Her immaturity/mental illness is making me question my sanity
:jawdrop:
When my DH and I started dating, I knew he had a 7 year old and an ex wife. I knew the ex wife, at the time, was his "friend". My DH said they were friends for the sake of their child - which was fine with me. I even tried to be friendly to the ex wife to make it all ok. I didn't stand a chance from the beginning. Right out of the gate she would tell my DH lies to make him turn away from me. She even forbade their daughter to speak to me, hug me, spend time with me, etc. I can list them - all these things happened AFTER we started dating and behind her husbands back:
* she told their daughter she wasn't allowed to talk to me (My DH stopped that)
* she told their daughter she wasn't allowed to hug me (My DH stopped that too)
* she would send my DH 'love songs' CDs with their daughter when she came over (behind her husbands back)
* she would send my DH pictures of herself in scandalous dresses asking "What do you think of this one?"
* she came over to use my DH's computer to upload her resume to print it off and 'accidentally' downloaded nude pictures of herself
* my DH took their daughter and her out shopping for back to school clothes. While their daughter was in the changing room, she came over and quickly kissed my DH. My DH quickly finished the outing and brought them back home. She was mad it didn't go as 'planned' so she told her husband that my DH approached her.
* she told my DH that she heard I was the 'mean girl' in high school and to stay away from me.
* when my husband finally had enough and told her that they couldn't be "friends" anymore because she didn't respect his new relationship, she flipped and told him that he NEEDs to break up with me because I slept with her husband!
I could go on and on and on. Me and my DH obviously stayed together and got married. She didn't end up breaking us up. But now she is trying to use their daughter to break us up.
Every bad behavior that their daughter exposes gets blamed on me or their daughters supposed hate towards me. Their daughter follows me around when she is at our house and wants to be around me and talk to me - not the behavior of a child who even remotely 'hates' someone. Their daughter lies to my DH, it's because she hates me. Their daughter steals from our house, it's because she hates me. Their daughter does what she wants without asking first, it's because she hates me. That is his ex wife's mentality. She doesn't see that their daughter acts the same way (lies, steals and does things without asking first) at her house too. My DH has told me when his ex texts him and says "She is lying again" or "Her attitude needs to get in check". Is that my fault too? If their daughter winds up a teenage mom, that will probably be somehow twisted as my fault too. I have noticed with his ex, she is NEVER accountable for her crappy behavior. She doesn't see that she sets the example for her daughter to follow and her daughter is behaving like her! I am scared to say anything or do anything WITH their daughter when my DH isn't present - because I don't want to be accused of something and not have a witness!
It has been 5 years now and you would think that his ex would get the picture that we aren't going to break up because of anything she does or says. Now, I suppose for the next 5 year (until my SD is 18), it will be showing them that we aren't going to break up because of anything she makes her daughter do/say or says about their daughter.
My biggest worry is that since my DH loves his daughter so much, as he should, he is going to finally give in and turn against me.
You should definitely not be
You should definitely not be around the daughter without your DH.
Is your DH aware of what BM is doing? If so, I wouldn't worry about him turning against you.
What is your DH doing about his daughter's lying, stealing, and just doing things without asking?
I would disengage from the girl (not totally ignore but leave everything concerning her to your husband) and I would ignore BM.
Yes. He is aware of what she
Yes. He is aware of what she is doing and sees that she doesn't respect boundaries or our relationship. He sees that she is using every tool at her expenses to break us up. And her last tool is their daughter.
My DH's own mother doesn't talk to him anymore because of her. Long story short, she brought lies upon lies to his mother about us, our home, our parenting style, you name it. My MIL worships the ground her grand daughter walks on and believed everything the BM said about my SD. When my DH tried to talk to his mother about it and defend himself, he was and still is, greeted with coldness. It is no wonder he married his ex wife - she is JUST LIKE his mother - they come from the same pod.
My DH is addressing her bad behavior with my SD and there are consequences (toys taken away, sitting and writing, time outs). He is also TRYING to talk to his EX about it, but that is like beating your head against the wall. Her response to their daughter's behavior is "What did you or your wife do to make her do that?"
Stay aligned with DH. You
Stay aligned with DH. You both need to make your marriage and each other the unequalled priority. The Skid can be the top marital responsibility for both of you but never should she take priority over each other or your marriage.
If you are synched as equity life partners, that includes being equity parents to any children in your marital home regardless of the biology of those kids then BM nor SD will be more than a PITA and a bug you crush when it gets too irritating.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
You really need to go no
You really need to go no contact with bm. She obviously hasn't moved on, and won't as long as your dh is still engaging in her shenanigans.
Please looks into "our family wizard". That way you can to no contact with bm about anything non skid related.
I am sure that your dh was getting some sort of thrill about his ex fawning over him, but when it may disrupt your family, it is not worth it.
100% agree!
100% agree! talkingparents.com is another option. Dont let her crazy make you crazy!
I agree, we have a crazy BM
I agree, we have a crazy BM as well who wouldn't let go. Why is your DH texting her? At least block the phone and have him take it to email. Only answer emails that are absolutely necessary to answer. You may even want to demand that they go to mediation once a year to discuss the custody calendar and school issues. Here in California, you get at least one free mediation visit. And even if it's not free... if BM has to pay for mediation every time she wants to speak to DH, she'll have less to say.
BM will ony back down once she has no audience at all... zero, zip.
agreed
agreed
They failed at marriage and
They failed at marriage and failed at divorce.