Resentment?
I have been with my bf for 2 years now, he has two daughters. One is 6 and one is 4. The oldest was from a previous relationship, SD4 is from a one night stand and he didn't even know about her until she was 2. We have just had a daughter of our own she is 2 months. We don't see the younger one very often but we do get the older one quite often. She is a sweet well behaved girl, granted there are some personality traits that drive me crazy and she is very spoiled. However I find myself extremely resentful. I hate that he has these other kids. I try so hard not to feel this way, but I can't help it. Their very existence makes me angry with him. I can't stand that while I was pregnant he took away so many precious moments and experiences by already having gone though it with his first. I can't stand that we are struggling financially and 1500 a month goes to these two other women. And then to top it off his tax refund goes to them too. I get so angry thinking about all the things I have given up and have been made to endure because of his other kids. I can't stop thinking that inevitably my daughter will have to go without or be in some way negatively impacted by them. He is a good man, a great father, and I do love him; but I find myself thinking about how much easier things would be if I left him. I don't want to deny our daughter of having both parents, but selfishly I want her to be the most important. I find myself dreading the visits and I end up being made to feel like a stranger in my own home. He always says we are a family, but I do not feel that way. I know these feelings are awful and I feel like a horrible person because of them. I try so hard to lock them away, but lately it's become harder and harder to do. Does anyone else Oliver feel this type of resentment? Does anyone have any advice? Please help.
I know exactly how you feel.
I know exactly how you feel. I am pretty new to the whole blended family thing, and I too feel some resentment sometimes. I'm in a very similar situation to yours where all this money goes to child support, and my kids have had to wait to get things that they needed. I have been so angry about it in the past that it brought me to tears. I have never thought about leaving my husband, but I just can't wait until his daughter turns 18 and we don't have this financial burden every month. I think that your feelings are normal and that there are a lot of people, including me, that have the same feelings. Naturally you are going to think of your bio child first, and their needs.
How do you handle these
How do you handle these feelings? I can't talk to him about it, he just gets defensive and angry with me.
Well he knows how upset I was
Well he knows how upset I was / am about how the kids have to wait for things while all of this money goes to child support every month. It is something that upsets him too, so that aspect of it I am able to talk to him about. If I have another issue that's bothering me, I come to this site to vent. I have not been on here very long, but I am starting to feel a lot better now that I have people to talk to about my feelings. It feels like the majority of the world thinks that you should love your step kid like you would your own bio kid. That is just not going to happen for me. Luckily I also have my Mom, who has a nightmare of an adult step daughter, to also talk to.
Is he behind on child
Is he behind on child support? That's the only reason his tax returns would go to the BMs.
Although we may not know ALL of what we are getting into when we get into a serious relationship with men with children, we know a lot. We know that they already have kids and have been there, done that. We know that they have an ex or two that we will have to deal with for awhile, even if not personally. We know that they will be paying child support.
We should know what their financial situation is before we marry them, not only what the child support is, but if they have back child support owed and any other debts.
We DON'T always know how much the resentment can and will grow, which is why I believe these relationships can take longer to navigate than others but you've already had a child with him so you have to decide if it's worth navigating now. Can you work through the resentment and accept what is?
You are not a horrible person for feeling this way, we all have (or most of us). I have felt that way in the past, but it came and went in spurts (usually when having problems with the BMs) and I knew that I loved my DH and wanted to be with him more than not. I just couldn't keep the resentment going, it was not helping (although, drinking did!).
And, I did know what I was getting into. I admit, I don't have kids with my DH and I'm sure that would be a whole different perspective but in the long run, you have to choose to look at things differently and to accept them. Or not.
Perfectly stated.
Perfectly stated.
Yes, he was layed off for for
Yes, he was layed off for for a few months and got behind. He is back working now, but his hours have been cut. We live in a oil country and the decline has hit us hard. But regardless of how little he's bringing home the BM's get paid. And it makes me so angry, one of them doesn't even work. She lives off the CP and wealfare. I can't stand it. And to add to my frustration we now have to spent $400 we don't have on a plane ticket for the eldest to come visit for a week....
I feel so conflicted because on the one hand I knew about his kids and honestly was excited about being a SM. I went into this relationship knowingly, but on the other hand... honestly if I knew then what I know now I'm not sure I would have gotten involved with him. I feel trapped now that we have a child together. Like I said I do love him, but I had no idea how hard it was going to be. I want to make things work, I want to let my resentment go. I just don't know how to do so
Has he tried to get child
Has he tried to get child support modified, since he is making less?
I tied talking to him about
I tied talking to him about doing that but he thinks it is a waste of time because he still makes the same it's just less hours. My thoughts are what'd the worst than can happen they don't lower it?
I tied talking to him about
I tied talking to him about doing that but he thinks it is a waste of time because he still makes the same it's just less hours. My thoughts are what'd the worst than can happen they don't lower it?
You better figure out how to
You better figure out how to accept reality and live in it. You are spinning your wheels wishing and pretending and it'll wear you down and wear you out.
Sure, if you had perfect information at all times, you might have made different choices. But maybe not. And you're still dealing with new-baby hormones to boot.
I think financial resentment
I think financial resentment has been one of my toughest struggles in this whole ordeal. I was young and in love and it didn't really phase me or worry me that I was marrying a man who was, essentially, over 60K "in debt" to his ex wife. Stupidly...I didn't think about how that would affect me or my marriage. Love conquers all! The first five years of our marriage, we paid over 12K a year in CS...meanwhile BM, who is terrible with money, gets that amount tax free, makes plenty to live on, gets credit for all three kids every year on taxes, gets kid phones from us on top of CS and two kid clothes trips a year from DH's patents (who spoil the grandkids, frankly), and is STILL always running out of money at the end of the month...no savings...asking us for CS early or if we can pitch in to this extra thing or that extra thing.
At first, DH almost always pitched in...until I put a stop to it. While I don't have a kid if my own, I would like to, and we had started a business together and there was simply no money to start a family. You better believe that it KILLED me to work so hard on our business to see 1200+ go to BM every month...while being unable to afford a child of my own and watching DHs kids always get the nicest of everything from his parents. New designer jeans all the time, vintage Ts...I think they each have about 10 pairs of sneakers...
The resentment really ate me up at first. But now, mainly through my money management and frugality, the business we started is paying off, we're down to two kids on CS and will be down to one kid in June...I'm starting to see a light...
Also. Don't let your DH add money to CS ever. Not ever! Take these requests in a case by case basis and pay the bill or need directly if you think you should pitch in.
Although I'm not in your
Although I'm not in your financial situation, I can relate to your post. I resent my DW at times for her poor choices in men (bio-dad) and even though he is completely out of the picture for next 8-10 years, I am the one helping her clean up the mess he made. His choices effed up his daughter, not mine but somehow I'm the one who's the jerk? So yes, I get where you're coming from with resentment issues.