I just can't! Manipulative 11 yo SS + his biomother

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Hello everyone,
I just joined this forum from Belgium because I really feel that I need to express myself one way or another. I read about many different stories and experiences here, and maybe you guys will give me an idea of all the mess I have with my SS.
My husband and I know eachother since 5 years, 2 years of flirt+1 year of marriage now. He wasn't married before. He had his son as a total surprise from one of his flirts back then, because she, in her head alone, decided to stop the contraceptive pills and have a baby to get out of her depression of 5 years. Poor hubby didn't even see that coming. But I respect him because he fought for his son to have the right to see him (SS is with daddy every other week, its 50%). They broke up 1 month after the SS was born.
Now I get to the problem part, the SS.
He is a very friendly child, well, at first sight. He is cute and he knows how to use his baby voice to get what he wants. And one way or another, he always gets what he wants.
I don't want you to draw me as an evil stepmom in your heads. Because I did everything for him. If there was something that I don't like, I talk to him like a friend, trying to explain etc. He says ok with a cute smile, and gives a kiss, turnes around the corner and the next day does the same thing again.
Like, I mean, he shouldn't use other people's toothbrushes or bathtowels. Like, you have to flush when you pee. Like, it's not okay not taking a shower for 4 days. Like it's not okay to spend all day in your boxers in livingroom, we have clothes to put on. Etc etc
I'm not even try to be gentle, his mother is useless, she is living in a social logement in a bed neighborhood, she never ever worked 1 day in her life, she is getting a monthly €1300 of unemployment benefit + €160 of childcare help from the government. And she thinks she knows the best of everything whereas she doesn't even bother to teach him basic hygiene.
The SS adores his mother, and he is basically using his daddy as a wallet. Need a bike? Go ask your dad. Need to go to holidays? Dad. Need new shoes? Dad. Need to go to the swimming pool? Dad.
His mother just runs away with it by simply saying "i dont have money". But sometimes we don't either and when we tell the SS that we can't, he just doesn't accept it.
Here he has everything he wants. The biggest room of the house, nice furnitures, his videogame console,his tv, his idk how many different clothes, shoes, 2 bikes, and he is not satisfied by all this. I find myself where we try to make him happy all the time.
He is telling his mother that he is scared of daddy and he hates him, because daddy sometimes screams at him when he repeats the same thing 10th time, like, take your shower or finish your homework.
The bio mother is really giving us a hell financially by loading everything for us and teaching her child to get what he wants by manipulating his dad. The SS is really in intolerable limits right now, he lies non-stop about everything.
It's been a long long paragraph, sorry. I just feel that i will explode, I really feel depressed and drained.
What can I do? On monday he will be back to our house and just thinking about it is enough for me to cry. I just cant even bare to see this face anymore.
Let me know if you have questions so that I can explain better. I really can't even write everything, it's way too much!
Thank you even for reading. It is soothing to know that there are people out there who went through similar problems.

Thank youuuu for your

Thank youuuu for your comment.
I talked to my husband, I even did a depression because of his spoiled child - it was when the SS ruined my birthday night completely by calling his mom and telling her that we let her all alone at home and he is bored! And he was okay with us, he was smiling and he gave a kiss to me saying hb before we left the house (we were out for 3hours and he ate in his uncle's house which is just the house next to ours)
My husband says he understand and trying to give him some discipline. But it is impossible to punish him. The SS is 11yo and his first ever punishment was in december, he didnt get any screentime for 2 weeks (well we watched one episode of a tv series with him as family activity-just to be nice and not to take all away from him). And he just wanted to leave to go to her mother's house. He called his mom, asked her to find an excuse to take him earlier than normal. She called and told us bull***t to take him. We found the SS hurrying up on his phone trying to delete the call directory.
Second week he was punished, he didnt even bother to come here, he simply sent an sms to his dad, saying "i will stay with mom this week too because i dont want to have troubles there".
Husband doesn't know what to do either. He just began to think that his son doesn't love him - which i think is true but I dont have the heart to confirm that when he says that because i dont wanna hurt him. He is also scared to lose him. When he screams, he is a bad daddy. When he punishes, his son doesnt even want to come to stay. So it's a mess.
The SS said he wanted to play rugby and we said ok. But he is not passionate, he just plays 2 times a week just because. One month ago we were in shoes stores to choose a bd gift for him, and I ASKED HIM if he wants new shoes for rugby, if they became small (we bought the ones he has 4months ago) he said no they're perfectly fine.
Last thursday he was leaving for a match in France with his team, we stopped to her mother's house with him to take his sports bag. He went in her house, stayed 15min and came back. His mom standing on one side, he askes his father if we can buy him new shoes for rugby because his shoes are too small to play (i swear they are not tight at all!). I was like wth! Manipulating little player. I said no, we're on a budget this month. And then the SS says he can buy it with his savings. And my husband doesn't resist and does what he wants. In the car I said i am not happy with this. His shoes are not tight, and he is thinking about this just hours before leaving for the match just after he had 15min of privacy with his mom and just when his mother is present next to him.
We ended in the shop, luckily they didnt have his size at that moment. Few hours after he didnt get what he wants, he said his shoes are okay and they're not so snall. So he left with his shoes for the match. I just get so angry to see my husband manipulated so easily every single time!
In short, my husband is aware of the problem. But he doesn't know how to do. And me neither...

