literally broken
I have carried this burden and need advice. My stepchildren have caused so much distress in our marriage. They are the epitomy of the I generation. To this day their mom gets 3 or 4 phone calls a night along with dozens of texts. Usually her first comment on the calls is "what is wrong now". One daughter got pregnant out of wedlock twice, and finally did marry them both, which means a one year marriage ended in divorce. The son totally relies on his mom to find him jobs, do his taxes etc, and he got a girl pregnant, and oldest daughter has went through boyfriend upon boyfriend and is depressive. And of course they always need money, which my wife does without me knowing. Several years ago, during one year, we had them all, at one time or another, living with us. We have been under constant bombardment from them, and nothing from my sons. My oldest son had some health issues several years ago, and due to it, he couldnt hold down a job. I told him to come live with us and get his health back. He told me that I was dealing with enough problems, as he knew what we were dealing with. And he didnt move in. His health got worse, and he couldnt work or pay his bills, so one day had had enough, and he took his life. I will after two years later, will grieve the rest of my life. Once a summer, my boys and I had a tradition of going camping to our favorite spot. I told my wife that it would continue like that, it was our tradition. After several years my wife made our camping unbearable because she was angry that her kids wernt invited. Unbearable to the point that my sons didnt invite us on the last trip before my son took his life. So here I am, a broken man...and a bitter man. I love my wife, but as the days roll by, and my other son wont even come to visit, and we are still bombared by stepkids life issues, even though they are grown, I am ready to toss in the towel. I believe I could of stopped my son from what he did. The downfall of man is selfishness, and in this I generation, it makes me sick. I dont sleep much anymore, and I definitely have a form of ptsd. I just want to walk awayso I can let go of this anger and remorse. So to you all out there, this is a lesson on preferential treatment, and with a heartbreaking outcome. If you dont put boundaries around your kids, and discipline, they will run and ruin your life. And, as my stepkids have younguns now, it gets worse with each generation. Words like honesty, respect, integrity, considerate, will one day be just a distant memory.........Sincerely, Broken Heart
This is such a hard situation
This is such a hard situation and you have my condolences.
You really need counseling. When someone takes their own lives, the people left behind will blame themselves. I had a relative who called me the day before he took his own life. I blamed myself for a very long time. If I could have said something, anything different. It changed my life and I made some very life altering decisions after that. And not good ones. Mainly out of guilt. It still didn't change anything.
The issues that you are having with your wife are separate. You need to perhaps move out and separate for a bit. Tell her the truth, the stress is to much for you, you have guilt and unresolved feelings about the suicide of your son, and you need time away from the chaos.
During that time, you really need to separate finances. You should also build a support system and perhaps move closer to your other son. Chances are he may have unresolved anger towards you and perhaps may even blame himself and you.
Once you are in a better place, then maybe you and your wife can start dating again, away from the chaos.
Since you are suffering from
Since you are suffering from depression and PTSD, I will advise that you not make any big life decisions right now. Your head is too foggy and you may end up doing the wrong thing. If you're not already in counseling, get there ASAP. If you're not already on medication, please talk to your doctor about trying that route.
Having said all of the above. You really need to learn how to forgive yourself. I don't know why but, I feel like you are taking the lions share of the blame for your son's decision, and I doubt he would have wanted that. Ignore the SK's and all of their actions. Not your problem. Learn to let it go. You have another son, focus on him. Repair your relationship with him if you need to. The rest is just minutiae.
You can't change your DW's enmeshment with her children, (adult or not.) It's been this way for far too long. What you can do, is change the way you interact in their world. It's OK to take time out just for you and yours. Don't feel guilty, don't apologize, just do YOU!
