Uncooperative Adult Children
Hello all. I came across this site due to problems I face in what I consider a wonderful relationship. I’m a 58 year old male and my partner is a widow of 55. A little history about my partner would not go amiss. She is disabled and suffers from Fibromyalgia also called fibromyalgia syndrome which is a long-term condition that causes pain all over the body. As well as widespread pain, she also has increased sensitivity to pain, fatigue, tiredness, muscle stiffness and difficulty in sleeping on occasions. Due to medication she has lost her teeth and now wears dentures that have caused her to loose a significant amount of weight over a period of time due to poor fit.
My partner is a wonderful person, even tempered, tolerant and cares for all others to the point of it being to her own detriment. She is unable to work at a paid job but is very capable of keeping a clean and tidy home even though this can create great pain and discomfort for her at times. She is also a mother to three adult children in their late 20’s, two of which still live in her home. Here lies the problem.
I recently moved in with her and even before I did so, was aware that there were problems with co-operation from the two remaining children. One has a part time job and also receives a carers financial allowance to look after her mother. The other is unemployed but studies part time to become a hair dresser. Each adult child when not working or at study spend almost all their time at home with little or no outside interests.
Due to my partners selfless nature and past efforts to make up for their father’s death, she has put herself into a very difficult situation now and one which I can’t help try to rectify. One daughter tried to commit suicide following her father’s death. She also went through a serious eating disorder and since then, grown in size considerably. Issues such as these have put their mother under great additional strain causing greater distress to her fibromyalgia. She also feels it necessary to treat the one daughter with past suicidal tenancies with kid gloves. Personally, I feel that manipulation is taking place here.
Neither child is in the least bit interested in keeping the home clean and tidy and are more than happy to see their mother on hands and knees cleaning floors - literally. If challenged by anyone, their excuse is that if they were to do it, it would not be good enough for their mother. This is nothing short of a cop out. Dish washing and clothes of theirs were not washed unless by mum and if their mother takes out a vacuum cleaner, often, one or other might say, I was going to do that and allow her to continue.
Due to the above, I outright refuse to become a second slave to a pair of brats and consequently, the burden remains on their mother and this I don’t like. Some slight progress has been made in that they do now wash-up dishes in a fashion following an argument with them.
There are further issues where their mother is informed that they have always been there for her when she has needed their support and to my mind, emotional blackmail is taking place. Basically, she supports them to include financially also.
Now to the point of my posting. I deeply love my partner and can imagine we have a beautiful future together but at the same time feel helpless in this situation as they are not now children. My partner is weak as they are her daughters and I try not to create a problem and jeopardise the mother daughter relationship. So far, this has not caused a rift between my partner and I but I can see it may and am very tempted to walk out before our relationship becomes ruined.
How can I, we move forward?
I would agree that I ought
I would agree that I ought not to have moved in but was promised that things would be okay and improve where I was foolish enough to have believed that. My other half means the world to me and since we have met, her health has improved greatly. We lived together at my own place for a very short time and things were perfect between us. However, due to circumstances beyond my control, I/we were unable to continue living at my past residence so it was suggested I moved in with her. I did have a choice I know but it would not have been financially practical to live locally to her. It was considered that she moved out of her place and we resided together at a separate place and the adult children remained in her home basically financed by us. However, I felt that this was most inappropriate as her home is her home and she should not feel driven out due to our relationship. Basically, the adult kids getting their own way and manipulating our lives.
Their was a further issue here in that I was and am most concerned about her health in that it has improved greatly since we met and should we not remain together, that would take a downward turn.
It’s a ridiculous situation as their mother feels compelled to support the adult children due to their financial problems and inability to develop a life of their own. I considered walking out and if I mention this, it’s thought that such a decision would be due to a lack of love for my partner and that is most certainly not the case. It’s only because I love her we are together now. It would be so much simpler to just move out and on from my point of view.
Some of the confusion in my mind is where do I actually stand in this relationship. Should I tell them to get their act together or not. I’ve done so and the sisters gang up on me and I therefore appear the aggressor. Is it even right that I challenge adult kids?
At this moment things feel somewhat calmer but in my heart of hearts I,m sure that nothing is going to change. My partners mother, uncles and oldest daughter all tell my partner to take control of her own life and little seems to help as she appears to be trying to please everyone to little avail.
I seriously though the other day about walking out. Does that make me weak? Does it suggest I don’t love her enough? Is it right that other say if we love each other things will improve and I’ll stick it out. At times I think I don’t need all this at my age 58. Just go and let them sort out their own lives.