Thank youuuu for your

Oh and yes, the biggest room.

Oh and yes, the biggest room. He just gave it when he moved to this house(i wasnt in his life back then) and it stays the way it is. He feels guilty about the SS all the time because the bio mom sucks and does nothing. But the bio mom and SS are very aware of this and using this point to get all they want without spending time or money for anything. It is abuse, seriously, i just can't witness this any longer.

I am sorry you have to deal

I am sorry you have to deal with this. Having step children seems impossible sometimes. I agree with disengaging and go do something for yourself when your SS is around. He can't make negative comments about you to his BM if you arent there. This unruly child is your husband's problem that he and his ex created with no discipline. You shouldn't have to deal with it. Try leaving the house a few times in a row when he is there and see if anything changes. Good luck ! Sending hugs!

I am sorry you have to deal

I will try the disengaging

I will try the disengaging thing next week. I am totally drained anyway, I just can't handle the SS anymore. DH has to find a way for that. Thank you so much

I agree that dad screaming

I agree that dad screaming doesn't help, and he shouldn't lose his control. To give an example, the SS is on the couch, didn't take a shower since 2 days, DH says it's time to take a shower, the SS looks at him staying mute, and then turns his head and continues to sit. The DH repeats after 5 min, the same reaction, finally after several times the DH raises his voice and the SS moves upstairs slamming the door mumbling things. When DH gives a punishment, he just gets away with it by simply calling his mom and going to her house (there he has zero rules, he is still sleeping with his mother too).
This is one of the smallest and almost most normal problem that we have, well preteens need to be reminded to do things sometimes and it is okay. What is not okay is his non-existing authority pattern and using his dad just for material things.
I read the article here on disengaging and it quite helped me to understand how to do. I will try it next week he's here. I will be happy not to wash his dirty underwear and ironing his clothes for only to find them on the ground stepped on in his room + not cooking cause he is very picky and always finds something to critizie.
DH needs to discipline the SS or I will go crazy. We love eachother so much, and when we are alone without the SS we pass a perfect time. And we plan to have a baby in future. I dont want that my marriage to be destroyed because my SS is sucking the life out of us :/

The decision of custody by

The decision of custody by the judge is 50% since he was born. The DH doesn't let him espace to his BM like this everytime, but i see that he gets scared to lose his son so avoids punishments. And not to mention that the SS is well aware of this so he is pushing his chances even more. I talked to my DH about all this already and he is kind of supportive. Tomorrow the spoiled brat is here, wish me luck. Thank you very muchh. It really helps to read other stepmoms' experiences.
Will post how it is going with disengaging

The decision of custody by

Oh so happy to find this

Oh so happy to find this forum so that i can see that i'm not the only one who goes through this. If you see my SS, you would say that he is an angel in an instant. He is so professional with doing a theater show, staying silent and giving cute smiles. I was told by my DH's family that when he was a toddler, if he sees a toy and if daddy doesn't buy it, he was throwing himself on the floor and hitting his head on the floor so hard that it was getting bruised.
I witnessed that last year when he was 10yo. His father and him argued because he forgot his homework at school. Then he went upstairs to his room. We heard a horrible sound from the walls. We went up to see that he was hitting his head to the wall!! His father took him by the collar and throw him 2 steps away from the wall. What DH did wasn't a mean thing, it was just to stop him doing his crisis. And now, even that too, turned back at us, he tells his BM that daddy is violent with him and he hates his daddy. I'm like WTH! I'm not saying it because he is my DH but as a person, DH is one of the most anti-violence type of human that one can see. That's just not fair how he is lying all the time, but the next day when he wants a new video game, he gives kisses and askes from daddy, because BM told him to ask daddy to buy it.
I just want my DH to stop feeling guilty of his son. He's getting emotional by thinking like "his mother is useless and she is giving nothing to him, so i must give double". That's exactly what the BM is counting on, that's exactly what she wants. So that she can keep her money for online shopping and also making grocery shopping for her mom. Uuugghh just to think about it touches to my nerves.
Oops it's been a long one again. I needed to let it all out.
Thank you sister, I send you hugs and love from the other side of the ocean.

