Okay, let me see if I can sum this up as briefly as possible. My SS (10) is having some major issues when he is over at our house. Background: We have 50/50 custody with biodad who is a narcissist and terrible father. DW hates him but does not like to get confrontational with him because of his aggression. In SS eyes he is EVERYTHING. Last Christmas biodad bought SS an iPad (which I was against) which enables them to have constant contact with each other. When SS is here, he is constantly texting biodad to the point it is disturbing... using lovey, kissy emoticons, constant "I love you" and "I miss you so much". Taking it away as punishment is rocky because then biodad accuses us of trying to keep him from being able to reach his son. SS is constantly crying when he is over here because he misses "Daddy"... I mean from the second I pick the kids up from school until he goes to bed and then in the morning the second he wakes up he starts crying again. Now my wife gets the worst of this because SS is so disrespectful to her, refuses to text her when he is over at biodad's and is basically just a brat toward her. No surprise because biodad has zero respect for women and he is passing this trait on.

My biggest fear is that the narcissism of biodad is being transferred to my SS and even worse, could be leading to an enmeshment situation where biodad and SS are codependent and see each other as a spouse. I have seen several disturbing signs (in addition to those mentioned) for instance when same sex marriage was legalized, SS said he was happy because he could marry 'daddy'. I said usually people who get married are romantically involved like me and mommy are. His response was that he is romantically involved with 'daddy'. He has also said (and this has also reported by my SD) that biodad sleeps with him every night. At least long enough for him to fall asleep which prevents him from having the ability to self-sooth and in my opinion could be considered covert incest depending on what actually happens during these times.

Therapy... yes SS needs therapy. Biodad is completely against it and fights us on every attempt. He has supposedly contacted the pediatrician to get a referral for a child psychologist but he is not providing any further information. One thought I had was to set up family counseling for me, DW, SS and SD which would keep biodad out of the loop because he has already coached SS on what to say to a therapist to seem normal. It will also remove the intimidation factor he must feel when biodad is around. Biodad says this is just a phase and doesn't seem to care his son is in distress when he is with us and he actually puts blame on us saying "I don't have any problems at my house".

Has anyone experienced this? I am not sure as a stepparent how to cope with much of what is going on and sometimes it is difficult to maintain my stepparent boundaries, particularly from a disciplinary standpoint when he acts out. I love my wife and try to be strong for her but inside I'm a wreck because I see how much pain this causes her and I see the damage that is being done to my SS. I love him too and feel if we can get him past this he can be happy for what's left of his childhood. I could go on and on about how bad this guy is to his kids. I think once we get the ball rolling on therapy we need full custody which will be a major fight but may be what is needed to keep the kids (particularly SS) healthy.