My story so far.... Being a step dad.
First post here! Hi everyone.
I'm 30, met my partner when I was 28, she's 27 and has a 5 year old son, he was 3 when I met her. Her story is that she got pregnant while on the pill and didn't realize she was pregnant until it was too late to have any choice in it, her then boyfriend was abusive and she left him just after the child was born.
We moved way too fast, I knew she had a child but had no idea what I was getting into. I got to know her first and we fell in love quickly, I met her son after about 4 months and I was living with her within about 5. Before moving in she seemed perfect, showered me with attention, always made time for me etc. The bio dad is still in the child's life but only see's him one day each weekend. Looking back we were both so stupid, we never had the "talk" about what my role would be and what we expected of each other etc. She never said it in such words but she always gave the impression that the child has a dad and that she's looking for a partner for her, not a father for her son.
Within week's of me moving in it started, I'd notice the constant stress she was under, how quickly she would be snappy and moody if she'd had a bad day etc. Her son used to be in bed like clockwork when I was dating her but suddenly he wouldn't sleep, we had very little quality time together and my life was becoming more stressful than I ever knew it could be. All the while my list of responsibilities kept increasing, I found myself picking the little one up from school a few times a week, dropping him off in the mornings once or twice and I quickly realized I was turning into "stepdad". It all happened way too fast, back then I had zero emotional involvement with her child, I barely even knew him, my life felt like one massive sacrifice and I had no time for myself anymore.
I ended up getting frustrated because I felt my partner couldn't understand why I was having a hard time, I felt unappreciated and misunderstood and ended up snapping at her and saying "he's not my child, you need to remember that". This hurt her more than you could imagine but I know deep down ITS THE TRUTH! I can't remember the full conversation but it's one she's never forgot, she said I made her feel worthless, like she should be grateful anyone would accept her because she has a child etc, that was never my intention but I felt like she couldn't understand how and why it was a very hard situation for me so I laid it out in clear honest English.
Things got worse before they got better and I'm no angel, I play in a band and dabbled in the occasional recreational drug use before meeting her, nothing excessive maybe once every couple of months. She knew about this but I made a pact to stop it all when moving in. One night at band practise I ended up taking a small amount of drugs, I was overwhelmed by my home situation I just wanted to enjoy myself with my friends. I came home, she knew I had used something and I initially tried to lie about it, fearing she would leave me on the spot if she found out. I messed up, I'm not proud of it but I'd rather people knew the full story. That nearly spilt us up, I realized how terrified of losing her I was and made a decision to put everything into her and her child, I told her this and I've never used drugs again since.
Since then my feelings for her son have grown hugely, I spend a lot of time with him, growing our relationship, I take him out, I wash him, I look after him, feed him, spend my money on him, I bought him a drum kit and taught him how to play, he's shaping into a little boy that I helped create, he tells me he loves me when I tuck him in at night, I say it back to him.
I've put everything into making this work but we still have the same problems we did back at day one. I feel under appreciated, I get very little time with my partner and the whole thing starts to feel like a job, a chore. My partner is tired about 40% of the time, stressed out and grumpy and her son is becoming naughty every single day, it's insanely hard work. After a day or two of her being tired and distant I end up showing passive aggressive behaviour and doubting the whole relationship. She says she has a busy and stressful life so it's natural she will be this way quite often, she feels "worried" to come home tired because I will make her feel like it's a problem. On my side I feel like I put my entire life into us, I've sacrificed lot's to be here and I'm constantly running around trying to meet her expectations and she can't even be bothered to come and give me a cuddle and a kiss when she comes in from work, or to make a good conversation. I tried to explain this last night, I've tried to explain it before but she always says the same thing "I can't change my life, this is what it is, if you can't learn to deal with it, it's not fair to stay here", she says I'm selfish and only looking to get my needs met, that I'm on her case as soon as she doesn't give me attention etc. Her calling me selfish is the worst thing she could say to me, I'm raising her child as my own for Christ sake, that's the most selfless thing a man can do, to this day I still don't feel like she has any idea what it means for a man to do that.
So here I am, completely emotionally invested in the pair of them and basically being told she can't meet my "stupidly high" needs, yet I'm breaking my back to meet hers. She's not a bad person and neither am I but I require more time, attention and affection that she can ever give and I basically need to swallow that if I want to keep her. How do you even do that without feeling resentful and bitter? She think's I'm manipulative and clingy, high maintenance. She says my needs could never be met by any normal person, I feel like that is manipulative, I'm just asking for a bit of affection and attention from my partner at the end of each day, the person I give my whole life too. I don't think that's unreasonable.