Hi, had to respond because

Hi, had to respond because your story rang a few bells. The first thing you should do in my opinion is disengage fully, this doesn't mean you have to stay fully disengaged forever you do it to see where your limits are then go from there. Stop doing anything for your ss. This means you don't cook, clean, pick up after, don't do laundry, don't discipline, don't buy things for him, don't even hang out with him..all the while remaining pleasant. Disengaging doesn't mean you have to be dragonlady, you just shift all the parenting over to your dh and if the kid asks you anything you say 'Ask your dad'. And stick to it. It's hard at first but just stick with it and you'll notice the difference soon. I've been on and off disengaging for the past 3 years or so and I think I finally got the hang of it, found my balance. Also what I found helps is don't engage your dh in any kind of conversation about skid, if he asks your advice or whatever just say something like well I think you can handle it or that sounds fine, don't get involved.
My ss is 10 so similar age. Mine too has perfected the art of acting cute and pouring on the baby voice for effect meanwhile inside there's a whole other agenda at play, I see right through it and have done for years. You just have to ignore it otherwise it will drive you crazy and they know it.
Since being disengaged all the things I tried so hard to teach ss have fallen by the wayside because dh doesn't enforce it, brushing teeth, tidying his room, clearing the table, picking up after himself, the list goes on, but not my kid not my problem.
My dh has to tell ss 10 times to do ANYTHING. He will not listen to his dad he just sits there and ignores him, it goes on forever and yes inside I'm fuming but I just keep my mouth shut. I realised that everytime I interfered dh and I would end up arguing and ss would put the baby show on and look like the victim when the argument was basically started because of his insolence! Stay out of it. My ss visibly gets a kick out of us bickering and the only time we ever do is when ss is staying with us so don't take the bait. It's manipulation.
SS is also very good at keeping HIS calm, he never loses it. Dh will say brush your teeth maybe ten times in the space of an hour then he'll get pissed and say brush your teeth! And ss will smile sweetly and in a baby voice say yes daddy and dh forgets the hour that passed when he was ignoring him!
Disengage is the best advice, you'll be a lot happier for it! Takes a while to master it but it's worth it. When your ss visits you show absolutely no signs in front of him that ANYTHING is bothering you and just watch what unfolds you'll be surprised how the dynamics change in your house.

Thank you for sharing your

Thank you for sharing your experiences. Your ss sounds like the same, passive aggressive behaviour uuggh. Yesterday ss came back to our house after school. I wasn't rude with him, but i just gave him a welcome kiss and that was about it. I was always trying to help him with his mathematic homework. Yesterday I did nothing. Instead, I just took my coffee and went to the backyard to play with my dog. When I came inside he was still struggling with the same exercises, he told me he doesn't understand. I basically said "call daddy to help you". After spending 1 hour with his son, homework is finished. And DH finally realized how ss isnt doing good at school.
For dinner, i did the same thing. Daddy cooked and set the table.

But yesterday evening brought us another storm. I'm not sure if I need to start another thread for that.

