So this is only my second post here. Sorry that it is rather long and all over the place.
Last time I posted was in June, after my DH had told SD15 (16 now) that if she was going to treat our home like a hotel and basically just sleep here or hang on the computer and not engage in family stuff, then the every other weekend thing was going to stop.
She packed her things and stomped off in a fury. For almost three months she didn't answer when he called her and didn't reply to his text messages, finally after her grandmother (my husbands mom) talked to her she came around and answered his phone call and agreed to meet him for burgers. They met and talked and everything seemed to be ok, he asked if this wouldn't just be good from now on, meeting for dinner or coming over for dinner and doing family stuff and not sleep over. she was fine with that.
In the mean time, in the beginning of August my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, at first the doctors thought it might be operable and he has been undergoing a very extreme chemotherapy which has been hell not just on him but on our entire family. The grandma told SD16 about this so she has known since August (but hasn't called him once I might add and he has been her grandpa since she was 3 years old).
In September our town has an annual town celebration where all the people from each street get together at one of the houses and BBQ, then there is a concert at the town hall which goes on until about 23:00. DH called SD16 and invited her to come, although he iterated that she was just supposed to come and spend time with us, have a BBQ play with her siblings and go the the concert but she was not going to go out partying. The day before BM sent my DH a text saying she would not be coming.
Since then she again did not answer any of his texts or phone calls and hung up if he was trying to call her.
When she was talking to her grandmother in August (my DH mom) she asked if we would be spending Christmas at their house (we alternate between his and my parents) grandma said yes and then SD16 asked if she could also be there for Christmas, which was no problem.
But now my dad has gotten sicker and the likelihood of surgery is getting lesser and lesser so I am looking at possibly the last Christmas with my dad (he is only 60 years old). So I asked DH if we could spend Christmas there instead and he said of course.
At that point SD16 had not talked to DH since September, he called BM two weeks ago to ask if she was angry and ignoring him and also told her how ill my father was getting, that we were going to spend Christmas there and if she wanted to see or hear from him she should really get around to it. The info from BM was that yes SD16 is angry at him and doesn't want to reply to his calls and she had no idea she was thinking about spending Christmas with his parents.
Yesterday was her birthday, and lo and behold she answered when her dad called her. She came over and told him that no she had not been angry at him, she just didn't really have anything to say so she didn't answer her phone or call him back. He went out and bought her a Birthday present for 150$ When driving her to her grandma's plays where she was staying for the night she told him that the only place she wanted to be for Christmas was at my parent's place with us and he told her that he was sure that would be ok!!
He then came home and told me about this new plan. She was with us at their place last Christmas and she was also with us the year before that at his parents house (she is supposed to alternate between us and BM).
This is the first time that I have felt physically sick and wanted to throw up by something that I was told. Of the things that I want least in the world right now her being with us for what is probably my last Christmas with my dad is very high on the list. I just froze and then managed to stammer out that just two weeks ago he said that no way was she going to spend Christmas with us she could be with her mom as she was supposed to. And then I managed to ask why, after not having had any real contact with us for 6 months and having known for 3 of those about how ill my father is, she was suddenly now coming back and showing interest in spending the holidays with us. He just said that he didn't know and that I didn't have to explain anything.
But now he is giving me the silent treatment. I know he feels horrible after having struggled with having contact with her for such a long time now. But common its my dad and I just don't want her there ruining Christmas for us. Since June I have felt as if I'm free and now its like I was punched in the stomach, all the wind is out of me and only thing I can feel is this sorrow and almost betrayal.
Well, it's obvious why she answered the phone on her birthday and why she wants to spend Christmas with you guys, so....
I guess there is a chance she just wants to be there with your dad, if he has been her grandpa since she was three.
It's a month away, she's a teenager, a lot can happen between now and then. I would tell your DH that her going depends on her attitude between now and Christmas.
The problem has really been going on for quite some time. My DH has always had to work a lot so most of the time it would just be me at home with SD.
BM did not approve of our relationship to begin with and for the first few years she did everything she could to make things hard for us. This effected my relationship with SD who is also by nature a cold and dry person (even her grandmother DH mom has mentioned this to me) She is hard to get to know and our "relationship" is mostly based on silence.
When she was here, she would move loudly around the house, eating everything in sight and try her best to be mean to her her siblings. Our son has an anxiety disorder and is very vulnerable. She would love to tease him to no end (he is 9) and it got to the stage where he would be dreading her staying here. Then she would just lay about in he room spending endless time on the computer and go and see her friends. So over these weekends she would almost never see her dad since he was working and when he was at home she would be gone to see her friends. So all in all these weekends were just a hassle for the rest of the family.