This isn't so much a question or a post looking for advice, I just wanted to get this off my chest, she's at work now, in a bad mood with me and not talking because of the reoccurring argument stated above, yet again I'll have to be "sorry" and prove I can make it up to her, prove I am worthy. I'm just not sure I have anything left in me to prove.
I guess because behind the
I guess because behind the irritations is a beautiful woman with a heart of gold, when it's good, it's perfect. She's just so stressed out much of the time I rarely get to that side of her. I keep thinking if I do more I can help fix it, that she will lighten up and her good side will shine most of the time but in the end I'm left drained and seeing little improvement. How do you walk away from someone you love, to be alone, to always wonder what if?
The sad fact is I don't have the capacity to walk away from someone once I love them, always been a weakness of mine.
Exactly this. "what about
Exactly this.
"what about communication, respect, acceptance, honesty, appreciation, truth, friendship, companionship"
If my partner and I didn't have this I would not still be here. We talked about stuff in the early days so we both knew we were on the same page. And he supports me. Sure he gets tired and stressed and snappy sometimes but I know he appreciates what I do for the kids and doesn't expect me to do it as just part of my role.
I don't have children of my own and stepdad85 we are a similar age. Kids can be annoying at any age. It is part of being s kid I think - noise and mess and mayhem.
I think a serious talk is needed but also there needs to be action and changes made not just the same conversation every 6 months.
You again, huh? I love how
You again, huh? I love how you twist my words.
IF this man were to decide to stay with her and he's the one staying home taking care of the house and child and SHE'S working then perhaps he might want to go get a job and not be tied to that role. After I read on I see they are both working so it's not the case. I still say he needs to let her be the one responsible for the care of her own kid if he's doing all the cleaning, etc. (which I don't feel is right if they both work full time).
Mustang, I'm entitled to my opinions on here the same as you. Whether you agree with them or not, I could care less. Have a nice day
You mentioned "how could you
You mentioned "how could you walk away to be alone", if you really think about it you physically and emotionally alone. You are vested in her and her child so why can't she make sacrifices for you with her attitude. If you have expressed your concerns to her, if she really want things to work she will make adjustments to meet your needs. I don't think it's wise to ever tell her that you "don't have the capacity to walk away" because you will never see improvements if she is confident that you will always be there.
I think it's never too late
I think it's never too late for ground rules to be set. You and your partner are late to the game but it could still be done.
Literally take a day at weekend when child isn't there- go through everything together down to the smallest detail
Like literally if you have to divide up days for washing up or whatever you need to do that
Then yo both stick with the plan; it's like a giant court order... You can change it but you have to communicate with other person as best you can and as early as you can
For example her day to pick up and she has a meeting. She finds out day before and you come up with a plan to change the pick up. If you do it then she does it another day to make up for you
You also need to plan together time. Is it romantic? Nope not as you would like but it guarantees the quality time you crave.
You are putting a lot in here, to a child that is not yours. It's great what your doing but where is the child support from dad? How much are you spending?
You sound overwhelmed by everything. And it's hard when you feel under appreciated.
You can always come here to vent so it doesn't overwhelm you too much !
Thank you both, your input is
Thank you both, your input is appreciated :).
Sally, we have talked about those things, I went into this relationship never expecting to want my own child and I'm still uncertain however I do catch myself thinking about it. My partner knows this, she is basically undecided, she always says if we had a bigger house and could afford to do it then it's something she would consider. So she's sensible about it, she's very worried about becoming a single mam to two children and two different dads, which I understand. I may never want one of my own anyway but it is a possibility.
It's really hard because a lot of the time I'm happy and we have great moments that keep it all together but as soon as she goes into "you've hurt me mode" and starts with the silent treatment and threats of breaking up I feel like packing up and walking out. I feel like she can't communicate and it leads to me repeating the same things over and over. It's always the same, I try to tell her something I'm not happy about, she gets mad, tells me she can't change it and I end up going off on one due to frustration and say things that she deems hurtful, then she threatens with breaking up. I feel like the silent huffs she goes into are in a way abusive, I'm clearly not a bad person and I clearly care for her and her child, she makes me feel like I'm a complete bastard sometimes and all I'm ever trying to do is explain MY feelings. I told her this last night and now she's not talking to me again due to the "horrible accusations" I've made by telling her it doesn't sit right with me and her behaviour feels abusive. It's crazy making, after each argument I'm sat thinking "is it really me?" "am I at fault here?".
