Jealous and therapy
BM called last night and said that SD10 is angry with dad because she never gets time on her own with him.
SD was on treatment for selective mutism for about a year ,4 years ago, and never continued the therapy. I don´t know why.
When she comes home she does not respond to me or DH, not even MIL, who visits her once a week.
I demanded my DH to restart the psychological treatment every time we had an incident, but BM did not and DH said SD was going to change.
Our vacations were a nightmare, she did not talk for about 20 days, seems depressed and noone does anything about this girl.
At this point, I could do nothing I completey disengaged, and began to ignore her behaviour. Imagine, so many hours, weekends and days with a little girl who does not respond, and her only words to me are: I am hungry, I am thirsty...
We have seen her act/talk normal in a few ocassions. But she looks autistic to me, but at the schools she seems to respond to the teacher and has good grades as she is very clever.
She also does not have friends, does not look in the eyes and has phobias (water, darkness).
BM also said that SD is mad to her dad sp she takes revenge with the rest of the family not responding (me, her SS and SB, MIL).
So I think her pathology is severe, also would like to mention that BM is not a present mom. SD is with us 3 days a weeks, BM has 2 days, and the rest she is with her grandmother.
BM travells a lot (pleasure most and work), and SD stays with us.
Finally, after SDs confession of wanting time on her own with DH, BM agreed to take her to therapy.
She needs therapy so let her
She needs therapy so let her go to it. Seems like that is the best thing.
Stay disengaged and ignore her as you have cause it is horrible to have to deal with someone who is deliberately not talking to you
Focus on your own family and own needs
If she wants space to be with dad alone then give it to her- that is why she comes to visit surely
Final question tho- why is BM calling you? Should she not be calling dh and them deciding a plan together
?
thank you for your comment. I
thank you for your comment. I will stay disangaged and try to give her time on her own with DH, but we have 2 little kids and sometimes it´s difficult to just leave..., I take the kids to the park or the mall but weekends are also their time with Dad.
I mean, my kids are her brother and sis, so they should be within the picture.
Sorry I meant she called home, not me...
Hi there, It's difficult to
Hi there,
It's difficult to have SKIDS with special needs.
I agree that you need to disengage as much as possible to force the bio parents to take action. I know it's logistically difficult (I've got skids with issues and one bio kid with issues). I do a semi-diesengagement because a full disengagement is not really possible, as I have to protect my BD4 from one of the SKIDS.
Disengage from BM if possible too. You need to stop acting as a buffer. If you weren't there, DH and BM would HAVE to do something. This is what you want to achieve.
Disengage to force them to take action.
(my exH stopped talking when he was a child, and although he eventually got "better" when he went to college, he has since been diagnosed with a long list of conditions, including Tourettes).
Ah I understand now... I was
Ah I understand now... I was thinking how awful it must be when the kid is not urs and ur doing ur best only to get that in ur face
Okay stay disengaged. For sure. Ignore her even if you get I am hungry I am thirsty etc that's not for you to deal with
Is she with you EVERY weekend ? If so my condolences. So what I suggest is split the days for your kids- mommy day and daddy day. Have a day where you take your kids to park/cinema/ do crafts at home. Then make sure the other day you are around the house so husband has time with shared kids too. Try to give her at least 2-3 hours of pure one in one time with dad at weekend
That way if anyone says anything you say hey she gets all Saturday or whatever day to herself with him while we go out then on Sunday we all share the space so she can spend time with dad and siblings .
thank you AMcc13 again, Yes,
thank you AMcc13 again,
Yes, she is with us every weekend! I try to have a busy schedule: gym, shopping, cook, etc. So I am very busy and forget about all the situation.
I will put into practise your strategy "mommy day- daddy day" and let you know!!
How exactly does she look
How exactly does she look autistic?
My daughter is autistic and you certainly cam NOT tell from looking at her.
smh
Anyways-I do agree with Amcc-she DOES NEED THERAPY.
Isn't mutism where they can't talk?
You said she has selectively spoken to you-so she's not mute.
She's trying to play a game.
DH and BM need to be the ones involved with the therapy...not sure why BM is involving you.
well, in my perspective, she
well, in my perspective, she has certain autistic characteristics: no eye contact, lack of social skills, plays repetitive games with the same toy. But the first diagnose was selective mutism and childhood trauma.
She only talks to me if she needs anything, water, food, clothes.
I do think she plays a game, but it´s been 6 years of this crazzy situation
BM blames DH for her attitude, but SD behaves likes this everywhere, except school.
BM & DH agreed to begin therapy on March.
Thank u for your answer!!
she could have sensory
she could have sensory issues...like my dd's official diagnosis is "Developmentally delayed on the spectrum"
She's not...fully "autistic" but has "autistic like tendencies" if that makes sense.
Is she in therapy"? like OT PT/Speech?
And by therapy I mean through the home.
I've observed my daughter in school-she is a completely different person then what she is at home.
Like sometimes I wanna smack her when she does wrong at home and say "you dont do that crap at school but you can do it here why?!"
(no I do not physically harm my child)
Could be the structure at school vs the structure of home.
I suggest getting her evaluated through the school's child study team and see what they suggest.
Perhaps there is something going on up in that head of hers....or perhaps its just a game.
Either way I hope you get to the bottom of it.
I don't have to imagine it.
I don't have to imagine it. My OSD was just like this. I would have left if we had primary custody.
Staring down at her dinner plate, crumbling food to pieces, not saying a word. Monosyllabic responses to everything.
She didn't even use complete sentences like I am hungry. She would just come into the room, staring at the floor, and say: "Food!" What a B****!
In fact, the only time I ever lost my temper and was short with her was after a vacation to Hawaii that she ruined with her behavior. We were in Target getting a few snacks for the long return flight. She was standing right next to me, staring at the floor...and she kept saying "Gummies." "Gummies." "Gummies." "Gummies." Gummies." Keep in mind...she's almost 15 at this point...not 5.
oh, dear, same story. I tried
oh, dear, same story. I tried several times to run away.
Same situation with the plate at meals, or lying on the coach staring at the ceiling for hours, looking depressed. Come on you are 10yo! I tell her: Have fun, run, play... It´s really annoying and frustrating.
Well, she began to use sentences a few months ago, but yes, before she said Water, Food, monosyllabic.
She ruined several vacations and in 6 years I lost my temper once, but I do regret it.
Hope your situation gets better, and please do not hesitate to share your experience with me. I do know what you are going through.
Selective autism is real and
Selective autism is real and it can be severe. If it really is selective autism, it's not a bratty manipulative kid. You will make your life a whole lot easier if you do not expect her to speak to you. Use statements not questions when speaking to her. If you need her to make a choice try to find a way she can answer without speaking.
If she actually, occasionally speaks to you, don't make a big deal of it, just pretend it's normal.
Treatment / therapy can work, but you actually have to do the therapy for it to work. BM was wrong for stopping it, and DH was wrong for not insisting it continue.
I wouldn't take BM's diagnosis of the problem as correct. But, if outwardly accepting it will get SD into therapy I'd pretend to go along.
Therapy will help, but realise that this is not an easy or quick fix. It may take a while for SD to even talk to the therapist. But therapists have lots of tools in their box and can help SD to progress.
thank you Sally! you are so
thank you Sally!
you are so right!! SD with her attitude is manipulative and BM is behind the scenes, like a director.
DH will take her to therapy, that will be their time together :O
your words: 100%
your words: 100% accurate!thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. It´s been a nightmare, and I know it will continue... but certainly all your comments made me stronger