It’s a crazy situation that I meet someone very specially and we have these problems that can potentially destroy our relationship. I’m not even sure who I’m having a relationship with with so many others now involved.
I’d like the kids well and truly gone but that seems so selfish.
YOU ARE NOT SELFISH! You
YOU ARE NOT SELFISH! You have a RIGHT to happiness - tell her these brats need to hit the road! They are adults for shit sake! Get a job you slobs! I know you love this woman, but she's not respecting you either by letting these lazy ADULT let's get that straight - ADULTS get their way.
THEY ARE SELFISH! Do they think you and their mom are not entitled to happiness because they don't want to work?! Clean?! Do anything?!
I had this problem - told the fiancé screw this shit- and you can hit the road too. Guess what, he stayed - realized his daughter was a piece of shit and I Was right.
You will never be happy in this situation unless something drastic happens. There are a lot of other women out there without these issues who you can love and will love you. Trust me on that!
It sounds like a self-made
It sounds like a self-made toxic culture...The only one that can fix it is the one who created it to begin with...No, i do not think moving out makes you weak...I think you were under the impression it would be different (for some reason)...and experienced the reality of the situation once you moved in...Personally, I think moving out makes you strong...strong enough to respect yourself enough to realize the living situation is totally unacceptable.
The very stress that the culture is marinated in, is probably the same stress that contributes to the creation of the disease she has...It isn't healthy...and If she isn't doing anything to change it...then it remains unhealthy...
If you knew that radiation was in the atmosphere in the house you lived in...and you know what radiation does to a human...would you stay? Would it make you look weak if you chose to leave?...No, you would run out of there...who cares how it makes you look to others...it is the same with an environment filled with emotional, mental, and psychological issues...full of strife, laziness, and fighting...it is just as bad for a human to remain exposed to those elements...because the stress of the situation will eventually cause you to stay in a chronic state of turmoil...which will eventually wear down your auto immune system...then physical disease sets into your body..We were not created to reside in a long term toxic culture....
Who knows? by moving out, it may show your partner that she needs to wake up and do something...make a change...peace.
Feedback is appreciated from
Feedback is appreciated from all and the comments from Echo I can appreciate are for the most part straight forward, to the point and true for the most. However, in the case of my partner not wanting to improve her own health is far from true as I know how much effort she makes with her disability. In this regard, she knows that less stress is beneficial to her so tries to keep a happy home. I refer to the point before I moved in.. This is not an excuse on her behalf I can assure you. Yes I agree that she should never have allowed the situation to have come about but such, can creep up so easily and unnoticed until too late.
My partner has improved no end health wise and I feel, a great deal, due to my efforts. This said, excuses and an over understanding on her part towards her adult children has been to her detriment and remains so as this could cause a breakup of our relationship and lead to additional stress. They are adult children that for the most, much said to them, goes on deaf ears. I’ve heard for myself. The battles I mean. It’s not fair on her and to my mind, the words of so called love they have for her are not true. They mention in their defense (the children) how much they have helped her in the passed and this leads to a continued appreciation from my partner. The past has come and gone and should not now be an issue, yet it remains, and so the understanding nature of my partner towards them continues.
From my point of view, I feel guilt that until I came into her life, all was working. Not perfectly I know, but still working. If I were to leave her, her health would decline as that's what happens in stressful situations with the Fibromyalagia sufferer. So what is the best course of action when you love someone dearly and want to support them. All in all, I’m sure the situation can’t continue as is and I recent deeply what I see happening. The manipulation, snide remarks and manipulation that occurs.
The comments from Peacemaker are so true and yes I should pack my bags and go as I know what’s possibly coming in the long run. Deep down I can’t say I like my partners off springs as they will potentially destroy what I consider a most wonderful relationship between two people. I can’t see that they truly love their mother as if they REALLY did, they would do everything in their power to help and support their mother and this is far from the case. They don't even consider she is entitled to a happy romantic life.
An email from my partner said that if things were not to work out, she hoped we could remain friends. She wrote this as she knows I feel like leaving and she in her heart feels their is little she can do to alleviate the feelings I have. There is though, but it’s almost certainly a matter of them or me.
I am grateful for the comments and I shall almost certainly show her these postings when the content and comments have increased. Perhaps then, she will see the way forward. It is only since I found this forum I realised that this is such a common problem. How very sad for so many people.