Child support and extras

Forums:

This may be a bit of a rant but I would like some feedback (please don't be rude) on the situation. I'll try and give as much info as I can.

My self and my partner have two children each. Mine are 19 (finished high school, working, and moved into her own apartment) and 16 living in a boarding home (his choice and a whole other issue). I am legally required to pay nothing for my children as one is adult and not in school and the other has declared emancipation from me. His are 19 (finished high school, failed out of university that we paid half for, working but living with the ex wife) and a 14 year old, which we pay the required child support plus provide a gym membership for both. All the children are under our respective health insurances. We provide rides and go to concerts/activities. We take part in all fundraising activities that arise due to activities the youngest is in.

My self and my partner both work two jobs plus I board dogs on the side. We have a joint account and put all our money in the same "pot". We purchased a house and renovated (valued at 200,000)it to have a place for the children to stay when they wanted to come with us as neither of us owned a home due our divorces. I came relatively debt free..but no assets. He came with a considerable loan he took over so his ex wife could keep their home when they split up. Once the house was completed we did a consolidation loan to pay off what we went over budget on the house and his loan from his previous marriage. For the next five years our money is pretty tied up.

Together, him and I working two jobs, make the same annual salary as his ex wife. BM has a 300,000 home (from their marriage) and has a car. BM has their two girls living with her and had full custody (agreed upon when they split up) and does not consult or ask when making any decisions on activities or "life decisions".

We are planning a wedding in February with a vacation after. My wedding is very budget oriented..examples.. I paid 200 for my wedding dress and we are having take-out pizza to save money. We own one car between us. Our hobbies are playing darts, costing roughly 50$ per week. We shop at discount stores for the most part and always buy from the sales flyers.

I have a couple of issues here I'd like to have opinions on...

1. BM expects money toward her 19 yr old. For example she had to have wisdom teeth out..the insurance didn't cover it all so she thinks he should pay half. I told my partner that I didn't think that we should be expected to pay for any expenses for either of the oldest kids as they are working and should be independent. My 19 year old daughter is paying for her dentist bills. So far the issue hasn't been pushed and we haven't paid anything. My Partner doesn't say anything to his ex wife regarding issues like this and lets it slide under the rug so to speak. There are numerous more examples..this is just one.

2. Several decisions regarding their kids that the ex has made results in extra finances. One is a trip to Florida next April with the school band. Don't get me wrong..it's a wonderful opportunity but it's not compulsory. Our budget doesn't encompass 1000 + needed. I know if I speak up the first thing that will be brought up is that we are getting married and going on vacation...but I work two jobs as well. Am I so wrong in feeling resentful of having to forfeit my plans that I work for too? Also their youngest now wants braces. It is totally cosmetic..and actually I never even noticed anything wrong with her teeth to be honest. So much of it will go though the insurance but not all. Is it too much to say wait until 5 years so we can be in a better financial situation?

Any advice on how I can stand up for our own financial situation without sounding like the horrible new woman who is trying to neglect the step kids? Because I'm not. I just want us to have a life too.

You simply say no. If you are

You simply say no. If you are not court ordered to pay child support or extras for the 19 year old, then don't. If 19 needs something then she gets a job. I mean she is pretty lucky to be living rent free with her mom, she can def get a job and pay for her life. If 14 year old wants something extra and you don't have the cash then you say no.

I put my kids needs before my own. My kids wants are just that, wants.

Ur future dh will have a wife

Ur future dh will have a wife and obligations to HER now. Nothing extra above child support and nothing towards 19 year old. If your future dh balks at this don't marry him. By marrying you he's promising to care for you above all others. Not saying he should shirk his responsibilities but if it's a choice between his wife going in vacation or his kids having extras wife needs to win hands down

The ex wife would bring it

The ex wife would bring it up. After writing it down in this post it makes more sense to me. DH has to step up to the plate and tell the BM that if she decides on extras that don't fit our budget then she can pay. I think that it's a control thing with me. I don't mind when asked to help or we even offer. I just don't like to be forced into something because BM decides on her own and then expects DH to pay half. I am aware that DH has a financial responsibility to his children and I totally support that (obviously my money goes in the account too!) and he wants to give his kids what he can but I work two jobs too..does that sound selfish?

