New here- boyfriend and I are trying to blend families- need help!
My boyfriend has a 15 year old daughter and I have 3 kids, boy 14,girl 12 and boy 9.
The kids get along well and we spend every other weekend doing a joint activity.
My boyfriend and I each have the kids 50% of the time and we are on the same schedule. When we don't have the kids we stay together, when we do have the kids we stay at our respective homes and do activities together.
We have been dating a year and a half and have included the kids for the last 12 months. We are very serious about each other and are considering marriage.
The problem is that his daughter has issues with him having a significant other. My boyfriend has been divorced for 4 years now. I'm the only girl friend she has met (her choice). She often puts him in situations where he has to choose her or me.
The most recent issue is that her mom has asked that her dad take her on nights she is supposed to be with her mom. My boyfriend asks me if this is ok and I say yes. The issue is that she won't stay at her dad's apartment if I stay there too, which means I have to go home on those days we agree to the schedule change.
We spend our kid-free weekends together but if he does his ex wife a favor and takes his daughter on one of those weekend nights I have to go home because she doesn't want me to
Stay over and cries and carries on.
I don't know what to do here. Is 12 months together too soon for me to stay when she is there? How do we help her become more comfortable with the idea?
Ideally we would like to move in together around the 2 year mark together but it seems like that won't be possible if she can't accept me staying over at her dad's apartment for a night.
Help!
Yeah, there are two issues
Yeah, there are two issues here. You're focussed on the issue about appropriate moving-in together / staying over / getting married etc etc behaviour and the BF/GF's kids.
More important is the fact that your BF's kid is in charge of what happens. That won't change, and you sleeping over will be the least of your issues if you and your children are subject to this teen's whim, and BF backs her.
Thanks to the three of you
Thanks to the three of you for replying.
I feel exactly as you put it in your posts. I feel that she is calling the shots and has too much power.
My boyfriend goes back and forth between standing firm and giving in saying we need to give her more time.
I guess I'm looking for outside viewpoints to
See if I'm way off or maybe not understanding enough. I'm trying to look at the big picture and see which battles are worth fighting.
Yes, down southinTX, I am
Yes, down southinTX, I am pretty sure being an only child plays a large role here. She is used to getting what she wants most of the time. And it's not about quality time with her dad because he is very aware of making sure they have 2-3 days a week just for the two of them. She is the one who declined his offers to do things because she is a typical busy teenage girl. It's a case of "I don't want to spend time with him it I don't want anyone else to either".
The thought has crossed my mind that her mom may have the same attitude and is asking these favors knowing it will mean less time for my boyfriend and I together.
I'm turning to this forum because I know so many of you have been in similar situations and I hope to avoid costly mistakes.
Rule no 1 - no switching days
Rule no 1 - no switching days . Stick to it or your life will be hell.
So has Dad asked her exactly
So has Dad asked her exactly what upsets her so much? It seems rather silly that she doesn't mind having you around in the evenings. She doesn't mind doing family activities on weekends. Doesn't seem to be you she dislikes.
Is she freaking out over the thought of Dad having sex in a small apartment and prepares fearing she'll overhear? Kids do get goofy at the idea their ancient father/mother have sex... get that ick factor. Or is she objecting to the idea Dad is having sex and not with Mom (wants parents back together, isn't accepting of the divorce)?
I'm not sure the root cause
I'm not sure the root cause of her distress over me spending the night. She won't articulate or elaborate beyond "I'm not ready". And then starts crying and pleading "don't do this to me."
It could be not accepting the divorce even though it's been 4 years, it could be the thought of us having sex or maybe just the idea of a step towards marriage which may freak her out.
My boyfriend has been very patient with her and I'm trying to be as well but when does it end? When do we (he) put the foot down and just say how it's going to be?
If your boyfriend is allowing
If your boyfriend is allowing his daughter to run the show now, it won't get any better when you move in together. You guys have been together long enough that I don't see why you can't spend the night when his daughter is there. She totally knows what she's doing and it's working.
Yes- I think she knows
Yes- I think she knows exactly what she is doing. But I can't say that to her dad or it will backfire on me.
To clarify: I do not take
To clarify: I do not take this personally. I feel like she likes me and my kids. It's the idea of someone sharing her dad's bed while she is there. She knows we spend our weekends together at my place or his when the kids are with their opposite spouse.
I'm not sure exactly what is the issue. My boyfriend has tried to talk to her many times to understand and she goes to therapy too. She just says she is not ready for that step. The therapist says she is very emotional and will
Come around eventually. My boyfriend has said to her on several occasions that we're trying to respect her feelings and give her time but we are moving forward. Perhaps that is too vague? I mean, she may never feel ready and I'm not one to let my own kids dictate my life let alone someone else's. That's not to say I don't consider the feelings and needs of others involved but when is it time for the two
Adults in the relationship to make the decision?
