I dont care anymore
Been married to my wife for 6months. Since the beginning my SD(5) and i just havent gotten along. My SS(4) and i love eachother. I just dont care to get along with my SD anymore. We more or less tolerate each other. Shes just been coddled too much for me & her "babyness" is unbearable. I find myself making excuses not to be around her. Even her voice irritates me. I told my wife i preffered if they called me by my fist name because a title is just that, a title. She only calls me dad when she wants something. When she calls me daddy i dont respond and her mom gets mad but whatever i gonestly dont care anymore. I used to feel guilty about not liking a child, but ive found out most of her relatives dont find her pleasing either. Idk but she hurt herself the other day and was crying, i had no instinct to hug her and ask her if she was ok. I told her, "go to your mommy" Any thoughts?
Her father is a deadbeat whos
Her father is a deadbeat whos been to jail. He stopped calling because we live 4 hrs away & "we" dont bring them enough. My wife just thinks i should at least acknowledge her calling me dad. I repeat, only calls me dad when she wants something, besides that she calls me by my first name. She knows im not her father. A few months back her mom and i were play wrestling and thought i was really hurting her. She yelled things lik "go home, get out" "im gonna call you (says my first name)" We plan on moving soon & she asked my wife if she can she get a new daddy when we move or can i not come. But sometimes my wife expects me to be superdad and i dont have my own so its all new to me. My wife talks about she notices we're not close. I wanna stop her & say. "So what, shes a kid and i dont mistreat her." I fear the teenage years
Hopefully I won't offend you
Hopefully I won't offend you in saying (and please correct me if the age has changed), that a 5 year old is looking for a father figure and you're it. You should be thankful for that. However, it sounds like there's a fast forward here that you didn't mention regarding the age of your stepdaughter.
Problem is, if a child/daughter wants to call you Dad..appreciate it..especially if their real Dad is a loser. They look up to you and no matter how much you dislike the idea of the things they do (ALL Dad's do honeybunch..:)..you ARE their father figure. Be proud of the fact that they think so highly of you..and want to call you Dad.
Granted, they'll call you for money (all kids do). What would you do for your own kids? Sometimes you help them out whether you can afford it or not; then there are other times you can afford it, but it's just not a good decision for them. Kid learn good decision making skill from their parents.
It's all about being a parent. If you're in a relationship with someone who allows you to spend enough time with her kids to the point that they want to call you Dad? Relish that!! Not every stepdad is so lucky!!
Why did you marry someone
Why did you marry someone with a child you cannot even like? Is that fair on anyone?
Speak to your wife. Tell her that SD calling you by your first name is perfectly OK. And maybe when SD is more independent like her brother and able to do things for herself you will warm to her more.
SD has learned how to get things from people in the past with the cutsey act. She thinks it will work with you. If you really want your marriage to last and work out you need to sit down with SD on her own and tell her what you like and don't like. Take her out for ice cream... "SD when you whine and want something and make that silly noise it makes me grouchy and angry. I don't have my own kids but I wouldn't let my kids make that silly noise. And stop calling me Daddy. I am not your Daddy. I am John. I would really like it if you would call me John in a normal voice. If you need some help just ask me nicely like you do at school. I don't like whiny kids. And if you stop being a baby maybe this summer I can teach you how to ride a bike/ swim/ fish/ climb a tree"
And you know your wife was looking for a new daddy for her kids, right? she made a poor baby daddy choice. And unfortunately those kids have half their fathers DNA> Hopefully his contribution is 'recessive'.
If you do not want to even try leave now. Because the next 13-18 yrs will be descending levels of hell.
My thoughts are: I don't
My thoughts are: I don't think the idea of "tolerate" is even on the radar of a 5 year old. That struck me as odd in reading your original post. Perhaps YOU only "tolerate" her at this juncture, but I'd be willing to bet the 5 year old is merely trying to adjust and cope.
As a quick fix, I'd say your wife, the child's MOM, needs to up her momming game. Seriously. This child needs validation and love. No better person to be the source of that than the bio parent.
In the big picture? Gah, I don't know. I mean, I'm disengaged from my SD, but if she were to take a fall of the monkey bars or something, you'd bet I'd run over to ensure she's okay and whatever else is required of and from an adult.
I could *almost* see your position as an okay and fixable one if this was a step-mom/SD scenario, but get this gut feeling that this girl is going to have man issues later in life if her mommy stays married to you.
Many of us have married,
Many of us have married, thinking that the kids would "grow"on us.
In my case, one SS and I clicked right away, and we have a great bond. He goes out of his way to be in my car, for example, so that we can listen to music together. It's been an awesome experience.
The other SS is nuts. He's got serious issues, he soils his pants at age 10, he speaks like a 7 year old... I REALLY struggle living with him. It's been going on for 5 years, and it's only gotten worse.
If you've only been married for 6 months, luckily you have some options:
1. Move out and stay married, live apart until the child is grown (my hairdresser is doing this, and it's working out great!)
2. Move out and get the marriage annuled.
3. Make an effort to be a good dad. She doesn't have to call you "dad", but that's a sign of affection, so try not to take offense.
4. Read the disengagement essay with your wife and see if she can agree to living like that.
Good luck! I think we all get into these things with the best of intentions, but it's better to act responsibly and get out quickly when we realize we've made a mistake. I can't get out because I've had a bio child with my partner, and I don't want to break up his home... but you don't have any kids with this woman, and so you have more options.