To help put it into perspective I'll explain last nights argument in full. She came in tired and was really quiet, I made her dinner and sat beside her, asked if she was ok. She said yes, she's just tired. I sat quiet for a while then asked her about her day, I got little response. My mam text me and I started explaining to my partner what she had text for, I finished my sentence and she was looking at the ground, she looked back up and said "what?", it bugged me, I felt like she wasn't even listening so I said "it doesn't matter". Then a big rant from her follows about how I can't bear her being tired and if she's to tired to give me attention I turn into a dick head etc.
I told her this isn't the case, but it's human nature to get a bit frustrated when finishing a sentence and noticing you're not being listened too. She say's I always end up "jumping down her throat like that" when she's tired and she's sick of it. I realize I should handle her being tired better, maybe back off a little and give her space etc but when it's happening on a weekly basis I do get sick of it. I work full time too, I am also a parent but I don't feel the need to come in and sit in silence for a couple of hours whenever I'm tired. Then for me it all leads back to everything else, I've tidied the house that day, looked after the little one, ran around like mad making sure everything Is nice for her coming home and she comes home tired, miserable and can't be bothered to talk, I feel like I'm putting in way more effort than she is.
I constantly try and put myself into her shoes to understand her and I do understand, I can be needy and I do require a lot of attention from her and she is very busy but sometimes I just feel like she's too busy to invest the time or energy into a relationship. It's her way or the highway basically.
Oh and about the dad, he's a chav, doesn't pay a penny, mid 30's and still lives with mummy and daddy, he has his son on his terms when its suitable for him which is once a weekend for one night, that's it.
I look back and wonder what was I thinking sometimes, I'm a fairly well educated middle class guy who moved into a council estate to live with a single mam with baby daddy drama, little free time and high expectations. I feel absolutely horrible saying that but I'd be lying if I said that thought hasn't crossed my mind. Most her friends have kids, most of which to men they are not with, her family is dysfunctional, her mam a complete narcissist. I've always truly felt like my girl is a diamond in the rough, a really amazing person to come from such an area/background but it definitely shows sometimes when she's mad or upset.
She works for normal full
She works for normal full time hours 37 per week on average.
I do feel like she plays the victim a lot and makes me out to be the bad guy when I'm not, I'm not perfect of course but I'm not a bad guy.
I've suspected this was the case but I just so desperately don't want to believe it, she's the sweetest little thing a lot of the time. I actually promised myself not to come onto a forum again because the last time I had pages of people saying she was abusing me and I so desperately don't want that to be true. I also know forums are a hard place to get a full understanding, I'm sure she has a very convincing side to her story too if she told it, she'd probably get similar reply's.
My head is ready to burst, I don't want to leave her. I don't think she's doing anything maliciously I just think she is exceptionally bad at taking any sort of criticism, this thread doesn't mention all the nice things she has done for me and how trust worthy she is etc.
I don't think she ever got over the whole drug thing, that was when most of this behaviour started, someone once told her I was cheating on her too which was all lies but it's broke her trust somewhat. Like I said, this situation is a mess.
Maybe I should stand back a little, monitor my behaviour closely and hers, in the heat of the argument I can never look back on it clearly and always wonder if I was too blame etc.
I'm sorry you feel this way.
I'm sorry you feel this way. It is tough to be a step parent and it the most Unappreciated thing you can ever do.
I've been there and done it TWICE.
During the tough times, try to remember a few key items.
1) You are entitled to your feelings!!! If you feel a certain way, like you are unappreciated, then you have a right to verbalize them
2) Mistakes should be forgiven and not thrown up in your face , If she cannot forgive them and forget them after you have proven change, it is her problem, not yours.
Now, as far as her behavior. She is reverting back to the "you screwed up" comment because it has worked. She is giving you the silent treatment, because it works.
STOP LETTING THAT WORK!! Take back control over YOU!. You have a right to feel as you feel. She is acting cranky and bitchy with you because it seems to "snap you back into shape' in her opinion. She ignores you or is cranky, you come running with an apology.