After dinner, DH and ss stayed at the table. ss was mute all day and didn't even talk much (he had a big rugby match during the weekend and he left to France 4 days with his team and coach). DH was kind of expecting that ss would be excited about the trip and would tell him about his first match in another country alone. Nope, of course it didnt happen. And DS asked him how it was, you know, desperately trying to start a conversation with his son, and he got a cold "it was fine".
That's when DH got nervous. But he did a great job staying calm and talking very nicely. He said "i was expecting that you would be more happy and tell more about your trip, i was more excited than you, but i dont understand why you dont show gratitude for all I do for you, you dont even answer when i ask you, you stay mute, tell me why. I want to know and I dont want to make assumptions, i want to know what my son is thinking".
The ss is totally silent, just sitting, doesnt even look at dh, he continued to do so for 5 min straight.
DH interrupts the ss's silent treatment "see, you never talk. i try to talk to you all the time, but you just keep doing the same thing. it's the same thing when you're with your mother, it is impossible to reach you, you dont text or call me at all. But when you are here, every single day you have your phone in your hand to text mommy or change the room to call mommy. I dont say that it is bad to call your mom everyday, to the contrary it is very nice. I just ask you why you dont do it for me, why you cant be equal with both parents?"
Answer of ss - "i just forget to text you"
DH - i forget isnt an answer because it's your standart answer to everything that you want to avoid answering. There must be a reason. Tell me, so I know and maybe try to change it too.
SS gives silent treatment for 5 min
DH (with a little bit serious tone of voice) - "ok stop to be silent, i try to talk to you and it is disrespectful. Are you scared? It's why you dont answer?
Ss- no i'm not scared.
DH - then i dont know what to say
Ss - it is different when i am with mom and it is better
DH - better in means of?
Ss - i am happier when i am there, i dont know why
DH - i'm not angry at you my boy, but i know why. Because there, you dont have any rules and you just get everything the way you want. You dont have to take a shower or brush your teeth everyday, you dont have to finish your homework rightaway, they can wait till 10pm, you dont have to flush the toilet either, and it is perfectly okay if you spend 5,6, even 7 hours in front of your screen. It is true?
Ss - yes it is why. Here i'm not comfortable. I talk to mom and she said i can choose with which parent i want to stay when i'm 12. (He's 11). I prefer to come here only for weekends for every other weekend.
Dh - okay, it is not you to decide that. But if you really choose it, and you will be depressed everytime you come here, i cannot tie you on the chair and keep you here. But before you make such a decision, you must think well. You should know that the rules of our house are very simple and basic, they are not difficult, they are perfectly healthy and normal. And you are a child who is capable to follow them.
(I dont really remember the end of the conversation clearly)
So DH tells ss to go brush his teeth before going to bed. He does so.
This morning, ss wakes up, is told to take his shower, he does so. Came downstairs, didnt say good morning or anything. Pretended as if we dont exist in the room till the moment his dad said "ok we go for school now, the car is in the garage". SS rolled his eyes. DH couldnt help it and said "in our family, when we wake up and come downstairs we say goodmorning, you know it, you didnt even do it this morning, you're angry with me?
Ss - yes
DH - i did nothing to make you angry, son. Believe me.
Ss - the way that you woke me up...
DH - what about it? i did as usual
Ss - i was expecting you to give me a kiss and wake me up slowly, you come and poke me and tell "its time to wakeup buddy".
DH - (he's totally lost) you are really exaggerating, if you're trying to find something to be unhappy about to start the day, it's not working. Get in the car or we'll be late for school.
Ss is silent.
Ss didnt sit on the front seat (if i'm not in the car he's always on the front seat). He sat on the backseat and put his head on his schoolbag to sleep.
I dont know what happened after that point. I dont even know what will happen now. I am so damn confused and tired of all of this. We just cant spend one peaceful day with ss.
It has been extremely long, sorry to make you read a loooong story like this but i needed to explain the hell we had yesterday, one more time.
What do i do know? DH is already talking about giving the BM child support and let her keep him 80%. I didnt make any comments to this because i thought that it might be words said with brokenheart and anger.
I need insights from more experienced stepmothers out there. What do i do now?

It's hard to say what's going

It's hard to say what's going on here but we've had similar experiences with ss and what we've done is just ride it out. We had a period where after setting some ground rules in our home, just normal everyday things, he suddenly got moody on his visits and then a few times didn't come over on our weekends for whatever reason. Instead of making a huge deal of it we decided to just let it be and surely enough he was back into his routine pretty soon. We have ss every other weekend and during holidays. We think he was testing us to see how we'd react if he just stopped coming over eowe or if he was really moody and annoying would he get his own way, didn't work.
It's not that he acts up as such it's more to do with passive aggressive behavior, he seems to like having control over dh and doesn't like being told what to do, he's just manipulative, always has been. Kids know how to pull at their parents heartstrings to get what they want.
If your ss is allowed by law to decide at 12 where he wants to live then I don't know what you can do about it, if he wants to be at his moms. I always feel there's underlying reasons for this though, like you said he gets to do whatever he pleases at his moms so he might prefer it. Then there's the child support thing and the BM, does that have something to do with this, you know?
We find ourselves continuously questioning everything that happens because we never really know where the issues are coming from, is it ss or bm. We're easy going about things and we always have him when we're supposed to, we never change dates or anything but bm is constantly changing weekends and she causes a lot of friction, just comes out of nowhere.
I get the feeling from what you've told us that your ss might be testing you to see how you'll react. He could be feeling insecure or jealous. I would stick to your guns and maintain your normal routines when he does visit, don't change just because he doesn't like homework, brushing his teeth all that stuff. The part about only coming on weekends could be just his way of trying to manipulate you. Hope this helps in some way, I understand how it feels. Oh and the part about about him not speaking, ss does this everytime he's confronted about anything be it big or small he just won't say a word. What would happen if your dh asked bm directly about what your ss has said to you regarding weekends etc. Be interesting to hear what she has to say about it.

