Apparently I can't ask my SD to do her chore.
Sorry in advanced. Just kind of need to rant.
My SD never had a single thing that was expected of her when I first moved in. She was 8 and my DH cleaned her room, picked out her clothes, sat in her bathroom while she took a bath, etc. She is now 13 and I have implemented some basic chores. DH goes back and forth on whether he supports me or thinks I'm being mean. As of last month, I've started to disengage. I'm not her mom, she is not a reflection of me, I don't care how she turns out because she is not my child.
Anyway, one of her chores is to scoop out the litter box every other day (Mon, Wed, Fri). Today is Thursday. One of the cats had some bad diarrhea and the house smelled bad. I asked her to scoop it out. She whined. I caved and said at least clean out the poo. She whined but said fine. Off she went to walk the dog and she would do it when she got back. My DH jumped on me the second she walked out. Complained that I should have just cleaned it since I was the only one it bothered. I said it would take her less than 1 minute and it really wouldn't kill her. He thought I was being ridiculous. I said fine, sorry, I won't ask her to do stuff ever again, my bad. Then he told me I was being like BM by taking it to "an extreme" by saying that I won't do it again. Ugh. It's a lose-lose. Super frustrating.
Wait - he accused you of
Wait - he accused you of "being like BM". That is such a low blow. I would not do anything for that f***** a****** again either.
I instantly got furious. I
I instantly got furious. I guess whenever he and his ex got in a disagreement, the ex would go to an extreme such as, "Fine! I won't have any friends or any life or anything ever again!" So when I said, "Oops. Guess I won't ask her to do chores again" he thought it was the same thing. I am not defending him, because I am still pissed off about this. I honestly thought it would be fine to ask her because DH and I had a conversation a few days ago about how he likes the idea of just asking her to do things when they need to be done vs having assigned days to do chores. MY BAD! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Haha
I will try this! I feel like
I will try this! I feel like I've tried everything. From newspaper shreds, to pellets, to grains, everything. Right now we're using the Arm and Hammer stuff. I have told her over and over again that she needs to add fresh litter once a week (AND NOT A TINY DOT IN THE MIDDLE), and dump the entire thing out once a month to keep the litter fresh. Wanna know how many times that's happened? ZERO! I feel like our house smells bad. You know when you're away for a while and you come home and you can actually smell it? Anytime I can actually smell it it reeks and I'm embarrassed. DH doesn't notice, but I'm sure any of guests can. But god forbid I bring this up and it's me attacking poor SD. She can never do anything right in my eyes. I see her as a sibling. Blah blah blah. I will try the crystals! Thanks!
Or buy a box of baking soda,
Or buy a box of baking soda, use the entire box at the bottom of the box and then add clean litter; it really cuts down on the oder for me.
So you're being like BM?? Ask
So you're being like BM?? Ask him which sh***y @$$ed parent he's emulating, turning his daughter into a helpless and lazy slug.
So don't ask ....
So don't ask .... TELL!!!!
And when you do rub DH's nose in the fact that you complied with your prior discussion on the topic and tell him if he fails to support you as his equity life partner and equity parent to any children in your marrital home regardless of kid biology that next time you won't only tell you will grab them both by the scruff of the neck and rub their noses in it.... the dirty litter box that is.
Grrrrr! Time to implement zero tolerance for bullshit behavior from both your idiot husband and his toxic prior relationship crotch nugget.
IMHO of course.
He is definitely putting a
He is definitely putting a strain on my and SD's relationship. We used to get along very well. I told everyone how lucky I was that I got the 1 good stepkid in the world. But everything changed when she became a teen. I get that teens can be difficult. But I also feel like you can manage it! When he doesn't follow through on things that leaves me to try to do the parenting, it's just bad. So I'm done with the parenting bit and working on disengaging. So far I feel a lot better, but I have a long ways to go.
I was the one who made the chore chart. I even offered an allowance. And get this! All she had to do to start earning an allowance was to clean her bathroom within the first week of the month. JUST ONCE. This started in January. After 9 months of being able to not do this simple task, she did it with a reminder in September. Then, all she needed to do with complete her 3-4 chores a week, on time, no half/assing, and she would get 2 dollars a week. So far she has earned 2 dollars, and it is the middle of December. So I give up on the chore thing. I'm the only one that was making sure she was following through and it has hurt my and my SD's relationship for sure. She feels like I ride her all the time and I feel like she's a spoiled brat who never has to do anything and has the biggest sense of entitlement. I'm the bad guy all the time. She made me a bday card last week and it said all these wonderful things. It went something like, "You are the best! I love you except for when you yell at me." :jawdrop: I have never once raised my voice at this child. She thinks when I say things in a direct way that isn't lighthearted or joky that I'm yelling at her. And on top of that my DH and her have a joke about my "Effinwabashi Voice". Like I have an attitude or am being super bossy when I ask her to do things. I think he is overly sensitive, and on top of that NO ONE IN THE WORLD, INCLUDING FRIENDS, COWORKERS, BOSSES, WILL EVER TALK TO HER IN A NICE AND GENTLE WAY IN CASE IT HURTS HER FEELINGS! Gah!