Sundance - My heart goes out
Sundance - My heart goes out to you. You are grieving the loss of your son. Suicide, by any one, is terrible because those that suffer the most are the ones left to deal with it. It is extremely hard to deal with because, like you said, one always thinks they should have seen it coming or been able to stop it. May I suggest that you talk to your clergyman about help handling the grief and how you feel as a start. Even seeing your doctor about your health (stress and grief takes a lot out of us) and talking to him would be a good thing. You need to take care of you before you can grapple with the rest of that mess with the steps.
Regarding the steps - man oh man - these are walking time bombs that will never change. Why should they? Momma takes care of them. They are causing, as you say, a lot of stress on you and your marriage.
You need the strength (and this is why I would suggest talking to your doc. and clergyman) to be able to draw the line on what is acceptable with these steps and what is not. I so know that is so easily said than done.
Take care of yourself.
I am also a parent that lost
I am also a parent that lost my only two bio sons to an auto accident; it was not suicide, which I consider more difficult to deal with; but I no longer have my bio sons, it's a grief that is unbelievable, that I have learned to live with. It feels just as hurtful as the day it happened.
I am going to be blunt, even though I know that is hurtful as well. YOU need to make the changes in your life, nobody else is going to do that for you. The more you stay in the situation that makes you depressed, the more people you care about are going to pull away.
"Cry and you cry alone. Smile and the whole world smiles with you". This is the most difficult thing I've ever attempted and still have never completely accomplished. I get very depressed and very resentful; but I make myself move forward and change my thoughts. I am not the same person, since I lost my kids, I also carry guilt; you will never be the same, there is no normal in your life; you have to make a life from here.
I am not going to advise you how to do this, just do what is good for YOU. You have one son left in your life; make it good, no matter what it takes. I wish I had one son left in my life.
With all of this said, I am not heartless, just realistic. I am very sorry for you, and my prayers and thoughts go out to you.
Grab your boot straps and make yourself a life. Vent on this site; we are always here for you. Start with "right now".
((hugs))
It is very hard. I have been
It is very hard. I have been with my husband for 27 years. We are a his, mine and ours, 5 children in all that range in age from 19-35, all lived with us full-time. I am guilty of being like your wife in that I have given money endless times, helped paid off bills, gave my kids money for food, paid for airline tickets to visit us, paid for cruises so they could join us. My husband didn't complain. We put a down pmt on his son's car and helped him with expenses too. Our only child, the youngest is still at home, goes to school and works. I have not expected her to work, I did however encore it and she is saving for a trip to Europe and because of that we pay for her gas, car insurance and he basic needs so she can save for this trip. I could see how someone new to the family situation might see our family situation as you do with yours but I see it as help and hope that I am not crippling my children. They have all done well for themselves....sure they had bumps along the way....my oldest got pg while she was still married to her first husband and dating another man....I wasn't too thrilled but we managed to get past it all.
These situations do cause hurt and separation among step families and like yours we do not attend functions with my SSs and have not for many years. I really have not liked it but they have been very disrespectful and hateful towards me. My daughters were molested by my stepsons and when it came out everything I had pushed under to keep the family moving forward came up like volcanic explosion. I had worked so hard to give to my stepsons like I would my own children and I can say the hurts I received form my steps hurt me a great deal more than my bios and I think that was because I could overlook what my bios had done as to where I was not able to do the same with my steps so I pushed the hurts down and kept trying. When I learned of the molestation I became protector of my bios over the boys who had harmed my children. It took me YEARS to deal with this and let it all go.
I am sorry for your loss. Is it possible that what you are experiencing is the same as I have by having this hurt in your life, such a devastation that is emotionally almost too difficult to deal with, and it makes everything else magnified? Do you know what I am saying?
Rather than continuing on the road to silence and separation like my husband and I have done with these hurts, can you open up to your wife and try to have some understanding for her position with her children? Perhaps deal with your own hurts. Encourage your sons to be part of the family and for them also to have more acceptance to include your wife's family. Exclusion and rejection hurts and when we feel it we don't like it and do not want to be around those who we feel unloved by so we stay away. Sometimes it takes willingness to open up hearts and give it another try.