children separated, yes, this marriage would be completely over. But, he isn't. If that changes, I will absolutely do what is best for MY child. But don't assume you know the people involved, because you have no clue. That's the point of these forums, anonymity.

Disneyfan's picture

Keep the blinders on. If he ever has to decided between your kid or his, which one do you think he would pick? Which would you pick?

Had you called CP when the SS molested his stepbrother, the other two may not have been victimized. Two more kids were harmed because no one took action until the ugliness landed on their doorstep.

stimpe's picture

That is exactly what I told my husband.

I'm just looking for advice on how to cope with the emotions I'm feeling, without scaring the crap out of my daughter. I didn't expect others to tell me I don't love my daughter if I stay in my marriage...but looking back, that was probably a terrible assessment on my part. Thank you for your honest, non-judgmental answer.

stimpe's picture

Thank you so much. Those are all options we have been discussing, as well as my daughter and I occasionally having "sleepovers" with my mom. You're right...these are all completely uncharted territories for all of us, and we all need professional guidance. And the one absolute truth is as you said, my stepson cannot ever be in the same home as my daughter again.

Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. I will keep you posted.

Rags's picture

The odds of SS not repeating this behavior is about slim and none by my understanding. Though not impossible the chances he will not repeat is immaterial to even consider. Protect your child.

Get SS what help is available but he is 13 and knows full well what it appropriate and inappropriate. Playing show me yours and I will show you mine is perfectly normal, initiating and performing oral sex on a relative is not.Repeatiing exhibitionist behavior is not normal, repeatedly mollesting young relatives is not normal.

Protect your daghter and forget SS's feelings. They don't matter and based on the slim chance he will overcome his chester the mollester tendencies they will likely never matter again.

Good luck.

Protect your family and other oyoung children from this beast.

stimpe's picture

Just to clarify, SS will be getting the help that he needs and DD will be getting the help she needs. No paths will be crossed at all and no joint therapy sessions will be had. DH agrees that the children can no longer live together or be around each other. He intends to make plans to visit his son outside of our home. Do you mean that I should not live with my husband until SS is grown?

stimpe's picture

No, sorry, I wasn't clear. There will be no joint therapy sessions between my stepson and my daughter. They will remain separated. My DH and BM will be participating in SS's therapy sessions and my DH and I will be participating in DD's therapy sessions.

As far as the other situations you mentioned, that is a road we will have to cross if/when we come to them. If something like that were to happen or come into light, I would definitely remove myself from the situation completely.

stimpe's picture

My daughter's biological father is not in the picture at all. He hasn't seen her since she was 2, moved halfway across the country, and told me in no uncertain terms that he wants no involvement with her. So, he's not an option. He is giving consent for DH to adopt her.

We have been working very closely with CPS and my daughter will remain out of harm's way. If, in the future, my husband decides he wants to bring his son back into our home, I will leave. I have also made that clear.

I'm in no way giving SS a pass due to his mental problems, I was just laying the groundwork that either because of or in addition to those issues, he's always been a little strange.

notasm3's picture

At 13 this kid is most likely a lost cause. Probability of rehabilitation is extremely low. Don't ever expect him to be a person who can be trusted.

Of course his father should make sure he is clothed and fed - but most importantly he needs to keep him 100% away from you and yours forever.

stimpe's picture

Not sure how else I can say that he is no longer near my child. If anyone ever tries to change that, I will leave. And no, contacting her biological father has nothing to do with my husband no longer being able to adopt my daughter. Her bio dad said to me word for word 2 1/2 years ago, "I want no involvement with her." And you know what? You're absolutely right, I blame myself for what happened. But you don't know me or the situation so don't EVER tell me doing what's best for my child is not my priority. If it wasn't, SS would never have been removed from my home.

stimpe's picture

Get your facts straight. This is the second time he has sexually abused another child (and yes, two too many times). I'm assuming you're referring to the Christmas incident when his cousin said he -started- to unzip his pants in front of other kids, but didn't. Wrong? 100%, yes. No argument from me. Sexual abuse? No. You're right, something should have been done the first time. I pleaded with everyone involved to do something. I should have, and I was ignorant because I didn't think anyone would listen to me. And if you don't think I have been agonizing over the fact that I didn't pick up the phone, you're dead wrong. I tried to keep them separated in the home, obviously that didn't work and yes, I am at fault. Probably more than SS is. Again, I blame myself for it 100%. But isn't it also the responsibility of the other child's parents, who were 100% made aware of what happened, to do something too? They weren't even sure if they believed their own son, and one parent has no emotional attachment to my SS or his mother. You act like everything is cut and dry, black and white, and it isn't. The truth is, none of us knew for sure which child was telling the truth because they're both "off" and they both have a history of lying. I did try to protect my daughter, and I failed, by 30 seconds. When she told me what happened, SS was removed from the home within minutes

