Tired of DH undermining me with SD12....IS IT TIME TO END THIS?
I haven't posted an update in a while but considering tonight's recent events, I might as well. SD12 continues to lie and not follow through on chores. DH looks the other way or doesn't even notice. I try to give assistance. Eventually set consequences. This works out fine until I get worn down by the same repeated behaviors and try to get my DH's "help" or my DH simply gets to the point where he thinks I am being too hard on his little angel. I lost my cool today. Took away all electronics which was appropriate to the offense of the week but also said a few choice words to SD12 about how I am tired of her laziness and bullshit ( she is extremely manipulative). As a rule I am pretty much a straight talker with her and don't mince words over what I think of her behavior. We actually have a pretty "good" relationship as she really loves my company and at times I think we do seem to get to this place of better understanding. I explain to her why she gets in trouble and what it means for the future if some of these behaviors continue. She always knows where I stand. She even tells her Dad that I am pretty cool and can get tough on her because I am just trying to help her. I try not to put her down as a person but address the only the behavior but it has gotten to such a crisis point that I blew my stack. I told her that I was very disappointed in her. This was out of the earshot of my DH.
I told DH about it. DH said he didn't want to hear any more of my complaints. DH got furious when I suggested that we needed a family meeting. He said that he would talk to SD. I told him that never works because she plays us both. From there it got worse. In front of SD12 (she came into the room when we were having words) he proceeded to chastise me, telling me that I am the adult and should "control myself". Again, I said that I was tired of her "bullshit" and didn't appreciate being lied to and manipulated. He told me to butt out of his parenting. I told him that I would if he would just parent himself. I heard him later tell SD12 that I am not her parent and she does not have to listen to me. I called him on that. He said " you heard me correctly". I told him that THAT was not a workable solution to this problem and he had done serious damage. I also asked him again for counseling.. for all of us...and he said that the only one that needs counseling is me because I am the crazy one. He even said that he would call social services and tell them how I bully his daughter all the time. I told him if that is how he sees it...as abuse...then he should take his daughter and leave. He said that will as soon as he can.
If you read my other posts you will see that I have tried to be as good to this kid as I could. I looked after her, paid for everything, spent time with her, taught her things, talked to her about life and what it means to be an honest person. She acts like my best friend, thanks me for all the great things and words of advise and then does what ever the hell she wants thereafter. I have never met a 12 year old who could give the proverbial finger so well! That being said, I think she does have some form of disassociating. Like I think she just wants to forget that any corrections of her behavior happen, repeats the behaviors and then really doesn't "suffer" the consequences in so much as things don't really phase her. She is weird kid and I know it is terrible to say it but it is true. She convinced the school that she had learning problems and then told me later on that it wasn't really that, it was more that she just didn't want to try; nevertheless, the school psychologist suggested both psychiatric and psychological counseling, both of which my DH dismisses as unnecessary.
So I am back to the place I have been in so many times. Is it really going to be over?
Any thoughts are appreciated. Thanks.
Oh I also forgot to add that
Oh I also forgot to add that I did try engagement at one point but it didn't work. I got so much backlash from my DH accusing me of not wanting to be a family or partner and honestly I felt so sorry for my SD12 who needs so much obvious help with things that my DH ignores. I really care about my SD and just wanted to help her become the best that she can be.
I mean DISENGAGEMENT!!!!!!
I mean DISENGAGEMENT!!!!!! OMG.
To answer the question in
To answer the question in your title - yes, it is time to end this. Your DH threatened to call social services on you - what more do you need to know?
You have been trying to make this work for three years and it sounds like things are getting worse instead of better. He refuses to go to counseling, I don't see what more you can do.
You know as a parent -- step
You know as a parent -- step or bio -- we all loose our cool periodically and spout off a bit. Perhaps we overcorrect in frustration, then apologize and readjust. Not a big deal. My kidlets xBox has wound up in the trash before. SGD's stuff was black trashbagged and returned with her after visitation. That's part of parenting. It's not all kumbaya and sacred moments.
