Hello all. I thought that I would start this thread to help the rest of us. After trying several times to disengage I was finally able to do so. I had another post where I "hijacked" my own thread and told of my successful disengagement. The whole topic and process was initially elusive to me and I struggled with it for a long time. It was the best thing that I ever did and wish that I had stuck to my guns a lot earlier!
SO THIS IS HOW I DISENGAGED:
I won't do SD12's laundry. She or my SO can deal with her stinky clothes.
I won't participate in anything related to her schooling. I don't care if she passes or fails and I want to be taken off the "call list".
I won't take her shopping and buy her clothes. Good luck to my SO with that!
I won't ferry her to and from friend's house's unless I want to. Time for my SO to get off his butt, put down his beer and step up.
If I cook and when I cook I will cook for all in my home but not make a special effort to cater to the tastes of SD12. If she doesn't like what I make, she can make something herself or my SO can do it for her.
I won't assist SD in trying to find something. She is always losing stuff or needing something for a project...." do we have xyz??" The answer will be no or ask your Dad.
I won't pick her up little things that she might like when I am out shopping, whether it is a treat or sweet or just something that I know she needs. I never got thanked nor was it appreciated by my SO.
I will NEVER adjust my schedule to meet the needs of my SD. My SO has to adjust his schedule.
I won't give my SD money for anything.
THE FOCUS HAS SHIFTED from SD to me and it feels great. I am getting myself back and noticed appreciable differences almost immediately. I am less stressed and feel empowered. My marriage is on the rocks anyway so maybe that makes all of this even easier. I can imagine that for those of you who do have solid relationships with your SO, you might still be at a point where you don't want to hurt their feelings; nevertheless, disengagement really prevents YOU from going MAD and that helps all your relationships and your life in general.
GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF YOU MY DEAR STEP-PARENT FRIENDS!!!!