Oh by the way, we found out

Oh by the way, we found out on this daily jounal for school that his teacher had put a big red note with a biiig question mark asking why SS was absent on march 23 (he put that note in march 24th). SS was his with his mother. After it was easter holiday and it was his week with us and when his father asked him several times "how it went at school, last week before holidays huh?" he didnt mention that he didnt go to school.
Wait, the reason he didnt go to school is because his mother didnt hear the alarm and wake up. And that's what she put as an answer on the daily journal to ss's teacher.
We dont know her life in detail but when DH was with her, she had serious problems with sleeping pills, DH and other family members always say that she was almost addicted to them and she was always on the couch sleeping, nervous when she has only few pills left at home etc. The BM was using her mother's doctor prescriptions to get more because there is a certain limit of packets you can buy from pharmacy here.
Plus, for the last 2 rugby trainings, ss didnt go because his mother didn't wake up in the morning!!! And we just learned it from his coach yesterday.
The father never knows if his son didnt go to school or even when his son is sick at home with heavy prescriptions from the dr.
The SS isn't bothered by skipping rugby trainings, many matches, school etc.
God, how it is annoying, give me strenght!

Remember also you should try

Remember also you should try to stay disengaged from ss while all of this is happening, by all means discuss it with dh but I wouldn't get involved when ss is with you. I've been down this road so many times and discovered that ss thrives on friction so when he's here I keep my mouth shut and let dh deal with it all. SS is always trying to engage me but I know now that the second I engage he throws it right back in my face, every time. When you stay out of it there's only those two left to hash it out and you aren't the scapegoat anymore. It really helps.

It is time to give both DH

It is time to give both DH and the Skid clarity. No more. No more crap. No more using you and your marrital home as a person and place of convenience. If DH will not paticipate then YOU set the household rules. YOU enforce them. DH can step up and parent and discipline before you have to or he can STFU. Also give him clarity that anything not ordered by the courts as Child Support does not go to the XW/BM. She can live and support the Skid when he is with her on her own income without supplemental income from your household income beyond what is ordered by a court.

As for the XW/BM. She is an entitlement minion POS. Treat her as such. Do not tolerate her crap. When she sends SS to your DH for money, send him back and tell him to recover some of the tax payers money from his mother. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Confronting this kind of crap usually ends on one of two ways. Your partner will step up, pull his head out of his butt, parent and be the equity life partner that you thought he was or he will leave. Either way is a win for you.

Good luck.

Ughh There's the update.

Ughh
There's the update. Yesterday DH asked ss how he is feeling and if he want to continue with his decision to come here in eow. Guess what? Ss changed his mind. He said "sorry for monday evening, i thought about it and i changed my mind, i want to keep it like it was (50%)". DH told him that the rules of the house will not change and he needs to follow them no matter what. Ss said okay (he always says ok).
I told SS yesterday that in our house we dont manipulate others and he is always doing it, that he might be thinking that nobody sees it but we do and we dont tolerate it here. He acknowledges that he manipulates. He answered "i know i manipulate sometimes, im sorry".
Even doing what he did yesterday, in my humble opinion and experience, was a manipulation itself.
So he steers the wheels, when there is a confrontation he says he wants to stay with mommy, 2 days later when the waters calm down he says "oh wait i changed my mind, i can stay with daddy too". And everybody follows him.
DH asked "what changed your mind? Why you dont wanna be here one day and want to stay the other day?"
SSs answer: it depends on my day and my mood.
(!!! correct me if i am wrong but isnt this answer alone enough to show that he is playing with us around his finger???)
I am totally drained. I cant continue like this. I talk to DH yesterday night, asking him "so what now? what do you think about all that?"
"We will wait and see how he will behave"
I told him that it will be ok for maximum 1 week and after ss will play with us again like always. I also told him that we should stop being too optimist and hoping that all will be fine this time, because thats what he does each time and we fall down each time. I dont want to live his over and over and over till the point where i look back in my life and see my years passed trying to get a hope from ss and ending up in big shit each time.
I was very direct and said it all. DH understands. But i dont know what will happen now. What? Because the brat said that he changed his mind, all goes back to normal now? Like, we go to the backyard playing, watching movies together, smiles and giggles in the living room... like, no! Effin no! I am not a puppet to change in 1 day, i have feelings and they last. And i dont know how DH will be with him today for afterschool time, and i dont think that i can tolerate to see him in "!all back to normal in lalaland cause i'm a puppet, sunshines and roses" mode with ss. I am already disengaging so i participate nothing with ss. If DH gets on his polyanna mode on, well, i cant take it anymore. I cant dream a future with a man who is so easy to be manipulated by a brat, no matter how much i love him.
Now what? Where do we go? How should i feel? I now nothing at all.

