Pushed Under the Bus by SO because he didn't want to upset Ex Wife
Hi everyone! Glad to join a group of amazing women who know the daily challenges of dealing with step children and crazy domineering ex wives. My partner and I have been together for almost 2 years now. His four tween/teenager children live with him every other week. He lives with me and my 4 children on the weeks he does not have his kids. His Ex was very abusive and hyper religious and he left her a couple years ago. Anyway.... his dog was recently diagnosed with stomach cancer and was put down last Friday which is the day all hell broke out between me and his Ex wife. I am not a dog person! However, over the last two years I came to love the dog, paid for half her food, vet bills and developed a loving relationship with the dog. I loved his dog because I knew how much he loved her. I noticed a change in her health, made vet appointments, paid half her bills, gave her pain meds and even called to have her put to sleep because she was really suffering in pain. So here is what happened:
SO texted his Ex the Thursday to say Katrina (dog) was being put to sleep. He asked if Ex wanted to say good bye since they had shared the dog for several years while they were still together. The Ex never liked the dog and easily gave Katrina up in the separation. The Ex said she wanted to say good bye. An urgent last minute decision was made to put the dog down the following day because she was in real pain. The vet only had one appointment left that day and it was in 2 hours from the time I called so I took it despite the fact that it didn't give us much time. SO fell asleep holding his dog and awoke to me gently telling him "it is time babe" and the appointment was in 40 minutes. I knew he needed his sleep and needed to spend that time holding Katrina. He quickly texted his kids who were on their way home from school and they said their last good bye. He also texted his Ex and agreed to bring the dog to her house on the way to the vet so she could take 2 minutes to say good bye. Anyway.... when we got to her house she jumped in the back seat with the dog! My SO looked shocked and confused but regardless drove off without saying anything. I ended up saying "I think she should drive separately because we are going to bury the dog at my mom's house". Well... the Ex laid into me about how it is her right to be with the dog because she has been with the dog for 7 years as oppose to my short time! She bashed our relationship, called me his "lover" hinting I was just a mistress and even commented on my panties???? (no idea how she knows what type of underwear I wear?) I defended myself and said we are going to marry soon and we live together on the weeks he does not have his kids. She stormed out of the car and drove behind us while we travelled to the vets. I yelled at SO on the way to the vet and said I did not want her to be there. He hesitantly agreed to my request for her not to be there when Katrina was administered the lethal dose of medicine. At the vets I nugged SO several times and asked him to tell the Ex aka bitch she was not welcome in the room during the injection. HE SAID NOTHING. When the the time came, I spoke up and said SO and me would like to be alone during the injection. The Ex spoke up in her domineering horribly loud annoying voice "I have a right to be there!" SO shook his head and agreed so I walked right out of the room and was not there when our "fur baby" passed. I came in a few minutes later and saw SO laying on the floor on her side beside the dog! Shortly afterwards she walked out of the room after the dog had passed and left without saying anything to either of us. We argued for over an hour as we drove with Katrina's dead body in our car! I feel very badly about that. We were going to bury the dog at my home since we had planned to move in together in the fall so it didn't make sense burying her at his house since it will be up for sale soon. I ended up getting out of the car and leaving him to bury his dog wherever he chose (his Ex's house for all I cared)! What bothered me the most is SO cared more about his EX's desire to be there than my feelings of not wanting her there. He felt that she should be there is she wanted because he is a "nice guy" and doesn't want to hurt anyone. Well he hurt me and completely disregarded my strong feelings on the matter. He made me look like a bitch in front of her and the vet and favoured her need over mine. He did not defend me when Ex chewed me out in the car. He "sort of" admitted later than the EX was likely only there to assert her dominance and make sure I knew that she could make him jump and had control over him. It worked and he definitely jumped and I felt hurt, humiliated and thrown under the bus by the man who is suppose to be loyal to me especially with regard to matters concerning his Ex wife. He does not like to deal with conflict and I think he froze and did not stand up to her. The Ex never loved the dog and has not been in the dogs life for the last two years. I had a relationship with the dog and it was our "fur baby". We are older and will never be able to share children together so I felt this was our only breathing connection. I was so hurt that I left the relationship (we are not married yet but common law). Are my feelings and decision reasonable? Btw this was my first real interaction with the EX lol!
