Don't Drink the Skid Koolaid
After 47 days of peace, quiet, and healing from all the SD drama at Christmas the seal was broken last night by none other that DH.
Apparently, unbeknownst to me because I don't give a shit, it was SD2's 23rd birthday. Late last night DH sent her an email wishing her a happy birthday. Email because she has a new phone every few weeks. She responded right away to his "happy birthday" and said thank you and asked how we were doing, how's (me) and spelled my name correctly for the first time ever. DH responded back that we were doing great but that he missed them. SD responded back that "it was all a big misunderstanding and I'm sorry and I now have a permanent phone." DH then says we will all have to get together after things warm up. (we just had a big snow storm and it's freezing outside) SD agreed and that was that. Then DH comes and tells me about this conversation cause he was in the garage smoking and I was in the house trying to stay warm.
My initial response was shock and then I was pissed off, of course DH is smiling because they communicated. He just had his 50th birthday and neither of the bitches called and he said he would not be calling them because of how he was treated. I pretty much went off on him from the get go and let him know that I will not be forgiving them anytime soon and if he decided to forgive them and he sees them, he needs to let them know that they would have to earn my forgiveness, earn the right to even be in my presence and that it would not be easy for them and that it would take a very long time.
Everything I brought up his response was I know, I know, I know. He said he did not want to wish her a happy birthday but that he thought he needed to be the bigger adult, the parent, and do it. I said don't forget that our Christmas was ruined, don't forget how much money we wasted on gifts that are still sitting here (the few left now, that have not been returned) don't forget they called me all sorts of horrible names and accused me of all kinds of things, don't forget they tried to get you to leave me, don't forget how many nights I cried myself to sleep over all this bullshit, and don't forget were a team and they don't get to have you if they don't acknowledge me and I'm not going to be nice to them.
Then he said some bullshit about missing the grandkids...I laughed in his face and said no you don't! You've only met the one twice and we've barely gotten to know the three year old so don't be all sappy with the grandkids, we don't know them enough to miss or love them.
DH briefly tried to defend her and said SD1 lured her into her hateful drama towards us at Christmas. I did agree that SD2 had incorrect information that was conveyed to her from SD1, but then quickly pointed out that we don't have relationships with our grandkids solely because of SD2's behavior and attitude, which has nothing to do with SD1. He agreed. I then reminded him SD2 is a manipulative liar and that we can not trust her. He wants to see where this goes but I refuse to dink the koolaid.
Wow, so let's see, my SD is 9
Wow, so let's see, my SD is 9 and yours is 23 and after reading all the stories on here, it's only going to get worse. Thanks everyone, I might just drink myself to death tonight lmao. JK.
Sorry you're having a bad day. Have a drink or three
I have a Sd23 and SSalmost 18
I have a Sd23 and SSalmost 18 Been with DH since SD was 16 and DS was 10, my personal evaluation is that it's easier when there younger to accept you than a teenager especially a girl teen so it really depends on when you get involved in there lives and also the bio parent it they are bitter or not.
He wants to see where this
He wants to see where this goes but I refuse to dink the koolaid.
He can see where it goes all by himself.
If he wants to have a relationship with his daughters, that is on him and only him, it doesn't have to have anything to do with you. They need to leave you out of it completely.
Apologizing to her dad is NOT the same thing as apologizing to you.
I've never discouraged my DH
I've never discouraged my DH with the grandkids, I simply reminded him of the truth. We have never baby sat them, we have never spent time alone with them, we have seen the newborn twice and the last time was October 1st. So no, we can't honestly say we love our grandchildren anymore than we could say we love a strangers grandchildren. There's no bond, there's no facetime, there's no anything, and this has all been dictated by SD2 and her BM. The 3 year old has no idea who we are and won't even speak in front of us because she is so shy and views us as strangers.
If your DH doesn't have a
If your DH doesn't have a strong, HEALTHY relationship with his daughters, then he likely won't be allowed to have a healthy relationship with their offspring, either.
Toxic skids see nothing wrong with using their own flesh and blood to manipulate and extort $$ from grandparents, so good for you for reminding your DH of the truth. I don't think it's a card you can play frequently without becoming the baddie/persecutor, but a dose of unvarnished reality now and then can be helpful and grounding.
Exactly! They're
Exactly! They're relationship is distant because of the BM. She has also ruined our relationships with the grandskids. She lived with them in a one bed hotel room after the first baby was born and they did not have a vehicle. So they were essentially homeless and riding the bus. We were asked by the BM to leave the hospital when SD2 was in labor and ever since then we have been kept at arms length from the skids and grandskids. Once in a while we would get the call, during winter of course, that they needed money or would have to leave the hotel. We always would drive money over to her but even when that happened we still never saw the grandskid.
You can listen and validate
You can listen and validate DH's feelings without drinking the kool aid. Support him but disengage from them.
Yep, what still learning
Yep, what still learning says. DH will always drink the koolaid...it's his kids. You can detach, say "that's nice...hey, what are we doing for dinner?", but don't allow your boundaries to be crossed. Don't allow their crappiness to infiltrate your life or take up free rent space in your head.
^^^^ Very perfectly put!
^^^^ Very perfectly put!
THIS is the BEST advice from
THIS is the BEST advice from StepAside; I wish I would have had someone talk to me this way 30+ years ago. I am now doing this and have more peace than I've had in 30+ years.
Please follow this advice. You will feel left out and you must find your own interest to make this work. There is no getting around the facts and these facts will never change.
^^^This^^^ One of the most
^^^This^^^ One of the most liberating moments you will have is when you let go and focus on something more important and rewarding in your life.
divorced fathers are
divorced fathers are pathologically enmeshed with their children esp if they are daughters. the daughters have them by the nuts. i feel so embarrassed for these middle aged men with silly goofy smiles on their faces when the skids call or text.
in my case the skids never contacted their dear old dad unless they needed something like money. in one case one skid ignored the father for months on end because she did not get the designer hand bag she wanted or something. just to punish him. but every week hed call and leave a message in a whiny voice. hey its dad. just checking in to say hi. i love you and miss you. kiss kiss.
nauseating.