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Finally Lost It!

D8's picture

After almost 3 years of marriage, I finally lost it this weekend over my two grown step children that live at home. My SS has been difficult from the beginning and has always been a difficult child even for his own parents. I've invested a lot of time and effort over the past several years trying to develop a level of respect that we could both live with under the same roof. He has a child that was born just as DH and I were married and I adore her and I consider her my grandchild. I care for her and provide for her as well as the DH since SS is still in college, works and lives at home. My SD graduated from college over a year ago and is still living at home also. My two children 23 and 26 are on their own and not living in our home. My SS has been extremely rude to me, called me names and consistently points out to his father that he married the wrong women. He has been violent with his father at times. My SD works and has a few outside interest but spends a lot of time at home. I was recently diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer with bone mets. My step children do not contribute to home chores or responsibilities and in fact, my step daughter will not even clean her room. It is filthy with trash, food, dirty clothes... We have asked her repeatedly to clean it up and she doesn't feel that she has to because it is her room. She also spends her weekends in her PJ's which includes a flimsy tank top with no bra. After many issues recently, I let go and told her that she needs to wear a bra or other clothing at the dinner table and when she is downstairs hanging out with the family. We are tired of seeing too much! Her father also told her that she had to clean her room this weekend, no excuses. She became unglued, saying that we had no right to force her to clean her room or wear a bra downstairs. When we tried to explain why we made the request she would blow everything out of proportion and exaggerating what we required of her. She threatened to move out, which is fine with me, and said until then she will continue to do as she pleases. A few months ago, I finally told her that I am not the cook in the house. That she needed to start purchasing and preparing her own meals. She would come downstairs, ask what was for diner, never help with set up, cooking or clean up, just eat. I got tired of it and started cooking for two. Not to mention, I am on long term chemo and don't always feel well. She has never offered to do anything or help out. SS was also told a few things during my ranting and he also became very mad at me and teamed up with his sister against me. My DH only tries to keep things calm, he rarely stands up for me, even when his son says terrible things. His approach to parenting is if it goes away on its own then there is no need to deal with it. Mine is to speak my mind and deal with issues up front. I'm also a teacher of 18 years and have a lot of experience dealing with discipline and conflict. The weekend was horrible and I can't stand to be home now. I love my house that my husband and I purchased together, even though my stepson says there is no way that any of the new house is mine because I'm just a teacher. I want the step daughter to move out on her own. It's time. We should no longer be paying any of her bills and she should start taking care of herself but I don't know how to make it happen. My DH is too soft and is afraid of hurting his children. The SD also vented to her mom, who has not been an active parent since they were teenagers, and she sent us a message concerned that her children were not being loved or cared for and that we need to do a better job of taking care of her kids. That was the last straw!!! We, not her, pay for everything including cars, college, vacations... She has no right to step into my home and tell me what to do. The more I pressure DH about his children the more he feels stressed about being caught in the middle. How do I get these two adult step children out of the house and out of my marriage? The only argument we have had in three years is about the kids.

Stepped in what momma's picture

They aren't kids, they are grown adults, one has a child of their own. SMH.

Icansorelate's picture

I am so sorry about your diagnosis. When my SD at the time 25ish was living in my home and behaving mostly like yours...I too lost it after having surgery.

You need to tell SD and SS that it is time both of them either moved out on their own, or go live with BM. If DH does not like it, he can go too.

What did you say to SS when he told you your own home was not yours because you are a teacher? I hope you responded that it was yours and not his because he is just a leech?

Please find your voice and your boundaries. DH can either support you or go. Your health and peace are the most important things right now. Oh and make sure your will is in order and nothing of yours goes to DH or the steps.

D8's picture

Yes, I'm in the process of getting will and paperwork completed. The skids have no idea what they are missing out on due to their behavior. My mom initially put them in her will trying to be nice and treat them like family but has since had them removed when they refused to be a part of my family or attend holidays on my side. I also have a trust that goes to my kids but have no intention of leaving the skids anything now. I've done very well for myself, even as a teacher, so my own children will be well taken care of after I'm gone. One of the worst things my SS has ever said, was when his father told him that my cancer had returned, he responded with questioning about how this was going to affect him because he new the medical bills would be expensive and he was worried about money for himself. Neither skid has ever asked if they could do anything for me, even when their father is out of town on business. I stopped making any purchases for them a few months ago. Occasionally when out shopping I would pick up clothing or items that I thought they would enjoy, as I do for my children, but I won't even buy them cereal now.

SugarSpice's picture

non custodial fathers like to castrate themselves out of guilt.

the skids live under your roof and must live by your rules. period.

in one case one of my skids told me to my face to h=go to h#ll. i simply replied that since they dont like the rules, when were they moving out.

i am sorry to hear about your health. you need to put yourself first as stress does not help ones health.

twoviewpoints's picture

"She became unglued, saying that we had no right to force her to clean her room or wear a bra downstairs. When we tried to explain why we made the request she would blow everything out of proportion and exaggerating what we required of her. She threatened to move out, which is fine with me, and said until then she will continue to do as she pleases."

