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To and fro but no way am I moving in! LOL

Amcc13's picture

Partner lives 40 mins in car from me. It's annoying when I want to see him but it is what it is. He has been suggesting move in together but I keep avoid topic cause sd is already able to cause enough misery and I enjoy my own space which is kid free.

This weekend I am going up to dinner with him Friday and will stay overnight. We are going for meal just two of us. His weekend with kids; he tried whining but I said I am not doing our special v-day dinner with kids. Find sitter or not coming up. I planned to stay the next day until 4pm and then head home as one of my oldest friends has her bday the 13th and we go out for meal and drinks then. He knew this in advance

Then last night he says oh are you coming back up Sunday? I was like I hadn't planned to. And he was like oh I thought you would for v-day. And I was like well that's what Friday is remember ????
To cut a long story short he wants me to come back up stay over and go straight to work on Monday from his. When I dithered over this he brought up moving in again and how easy it would be if I was here.

I once again avoided the moving in part and said I would think about Sunday.

The thing is this
As long as he and ex parent sd the way they do and sd is the way she is we will never ever live together. I am trying to think of a way to convey this without causing a fight cause I don't need that shite. Any ideas on how I can say no thanks I hate your daughter and won't live with her without actually using those words??

SecondGeneration's picture

Honesty is the best bet. Spend the time with them over the weekend then when you and partner are alone talk to him about it. Explain that whilst you accept that he has a child and you are enjoying and committed to the relationship you are in, that for you, that doesnt mean you have to rush to move in together and get married and become an "instant family".
Explain that yes, you are not used to being around kids that much and given the very nature of children, you can find their exuberance a little over bearing and feel that this way you both get the best of both worlds. He gets to enjoy time one to one with his daughter (which is ultimately the point of the visitation) and also quality adult time with you. Likewise you get to be around for the "fun" stuff as and when you wish to be, thus helping your relationship with SD to be built as a positive one. Whereas if you were to suddenly move in together, the stresses that come from that, along with the household rules that YOU would expect (if they are not in place) would cause tension and argument and you dont want that.

But also, its important for you to find out NOW what you both want from this relationship long term. If you are totally ok with basically living apart but being in a committed relationship then thats fine, but its not fair on him if hes got the stereotype of moving in, getting married and having the "normal" type relationship goals. You are both entitled to the types of relationships you want to have, but in doing so you have to accept the fact that your partner may turn out not to be suitable for you (or you for him) just the same as conversations about kids. If one wants a large family but the other wants to be child free, you cannot be surprised if eventually that becomes a break up issue.

Most importantly, listen to yourself. If you, even whilst in a positive place enjoying your relationship, can identify that moving in would be a bad move. Then dont do it. But make it clear to him where you stand and you have to be aware that it might not be ok for him.

HappilySelfish679's picture

Tell him you move in as soon as he buys a large duplex or a multyfamily house that has a big , fully self contained in law suite with a very sturdy DOOR that completely separates the living quarters .

That's how I live and it has saved my sanity and marriage !

SM12's picture

Nope...Don't say a word to SO about SD. It will not go well. They don't want to hear about their crappy parenting or that the child they raised is horrible.
Just keep avoiding the topic of moving in together like you have been. Keep doing your own thing and do not cave.
There will be nothing but misery for you if you move in.
You need your kid-free space and hinestly I am a bt jealous. I wish I had my kidfree space when it was a kid weekend.
If you see the signs now that the SD is difficult, it will only get worse if you move in. NEVER better.

Willow2010's picture

As long as he and ex parent sd the way they do and sd is the way she is we will never ever live together.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Smart woman!!!

Cocoa's picture

you're going to run out of excuses sooner or later. this man needs to know the truth. it could be a very badly needed wake up call for him, but if not NEXT. and then congratulate yourself for dodging a bullet.

LikeMinded's picture

Oh how I envy you--you are so smart. Btw, your bf wants you to move in because it would be "easier", that's a big red flag to me. Yep, easier for him... not for you, don't do it!

I think you could say you don't want to move in because of your reasons (a, b & c), and also because it wouldn't be in the best interest of his child. That if things don't work out, the child will not just endure one divorce but will be hurt when you two split. Tell him that getting a stepmother is most difficult for girls because they feel like they are betraying their own mother. Tell him you don't want to put his precious snowflake through this.

My hairdresser and her boyfriend live hours apart. They decided they would not move in together until both sets of kids are grown. The youngest was 9 when they started. BEST DECISION EVER, AND I'M SO JEALOUS.

They meetup together for romantic times. Sometimes they meet up with the kids. No drama, no power struggles.

What's interesting is that she knows that she dodged a bullet. Now that her BF's daughters are teenagers, they are SUPER possessive of her BF. They sometimes force him to get off the phone when he's chatting with her--even though they've had a great relationship with her. She's SOOO happy she doesn't have to live with this.

Amcc13's picture

Yeh I saw the writing on the wall before I knew what a mini wife even was and even tho I have disengage from sd she is the most pathetic case of learned helplessness and self centred vanity I have ever seen
Pity cause she is actually quite bright and athletic and I reckon if she was anyone else's child we would be besties!
But life is not so and thus I disengage and try not to rise to bait- failed about week ago but back on wagon now

I maintain my stance - if she is as she is and parented as she is no way in hell!