Honestly, it sounds as if overall SD & you have a decent relationship. I'm not hearing anything beyond the normal "are you freakin' kidding me" level of step-parenting.
DH sounds as if he does NOT have a decent relationship with you. Undermining you to his daughter after refusing to step up on his own, is the least of it. For whatever reason, DH does not have your back and sounds as if he's been eyeballing the backdoor.
That reads harshly and I don't mean it that way. You two, as a couple, are probably very loving and have great adventures together, but add the parenting element and it sounds as if DH is willing to bail with the stress. Do you need this stress?
He told her you are not a
He told her you are not a parent and she doesn't have to listen yet when you disengage you suffer horrific backlash as well. You can't nor will you ever be able to win with this man. He doesn't want to parent but he doesn't want precious upset either
Now he has called you crazy and threaten social services which as we know leaves a lasting impact on your life and ability to work.
This is no longer a workable situation.
Make an appointment with an attorney and proceed from there. Get this man out of your life.
I have to agree with the
I have to agree with the above posters. Screw him and screw them. You will never win. Get out while you still have your sanity and good reputation.
Where is the Bio mom in this btw?
Sorry you are going through this.
Your H (he's no DH) is an
Your H (he's no DH) is an ass.
Yes, help him pack. Call a professional service and pay with HIS credit card. Move it to storage on HIS credit card.
But call an attorney first.
Every"guilty dad-ism" you
Every"guilty dad-ism" you wrote is as common as dirt. I heard every one of these or the facsimile thereof.
He wants you to have the trade marked 100% responsibility with 0% authority.
You can not care more than the actual parent does about a child's welfare especially when you have no power to effect change.
RUN NOW!!!! I wish I had 12 yrs ago.
This is emotionally abusive.
This is emotionally abusive. He is threatening you with things meant to keep you doing what HE wants...even when he doesn't know for sure what he even wants!
I don't see this getting any better. Best to rip the bandaid off quickly and go through the pain all at once of a breakup rather than being inflicted pain a bit at a time for the rest of your life.
Call a lawyer and get out.
Call a lawyer and get out. The sooner the better.
He will leave "when he can".
He will leave "when he can". Hell no - his ass can leave right now.
First of all, I want to thank
First of all, I want to thank each one of you for your posts. I have been digesting them, processing my feelings and know that I must GET OUT.
Not Sure: you are right, it has been going on too long and as I went down a trip through the memory lane of posts, it really has indeed. Thank you for pointing that out because I think that systematic abuse over months or years tend to make us lose the tally of events across time.
Jasper cat: Thank you! I really enjoyed making that thread and I check in on it every once in awhile. It really is cathartic and we love it to be sure but in my case I came to realize that compared to many other SKIDS out there, mine isn't so bad. As for you though, good luck with Potato. That totally cracks me up and I love your wit.
Stepmeanie: He does suck and is a complete asshole. He also is a raging BPD
Narcissist and an all around son of a F'ing biiiiitch.
Morrimom and others: He can't leave now. He is entitled to stay under the law of this state unless he would get violent. Of course I could leave, but have been advised to hold down my fort since IT IS MY FORT. I bought this home before I married him. Nevertheless, I spoke to a lawyer today and we do have a strategy, one that involves only a delay of a few months; in the meantime, since he always accuses me of acting crazy, I might just start! LOL. Perhaps telling him that I am thinking of just quitting my job because I have become so enamored with online gambling and feel that I can really make a go of it. Or maybe that I think the best thing in life is to just "drop out" to avoid worrying about things you might lose, just sell it all, spend it all or lose it now so one can finally be happy! OF course this is not true but if I start saying really weird things he might just want to run for the hills. Fighting crazy with crazy? Not sure if that is in THE ART OF WAR, but maybe it could work?
Sue: I know that you are right. IT is now a point of no return. My heart still breaks though because I thought that he was the one. All the hopes and dreams I had of us became a nightmare. And yes there were red flags but I completely rationalized them away...." oh, he had a poor childhood, was abused, left by his cheating ex, friends betrayed him.."