Silly little girl. Any father who entertains this behavior and didn't hand the brat her suitcase and the rental classified listings of the newspaper doesn't deserve you for his wife. He should be single and living with his darling adult children by himself. No one else should be subjected to their disrespect and dysfunction.

Think long and hard about reviewing your relationship... you don't need all this unnecessary stress in your life right now. Please think of yourself and your own needs ...if you don't put you first, no one else will.

D8's picture

I've thought about putting some serious pressure on DH ( is this the correct abb.? He is custodial father. BM has not had custody since divorce.). The skids really don't care for their mom and would never consider moving in with her.). That's one of the frustrating things about the SS venting to her mother. Usually she doesn't speak to her. I knew the kids were somewhat difficult from the beginning but as a teacher I really thought I had the skills and love to help. Silly me. With the new diagnosis, I've realized that my future may be shorter than I had expected and that waiting a few years until they decide to move out on their own could be some of the besr years I have left. I've been given 5 years but I'm keeping optimistic and hoping I will be one of the lucky ones that are here 10 years from now. I don't want to spend the next 5 years living in a stressful, ugly home environment. I've definitely been more vocal and persistent to having my way in my house lately. I've thought seriously about giving an ultimatum and moving in with my mom for awhile to make the point, but honestly I love my home and my husband. Paranting is not one of his strong points but otherwise he is an amazing man. I'm a serious gardner and have the most beautiful landscaping, pool, home...and I don't want to give it up. Why should I move out, I own half of the home. I feel that if I push the skids to move out it will cause major damage to my marriage.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

I am sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis. This is truly too big to be distracted by rude ungrateful skids.

DH is no longer custodial parent as these are FULL GROWN ADULTS!! He needs to be reminded of this fact. They are not children and it is time for them to move on. Especially now - you do not need any extra stress in your life. Dealing with your health issues is enough stress.

Tell DH that you need them gone within a certain time frame, not sure if 30 days is too quick but I would aim for that. Do not waver, be selfish - your life depends on it.

Icansorelate's picture

I am so sorry about your prognosis. There are really promising new cancer therapies available now, please look into them and hopefully you can have decades.

However, if there is a chance of only a few more good years, do you really care if getting rid of adult freeloaders that clearly do not even have human decency towards you hurts your marriage?

Since you own half the house, tell both skids they have until May 15th to get out. If your DH doesn't like it, he can go with them.

Definitely stop doing anything for them at all. They do not deserve your kindness and you need to worry about your health and well being. Go enjoy those gardens in peace.

D8's picture

They do not do apologies! The SS has never apologized to me for anything said and SD has difficulty also. I asked for the SS to apologize for a party that was held at our home while we were out of town and police were called about noise. On our drive home to take care of the issue, I helped my husband work out a plan of consequences due to having the party and an apology was part of the deal. He absolutely refused which should have resulted to SS leaving our home but husband wouldn't follow through.

still learning's picture

What horrible people. None of them (including DH) deserve one more minute of your precious time or life energy. I would leave, live w/family, a long term stay hotel, or rent a studio.

None of them love you. You need to be the one to love yourself and leave them to each other

D8's picture

Yes, Step husband does apologize. He is nothing like his children. I don't want to live with faimily. I'm a very independent person and moving in with mom at 51 would kill me. I also don't want to deal with divorce at this time in my life. I really fill that I'm in a "no win" situation. If I go ahead and push the limits and force skids out, it will probably seriously impact the marriage. If I don't, I continue to be miserable. There really is no good answere. At this point, im just hoping that one of the skids does something really beyond belief so yah at my demands will not be overlooked and I won't feel the guilt of kicking them out!

LikeMinded's picture

Do not give up your house. Hire some people to pack and put the SKID's stuff outside and then change the locks. I doubt your DH will leave you over this, he doesn't look like a man of action.

Can any of your children help you?

Disillusioned's picture

So sorry about your diagnosis Sad that sort of stress is not good for your condition. Your husband needs to stand up and stop this from happening. Your health should be the number one thing right now!?!

Rags's picture

Boot both of their worthless asses out. NOW! Call a locksmith immediately and rekey the locks. It is YOUR home and YOU should inform your DH that no one who behaves as these two useless wastes of skin behave will reside in YOUR home. In these situations either party has the right to veto who lives in the home. One veto and out they go.... immediately.

I would schedule a moving company to come load their crap and haul it off to a storage unit that will be prepaid for one month. If they want their crap after that they have to go get it. If they choose not to.... it gets auctioned.

They will not recognize anything but extreme consequences for their behavior... deliver those consequences as they have been earned.