If she really wanted to be at our house for Christmas to see my dad, why hasn't she bothered to call him? she has known for over three months how ill he is and DH called her home to let her know that she should contact him if she cares. But no, no phone call and she has my mom on fb so she could just send her a message there or write something nice on her wall.
She was invited over here for her brothers birthday so she could meet family but was on the outs with her DH at that time so she didn't show up.
My feelings towards her have gotten so bad that I booked a time with a psychologist who told me that my feelings are all natural and that I am doing nothing wrong. But this still causes me so much worry that its becoming physical. I get severe stomach pains when these things come up and can't eat. At the same time I am so codependent that I am well aware of DH feelings since she is his DD even though she is horrible and manipulative.
after my DH had told SD15 (16 now) that if she was going to treat our home like a hotel and basically just sleep here or hang on the computer and not engage in family stuff, then the every other weekend thing was going to stop.
+++++++++++++
First you posted this.
THEN below
So over these weekends she would almost never see her dad since he was working and when he was at home she would be gone to see her friends. So all in all these weekends were just a hassle for the rest of the family.
+++++++++++++++++++
First off...sorry for your dad.
I hope your DH realizes he basically kicked his kid out for acting like a teenager. No wonder she is a shit to him. He deserves it IMHO. It sounds like you both really did not want her there anymore and made it the excuse of her being a teen Weird to me.
Of course she is angry at him. She just does not want to get into it with him. IMHO...your DH does not make a very good dad. Maybe he needs a parenting class.
Now on to your problem. Skid going to your dads. Ugh...I would NOT like that either. But I really don't think SD will go to your dads, I think she just says what she thinks your DH wants to hear at the time.
I would go my myself before I would take skid AND DH to see my dad for potentially his last Christmas.
She's a brat that seems to only remember she has a dad when she believes something's in it for her aka gifts.
Go to your parent's home for the holiday along with your son. Right there needs to be your priority and sole focus this year. No, SD is not invited. She can go to her grandmother or stay with BM. Husband can go to your parents or his or split the time between homes. The only way I'd change my mind is if SD knocked herself out with genuine concern and regret. Your father deserves to be surrounded by his family and people who love and appreciate him... not a fake insincere gift grabber.
Quit worrying about what is "right" as far as your SD. Your Dad is dying and this is probably your last Christmas with him - spend it with him in peace. Do what is right for you and your Dad.
Plans change all the time. In this case they have changed and SD will not be spending Christmas at your parent's house. If she wants to see him arrange a short visit in the days leading up to Christmas.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your dad. My father died of pancreatic cancer in 2007. It is a terrible and swift killer. I wish you strength and peace in this very difficult time.
I would just let this all go. It sounds like your DH has blinders on and wants only to see his daughter as wonderful. I guess all parents do. I hope he at least keeps SD off your back during Christmas.
Personally, I'd suggest telling DH that if he needs to be with SD this year, then he needs to be with her at HIS parents' house. Because you need to be there for your dad, and you don't have time to deal with her teenage drama or his Disney Dad behaviour. It just doesn't belong in the same room as your family coming together for the last Christmas with your dad.
I would much rather be with my family and be fully present, than to have DH and SD and their shenanigans going on in the background.
I agree with the other posters that it sounds like the most sensible solution is you and BS go visit your family. DH and SD visit his family this year. Your Dad doesn't likely really care to see SD.
That said- since you say your SD has a cold and distant personality- is it POSSIBLE that at 16, she simply doesn't have the social skills to know she should call her grandfather? Even if she knows she *should*, is she mature enough to be able to? I know grown ass adults who melt down in the face of serious illness because they don't know what to say or do, so they do nothing.
Not defending her- just wondering if you have considered that as a possibility.
Sounds like SD16 is just a POS. I personally do not hold to the theory that all teens are assholes and one must accept that.
Remove her from YOUR life. And I am so sorry about your father. My husband's father had pancreatic cancer. I worry about my DH getting this also as it often is genetic.
All teens aren't assholes, but that's usually because they were taught better. Apparently, this girl has been taught by the same father who, as someone already pointed out, kicked her out for acting like a...TEEN. She isn't a POS. She is a victim of poor parenting and being a disposable member of the family.
Christmas doesn't have to be celebrated all on the 25th. Have Christmas with DH/family on one day, and be with your dad on another day. Or have two days with your dad, one with everyone else gone. It's not that complicated. If SD is there and ruins one day, you still have the other. But keep in mind that you are expecting your SD to handle things better than her own father is handling things, and this is unfair to expect of a 16 year old.
So this is only my second
So this is only my second post here. Sorry that it is rather long and all over the place.