I admit that I lived quite nicely in my fantasy until the next time he screamed or raged or accused me of saying something that I didn't or twisted my words or gaslighted me.
I only wish I could pack his crap. He has rights. All I can do is make him want to leave. Problem is for now that he is coming up on an important exam, one that will thrust him into the labor market to earn a high wage. He has been making money under the table but I haven't seen most of it. Like an idiot I have been buying his excuses ( literally and figuratively) all in the name of love and marriage. I have been nothing but used as a bank and a nanny. I know that. I will execute my plan and then fight hard to keep what is mine.
As for the CPS threats, I am not going to be alone in a room with SD again. And I told him so. And I also said I am not cooking for her, etc. etc. He can live like a single parent. He told me that I am going "overboard" and should take medication.
I like exploring the options
I like exploring the options of you quiting your job and working at a charity, a church, a nonprofit, perhaps become a volunteer for CASA. "You have only "X" amount of energy and focus in this lifetime and you want to pursue more meaningful work." {Snort, chortle} I have a snarky side which likes you playing with that idea --- perhaps leave some articles lying around the house from Oprah, or the Mormons or whatever about following your Path. Discover your higher purpose. (None of which includes supporting himself and his nonsense).
Let your inner B*tch out to play.
Truthfully, IRL, I run a small nonprofit. I changed careers from banking/stockbroker to this over a decade ago, and I know that I can never afford to retire, but I love my Life in many ways.
I have been advised by my
I have been advised by my lawyer to wait until he passes his exam before filing. His earning potential, even if he languishes to find a job, will sway the Courts to award him LESS SPOUSAL SUPPORT. Yes, you heard me, I am going to have to pay his sorry ass for half of the 3 years married. UGH.
It is over and you need to
It is over and you need to embrace it being over. His gutting you in front of the Skid should be the absolute confirmation that it is over.
Leave when he can? F that crap. They both go now. They have until the locksmith shows up to rekey the locks and anything they dont have on the curb by then goes to good will. If you are feeling magnanimous then give him the tax donation receipt for his and her crap. Anything still on the curb on the next trash day... goes in the truck.
Buh-bye.
My bride and I had our version of this disagreement. She thought I was being to tough on the kid. I told her to step up parent, and discipline before I had to or bite her tongue until we could discuss it off line. That was the only discussion I was willing to have on the topic. Her choice. Step up or butt out.
She stepped up and the Skid was miserable. I am a confront the behavior, apply the consequence, and move on parent. She is the parent that never forgets and keeps recycling the issue and continues the consequences for a long, long, long time.
A few months after the conversation my son came to me and asked... "Dad, can you please go back to being the one who deals with me. You just lecture me, punish me, and then watch to see how I do. Mom just tortures me for months." }:) I just patted him on the back and said.... "Nope. Your mom is doing just fine in my opinion. Suck it up kid. All you have to do to not get in trouble with me is not screw up again. It is going to take a long time for you to work through this with your mom. Good luck."
Again...thank you all for
Again...thank you all for your comments. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither is my exit strategy. Things are going to take time to unfold and all I can do is make the best of it in the meantime. I have SUCCESSFULLY DISENGAGED and it feels wonderful. It is also a prelude of things to come, like getting more of my life and sanity back. This last week I was under so much stress. I couldn't stop my mind from ruminating on the escape plan, the details of all of it, to the point that I wasn't sleeping. I finally had to tell myself to CHILL and give myself the permission to live my life and ENJOY MY LIFE as time clicks by . Nobody said that when you are going through a crisis or are heading toward a crisis point, you have to be miserable in every aspect of your life. I intend to embrace the other GREAT parts of my life and to be completely honest EVERYTHING ELSE is great and I have a lot to be thankful for. So that's my plan.
Hi all. I actually gave an
Hi all. I actually gave an "update" on another one of my posts but really wanted to direct my update to this particular post. So here is goes. UPDATE: limbo. I can't do a thing until that exam is passed.