Why shouldn't they if their
Why shouldn't they if their relationship is progressing? That is the next step for many couples. And she said they were talking about marriage as well. Should they get married and live in separate residences?
I agree with the others about
I agree with the others about SD having too much power. Your BF needs to shut that down if you want things to work. When my SD was 15, DH and I just moved in together (dating 6 months...he had her eowe or less due to her own activities), and she tried pulling that trick where she only wanted to see DH alone. He shut that down immediately. He told her it's her loss, and so he didn't see her for a couple months until she finally agreed to come around regardless if I was there or not. A year or two later, after we were married, she said something again about wanting to spend alone time with DH (they did get alone time, but not when she dictated it...) She tried to say she didn't have a problem with me, but she wanted to spend time with DH. DH told her that she is the child, and she doesn't get to decide who her father is with, and whether or not they are alone. It's his decision. He said she didn't get to choose her parents, so she also does not get to choose any partners her parents choose. Not sure if I articulated that correctly...
My SD is now 24 and will come and visit with just me and her half brothers without DH around if he's working. Some things have improved over time.
BF needs to be a parent, not a friend.
He is unwilling to put his
He is unwilling to put his foot down and be the parent. He says he needs to
Take care of her and her feelings. And that means not having me spend the night until she is ready.
Ooh, sorry. That's not good.
Ooh, sorry. That's not good. She's not a baby! If you were new in her life, that's one thing, but it's not like you just met. Now it's just about her exerting control over her father.
We do have separate
We do have separate residences but ultimately want to live together.
It seems everyone but his daughter is willing to compromise. He is blinded to her antics and won't set boundaries. We fight everything we talk about it. I feel like she dictAtes our relationship. He just gets defensive if I say anything tegRding his daughter.
Well, stop pussy-footing
Well, stop pussy-footing around then. The problem isn't his daughter, it's him. He's a bad parent and weak partner. I bet he'd be defensive if you told him that, too... but you'd get somewhere.
^^^ this. Sometimes, men have
^^^ this. Sometimes, men have to be told bluntly, no fluff or sugar coating. He may not like it but it should get his attention. It sounds better than letting a 15 year old dictate your life.
I'm going to be honest with
I'm going to be honest with you. Your BF is never going to change how he deals with his kid. Her wants are always going to come before your needs and the needs of your relationship.
I know this from experience. He is displaying the same pattern of behavior as my H. Strong words to you in private but never putting his foot down when it really matters.
Quite frankly, my advice to you would be, if you like this guy and you can live with this child running your lives, then stay in the relationship. Because I can honestly tell you, she will always be in the front seat and you will probably always view life from the trunk.
Sorry but I bet a barrel of
Sorry but I bet a barrel of lollies that she will not be out at 18!! She will be one who stays for as long as her dadddeeee allows.
I guess I need to decide how
I guess I need to decide how flexible I can be. I'm trying to figure out how much I can put up with regarding this situation.
I do see frustration on his part too sometimes so maybe I need to
Step back and let him feel the discomfort of his decisions.
Maybe if I reach my breaking point down the road if nothing changes he will see that he too needed to be flexible and was not.
I'm not quite willing to walk away yet but I'm close.
I'm willing to give it some more time but if I don't see any progress then I guess I will need to move on.
I'm willing to compromise and find solutions that work for everyone but I'm not willing for my needs to be overlooked or not considered.
I guess I need to decide how
I guess I need to decide how flexible I can be. I'm trying to figure out how much I can put up with regarding this situation.
I do see frustration on his part too sometimes so maybe I need to
Step back and let him feel the discomfort of his decisions.
Maybe if I reach my breaking point down the road if nothing changes he will see that he too needed to be flexible and was not.
I'm not quite willing to walk away yet but I'm close.
I'm willing to give it some more time but if I don't see any progress then I guess I will need to move on.
I'm willing to compromise and find solutions that work for everyone but I'm not willing for my needs to be overlooked or not considered.
You do realize BM is probably
You do realize BM is probably trying to do some sabotage behind the scenes here...
Yes- I am Aware that BM is
Yes- I am
Aware that BM is doing her part toke things difficult for us. I get shut down any time I even hint at that though.