Her set chore is litter duty
Her set chore is litter duty Monday Wednesday and Friday yet the day in question is Thursday and she is wondering y sd is annoyed she was asked
Agree with this. I don't ask
Agree with this.
I don't ask ANYONE else to clean the cat litter box. The cats are mine.
SD9 likes to help feed them, so that's cool.
But cat care is never expected.
And it's also why SD11 will never have an animal as a pet. Ever.
(oh no, are those famous last words...?!)
Didn't delete it! I somehow
Didn't delete it! I somehow posted this twice. Sorry about that! I replied on your other comment on the other post. Not my cat! They are hers.
Why though? I care for a kid
Why though? I care for a kid that's not mine so said kid ands my husband can clean a litter box once in a while. I came into the family with my cats, so yes, technically they're mine, but they're part of the family too. Just like my stepdaughter is part of the family.
I don't get why it's on the person who owned the cat first lol the way i see it, they enjoy the cats cute cuddles they can help clean up after it.
PREACH! I have tried to
PREACH! I have tried to explain these things but I cannot get through to him. I'm still mad about the BM comment, but I've had to grow some thick skin over the past few years. I've told him he's doing nothing but bad for her by doing things for her and not following through. Even his mother has my back on this!
You should have immediately
You should have immediately reminded him about your previous discussion about just asking her to help. Remind him it's HIS idea and you thought you were just doing what you thought HE wanted. You should also tell him that when you say you won't ever ask her again, you actually mean it and aren't just being dramatic like BM. The next time he ever compares you to BM you need to tell him that he needs to stop comparing you to her or hit the road since he already knows how his relationship with BM turned out. A Hole.
You say it's her chore yet
You say it's her chore yet you also say that she is supposed to do it Monday Wednesday and friday....changing the kitty litter is a messy job you can't get angry at a 13 year old who doesn't want to change the kitty litter when it's runny and you can't get angry when its also not her day to do said chore....of course she is going to winge at that because I see that as unfair when it seems as though she does what's asked of her......when you married your husband unfortunately u also married his kids and his pets if u aren't willing to rehome the pets then I'm sorry but it's also your responsibility...who ever is supposed to clean the litter on Thursday should do it and you should cut your sd a break
WOW. I thought I was the only
WOW. I thought I was the only "Mean" one that ever asked a non-biological young female daughter of significant other to accomplish something within the household.
My somewhat SD17.5 - she lost her very first job...oops, and now has her hand out for money all the time. For 2 1/2 years I took care of her old dachshund, and spent time with her, cleaned up after her. Now shes passed away, and I paid half the cremation. I guess I can forget about any thank-yous.
I had an argument with SD17.5 last weekend. She was just in from BM's and wanted to hold the rabbit. It is not her rabbit it is her sister, SD10.5 Anyway she held rabbit on a cloth-covered piano bench without a towel. I cant tell you how many times I have cleaned up Rabbit mess. I take care of rabbit every day, BTW. So when I asked please put the towel down, she said "no its ok". Well I repeated myself, and it blew up, into "well Ill go get your father, see what he sais". And so she got the towel. I got in trouble for getting upset, and telling her father - called me a "snitch" to her father, then it became, "your picking your girlfriend over your daughter". Then it became "your a crazy b!tch".
So yeah - chores. I don't ask for those right now, its the holiday season and I want things to be pleasant and happy. I have seen her wash her dishes, and she has been better about doing things as asked. So hopefully the rough "teen patch" is behind us, I now have learned how to walk on eggshells and disengage.
My audacity to expect SD12
My audacity to expect SD12 to do chores and actually FOLLOW THROUGH with them lead to the demise of our blended family. They are moving out next week.
Im feeling that way right
Im feeling that way right now. Wondering if I can really grit my teeth that much, if its worth gritting my teeth through it all, if that is a real deal-breaker. Im thinking of giving it 6 months. How long did you give it surfchica? I am so resentful, as I bustle through the house cleaning and organizing, and SD17.5 lounges on the couch watching. And getting into argument over the expectations of contributions... how much is too much? How long did you stick with it?