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No biokids and ex husband who won't go away, adivce please

forever2's picture

I know there are a lot of SMs on this site without their own kids. Actually, anyone's advice is appreciated, biokids or not. I have been divorced from my first husband for a decade. Long story short, typical mistake of being young and stupid and marrying the first good guy that came along after dating an Ahole for too long and having an obliterated self esteem. After 4 years of a boring but not awful marriage that was more like being married to a brother or a tolerable roommate, I met my future (now current) husband who ignited my romantic fires (despite his POS ex wife and waste of space kid...story for other forums). My divorce was like my marriage: calm, boring, and no fault. No kids so no complications of shared holidays, shared grandparents etc. The ex moved to a different state but always wanted to keep in touch via email, so once or year or so I returned an email, usually wishing him happy birthday. Odd thing is, while he took no interest in my extended family at all during our marriage, when I told him I wanted a divorce, he started trying to get chummy with my parents, even grandparents. He started calling them out of the blue, sending birthday and xmas cards etc. My family seemed to be flattered by the attention (he was always super nice), so other than telling them I found it weird, I let it go figuring it wasn't my business. Fast forward to now, and a more distant relative is putting together a family reunion, basically sent an invitation to everyone in her address book, and invited my ex. Thru another relative, I found out about this mistake, sent my ex a very kind email, saying that I knew he has been invited, and told him I assumed since since this was a family function and I was attending with my new husband that he would politely decline. He responded that actually he would like to attend and have a chance to chat with me and my parents and my family... :O WHAT? What kind of nut attends a family reunion of his ex wife's family, that he shared no children with, who he was only married to for a few years....over a decade ago? Even my husband's psycho ex whose children are related to his family has never pulled such a stunt. I am starting to feel like this isn't so much innocent friendly contact, but that he is using my family to remind me that he will never go away...that he has a claim to our lives still. Am I overreacting? What should I do? Is this nothing at all to worry about or is this the opening scene of a horror movie in which we all end up bludgeoned in the grass at our family picnic by someone that everyone always said was "such a sweet guy?"

HappilySelfish679's picture

Seems to me you are over reacting . Does it bother you that much him being there ? Where is the harm ?

I have a great relationship with my exDH and me and DH even go on the occasional trip with exDH and his GF . We have a lot of fun . I would say don't sweat it.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

^^^This^^^ Creepy and weird.

I would have a frank conversation with him and then one with the relative who issued the invitation. The relative needs to rescind the invitation.

forever2's picture

Thanks so far folks. Just to clarify tommar24365...I didn't cheat on my first husband. It was over with him before I became romantic with my current husband. I agree if I had cheated that may be a different story and maybe give my ex different motivations. I really appreciate the varied thoughts as I try to decide what to do.

WTF...REALLY's picture

My guess is he is still in love with you. And you emailing him once a year is dangling a carrot in front of him. You need to cut all ties and have the person who invited him needs to uninvite him.

This is truly Steven King creepy.

forever2's picture

Hi again, OP here. I realize as I read the advice that I forgot a very important detail. My ex is remarried, for about 3 years now. I know some women are really laid back, but in my opinion this contact with me, even if she knows about it, is a form of being unfaithful. How could she be okay with him coming to my family reunion? I didn't get the idea that he was planning to bring her, but if so, I can't decide if that would be more or less awkward. I agree that I shouldn't email him anymore, even for birthdays. He is probably taking any contact the wrong way as harmless as it seems. I will also ask the party organizer to explain the situation to him since he didn't take my email suggestion that he not attend. As for other ideas you guys had...he isn't sick I don't think (at least not physically). He has a much larger family than mine and has more than plenty of his own family to talk to and get together with. He has a good relationship with his family, so he isn't seeking that from my family as a result of missing his own. He probably does still has an interest in me, despite his marriage and that's just really sad. Or maybe he cannot deal with loss, so he refuses to let go of anyone. Bottom line is the majority agree that this is creepy and that I should end any contact.