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Non custodial dad missing his kids he can never truly have a relationship with

Layla5555's picture

Hi my name is Layla and I am 26 engaged to a man I've been with for almost 6 years. He had two kids very young with a woman 10 years older than him. He described his relationship as a drunken good time. They were pregnant within a month of dating then did it again a year later. So they pretty much can't stand each other and I've tried hard to be that middle nice one to make things civil and calm. For the most part it's worked but being in the middle can be stressful. His young girls are 8&10. They come over one day a week. The reason is because we are both in school and can barely afford to pay bills and have literally one day off.We both have goals and in a year we will both graduate. Before the one day a week it was every other weekend. I'm sure no one wants to hear me say this but child support was based on his old job so coming up with money seperate from that to pay bills has been hard and no there's no lowering it. They go based on your potential earnings no one cares that he's in school. I feel so sad thinking about he's missing all this time and years with his kids because he just can't possibly do it all. Their mom can be so ruthless too knowing he's trying she doesn't care, it's like she's stuck being angry at him forever. They now have recently blocked each other. I'm sure many of you have felt like your missing out on your child's life. Yes he calls them but it's not the same.He wants them and literally cries about it. Kids say all the time how they want it too
Ex will not budge or work with him in any way. I know even when he graduates and gets a better job I know she will just want more money and Maybe go back to every other weekend(court order states every other weekend) but I still feel for him missing his babies. Apart of me makes me want to create a new family but I know that won't take away the hurt, or will it? I guess I'm just wondering if any non custodial parents trying to do better but will always be the pushed away "deadbeat parent" can give any words of comfort or advice. It's hard just to deal with. His lawyer says he could ask for more time but unless she agrees split time and no support will never happen unless she's proven unfit since they have had this routine and lifestyle for years.

Layla5555's picture

I forgot to add that his ex had a new man whom now she married move in two months after kicking him out. Now he plays dad. He can't work and takes care of them daily. Also they are all on medicaid.

Raggles's picture

Do what the court order states. End of.

when he has finished college, got a job, go for more access time.

LikeMinded's picture

An important life skill is to know what is your business and what is not. What's sadder than this man wasting years not seeing his kids is YOU wasting years of your life worrying about it. I'm not judging, I did it too. What a collossal waste of my life.

Now that the SKIDS are older, less cute and more of a pain in the butt, I see their time with their mom as "free babbysitting" and I thank the universe for my good fortune. Remember, these girls will be teenage nightmares some day (there's no avoiding it). Be careful what you wish for!

Focus on yourself and what you want for your life. This is not your issue.

No, having a baby with him will not help. It will just make you feel like your baby is less important than these girls, because your man will be stuck upset about this no matter what good things life brings his way.

Layla5555's picture

Lately I've tried very hard to step back not talk to kids mom unless it's a pressing issue or they use my phone. Things have changed so much they did use to be so cute lol. I do care about them and i wish it didn't bother me. How can i get it off my mind??

whoistojudge's picture

One thing I have read parents are doing is setting up Skype accounts for their children. I know it isn't the same as having them there but he could see them everyday that way. Maybe before their bedtime?

I also agree, and certainly not in a judgemental way that you need to allow your husband to deal with the ex or even some other family member. Maybe the grandparents? You are putting your self in a very difficult position and unfortunately as they get older they may put the blame on you since you are doing all the interaction.

Wishing you the best.

Layla5555's picture

They use to Skype him until a year ago they went on some bad websites and are permanently banned from tablets and the internet.

I wish I could not worry and leave it alone. I really love my fiance he's my world , and knowing someone intentionally hurts him is what bothers me.

SecondGeneration's picture

Your husband had to have a motivation in continuing studies rather than going into (or remaining in) full time employment. I imagine the reason for that was money, to enable him to reach a higher earning potential. This is one of those really delicate balancing acts, yes when you are younger it is easier to chase your dreams with education, BUT thats generally because you havent got children to support yet. If you have started having children to support then you have to make the decision as what is more important to you; spending more TIME with the children and having less finances to provide the lifestyle you wish or sacrificing the time with the children in order to gain education for higher earnings to be able to provide better for them later.

It is a personal decision and there are many arguments for and against it, ultimately the only person that can make that decision is the parent themselves.

Your husband now needs to look at his situation. What would he rather? Seeing his kids one day a week for the time being and pushing forward with his studies? To enable him a better job at the end and then being able to provide for his kids in the way he wants to in the future.
Or does he feel so disheartened by the situation that he is willing to sacrifice the time he has already lost in the pursuit of his education and give up before hes achieved his goals? But doing so he has to accept that he may always remain in a lower paid employment.

Dont forget, whilst education increases your likelihood of better employment it is no guarantee.

All YOU can do is be there, be an emotional support to him, remind him WHY he is doing what he is doing and keeping your eyes on the future.
But the decision on what to do lies with him, because he needs to not regret it later. But the CS needs to be paid, else you will rack up massive debts whilst he is studying that will haunt you for years to come.