But it had nothing to with me saying "I gotta have a man." MARRIAGE means something in our world. We took vows, and those vows say "for better or worse." And until my husband intentionally puts my DD in harm's way, we owe it to our marriage to try to keep that vow. No one is 100% blameless, but you're just being hateful, to someone you don't even know. I really hope that makes you feel big and powerful.

still learning's picture

No ss cannot live in the same home as dd, he can never have the opportunity to be alone with her or ANY younger child. SS needs help and now dd is going to need counseling as well to understand what happened and how to avoid similar behaviors in the future.

This happened to one of my children by an older neighbor boy. We got bs help as soon as we found out. It's still an issue and we've dealt with it for almost 5 years now. Sexual abuse has to be taken seriously. Protect your daughter at all costs.

2badsosad's picture

I used to work at a sexual abuse clinic and there were many children (mostly all boys) who were being treated. I learned that many of them who do that have been touched by someone else. I am not saying that is the case here but worth a look. Also, if that is the case, this boy needs help. Immediately. I would talk with CPS about how to handle him with the other kids in the house.

DarkStar's picture

OH SHUT UP TOMMAR!!!!! You are so full of it and you can take your high-handed holier-than-thou opinions and shove them where the sun doesn't shine!!

Ignore her OP, she has a very narrow-minded view of things and NEVER backs down from her own opinion.

What you are going through is every parent's nightmare, but it sounds like you and your DH are handling it and are on the same page which is very good.

This is NOT your fault. You did what you thought you could in the moment, and immediately took steps to protect your daughter by removing SS from the home.

I'd get some counseling for your daughter and yourself. I'm sure you are feeling very guilty right now which is normal, but please know that you ARE doing the right thing and you ARE protecting your daughter

Disneyfan's picture

If the OP posted this same story about her SK getting molested by BM's SS who had a history of molesting kids,people would respond just like Tommar.

The feeling/comments should changed based on who the players in the story are.

I can't help but wonder how many other kids were victimized by this boy because none of these adults(OP, her husband, BM, her husband, his exwife, the cousin's parents....) took action until he touched the OP's daughter. Every adult who knew and/or heard about this kid's behavior but made the choice not to act should be ashamed. Their inaction caused more children to be hurt.

DarkStar's picture

Nice to know that everything is so clean cut in your world. Everything black and white, no grey.

If you would get off your high horse and actually READ what she posted, there were a couple of unconfirmed reports and she DID say something at the time. She DID become vigilant and when she saw what SS did to her daughter, he was removed IMMEDIATELY.

My SS11 has to be told constantly to keep his hands out of his pants and off his weiner. I guess based on that, he should be considered a child molester and be removed from the home??????
That's how this started. Then an unconfirmed incident with cousin. Who also is a kid and also has had a problem with lying. If OP would have demanded that SS leave after that, you would be the first in line wringing your hands about the poor wittle SS that is being sooooo mistreated.

You are the worst Monday morning quarterback on this board.

ETA.....this is directed to Tommar, not Jasper. I know, I know.....I'm just fueling the fire, feeding the beast, but her narrow-minded rantings piss me off!

DarkStar's picture

Do you actually think your comments are HELPFUL to these women that are coming here, feeling desperate, in a no-win situation?

Or does it just make YOU feel superior to tell someone that it's her fault SS touched her daughter???

Why don't you walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you tell them what a horrible person they are?

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

***This****

Anotherstep - I think you hit on some key points with your post. Unfortunately this boy has become a predator.

He may have been abused as well - could his step-dad be the abuser? If so, the boy would be even more scared to talk. Maybe he was threatened to keep silent. Could be a very terrifying predicament for him. I hope the therapists are well trained and can help.

Just throwing this out there since there are so many possibilities about why this happened. Maybe he was exposed to child pornography.

Every dark corner needs to be looked at.

It sure is a terrible mess now and hope he gets the help he needs, along with OP's DD!

Disneyfan's picture

THIS

At this point, both bio parents should make their bio child their top priority. The OP has to protect or child. Her husband has to get his son the help he needs and find out if he was molested.

Jzell67's picture

As already mentioned this child is now a predator and has multiple victims.

Let's not forget his masturbation and exposure in front of an adult with no remorse at all. What happens when he is 18 and stronger then you. Be careful.

I hope that your dh supports you all the way. But as mentioned it's his bio kid. That will win out.