Last time I posted was in June, after my DH had told SD15 (16 now) that if she was going to treat our home like a hotel and basically just sleep here or hang on the computer and not engage in family stuff, then the every other weekend thing was going to stop.
She packed her things and stomped off in a fury. For almost three months she didn't answer when he called her and didn't reply to his text messages, finally after her grandmother (my husbands mom) talked to her she came around and answered his phone call and agreed to meet him for burgers. They met and talked and everything seemed to be ok, he asked if this wouldn't just be good from now on, meeting for dinner or coming over for dinner and doing family stuff and not sleep over. she was fine with that.
In the mean time, in the beginning of August my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, at first the doctors thought it might be operable and he has been undergoing a very extreme chemotherapy which has been hell not just on him but on our entire family. The grandma told SD16 about this so she has known since August (but hasn't called him once I might add and he has been her grandpa since she was 3 years old).
In September our town has an annual town celebration where all the people from each street get together at one of the houses and BBQ, then there is a concert at the town hall which goes on until about 23:00. DH called SD16 and invited her to come, although he iterated that she was just supposed to come and spend time with us, have a BBQ play with her siblings and go the the concert but she was not going to go out partying. The day before BM sent my DH a text saying she would not be coming.
Since then she again did not answer any of his texts or phone calls and hung up if he was trying to call her.
When she was talking to her grandmother in August (my DH mom) she asked if we would be spending Christmas at their house (we alternate between his and my parents) grandma said yes and then SD16 asked if she could also be there for Christmas, which was no problem.
But now my dad has gotten sicker and the likelihood of surgery is getting lesser and lesser so I am looking at possibly the last Christmas with my dad (he is only 60 years old). So I asked DH if we could spend Christmas there instead and he said of course.
At that point SD16 had not talked to DH since September, he called BM two weeks ago to ask if she was angry and ignoring him and also told her how ill my father was getting, that we were going to spend Christmas there and if she wanted to see or hear from him she should really get around to it. The info from BM was that yes SD16 is angry at him and doesn't want to reply to his calls and she had no idea she was thinking about spending Christmas with his parents.
Yesterday was her birthday, and lo and behold she answered when her dad called her. She came over and told him that no she had not been angry at him, she just didn't really have anything to say so she didn't answer her phone or call him back. He went out and bought her a Birthday present for 150$ When driving her to her grandma's plays where she was staying for the night she told him that the only place she wanted to be for Christmas was at my parent's place with us and he told her that he was sure that would be ok!!
He then came home and told me about this new plan. She was with us at their place last Christmas and she was also with us the year before that at his parents house (she is supposed to alternate between us and BM).
This is the first time that I have felt physically sick and wanted to throw up by something that I was told. Of the things that I want least in the world right now her being with us for what is probably my last Christmas with my dad is very high on the list. I just froze and then managed to stammer out that just two weeks ago he said that no way was she going to spend Christmas with us she could be with her mom as she was supposed to. And then I managed to ask why, after not having had any real contact with us for 6 months and having known for 3 of those about how ill my father is, she was suddenly now coming back and showing interest in spending the holidays with us. He just said that he didn't know and that I didn't have to explain anything.
But now he is giving me the silent treatment. I know he feels horrible after having struggled with having contact with her for such a long time now. But common its my dad and I just don't want her there ruining Christmas for us. Since June I have felt as if I'm free and now its like I was punched in the stomach, all the wind is out of me and only thing I can feel is this sorrow and almost betrayal.
What should I do?
Well, it's obvious why she
Well, it's obvious why she answered the phone on her birthday and why she wants to spend Christmas with you guys, so....
I guess there is a chance she just wants to be there with your dad, if he has been her grandpa since she was three.
It's a month away, she's a teenager, a lot can happen between now and then. I would tell your DH that her going depends on her attitude between now and Christmas.
The problem has really been
The problem has really been going on for quite some time. My DH has always had to work a lot so most of the time it would just be me at home with SD.
BM did not approve of our relationship to begin with and for the first few years she did everything she could to make things hard for us. This effected my relationship with SD who is also by nature a cold and dry person (even her grandmother DH mom has mentioned this to me) She is hard to get to know and our "relationship" is mostly based on silence.
When she was here, she would move loudly around the house, eating everything in sight and try her best to be mean to her her siblings. Our son has an anxiety disorder and is very vulnerable. She would love to tease him to no end (he is 9) and it got to the stage where he would be dreading her staying here. Then she would just lay about in he room spending endless time on the computer and go and see her friends. So over these weekends she would almost never see her dad since he was working and when he was at home she would be gone to see her friends. So all in all these weekends were just a hassle for the rest of the family.
If she really wanted to be at our house for Christmas to see my dad, why hasn't she bothered to call him? she has known for over three months how ill he is and DH called her home to let her know that she should contact him if she cares. But no, no phone call and she has my mom on fb so she could just send her a message there or write something nice on her wall.