Stop doing that. Tell her how you feel, tell her what things you would like to see changed, and let it up to her. If she is bitchy and silent, het her wallow in her own attitude and silence until she sees it is not affecting you anymore. Then SHE will be the one to come running back and changing. She is only acting that way because it gets her the results she wants. Once you take that power away from her, she will realize its not working and maybe want to try the adult way to fix things.
If you really want this relationship, try this or suggest counseling for you both.
I did not read all the
I did not read all the comments but here are my two cents:
You need affection, you're partner is not naturally affectionate enough for you. This will never change and your needs will never be met.
I am a very affectionate person, and my ExH was not. Something was always off because of this very simple fact.
My current DH is as affectionate as I am, we both were involved with people for 20 years who were not affectionate, came out of those relationships with ZERO self esteem.
Now that I have someone who is more my style, I have an endless supply of affection and so does he... we're happy.
We all have different styles, there's a book about the 4 love languages, or something like that (perhaps someone else has read it). Although I think it oversimplifies things, it does make a good case for finding someone who expresses love the same way you do.
I'm sure someone in this thread has said "love is not enough". In case nobody has... love is not enough. Women stay in abusive relationships with men who beat them because of "love". Love does not equal a great relationship. I've loved several men in my life but could only create a great relationship with 1.
Move out while the kid is still young. The more you drag it out, the more you will hurt him.
My mam isn't keen on her to
My mam isn't keen on her to be honest, she think's she takes me for granted.
It's driving me nuts. I've been thinking about this all day, she is so adamant I deserve the silent treatment and threats of breaking up because I've been such a bastard. We spoke earlier and she said "first you jumped down my throat just because I was tired then after we argue you try to justify it and twist my thoughts into believing it's my fault". Bearing in mind all I ever did was explain that I have a right to be frustrated if she's coming in tired and basically ignoring me. She accuses me of all the narcissistic behaviour that I think she does.
Thing is, I'm not the one shouting, I'm not the one swearing, I'm not the one threatening to leave and going silent for days on end every time I feel wronged, all I'm ever doing is expressing my side of the story, a side she never wants to hear. I never go quiet on her and make her chase after me with apologies after she has done something to hurt me, I wouldn't do that unless some serious shit had went on like cheating etc. She goes off on one like that because I "snapped" at her for not listening to me.
I need to grow a set and start believing my own thoughts and feelings about what's going on and make my own mind up. I'm obviously a little insecure and when the person you love is telling you "it's all you're fault", "how can't you see what you're doing to us", "I can't believe you don't understand" it gets to you. My self esteem is in pieces.
I didn't really read all the
I didn't really read all the responses so I have no idea what's been said to give further details but from what I'm hearing you say... it sounds like she's wearing the pants in this relationship, she doesn't respect you because she's wearing the pants, takes you for granted and I hate to say, possibly cheating on you. I'm not trying to plant seeds in your head or anything like that but I've known women like yours.
I think you should start stepping back from all this responsibly that's been laid out in front of you and give some of it to her. Lets see how her grumpy attitude is then! I feel like she'll start to lash out at you and manipulate you some more.
You should push for more adult time, try to have more sex, I fear she'll have a laundry list of excuses. If she's not giving it up, start an exit plan.
What's the point of being in a relationship with a woman if your not having sex, you're just roommates and she's got someone on the side.
Sorry, but one child
Sorry, but one child shouldn't be making her that tired. And so what if you got high one night. As long as you don't do it around children, it's your body and your choice.
You're not married, so you're not tied to this woman. You are free to leave at any time, give or take a couple of months to sort out the niceties. Take a step back, assess the situation over the next few weeks and ask yourself is this what you really want. If it isn't, move on.
Being with someone who has kids is not for everyone. It makes sense for some people, but not for others. You can take as much time as you need to work this out for yourself. But don't let the often crippling fear of being alone sway your decision. You are a whole individual. You don't NEED anyone else. If this woman and her child don't complement your life, then you need to ask yourself why you're here.
The good news is that this is
The good news is that this is not an unrecoverable situation. What caught me is your SOs perspective that she cannot change her life. Bullshit. She can but chooses not to.
Were I you I would not hang my star with a partner who things that she cannot change her life.
Move on and be happy.
Now what I should have said first. Welcome, I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the blended family adventure.
Good luck.