SS10 Horrible Attitude

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My ss11 has developed a really nasty attitude in the last year or so. He's a good kid, makes good grades, has a lot of friends and is involved in sports that he enjoys. We've had him full time since before ss10 can remember and have always been close and active in his life. Last year we moved in with my in-laws, DH's mother has been caring for ss while DH and I are at work and school... which she did before we moved in with them... and that is when the attitude started.

We figured that he was having trouble with the transition, even though he has always been very close to his grandparents, but it is now a year later and the attitude doesn't quit. Is this a pre-puberty age thing? We raised him to be respectful of adults and to have good manners and up until last year it was never a problem... now he won't look at us when we speak to him, won't reply when spoken to, talks back to adults, I have walked in on him actually yelling at and arguing with his grandmother, his grandfather is telling me that every time he takes him to a museum or out anywhere for that matter, ss10 tries to manipulate his grandfather into buying him toys, he pouts and mutters things under his breath when he doesn't get his way, he sulks and drags his feet when asked to do anything...

Dh and I are beyond frustrated. Ss10 refuses to engage in conversation about this. Time outs have not worked. Taking toys away has not worked. Reprimanding the behavior as soon as it happens has not worked. Early bedtime has not worked. Making ss10 apologize to his grandparents for his blatant disrespect has not worked. I would love to hear any advice anyone one has about this.

*SS is 10.. sorry, typo.

Thanks for your reply. You

Thanks for your reply. You are spot on, and now I'm kicking myself for not thinking of it sooner - I'm pulling the plug on computer games next time it happens. I foresee a meltdown in the near future

That is a large part of the

That is a large part of the problem, I think.

At least one of us is with ss in the evenings, but he spends a good deal of time with his grandmother.
With MIL there are no rules, no consequences, no discipline and she entertains him arguing with her. DH and I have both tried to talk to her about it to no avail.

Hi, it sounds like you've

Hi, it sounds like you've already tried punishing and creating consequences for the behaviour - it seems unlikely that simply creating worse consequences will have an impact in the long term. If this were my child I would be looking at why the sudden change in behaviour. Happy children don't normally act this way and the fact that there has been a relatively sudden change makes me think he is upset about something.
Maybe he resents spending time with them instead of you? Maybe he feels he doesn't see enough of you and you've palmed him off on the grandparents? Maybe spending so much time with an elderly couple as he's going through puberty is bothering him?
Or maybe there's something else off in his life like something worrying him at school or in his friendship group? Maybe he feels like he's got no one to talk to who really hears him? Whatever it is, it's a clear message that he's fed up about something.
If I were you I would sit down, without your parents, and give him a good listening to. Hopefully he will open up to you but if not you could ask him to write it down in a letter for you to read. And try to accept what he says and find ways to problem solve, even if it upsets you. To me from what you're saying, it sounds like he resents spending more time with them and less time with you, but he might not even be clear himself on what it is. He might just feel grumpy / angry and not know why; children often don't know what the causes of their emotions are.
A book I found very helpful is 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Thanks for your reply. I 100%

Thanks for your reply. I 100% agree with you - Which is why I am so concerned. SS used to be a very happy, bubbly kid. He is now withdrawn and sullen. DH and I have tried to talk to ss about everything you mentioned once we realized that this was more than trouble with the transition. We have talked to him together, separately, with the grandfather... on walks, in parks, at restaurants, casually while watching a movie together... ss is a closed door and I just don't know what else to do.

I have had that book on my wish list on amazon for a while now. I will have to send it over to my cart

...I don't mean to suggest

...I don't mean to suggest that he doesn't need a good talking to about manners but it seems like there might be a bit more going on than just plain rudeness.

There is. I just am really

There is. I just am really not sure what.

It's a lot of change for him

It's a lot of change for him isn't it? Kids react differently, some are more robust than others and it's really tough when they won't open up. Get the book. And if it goes on maybe consider getting some expert help; it's too important to let it drift. Good luck hope it works out for you all!

I'm old fashioned. I think

I'm old fashioned. I think this is a situation where maybe DH ought to consider giving him a good spanking and explaining that children don't run families and that adults do. It sounds like a situation where the inmates are in charge and you are paying the price because of it. If your husband won't stand up to him, this will always be a serious issue.

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