Yes I feel very bad as I said
Yes I feel very bad as I said in my post. : ( Katrina had a peaceful death and she had an amazing 12 year life! I feel that this whole situation could have been prevented by SO not telling his EX the dog was going to be put to sleep OR stating his intention when she got in the car. He should have said " We came here so you could say good bye. Julie and I would like to share this moment together and privately". Instead he looked like a deer caught in the head light and lost his voice. She was very emotionally and verbally abusive to him and he left the 19 year marriage because of how unkind she was to him. He has trouble speaking his mind and instead he lets conflict unfold without doing anything and ends up usually hurting me in the end.
That's the pattern.... SO is
That's the pattern.... SO is still afraid to stand up to his EX. He is afraid of her drama after years of fighting and emotional abuse. She still wants to know she has ultimate control over him. He has healed somewhat and improved since we have been together but to me, this felt like ultimate form of betrayal and essential a deal breaker in our relationship.
There was no big
There was no big escalation/drama at the vets office. I left the room when the EX would not. I did this to prevent words and drama. When I said kindly "Me and SO would like to be alone during the injection" the EX spoke up in a loud bitchy domineering voice " I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE HERE"!. I left quietly and did not make a scene. i did not return until after the dog had passed and even at that time did not make a scene in front of anyone.
Under the circumstances,
Under the circumstances, emotional turmoil and personal grief, I felt I acted well and even SO agreed that there was not very much drama at the Vet's office. Believe me there could have been with the way I felt lol!
Your SO was most definitely
Your SO was most definitely in the wrong here, your feelings should always trump BM, she is not his partner anymore, the loyalty etc stopped when their relationship stopped imho.
I, for one, am soo fed up with "men" that cannot and will not stand up to their ex's and leave their current gf/wife in the dust to look like a fool and further make the ex feel like and believe they are still in control. That bullshit is completely disrespectful and hurtful, if these men don't want to stand up to their ex's for whatever reason then perhaps they should stay with them and spare another woman the heartache of being second...if you CANNOT AND WILL NOT put your current SO/WIFE FIRST in all things then stay single or get back with your friggin ex smfh...
Thank you for validating my
Thank you for validating my feelings : )
To all the dog lovers on the
To all the dog lovers on the site please know that i treated Katrina EXTRMELY well with loving attention especially in her last few days. i FEEL VERY BADLY THAT i argued during the 6 min car ride to the vet's office. I am human and will always regret that. : (
It is understandable that you
It is understandable that you would have doubts about ending your relationship. However, take it as a lesson learned from me, He will NOT change.
Now that BM knows for certain that he will JUMP and throw you under the bus the second she yells, it will only get worse.
She will control every aspect of YOUR life together from this moment on.
So although it is very painful now, you will be very thankful later. Because if you stay, she will without doubt make your life hell.
He has proven he will not defend you or take your side. This will NOT change....Let me repeat....THIS WILL NOT CHANGE.
He will not suddenly grow a pair and stand up to her.
He may try it...ONCE...but it will not stick.
You have just saved yourself a life of heartache, pain, feeling last in line and emotional turmoil.
Take the time you need to mourn the relationship and then go find a man who has a set, or no children...I prefer the no children route.
Definitely no children!!
Definitely no children!!
Yeah.. wish it were that
Yeah.. wish it were that easy..lol. When you get to be a "certain age" it is more likely than not that people in the dating pool are going to have baggage of kids with EX's.
My brother was actually on the fence whether he wanted to stay with his GF because he knew she wanted kids. He was in his mid 40's (one prior marriage with no kids) and he wasn't sure if he would be a good dad. A lot of this stemmed from the fact that he thinks our parents did a kind of crappy job at times with us.. my brother ended up having an addiction issue that is now behind him.. but I think he still kind of blamed my parents. This was my advice.
At your age.. almost 100% of the women out there are going to have kids. You are way better off if you love your GF to have a kid WITH her because chances are you are gonna have to deal with kids.. and they might as well be YOURS.
Long story short, they did have a child and he is a really good father.. in fact probably better parent than she is..lol.
Now, 4 skids would be a challenge for sure. There are a lot of instances where your SO would have to deal with the EX. If she is an unpleasant person, it's likely he will go the non-confrontational route more often than not. That's one thing if it's something that doesn't really impact you.. but a different thing when he all of a sudden takes your retirement accts to pay for the skids college at the EX demand..lol.
