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BM trying to get close to my spouse after so long

Shake.it.off.'s picture

My spouse and I were recently cleaning out his closet, and came across a card directed to him from his son who is 13 and it was a nice card addressed to him and basically said " i love you dad love your son__" it was not a birthday card of fathers day card but just a random card he gave my spouse one day and enclosed was a picture of my spouse and his son at the beach in July 2015. This was recently after they met. I asked my spouse who took the picture and BM did.However that same beach day my spouse explained to me BM was trying to hangout with my spouse and son at the beach when she dropped son off with my spouse, my spouse felt awkward and didnt know how to tell her to leave, since he was trying to be civil and polite for their sons sake and he was trying to hint to her to leave. This is not the only time she has done this where she is taking random pictures. The history is- the first time My spouse met his son who is 13, was ten months ago and the BM randomly contacted him by finding him on face book (yay) and my spouse went and picked him up the next day and the BM had taken pictures of my spouse and the son (standing outside of my spouses truck) and then posted it on her Facebook? All I know is my spouse told me she had done this, and he was a little ticked off about it. BM and her husband at that time were separated and BM husband seen the photo and thought my spouse and BM were back together, BM proceeded to tell my spouse this that her husband was stalking her on face book long with sobs story of how her husband treated her. My spouse then told me as he was annoyed wondering why she would be putting a picture of him and their son on her facebook anyway. I was really upset. However BM kept their son from my spouse for several years, she got married and her and her husband felt my spouse was not a good enough father and just a "sperm doner" for the first 6 years of SON13 life, as BM and my DH were never dating but had a fling when they were young resulting in pregnancy and she didn't tell him about their son for over 2 years as she left town.BM and husband moved across the country never even saying a word. LONG story. Now BM wants my spouse involved with every single thing, and needs his support physically and financially after 12 years. I am just wondering how I can explain to my Spouse that BM is really pushing a relationship with the son and how I can explain this without hurting him as he is excited to see his son, at the same time, SON and BM do not want me around, or my kids, but wants dad all to himself now, and BM is upset when dad doesn't call to talk to SON13 each night, or every second night, Spouse used to call each night for a few months then life just started happening and it would be every other night or twice a week then see him on the weekend, my spouse has never gone more than 4 days without talking to his son, but BM s texting my spouse right away " hey why haven't you talked to your son today, why havent you called?"

ldvilen's picture

Wow! You have your work cut out for you. All I can suggest is get everything in writing, visitations with son, etc., once you are sure he is really DH's, and then leave BM out of the picture. I can tell she is a manipulative SOB. A manipulative, controlling BM and a weak, enabling DH = SM hell. It doesn't matter how nice of a person you are, and both you and especially your husband sound naive about this. Sounds like BM already has the kid going after DH to think of him as his one and only, and DH is actually going along with or feeling quilty over this?!

And, I may catch heck for saying this, but at some point DH may have decide how much of a relationship he really wants with his "new" son? Is it worth DH losing his wife and other children over? Is it worth having a manipulative, controlling BM yanking his chain for life? Sounds like she already has him on the run.

It should never be the case where BM or ex- gets support physically and financially from dad or spouse. Once they are divorced or out of the picture, that right goes away. BM was out of the picture eons ago. Support goes to the children and not to BM or ex-, other than any funds the state may mandate, which are to be for the care of the child.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

If you also read my response in that same post I wrote before, I said we took a short break to think things through referring to me not ready to have his son move in with us just yet, and my spouse came to me in response that he did not want to lose our relationship, or the home we built, and we sat down to compromise regarding his son and BM. My spouse's son would spend one week with us, then two weeks, then one month and see how he responds and how my spouse responds, ias of right now because spouse and I are not broken up, DH son is not wanting to come visit on the weekend and has now missed two weekends as Step son wants dad to himself, and my spouse explained to the BM and step son that he needs to get used to being at our house and as a family, because he cannot have dad to himself each weekend he is here.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

Yes you are correct. I am not naive as I am sure I know exactly what is going on but last I checked this is the place to "vent" about these exact issues and have feedback or reassurance. I know my spouse is "weak" maybe not enabling but possibly feeling a lot of guilt of not being in his bio sons life for certain amount of years. At the same time BM is using any advantage or leverage to get what she wants, plus involving her son to feel a certain way, and he probably feels a lot of things without BM making it worse. My spouse is starting to see it all, finally at this point DH is sick of BM and starting to get frustrated with Bio son because of his responses with high expectations too. Tonight DH son said he did not want to come this weekend to visit (last minute) actually my spouse was on his way driving to pick the son up, as was planned yesterday and this is THE SECOND weekend in a row he has not come over because "he didn't feel like it" right after BM told my spouse his son only wants him to himself and my spouses response was kind but " that is not how it is going to work" The other weekend BM said" your son misses you so much you know" and My spouse went to pick him up Friday until Sunday after dinner, his son said he did not want to stay all weekend but to stay one night as he wanted to go home early Sunday. So much for his son "missing" him. In my opinion it is all smoke being blown up DH ass. As far as the pictures go, I wanted reassurance that I was not crazy, thinking something is really weird with BM posting pictures of my spouse and their son randomly on her FB, when they had no contact for so many years and not connection.

ldvilen's picture

Sorry, Shake.it.off. I didn't mean to come across as harsh as I did. Most of the things I stated were over-generalization and not meant so specifically for your situation. More of a what could happen if BM wasn't reined in.

With your comment, "it is all smoke being blown up DH ass," I can tell you are not as naive as I may have thought. SM or not, women do usually pick up on other women's manipulations way more quickly than their male counterparts, and it can be challenging to get them to see what is so obvious to us sometimes. Kudos to your DH for setting the line and insisting that relationship with son was fine, but that you are part of the package deal.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

Thank you, I just needed to reassurance that I had a valid reason to be "upset" as I don't usually talk to explain my feelings and pretend everything is ok, except this site as it is a venting site :). yay. I just needed to know if others thought it was weird about the pictures.

Glassslipper's picture

Your Bm is going through a divorce or seperation from her husband and now is spending more time hanging on and requesting support from your DH?

Sounds like BM is looking for emotional support and your DH is the spot she wants it from.