Layla5555's picture

We both work full time and go to school full time. It's very hard but with what we at going to school for, there's tons of need. I know we will both get better jobs and want to be married soon. Strangely, all of my family, my fiances family and kids mom family all live out of state.
He has no arrears, I was just stating that it's alot of money to pay.

Kids mom also tells them that he chooses not to see them when he could, which isn't true. He literally crashes and can barely stay awake from work and school. I guess it bothers me how ruthless she can be to brainwash them that he doesn't want them.

SecondGeneration's picture

Ah ok Im with you, I thought he had dropped to part time work to be able to go to school.

Then yeah, hes between a rock and a hard place, the logical thing to do is to grit your teeth and keep pushing forward because if he gives up now then all the time spent so far is wasted. But it still needs to be him thats ok with that.

Glad to hear there are no arrears.

Now in terms of how to battling the BMs negatively, I know you dont want to hear it but in a way BM is right. He has CHOSEN to go back to school, the consequence of that is he has CHOSEN to see his kids less (because hes too tired from work and school) Now BM should not be saying this to the kids, but we cannot control what other people do.

Normally I wouldnt recommend telling kids about adult matters, but if your partner is feeling like his relationship with his kids is getting damaged then he needs to combat this with the only thing he can; the truth. He needs to sit down with them and explain to them why, why he is going to school, how much longer is left and that ofcourse he wants to see them more.

Disneyfan's picture

There are plenty of single parents who managed to work full-time, go to school full-time and spend time with their kids. He could have figured out a way to schedule his classes around both his work schedule and custody schedule.

Mom is wrong for telling the kids that, but she isn't telling a lie. He is making a choice. There's no way he can't clear 4 days a month to have his kids over.

Layla5555's picture

Mine and his days are literally 12 hour days 5-6 days a week. We get up go to class then work eat then bed
Literally our lives. I know a lot of people and i have never met one parent who can fully take care of their kids alone, work full time and go to school full time unless they have help meaning family or a good amount of money for daycare. We don't live near family and like i said paying child support alone is hard for us. I don't like it that u make it seem like it's a piece of cake and I'm complaining and we just live a lavish lifestyle. Kids mom's husband doesn't work and stays home full time doing nothing. If one of us did that sure no problem it would be very easy to see them.

Yes it's a choice to go back to school and better yourself but would u rather his kids come to a shack or inner city apartment where he can't provide them a Damn th ing on minimum wage? What we are doing is improving not only their lives but our lives. I made this post because I'm feeling down that he will never, even with a great job, be able to have that close with relationship with his kids and their mom has chosen their new daddy. I get it, Its not my problem but to watch the man I love hurt, is. Theres probably no real solution, I grew up in a warzone with my parents too, guess it just sucks to watch it all over again.

Disneyfan's picture

I grew up and still live in an inner city section of Brooklyn,NY. I also teach in an inner city section of the city. There are million dollar brownstones within blocks of housing projects.

Several of my colleagues are single parents who are attending grad school. I had a friend in NC(allmof her family was in SC)who completed law school whikenshe was a single parent.

No it isn't a piece of cake, but it isn't impossible. If single parents with full custody mange to make it work, a NCP with an EOWE schedule can make it work 4 days a month. How hard is it to pick tbe kids up Friday night and take them home Sunday afternoon twice a month?

Layla5555's picture

Well where I live if you live in the inner city, you better never go outside. Luckily we live in the suburbs but there's a very high crime rate in our city.
So I think your just trying to belittle my post, no one who works and goes to school 12 hour days 5-6 days a week can possibly have time to feed, cloth, wake up with their kid, do homework, go to appointments stay home when they are ill, drive them to any activity or do anything without someone helping them. It's not physically possible. He literally gets to work at 6am and comes home around 8pm almost every day and some days it changes due to class schedule. He works 16 hours every Sunday to make up for child support payments he needs to pay to support his kids. The only real time he has is Friday's around 5p to sat at 7pm and that's when they come over. So tell me how is it possible? It's not , not for him not for us. I work close to 50 hours a week and somehow still doing decent in school. Good for your friend, but for us not possible. Your not actually getting to the point of this post, if I wanted to debate on how it could be possible I'd go there but this post is about mothers of kids who intentionally just try to make things difficult because she hates him and wants to make him pay. Not finincially but in any way possible. And it's upsetting and sad for the kids.

Disneyfan's picture

I see you're in NY. He can go in and have CS lowered. My ex did it several times here in Brooklyn with no problem.

Layla5555's picture

Not for his case won't work. Even when he had a procedure done and couldn't work they still based the cs on "potential earnings". She had the best lawyer money could buy. Funny thing is, she will wait a whole year of child support to actually get back what she paid the lawyer. And yes she told me.

twoviewpoints's picture

If he is given EOWE in the court order (two 48hrs a month) but instead has them one day a week (approximately 4 days a month, I'm not 'getting' how OP pegs BM the bad guy. He's seeing the children the allowed four days a month and he has chosen to see them one day every week instead of two days every other week. Between his fulltime job and his chosen fulltime school, his own doings. His own fault.

