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Becoming a SGM when my own DD becomes SM.

Wifeypoo's picture

This is my first post. I wanted it to be shorter but there is just so much to explain.

This isn't about my actual now adult SD and the SGK's. We do not see them often enough to have a ton of conflict. There IS some, but I'll address that at another time.

The child I'm referring to is my DD24 future step daughter. Her fiancé has a 7 year old daughter. He has 50/50 custody, was never married to BM, met in high school. They got pregnant when they were both 19, breaking up before she realized she was pregnant. The child has never seen them together as a couple.

I see this child about once a week, and I've grown to care for her wellbeing as does my DD and DH. My husband especially is fond of her because she really likes him and treats him well.

I've come to realize the BM isn't the typical mother who puts her child's needs as a high priority. I don't even know if she knows how to do that, it doesn't seem to come natural. The word narcissist comes to mind . When I say "needs" some examples are weather appropriate clothing, nutritional food, a comfortable place to sleep....most of all she is NOT selective about the company she keeps around her daughter. She even lost custody of her for a time because of her poor choices.

I found this forum because I was shocked at some of what went on and wondered if other people had the same problems. I was surprised and actually in awe to see it was so common. While my own husband's ex and I were never friends, at least we knew she was a good mother, and would take care of their daughter.

Not the case with this situation. I learned disengaging from Steptalk and I've explained it to my daughter. I've even tried to discourage her from becoming a stepparent. While she does listen and take into consideration what I've told her, she hasn't been able or willing to walk away. She's an adult and has to make her own decisions....not much I can do at this point. We are very close and what bothers her tends to bother me. As a mom I'm still learning how to let go.

We had a freak snowstorm yesterday. Last night my daughter and I were talking about the little girl and hoping that she was warm enough. Wondering this morning whether she was sent to school with a warm coat because she's on her mothers time. That's the point I'm trying to get to. It's things like this that haunt me with this child. It's hard for me to be involved with a child that I know gets neglected, yet stand by and do nothing. ( I was that child once ) This also bothers my daughter deeply, which in turn bothers me because we are so close.

I raised my kids by example to care about other people. My husband is a extremely generous person and yes, we've been taking advantage of at times . What I didn't teach her very well was how to let go of what you can't change and walk away from hopeless situations. I never knew how to do it myself..... I've learned so much from Steptalk. I wish I had learned a lot of this earlier. I think I would've been a much better role model as far as teaching my girls boundaries and how to have them. Also I would've liked to have had better boundaries myself with the people in my life. I'm glad it's not too late to teach an old dog new tricks so I'm learning! Thank you all who post on step talk. I learn so much especially from the tough love that is often given here. Sometimes I cringe at how things are said because I'm a bit of a softy.....but I know the truth can be hard to hear, but so necessary .

Now if this was my own skid or even SGK, I could jump in and get involved more. However I want nothing to do with this birth mom. Her actions already disrupt my family A LOT because of how she affects my daughter. In the beginning I thought everyone could work together, but now I see that is not going to happen. I'm the type of person who can get along with mostly everyone, but I cannot involve myself with this child's mother. I babysat a few times in the beginning but now have a rule that my husband nor I can be alone with this child. I simply do not trust her mother.

The little girl will tell me things that break my heart yet I can do nothing but listen. It also breaks my heart to see my daughter upset about these things and helpless to do anything. That's not how she was raised, that's not how my family operates. We take care of our own. I do like her fiancé but I'm not crazy about the way his daughter is forced to live with all of the back-and-forth and instability . Such is the life of 50-50 custody. He's one of these guys that want to avoid conflict with the birth mom at all cost. We all know that does not work well for the new woman in the picture . I guess he is learning...but has a long way to go.

After everything I've read on here I've got a glimpse of what the future's going to be like for my daughter, if she marries this guy.... And for us actually because we're close family. Every holiday, every vacation, every decision, chaotic. She's no dummy but is very attached to this man and worries about her future step daughter. I know she'd be married to him already if it wasn't for this whole situation. She's a wonderful person (not just because she's my daughter) and I know the stress is horrible for her. This BM thrives on conflict and is a horse of a different color. The type of person my DD (and any sane person) would run from, NEVER choosing to have anything to do with. The conflict of what to do bothers her so much.... Yet she'll need to decide.

I guess I need advice on how to have this child in my life yet not be so affected by what I cannot change.

( thank you for reading and I apologize if it was difficult to read. I've tried to edit and such but not having much luck on my phone . )

Wifeypoo's picture

I meant to say I learned ABOUT disengagement on Steptalk. Not that I'm doing it yet.

I also wanted to clarify that the father takes care of her needs while she is on his time. He does a good job, while also getting some help from his mom and my DD when necessary. It when she's with her mom that is troublesome. I have a difficult time understanding how a parent can keep their sanity when half of their child's life is out of their hands. He seems to do okay with it....almost like once he hands her over he's leaving it up to fate. Maybe it bothers him a lot more than he lets on. I know I'm judging him. If he's going to marry my DD, I want to know he's willing to go the extra mile for her and any future children they might have.
My kids father and I are still together. I've never had to send my children off to spend time somewhere else and try to co-parent with someone I don't get along with anymore. Maybe I just don't what it's really like and how powerless you are to do anything. I hope this makes sense, I'm struggling trying to articulate what I am trying to say.

Last In Line's picture

You do what you can do with the time you have with this child. That's it. The kid has enough people in her life pulling her different directions. Listen to her, feed her properly when you are with her, and pray (if you do that) for her when she isn't around.

Wifeypoo's picture

Thank you for replying and yes, that all I can do. It's definitely out of my control....not my child or even grandchild. This is a really nice kid too. She actually wants to spend time with us and I'm more comfortable around her than my DH's grandkids who I've known since birth. Go figure.

Pixiegardener's picture

Sounds so very difficult - you grow to love a kid, and you really have no say in her life. But, just being there for her when you can, not bad-mouthing her mom, being a listening ear and comfort, is actually a LOT. You never, never know, sometimes for years, and sometimes just never - what a difference that might make. And stressing about what happens when she isn't there isn't going to help anyone, not even her.

Wifeypoo's picture

Thank you pixiegardener. Truthfully I wish my DD would walk away, and find a man without all this drama but it's not my life and she's made her choice. DD and her BF brought her over the day and she wandered into the kitchen where I was cooking and asked me if her mom "even loved her." I was taken off guard but just said, "of course she loves you, who wouldn't love you." She's only 7, how sad that she already has those feelings.
It's her dad year to have her for Thanksgiving but he's working from 2 till 10, so is her bio grandmother, who normally keeps her when he works so guess who is keeping her for the day.....my DD. I've told her already (many times) that she needs to be careful about taking up his parenting slack....all I can do is give her my opinion though.
My DH, I, and who ever wanted to come were going to go out to eat Chinese today, I didn't feel up to cooking this year. Well yesterday came and I ended up buying all the food to cook...I felt bad not having a family type gathering for the little girl. I'm such a sucker!