So, while this particular issue was pretty fraught with emotion, if he can't see how you at least need to be respected.. it will be a problem. I don't agree necessarily that he has to back you 100% of the time "no matter what". You are capable of being wrong and he shouldn't have to back you if you are behaving badly..lol. But you should feel like he supports you and takes your needs and feelings into account.
MOST DEFINITELY NOOOOOOOOO
MOST DEFINITELY NOOOOOOOOO CHILDREN....I know I will NEVER do this shit again if my DH and I don't work out bc I can tell you one thing for certain I don't have the BM issues like you do BUT now that my DH's brat has decided he wants back "in" with my DH, my DH has his phone up his ass allll the time, he is secretive, he hides shit from me and I know he lies to me about skid related things too...and this is ALL BC OF A FUCKING KID!!!!!! :sick:
STAY TF AWAY FROM MEN WITH KIDS/BM IF YOU WANT ANYTHING REMOTELY CLOSE TO HAPPINESS, HONESTY, TRUST ETC...
Yes a really terrible day all
Yes a really terrible day all around for everyone concerned! His EX got off the easiest of course. That is one scenario that i would like to go back in time and figure out how to do better....
If you were willing to leave
If you were willing to leave him over one bad day with him/BM/and the dying dog, you don't "love him passionately".
Unfortunately it isn't this
Unfortunately it isn't this one situation. He has trouble dealing with conflict in general especially with his EX and has thrown me under the bus before. This was a last straw. Also, I am dealing with the usual stepkids who don't like me scenario and he is financially challenged because his EX took him for everything! i was willing to overlook the financial difficulties his divorce has caused him and accept the fact that a couple of his kids don't like me. However, I cannot stand being made a fool especially in front of his Ex and being with a partner who isn't loyal to me and will cave into his EX when he is dealing with an emotionally loaded situation.
4 kids is gonna cost him in
4 kids is gonna cost him in support and honestly is going to be a financial drain on him for a long time..not just court ordered support.. but other kid "needs". To be fair, he probably does owe it to the kids he created to support them financially.. YOU on the other hand, do not need to compromise your finances. If living with this guy was gonna be pauper city.. it seems all romantic that all we need is love, but that's BS. We need to feel secure emotionally and financially. Being broke.. and especially when you are broke because of choices he made to have 4 kids with his EX will become gratingly old.
Thank you for reminding me of
Thank you for reminding me of this! My previous marriage was successful financially but i never really loved him as much or as passionately as i do my current SO. I married the last man because I was young and preggo. We had a good life and marriage overall but it lacked the passion and I loved him more like a brother/son. I thought I would marry for love this time. Most people do the reverse lol. Maybe if i had seen the other side of not having your financial needs met i would be running from my current situation?
I am trying to shake my head
I am trying to shake my head and rationally look at the obstacles in our relationship to determine if it is worth it. On the other side, he really "gets" me most of the time. I normally feel his loyalty. I love him so much, he treats me extremely well, we have an AMAZING SEX LIFE and he has made some progress with his baggage. What gives??
Honestly.. he has 4 kids..
Honestly.. he has 4 kids.. you have 4 kids. That is EIGHT children. Children can (and usually are) very self centered and with 8 individuals all trying to place claim on priority, you are just looking for trouble.
You are gonna have issues with the EX's.. you are gonna have issues between your kids where each of you is liable to take the side of your Bios. You are going to have a LOT of financial strain trying to fulfill the needs and wants of 10 people. To top it off, you have a guy that isn't particularly good at saying no to people.
Expect him to make decisions that affect your household and finances without you. When his daughter HAS to attend that pricey private college.. yep.. he will sign the student loan.. Unless you are 100% on the same page as to how both your kids will be treated it's gonna be an issue. Also, who makes more.. will their kids get bigger stuff as a result? Who comes first.. is it his bios first then you.. then your kids?
I can't imagine how many competing needs there will be in that blended house!
Honestly, The best thing you can both do is get your kids raised and out of the house..trying to merge your families will probably not work out well.