She was invited over here for her brothers birthday so she could meet family but was on the outs with her DH at that time so she didn't show up.
My feelings towards her have gotten so bad that I booked a time with a psychologist who told me that my feelings are all natural and that I am doing nothing wrong. But this still causes me so much worry that its becoming physical. I get severe stomach pains when these things come up and can't eat. At the same time I am so codependent that I am well aware of DH feelings since she is his DD even though she is horrible and manipulative.
posted twice
posted twice
after my DH had told SD15 (16
after my DH had told SD15 (16 now) that if she was going to treat our home like a hotel and basically just sleep here or hang on the computer and not engage in family stuff, then the every other weekend thing was going to stop.
+++++++++++++
First you posted this.
THEN below
So over these weekends she would almost never see her dad since he was working and when he was at home she would be gone to see her friends. So all in all these weekends were just a hassle for the rest of the family.
+++++++++++++++++++
First off...sorry for your dad.
I hope your DH realizes he basically kicked his kid out for acting like a teenager. No wonder she is a shit to him. He deserves it IMHO. It sounds like you both really did not want her there anymore and made it the excuse of her being a teen Weird to me.
Of course she is angry at him. She just does not want to get into it with him. IMHO...your DH does not make a very good dad. Maybe he needs a parenting class.
Now on to your problem. Skid going to your dads. Ugh...I would NOT like that either. But I really don't think SD will go to your dads, I think she just says what she thinks your DH wants to hear at the time.
I would go my myself before I would take skid AND DH to see my dad for potentially his last Christmas.
She's a brat that seems to
She's a brat that seems to only remember she has a dad when she believes something's in it for her aka gifts.
Go to your parent's home for the holiday along with your son. Right there needs to be your priority and sole focus this year. No, SD is not invited. She can go to her grandmother or stay with BM. Husband can go to your parents or his or split the time between homes. The only way I'd change my mind is if SD knocked herself out with genuine concern and regret. Your father deserves to be surrounded by his family and people who love and appreciate him... not a fake insincere gift grabber.
^^This^^ Quit worrying about
^^This^^
Quit worrying about what is "right" as far as your SD. Your Dad is dying and this is probably your last Christmas with him - spend it with him in peace. Do what is right for you and your Dad.
Plans change all the time. In this case they have changed and SD will not be spending Christmas at your parent's house. If she wants to see him arrange a short visit in the days leading up to Christmas.
I'm so sorry for what you're
I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your dad. My father died of pancreatic cancer in 2007. It is a terrible and swift killer. I wish you strength and peace in this very difficult time.
I would just let this all go. It sounds like your DH has blinders on and wants only to see his daughter as wonderful. I guess all parents do. I hope he at least keeps SD off your back during Christmas.
Personally, I'd suggest telling DH that if he needs to be with SD this year, then he needs to be with her at HIS parents' house. Because you need to be there for your dad, and you don't have time to deal with her teenage drama or his Disney Dad behaviour. It just doesn't belong in the same room as your family coming together for the last Christmas with your dad.
I would much rather be with my family and be fully present, than to have DH and SD and their shenanigans going on in the background.
I agree with the other
I agree with the other posters that it sounds like the most sensible solution is you and BS go visit your family. DH and SD visit his family this year. Your Dad doesn't likely really care to see SD.
That said- since you say your SD has a cold and distant personality- is it POSSIBLE that at 16, she simply doesn't have the social skills to know she should call her grandfather? Even if she knows she *should*, is she mature enough to be able to? I know grown ass adults who melt down in the face of serious illness because they don't know what to say or do, so they do nothing.
Not defending her- just wondering if you have considered that as a possibility.
Sounds like SD16 is just a
Sounds like SD16 is just a POS. I personally do not hold to the theory that all teens are assholes and one must accept that.
Remove her from YOUR life. And I am so sorry about your father. My husband's father had pancreatic cancer. I worry about my DH getting this also as it often is genetic.
All teens aren't assholes,
All teens aren't assholes, but that's usually because they were taught better. Apparently, this girl has been taught by the same father who, as someone already pointed out, kicked her out for acting like a...TEEN. She isn't a POS. She is a victim of poor parenting and being a disposable member of the family.
Christmas doesn't have to be
Christmas doesn't have to be celebrated all on the 25th. Have Christmas with DH/family on one day, and be with your dad on another day. Or have two days with your dad, one with everyone else gone. It's not that complicated. If SD is there and ruins one day, you still have the other. But keep in mind that you are expecting your SD to handle things better than her own father is handling things, and this is unfair to expect of a 16 year old.