Do you spend time with the
Do you spend time with the daughter? Have you made an effort to be her friend? I agree that she's calling the shots and that's not good or acceptable, but is there something you can do to mitigate it? or have you tried and she's just not having it? I thought for sure my So's teenage daughter would be the biggest hurdle and it's not at all, she's a wonderful kid and we very much like each other, but since she's the only girl out of 5, I make it a point to dote on her a little and do girly things with her, as a friend not as imposition to her mother. I also say little things here and there to let her know that I know that she's daddy's only little girl and there's room for both of us. When we're both around I don't try and steal the spotlight or necessarily allow her to, but make it inclusive and about the three of us. Just an idea. I know it's especially hard with daddy's and daughters and mommies and sons, there's a territorial thing that happens there.
Thanks for your reply here.
Thanks for your reply here. Yes, I'm trying to build a relationship with her as much as she will allow. She is a hesitant to do anything alone with me. I keep offering for when she is ready. I do think that trying to get to know each other better will help. She is resisting on the one hand and knows that in order to feel more comfortable with me and to see me as as a person and not some unknown factor that she has to give us a chance. Her desired pace is very slow. We've been doing activities together for 8 or 9 months now and she still says she doesn't feel comfortable around me yet. I can understand to some extent but I do think there is some manipulation in there. She knows she's calling the shots and I think she likes that role. There seems to be little incentive for her for things to change.
I'll continue to reach out to her and try to let her get to know me better so she can see that I'm not a threat to her.
Now, as to what to do about boyfriend making everything an either or situation and making sure his daughter feels like his choice, in other words, "wins", that is another story all together.
I really need to figure out if that will ever change. I know he doesn't want to lose me and if we can make progress in that area, where he sees that he can take care of both of us, not one of us at the others expense, then maybe we have a shot. I'm willing to take a bit more time and see if there is any progress on both of these fronts.
If after 8 or 9 months she
If after 8 or 9 months she "still doesn't feel comfortable" being with you, than this is balogna.
She is milking this situation for attention. She senses you want to win her over and she's pulling in the other direction.
Stop this tug o war, drop the rope, or this will continue for years...
I agree that this may be what
I agree that this may be what is happening.
How do I stop the tug of war?
I would stop trying to be her
I would stop trying to be her friend and giving her the ammo to reject you. I would simply stop. As others have posted, I would live apart until things get better on their own. We don't know if this girl will ever accept you in the future, but we do know that as she grows, her own life and friends will be more important than daddy. Well actually, we don't know that either, there are tons of failure-to-launch mini wife stories on this forum!
Nobody ever says "I waited too long", but plenty say "I jumped in too fast". Give yourself the gift of time, it will show you what this girl is really about.
If I could go back in time and not move in, I would. My hairdresser avoided the moving in thing. She's got a wonderful boyfriend and they live separately, and they will continue to do so until their respective kids are 18. They're having a great time, going out and having fun. Neither one of them has to deal with any step-parenting nightmares.
I envy them!
Venting and giving someone
Venting and giving someone advice are two totally different things. The advice can't all be, " You're effed, come complain with us." make some sort of effort then get to that point. If that's all you got when someone asks for help just stick to the venting and ignore requests for advice...certainly don't shame someone for offering something constructive. It doesn't always work or end up being worth the effort in the end, but it's bad advice to tell someone to immediately give up at the first sign of trouble. I think most people would rather try and fail than just give up.
I think the advice to wait-
I think the advice to wait- as expressed by several of you, is the best course of action right now.
I was putting some pressure on myself in that I had planned to move this summer to be closer to my kids school. We are about 30 mins away and the commute is stressing all of us as well as hindering social opportunities for my older kids.
I was happy that the timing between my SO and I lined up with that. It would be the 2 year mark almost and it seemed like we were all moving in the same direction. Until his daughter started expressing her discomfort with our pace.
So this weekend I mentioned about how considering he is hesitant to push forward when his daughter is uncomfortable and I can't even stY the night if she is there that moving together in 6 months doesn't seem likely but that I really need to move. I need to do it for me and my kids. And it was my plan even before he and I started dating.
Well this didn't go over well. He is upset because he feels like I'm throwing our plans away and I will buy a house and later if he and his daughter move in it will feel like they are moving into my house instead of us all moving together in our "our house. And realistically I won't want to sell my house and move only a short time later (I consider even 1-2 years a short time when holding real estate) I can understand this but I explained that I can't put this need to move on hold waiting for an undetermined amount of time until his daughter is ready. He understands this but is still upset. He feels like I am putting my needs and my kids needs first. I am. He is doing the same with his daughter! Arghgg!
So- yes- I think I'll remove the pressure of trying to make this all fit together. Move into my own house and continue dating. If his daughter comes around fine, if not, I'm not waiting on him.