As for SD, well, she has regressed. My spouse is now doing for her what I taught her to do for herself. Her only real duty seems to be unloading the dishwasher and that is always subject to whether or not she has homework. Too bad that comes LAST to her being able to play on her xbox or galavant with her friends for hours. It is really not teaching her much of anything.
When I simply brought up an issue where I had asked SD to help ME take out the trash after she finished eating and she DIDN'T, my spouse said again " I thought you were going to butt out"?? I then said " YOU DO IT THEN". 20 minutes went by. There still was a full trash can. So I took it out myself and told my spouse this:
" I LOVE MY HOUSE MORE THAN I HATE YOUR INEFFECTIVE PARENTING". A few choice words later I was upstairs and spouse was on the couch.
Understand that I can't make life total hell for him yet ( well that is really not my style but you know what I mean). He still has to pass that test which he is studying non stop for, thank GOD.
Back to SD. I had been kind of avoiding her but today I actually had a talk with her. I told her that I had spent a lot of my valuable time, putting my heart and soul into trying to teach her to be more self-sufficient and responsible like doing her own laundry ( ECT ETC) and that I noticed that Dad was doing everything for her now. I told her that I was disappointed in that and considering that Dad is studying like crazy for his test, it is really selfish of her to not help out more when she knows full well HOW TO DO IT. I also said that my feelings were hurt because I ask her to help me with some things and most of the time she "forgets" and that is not flying with me anymore. I told her that both her and her Dad are being rude to me at this point and I don't like it. I also told her that maybe her and her Dad should find a place on their own where they don't have to be bothered by me or if she does want to continue to stay here then she better start pulling her weight. I know I shouldn't have maybe said the last comment but I was miffed at this point.
SD listened without comment and then said...." well I am going to go upstairs....call me if you need me". And flitted off to her bedroom like I hadn't said anything.
She might have been holding back a few tears but otherwise she looked as she usually does......DISASSOCIATED....
UGH. So that is where I am. I am trying to go through my day and be productive but I have a range of emotions at any given hour....anger, sadness, frustration and guilt.....yes .....guilt but not the FOG kind ( okay I have that as well) but I also have guilt that I am putting up with this and letting myself get hurt by these people.
Sorry it took me so long to
Sorry it took me so long to respond Jaspercat. The test was last month and HE PASSED. Finally he has a job. First week. Hates it and wants to quit because of some bullshit problem where he is the boss but his staff refuses to speak in English, blah blah blah. Anyway, I still get the push and pull about the SD and "butting out" but being there for her when spouse is at work. Today he said "well I guess I am going to have to quit my job and stay home to take care of her" implying that I can't or won't but piggybacking on an argument where I was accused of being MEAN to her ( for the 50th time). Same drill. SD blows off a chore. I get frustrated. SD off the hook because " she forgets" and I am a "bitch". When I was told today to "stop being a bitch" I actually lost it and said "your daughter is the bitch" but then I took it back and apologized because that was quite unkind and not fair to SD who really isn't a bitch at all, just frustratingly OUT OF IT. I have detached but since spouse is now working and cannot take calls, SD has to ask me for permission to do this or that. So......the double bind again.
Status? I am waiting a few more months before filing on advice of lawyer to show that spouse has a stable job and that I should not have to pay spousal support ( or at least a reduced amount).
Emotionally it is hard. I know it needs to happen. I have been hoping for a change for the better strangely, even trying to convince myself that it could if I could forget about getting my needs or feelings met. I still can't seem to believe that the man I thought was the most wonderful persons for me turned out to be a user and an abuser. Still fighting with a lot of regret but mostly the regret that I chose this person and my life has been miserable since 2014.
Lawyer also says that waiting about 3 months is good because it will show that spouse refuses to contribute in a significant way FINANCIALLY to the marriage. Spouse is already giving me push back when I bring up the subject of finances and how much he will give of his paycheck. Lawyer says that Court might look at his refusal to contribute as FINANCIAL ABUSE, another form of marital abuse. Keep in mind he has given me NOTHING from his job that he worked at under the table.