You make a lot of sense. We
You make a lot of sense. We both make descent money but I bring much more financial assets to the relationship and a prenump has been discussed. He lost a lot of money in his divorce. His EX never worked and was a spoiled "kept" bitch who was never satisfied with anything he did for her. I on the other hand, worked my ass off during my last marriage and continue to do so. I would have to help pay for his daughters expenseive private college (she has actually just been accepted lmao!) In terms of blending, we had planned on his kids moving into my house and renovating the basement to give his kids their SEPARATE living unit complete with kitchen. They are 10, 13, 15 and 18. The one will be leaving for school this coming Sept! I don't want to be their mother and I am fine with their attitude towards me as long as they are not abusive to me. I gave up the whole Brady Bunch dream long ago lol
lmao! Appreciate your
lmao! Appreciate your honesty! If only SO could speak his mind as well as most of the women on this site. If it wasn't for the fact that I am sexually attracted to men, I swear I would be a lesbian! life would be much easier I think.
See.. already, you were gonna
See.. already, you were gonna have to pony up for the kid's pricey college. No. that is in no way fair to expect you to chip in to pay for his and his EX's child to go to school. You never know what the future will bring. What if you need that money in the future for YOUR kids.. or a health problem or whatever?
It sounds like you are a little better off than him.. your house is better.. you don't have child support pmts like him etc.. You will grow to resent paying the bills for people (his kids) that don't like you.
I have 2 skids. I'm pretty lucky in that my DH doesn't believe in indulgence of whims for the kids. They had reasonable clothes and he paid support and medical bills and we took vacations.. but kids had very moderate first cars and they were on their own for post secondary education. He made it clear that is how it was going to be and they as a result are pretty self sufficient girls that both have Full time good paying jobs while they go to college part time. Still, I had to help him with their expenses at times and it would have seriously grated on me if they didn't like me. I'm not saying they aren't more loyal to their mom, but he never allowed them to disrespect me at all.. and I have a friendly relationship with both of them. They both show appreciation for what we do (for the most part.. they ARE teens/young adults...and they are more self centered at that age).
If he isn't setting expectations.. expect to have to make up the difference constantly. Expect his EX to expect you to pay for things.. like my DH's Ex did. More than once it came out of her mouth that "Get the money from your Wife".
So.. while this situation was more of a straw that broke the camel's back.. you should probably take this opportunity to separate from him and find someone who can offer you a less tumultuous life!
I know. Wish you could come
I know. Wish you could come over here and give me a shake! Love, emotional connectedness and sexual attraction are such stupid and dumb feelings and emotion! Normally I am a very objective balanced intelligent woman. Now tell me....If given the Choice???? QUESTION.... IN ALL HONESTY, WOULD YOU PREFER TO MARRY A MAN FOR LOVE OR MONEY?
That's kind of a 'trick"
That's kind of a 'trick" question because it is rarely all or nothing.
My dad gives my skids great advice to "marry for money.. divorce take half.. then go marry for love".. lol. He is joking..... kindof.
The problem is that it's not so much having a LOT of money that's important, but lack of money can create so much stress that the love can die out... right?
In the grand scheme of things i would rather settle for someone who is self sufficient financially that I LIKE and RESPECT vs RAGING LOVE or MULTI MILLIONS.
Living off love is a romantic concept of the movie variety. In reality, it is NOT fun when you can't pay the electric bill or can never buy a new pair of shoes despite the fact that you earn a good living. Add to that the problems of having to take on the responsibility of people you didn't create and who don't want you in your lives.. well thankless task times 10. Your passion is going to die out from all that stress.
Good advice here - sorry for
Good advice here - sorry for losing your dog, first of all. Sounds like it was just the final straw that really confirmed that SO/EX is really not "done" with his ex. If he was, he would stand up to her. He may not love/like/respect her, but he's not 'done'.
I saw some behavior with my now dh very early in the relationship while we were dating, where he was TOTALLY care-taking the ex, trying to please her and get her to still 'approve', which she never will - it would mean giving up her power. At one point, I just calmly told him, that I had just gotten out of a relationship with three people in it, and I was not going to do it again, ever. He instantly "got it". I was amazed at the change. Of course things have cropped up over the years, but by and large, he no longer cares what she thinks. EVEN THEN, I can't say I would for certain do it all again. The Ex HATED losing that control, and literally told him she was going to make his life a living hell. And she tried. But we do still love each other, and she has even mellowed over the years...
With 8 kids between you though, yeah, I think you made the right choice, as hard as it may be. Who needs a lifetime of tug-of-war with an ex? Ugh. Cut your losses.
Wished I could show you all
Wished I could show you all my gratitude for your input. Thank you all so very much! This has been more helpful than hours of expensive therapy and i truly believe that having lived through this types of scenarios and struggles you are by far the experts in this field. I am not 100 percent sure what I will do? However, you gave lots to consider and incredible insight. Thanks again friends : )
I would add another thought.