Just take a deep breath. Your

Just take a deep breath.
Your ss sounds exactly like mine and I have tried all ways to cope with this kind of behavior and you know what the only thing that has worked: disengaging. Just do it and stick with it. You can't change how your ss behaves or your dh for that matter, it's his son at the end of the day and he is the parent. You will drive yourself crazy if you try to control how your dh parents his son. Yes it's annoying and crazy-making but that's why disengagement works.

When I first met my dh ss was little and I went into it thinking we'd be happy families and everything would just work out. I did everything for that kid that a parent would (probably my first mistake but it was instinctual) and then all of a sudden it changed. SS became bratty, would just ignore me, treated me like his maid, was fake nice when he wanted something then threw it back in my face afterwards, he would lie and manipulate. Dh was oblivious to most of this. I'd complain about ss and dh would get defensive.
Finally I had it out with dh and said if things don't change I'm going to lose it. So dh stepped up and that's when ss became moody and started to not show up sometimes for his visits, bm would change weekends or she'd say ss would rather go to his grandparents or something like that. SS had lost his control over us and our home and he didn't like it.

I disengaged. It was amazing how things changed when I did. Dh was enlightened, he suddenly started to see how annoying and disrespectful his son was because I wasn't in the equation it was all on him. So, I've disengaged and re-engaged many times in the past couple of years and now I'm pretty much fully disengaged and it's a whole lot better. I'm pleasant and friendly when he's here I just don't do anything for him and I leave everything up to dh. I don't agree with some of the ways he parents (or doesn't parent) but HE'S the parent, not me.

It can make you feel sick when crap happens like this and then suddenly it's all sunshine and roses again with no consequences, well this will happen over and over, it's the kid manipulating his father and I doubt if it ever ends. I see it all the time you just have to learn how to switch off from it. The freedom you feel when you've disengaged is so liberating. You can still support your husband and don't disengage from him just let him deal with all the parenting stuff, don't feel like you need to control everything when ss is there. If he's anything like ours he'll know he's winding everybody up especially you so don't give him the satisfaction. Try not to get stressed about this, try disengaging and see how you feel, it works for a lot of us.

Thank you for your words. It

Thank you for your words. It helps a lot really. I began disengaging this week so i'm new to this. Yesterday when ss came back from school and started his homework (which was only 10 exercises of multiplication), spent 1h and then his cousin showed up to play together in the backyard, daddy let him play even though he didnt finish his hw, saying "ooh its just few multiplication problems and he did half of them already, he will finish when his cousin leaves".
Cousin leaves, continues homework for half hour and finishes. Daddy controls and there is not one correct answer, 0 out of 10. Well, not my problem. Daddy spent another 1 and a half hour with him redoing all. I stayed out of all of this, doing my thing. It was already 20h30 when they finished so dinnertime passed a looong time ago, I made myself a sandwich around 7 (i dont like eating late and i'm not gonna wait for the brat to finish his hw for that). After DH cooked, set the tabl, cleaned the table. Tired from running around since hours, i could see that he was expecting me to cook and set the table. I didnt even open my mouth for that, letting him what he has to do for his son. Not my problem. If he is so tired, he can ask his son to help him, you know, but the plates and forks, clean the table after you eat etc. If he lets ss sit his ass down while daddy's running his butt all around, that's not my problem at all.
And yeah i was right. DH is on "sunshine and roses in lalaland" mode, already forgot and forgave all, SS didnt have to pay for anything for that he did, he just said i just changed my mind aaaand submissive daddy forgot everything and in his service again!
Well, it's true that disengaging is relaxing because i dont have to wear myself off running around. It is difficult to adapt to it, but i stick to it hoping that it will be easier in time.
Wish me patience

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I just can't! Manipulative 11 yo SS + his biomother