1. It is none of the XW's

1. It is none of the XW's business what you two are or aren't doing with YOUR money outside the court ordered obligations. If he discusses your finances with XW, I think he has a problem with proper boundaries. I would check that out before getting further entangled.

2. My parents never divorced and I went on a trip every year with our church youth group. I worked every single fundraiser they had and mostly traveled free. I did this because the trip was important to me but I didn't want to burden my parents financially.

3. I think you two need to have a very frank and serious discussion or 10 about money ESPECIALLY if you are putting it all into the same account!

The only example you gave

The only example you gave that may require assistance would the 14yr olds braces... if the treatment is medically necessary. May also consider it if the current look of teeth really are face/smile marring.

The Florida trip would be under consideration if conditions were met. In my 'book' BM already blew the conditions when she felt she didn't have to consult and agree. No thrills wedding and vacation are none of BM's business and does not factor in. No money from her pocket is involved for those two events so she can keep her opinions of the matter to herself. Had the subject of Florida been approached appropriately, I would have perhaps found a way to give a reasonable budget friendly set sum and helped SD find a way to earn additional finances.

If DF starts with guilty DD syndrome or otherwise raiding the joint accounts in any way, separate finances immediately.

There are a couple of things

There are a couple of things going on here. I'm not sure how much this "considerable loan" was so that bm could stay in the house, but it should probably be factored into any decisions made.

That said, I don't agree that a 19 year old should be expected to all of a sudden be able to afford everything she needs such as wisdom teeth surgery. Had she needed them out two years ago, it wouldn't be a question. I think each parent should pay 1/3 and the kid should pay 1/3. If the parents aren't financially stable enough to do this, then they shouldn't expect the kid to be either. And yes, she's still a kid. Not all kids become adults at 18 or even 19, despite what the "legal" age is or when child support orders end.

The overlying issue here is that your fiance seems to have a different opinion on what he is responsible for when it comes to his kids, yet he has dragged your money into the consideration. You jumped the gun on getting a loan together, paying for his child's college, etc. and now realizing where it is getting you. And now that you want to say no or have some sort of control over it, I can see that it's going to cause issues. All you can do is compromise at this point, and maybe open up a second account where you save up money for the things that are important to you.

In regards to the other "extras," if bm is making that much money, she should pay for it. I'm a bm and my ex makes 3-4x what I make, and I do ask him to help pay for their very expensive classes and lessons. If I made enough money, no way would I ever do that. But it's not fair to kids who have a parent w/ money to say, "Oh, I can't afford that!" when they know and I know that the other parent has the money. At some point, you have to be an advocate for your kid despite what a court order says. Your fiance might point out to her that he has already taken on the loan for their benefit, and as a trade off she should handle all such expenses when it comes to the 14 year old.

You're entitled to your

You're entitled to your opinion, and me, mine. I didn't marry someone with good earning potential so that the kids we had together can go without. And just because we divorced doesn't mean they should have to go without.

*He* showed my son his paycheck and my son multiplied it out himself. *He* told my kids that his gf's house is paid off, so he now also has no rent to pay. *He* told me, when I told my son that I could no longer afford his drum lessons, "Don't you EVER do something that will affect his future like that..." So yeah, if he wants his son to continue with the expensive drum lessons for "his future" then he is going to pay.

If *he* is going to act like big money and then tell them he can't afford something, that's on him, not me.

Spoken like a true

Spoken like a true stepmom.

You choose to have a man live with you that probably helps pay household bills. I choose to live alone and hold my kids' father responsible for their needs and the things they choose to do, especially when he's an ass about it. It's the least he can do considering he barely sees them, never drives them anywhere they need to go, and leaves all the work to me.

It's so funny how people on here bitch about how BMs don't spend the CS on the kids, but when they do and the kids are into activities that might require a little more help, they bitch about that, too.