I definitely understand and appreciate your advice. Ending the relationship and even not getting married is not an option. I could never walk away from this, even with all the drama involved. I've already been thrown into some of the drama, which is nothing to me because I've dated guys who had kids before. This is a completely new feeling to me and it's starting to bother me that I feel like this. I will be definitely taking a look around at the forums and such. Thanks again for the advice.

First I'd like to say thank you for not jumping right into a "get out while you can" speech. I'm very surprised to see the amount of negativity here on what is supposed to be support forums, as well as the amount of people who are quick to judge and say get out now. What kind of woman would I be to leave someone because he has two kids?? What is the tables were turned and I was the one with two kids?? I wouldn't want him to leave me because of that.

Second, I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from. It is a lot to take in finding out about a second child, not just for me but for him as well. He is trying to make up for lost time, but it's especially difficult because she's afraid of men. That in itself is a big problem and the family is trying to figure out why. That's another subject I won't really go into here, but he's doing everything he can to get her used to him so she doesn't automatically go to me or his mom when she cries or is scared. Discussion is the best option I see and do plan on having one with him when I get home tonight. Thanks again for your advice.

First, I'd like to say I like how you assume I'm not living with him. And you seem to point out everything negative that could be possible in my situation. Yes, I am fully aware of baby mama drama having dealt with it before. I also know more of his attention and energy will go to them rather than me. But more of MY attention and energy goes to them rather than him as well. He isn't the only one being a parent and I actually enjoy the opportunity to be a parent before I have my own. I didn't come to get a lecture on whether I should leave or stay. I came to figure out what to do about the jealousy. And despite your very biased post, you do have some good points on the jealousy which I will take into consideration and discuss with him tonight when I get home.

You might want to think about other people's situations and not just your own before giving someone advice. Some need the wake up call post you just tried to give me, but others don't and I'm one of them. It's very obvious you've had a bad experience with this but you should t put all of that anger and negativity into a post when giving someone advice.

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate that you gave it without negativity and attitude. Unfortunately I have already come across those I intend to ignore and will be doing so. Again, thank you.

I did not come here with the sole purpose of arguing. I came here hoping to find some sound advice, which I have gotten, without being told to leave him. So let me address your points the way you did mine.

1. I didn't say I lived with him, nor did I say I wasn't living with him. So yes, you made an assumption that I was not living with him without clarifying. The word "dating" does not mean that people aren't already living together. I've also not told anyone they don't know what they're talking about.

2. You don't have to say anything about your situation, your poor attitude from the beginning says it all.

3. I never said I wasn't going to educate myself or my BF and I never said I wasn't going to read the boards. In fact, I did say I WOULD read the boards. Also, having two children without being married isn't leaving babies in his wake. He made a mistake, like everyone does, and his name shouldn't be thrown in the mud because of that.

4. I am not ashamed of anything. I do have a good sensible man who, unlike 95% of men, is taking care of his children and being in their lives. I would appreciate it if you and your negative attitude would keep off of my posts from now on. Thank you.

You are right, dating and living together are entirely different with their own meanings. Two people can live together without dating and two people can be dating and either living together or not living together. I didn't misrepresent the relationship. I did say we're engaged. I didn't comment on our living situation because it's not really relevant to the conversation. Whether we're living together or not doesn't change the situation, but in this case we ARE living together and it hasn't changed the situation.

And actually no, just because he's had two children doesn't mean he's leaving babies in his wake. His son he's taken care of since day one and was with his mother for about 6 years before and after he was born. The little girl was a surprise to everyone and we're all dealing with it.

And while it might not be 95%, there are a lot of men who DO leave babies in their wake and don't bother to care for them. I do know some deadbeats but my BF isn't one of them.

The bottom line is the issues I'm having aren't ones to leave him for. Him having two kids by two different mothers isn't a reason to leave him. I knew he has one when I met him. I knew I was getting into a lot and I was looking for advice on how to handle it, not advice on whether I should leave him or not because I'm not going to. I'm a very strong woman and I've dealt with my share of crap in my life. I can handle this, but every now and then a strong woman needs advice from others who have been through it.

Also, if your DH doesn't have children with women he's not in a relationship with and you don't have step kids, why are you even commenting or here??

Thank you for the advice. I am as nice as possible to both BMs. I don't get involved when there is an issue unless its necessary. His son's BM isn't a big deal. Custody and visitation is already established and there's no arguing over who gets him when and who has to pick him up or anything like that. His daughter's BM is not the same. She lets her mother call the shots and that leads to arguments between my BF and the BM. She puts her mother before my BF and when it comes to the child, that shouldn't be done. Just as my BF's mother sees her grandchild during his time with her, the BM's mother should see her grandchild when it is the BM's time with her. Custody and visitation isn't divided between mother, father and grandparents (unless the situation warrants it), but between the mother and father. I've not heard of either of the BM's hating me or encouraging their children to hate me. I feel for you in that respect. The girl's BM calls me "stepmommy Amber." I honestly believe it is more her mother causing issues than anything else. Especially when she's telling the BM that the child's father's and his family are trying to take the child away from her BM! No one has every said anything like that and unless the situation warranted it (abuse, neglect, etc), we would never take a child away from her BM.

I believe once a custody and visitation order is in place that things will be much smoother, as least with the BM and who sees her when, etc. I also believe this is the part that has me feeling like I do. I wasn't around for this part with his son and everything was already established. Living through this brings the situation home, big time.

And yes, we both love our no kid weekends! And we make sure we take time on those weekends to have us time, whether it is staying home and enjoying the peace with a good movie and popcorn or going out with friends. And if there's something we have to discuss that might get a little heated, we wait until the children have gone back to their BMs or are asleep. We rarely argue anyway, but when we do it's never in front of them.

I do have worries about when I become pregnant (which someone did previously mention) about all the firsts I will have. I don't want him to not be as excited because he's done this before and that's something we'll talk about. Thank you!

I say its not an option not to marry him because I'm not going to walk away just because he has two kids. What are red flags to some people might not be to anyone else. We talked about getting married before he even asked. We both knew it was something we wanted. We also talked about it after we found out about her and before he actually asked. I do know I have plenty of time to back out or to decide I don't want to marry him, but that's not what I want and I'm not going to turn tail and run just because times get tough. Yes, we have discussed parenting styles and house rules, did so before even talking about getting married.

You have some great advice. My FDH, I and even his parents already view both of us as full equity parents to both children. We both call them ours and have been. We did sit down and have a discussion last night about all of this and we're working on things. Whenever we have them we do things as a family. No one is left out, adult or child.

The one thing I have to disagree with you about is the jealousy. It is absolutely not a choice. Would anyone actually choose to be jealous of a 2yo? If I could turn it off, I would. It isn't that easy and it's something I'm working on. I keep it in check, I don't treat her any differently because of it. I love them both the same as I would my own children. I've decided to talk to someone professionally to see I there's something I can do to get rid of it as it's not something I want to deal with for the rest of my life.

Thanks again!