What good would it do to have the children more if he's working or at school? Visitation is for the NCP, not a babysitter. And CS is figured by state laws and guidelines.

The idea of you having a baby to 'create a new family'? You could have five new babies and they aren't going to replace the two he already has. That and the fact he'd currently not have any more time or energy for a new baby than he does his already present children. If you want a baby, have a baby , but don't do it with the thought of you being able to replace his current children. Life doesn't work that way and you'll be nothing but butt hurt and full of resentment when that idea fails.

Layla5555's picture

I think you read my post wrong. I never said he was looking for more time, I said he sees them one day a week Fri eve to sat eve because that's his only time he has. Literally. And I never said I want to have a baby now that would be insane. I was talking about when we graduate and have things more settled. I didn't mean to replace his kids, I just meant I would want to give him a family life and fathers rights he deserves. That's all.

Layla5555's picture

I think you read my post wrong. I never said he was looking for more time, I said he sees them one day a week Fri eve to sat eve because that's his only time he has. Literally. And I never said I want to have a baby now that would be insane. I was talking about when we graduate and have things more settled. I didn't mean to replace his kids, I just meant I would want to give him a family life and fathers rights he deserves. That's all.

TwoOfUs's picture

My husband has specifically said that one of the reasons he wants to have more kids / start a family with me is because he'll really get a chance to be a dad.

He's a great dad to his kids now...but, like your fiance, he really misses them and has tried to get more time and have more input but has been blocked by BM. Obviously, having more kids with me won't replace the kids he already has and loves...but he will get to have a full-time father role.

Layla5555's picture

I think you read the post wrong. We both are currently in school and work full time. Idk how you could have possibly taken your kid to school or work with you but that's not how it works here. Anyway, he doesn't have full custody anyway so none of that errdven applies to this. I said we have goals and after our goals of graduating, settling in being financially secure we have talked about children. But no it would not work now.

Disneyfan's picture

It's not uncommon for nontraditional college students to take their kids to class with them. As long as it doesn't happen each class and the kid isn't disruptive, the professors are pretty understanding.

Layla5555's picture

I've never heard or seen kids in any of my college courses but that's pretty cool that they allow that. Good for you I'm sure it was all worth it:)
I think this post is getting off topic so I think I'm done with it but appreciate all the feedback

And bm doesn't care nor want him to take them more. I think she likes that he sees them less. It is what it is and i am going to try to not focus on it so much.

ldvilen's picture

. . . if any non custodial parents trying to do better but will always be the pushed away "deadbeat parent." Unfortunately, I don't have any words of wisdom. Pretty much any non custodial or less custodial parent winds up being pushed away as the "deadbeat parent," and the non custodial parent usually is dad. That's how it is. It is all about the main or custodial parent getting her/his way. Custodial parent = owner of the kids, practically by law, and they are in a position to do whatever they want. Controlling, manipulative BM and weak, enabling DH = step-parent hell. Best thing to do is step back and let the bios run the show, AND, most importantly remember that what scraps of any kind of relationship are left at the end of the day, whether that be 2, 10, 20+ years from now are due to the bios and all of the angst and guilt resides with them. They are the ones who created the mess to begin with. You've done nothing wrong, other than tried to be a supportive wife or SO to your DH.

Layla5555's picture

I understand there's not much that can be done and this is their problem. I guess there's just something in me th at wonders if this can make it a little better. When I first met him there was no court orders and she would "let him know" when he could see them and i pushed him to get in writing visitation and it really worked to his benefit. I don't think he's dumb, but he was very controlled by her before I came. Now a days, I try to be nice so there isn't tension, which has made it so much better. I know you all are thinking why are you doing this, but it's to benefit the man and kids I loves lives. Even their mom has thanked me for being kind and making it work between all of us.

momjeans's picture

I'm with LikeMinded.

My advice: Don't involve yourself. Don't bring a child into this and hold off marrying this man.

It's some serious bad juju when a young woman, such as yourself, shows their allegiance to the relationship, in the most unhealthiest and thankless of ways, by making other people's problem(s) their own problems. And then there's the fact that those girls are going to be teenagers one day and their ruthless mother is going to have her hands so far up their behinds puppeting her disdain through them.

Trust me when I say, civility and calmness is not obtainable when dealing with a bitter parent. I know this from experience. Do you honestly want that battle and stress?

Layla5555's picture

I fell in love with him and no its not the ideal relationship but we have been through alot. I know it will get better for us and our future. I am stepping back. The kids are now getting their own phones and i think all will be well. I'm no longer involving myself. I just truly am trying to make things easier for everyone. And I do fear teen years. Alot.