Stepson with behavioral issues causing stress with ex wife
I have been a SD to a ss16 and sd19. Sd has schitzophrenia and autism. She is 19 but has tantrums like she is 5. This is sometimes scary to my own bds 8 and 15 but mostly to the 8 yo. The bigger problem is my ss who has anger control issues and diagnosed bipolar. He sometimes gets into an anger cycle that continues to escalate and results in screaming and violence which is directed mostly towards his mom and dad. Twice in the last month and a half we have called the police and he has been hospitalized. He has never directed any violence towards my daughters. But my ex continues to infer the girls are in danger and criticizes us for what we are doing about my SS. She wants details about his diagnosis and treatments. She also expects us to not have the girls and my SS together in the house. Which is impossible since he lives here. Alternately I would never see my daughters. Neither my wife not I would let anything happen to my daughters. My wife has dealt with both her kids' mental health issues for years and I give her a lot of credit to her for remains sane.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
Your wife needs to start
Your wife needs to start planning NOW like yesterday for services to allow both children to eventually live as independently as they can. With the older one it will most likely be some sort of group home. The younger one with bipolar to be honest could easily end up in prison if he is unwilling to take his meds and the violence is not tamed. With meds he can live a pretty normal productive life.
I do not say this from a perspective of kick her out because she is an adult. My point is to enable her to live as productive a life as she can. I've seen what can happen to a child who is sheltered at home forever. When the parents are gone the child's life is totally uprooted even when there are siblings with the best intentions.
Your ex wife does not have the right to know the details of your SS's medical records. HIPPA applies to the disabled too. But she does have a right to know that her children will be safe. And most importantly your daughters have the right to BE safe. You cannot make any assumptions about their safety based on what he hasn't done YET.
I'm sorry but as a BM I
I'm sorry but as a BM I wouldn't want my children around your Skids. She doesn't have any right to the Skids medical records but she does have the right to know that her children are safe.
Are you able to visit them outside your home? You might not have overnights with them but you can still be active in their lives.
The fact is you choose to enter a relationship with your wife and her disabled children. Your children did not have a choice.
I am a childless step mum,
I am a childless step mum, but if I had children of my own, I wouldn't them around your step kids either. Especially if the 8 year old is frightened. You chose this, your kids did not.
I would not take any
I would not take any assurance of guarantee that anyone in your home is safe. If it were my kids, they would not be over there with these people sorry. Visit away from home would be ideal. Local day trips or at a family members home. Do you have family who would put you up a few times a year? After something terrible has happened and the child has been failed it is way too late. I know its harsh but its the truth! Things happen all the time, and there is an adult saying "I should have known and done things differently!" I stand by what others have said.
I'm sorry but I don't blame
I'm sorry but I don't blame your EX one bit. I would be asking all the same questions she is asking and if I didn't get straight answers, my kids would not be coming back.
There is no way you can say you are protecting your children 100% of the time. What about when they are sleeping...are you sitting outside SD19's door with a weapon in case she decides to have an episode? Are you removing everything from your home except feathers and cotton balls?? No....I know you mean well and want to do it all but there is no way you will be able to honestly protect your kids. I would refuse to allow my kids to come to your house. I hate to be one of "those" BM's but that is a fact.
You may have to choose between your marriage and your kids.
This is the time to be "one
This is the time to be "one of those BMs". Most BMs posted about here bitch for the sake of bitching.
This BM has a very valid reason to be concerned. There's no way I would allow my kids to go there. Based on what the OP posted, I would be willing to spring for hotel room for dad and the kids during his time. If that offer was turned down, I would go to court.