I would add another thought. What do YOUR kids think about him and his kids? While I am not a huge advocate of lettiing kids rule their parents' lives, if your kids have reservations with him and his family.. that is going to be one more set of conflicts you will need to resolve with him.
At this point it appears you have broken up and while it didn't happen in the best way.. it may be for the best.
You would probably be doing yourself a favor to not let this drag into an on and off again relationship with either of you wanting to bail when things get rough.. and with 8 kids and his EX ... it WILL happen.
In all honesty...my kids all
In all honesty...my kids all LOVE him which makes the whole thing even harder. My 9 year old son actually says he "loves him" while my 11 year daughter says "he's not bad for a step dad". His kids don't associate with my kids very much even when together but they are not unkind to them.
Please dump this loser/user
Please dump this loser/user NOW! He's treating you like a wallet and a doormat. He expects you to pay for his daughter's college? OMG.
Any man who has his hands in your pocket to tap your credit and your money is suspect. Add in his absolute and utter disrespect of you and that man has LOSER/USER flashing in neon lights from his forehead. He should be kissing your ass and begging you to forgive him - not berating you while he demands more money - still find it hard to understand his reasoning of why YOU should pay for his child's education.
You can do better than this man.
^^This. My thoughts when I
^^This. My thoughts when I read that about college.
K... this is where I need to
K... this is where I need to be slapped...he has never asked me for financial help nor is there ANY expectation that I help him financially or assist his daughter through school. He is a very proud man who has a high paying position (most of which goes to his Ex for child support and alimony etc). In my "love haze" i want to help him as much as i am able because I am in a financial position to do so and I love him so much that I want to be generous. I admit that on occasion my sharing nature sometimes feels like a curse and i feel that I am being too generous. See how complicated this sitation is for me and how hard my decision is to remain apart or reconcile?
I can barely remember the
I can barely remember the simple sweet days when I younger and dated men without the EX's and kids. Most of our conflict is about that and rarely if ever involves disagreement that pertain only to us. As a couple we are happy, rarely fight, love and live life passionately.
This story reminds me of our
This story reminds me of our situation. A very old dog that's DH and the ex took care of said dog in writing from divorce. Which was a control move that way she'd demand he let all the dogs out while she was at work. Pathetic.
Then when the dog became even more feable peeing all over ,after we took her to his dad's house. Because after i was in the picture. She demand he do something .We couldn't keep her Bc our lease wouldn't allow it. She lived with his dad as he is elderly and the two faired out as a good match.
DH told his daughter he's putting her down but backed out. No one ever proclaimed any need to be at the death bed. So then, the dog got worse.
His daughter has proclaimed it's her dog. Whatever.
So, DH called daughter and son. No real response of oh we want to be there at final day.
But ex writes out an elaborate blog post about the dog.
It was never her dog . And it was just a power tool for manipulation of DH . But people on social media were feeling sorry for her. It was DH beloved dog.
He did all the training and showing.
She's an attention whore too.
Btw, his ex sounds like his own ex. She's loud and controlling.
Don't let her win and yell at him. I've learned alot since I have a toxic BM to hear about. Cough.
Smile and laugh at her so she's looking like the idiot.
My DH is like that. He admitted I want to be the good guy. He just sits there and does nothing.
Being quiet men think it's magically going to go away.
I'm here to say, no it don't . It grows.
Just treat him right. Put that hand on his leg and smile.
The last time my SS 19 came over. He never spoke two words to me . DH held my hand and SS look like he was,going to fall over. I was shocked at the face he gave.
DH said Bc he never held BM hand. I have no idea why. Nor care.
But kill her with kindness. Be loving to your soon to be husband and forget her crazy tail.
The dog was precious to your husband. Make a beautiful collage of the dog. And suggest a beautiful dog garden for the pet. Dogs truly are wonderful and amazing family members
I want to add. I've seen that
I want to add. I've seen that deer in head lamp look.
Men know they can't win. They don't want to cause more friction so they shut down. They get use to getting beat down by control freaks, like the ex. I'm not saying it's right. But men do really good talking it out. Women are so far ahead in thoughts.
I know I probably would of been all crazy on her. So I won't be much help on how to deal with ex wife.
I can't deal with my DH ex wife and I've never ever met her.
She's sneaky, tricky and controlling.